What Can I Do To Help My Cousin? - Advice Please

You know the Lord hears and answers the prayers of those who love him! Keep on praying

If the cancer is from a situation at work, there are several levels of liability involved. Perhaps a way to help would be to explore who is liable and demand financial help and damages for pain and suffering.

Find out some of the things that would be best for him to eat, and make tasty dishes to to take over so as to lift the burden a bit. Pay for a housekeeper for a day. Get other relatives to chip in for housekeeping help so she has more energy to focus just on sitting with him and comforting him. Send books so she can distract him from pain and misery by reading to him. Get family to chip in for a tv for his bedroom if there isn't one already.

Above all, "trust in the Lord with all your heart".

Mariana, dear one,
Bless her! How hard to be strong. Does Sarah live nearby or far away? The reason I ask is because if she lived near you, you could visit and bring dinner. That would be a huge help. But if she's not close, it's much harder. Send them a care package of special goodies. Some thing for each member of the family, along with a note telling them you are thinking about them and keeping them close in your thoughts.

Miz Dorine - oh she has Faith - she is Catholic - when my aunt - her grandmother died, she sent me a rosary blessed by the pope from Rome. It's locked in my antique trunk and I can't get to it. She lives in Indiana. Her parents are both gone. I am sure her family is helping the best they can and I do think things are being done in the legal sense - of course, you know the legal system...thanks so much for these ideas.

Thank you so much Marianne. It is so frustrating for me as yes, she is in Indiana, far from any of my places. I need to send more packages - little surprises are helpful for anyone. I love that suggestion, Marianne. Thank yall so very much. Salud.

My dear friend Mariana, you don't need to ask this question. In the time I've known you, I've read your words of wisdom on many a thread. You reacted appropriately with the elderly neighbor and you're already doing the right thing, now, with your cousin.

You pray, you listen, you hold her in your thoughts and arms. When she needs your help in a physical nature, you and I both know you'll be there. You're hurting for her and I hurt for your pain.

You're already doing what you can do. You have my support and prayers.

Thank you Miz Ina for your very very kind words - however, I feel hopeless - because there is nothing worse than being in pain or having someone you love be in pain and not being able to help. I feel for this cousin of mine. I so appreciate your words. I want her to join Gather so that she can tell her own story and the progress - I feel it will be good for her to be telling her story for theraputic purposes. I want to send her these comments and maybe they will be a small help.

I really am grateful to you and your kind heart, Miz Ina - prayers are the key. Thank you again, many blessings to you and yours. Salud.

Keep letting her know that she is in your thoughts. I wish her the best during this bad period.

David - thank you so very much - I do know that she appreciates my daily emails - and I've let her know that she can call me anytime to talk about anything. It must be hard to always keep up a good face when you just want to collapse. I so appreciate your advice. Salud.

I'm so sorry to hear of this challenge.

Prayer works and your family will be lifted.

As an oncology nurse I am not pleased to hear that anyone is "in severe pain." This just shouldn't be. The doctor needs to be notified of this and this young man should receive proper therapy for the pain. No one can deal with the emotional pain of cancer when the physical pain is not correctly treated.

Cancer effects the whole family, and your dear cousin is blessed to have you support as well as OA. I encourage my patients to find online support groups if they don't feel comfortable with face-to-face support groups. Yahoo has cancer support groups by diagnosis. ACS and ASCO also offer support.

Blessings of peace comfort and healing.

My husband had cancer 5 years ago this month. It was serious, but there was great hope from the beginning that it would be fine and so far so good. He was off work for 6 weeks, but didn't have to have chemo or radiation. What helped us the most was people treating us like normal. Some people seem to be afraid to say the word cancer...and he appreciated his friends that called him (not me) instead of avoiding him, he also liked the funny cards more than the religious ones because even though we had great faith, the serious cards made him feel like people thought he wasn't going to make it. He liked getting books to read, I loved it that people ignored my statement that I was fine and didn't need food or help...because I really was so tired from helping him that the meals and giftcards for take out food did help. Mostly, just praying and being there to listen to her is what you need to do. She probably puts on a brave face for him, and sometimes she just needs to talk about her fears and even her frustration at having a sick husband. It can be very exhausting, and yet you feel guilty when they are so sick for feeling that way.

Dear Miz Sue S. Thank you so much and this comment does give me hope. I am going to eventually send her this entire thread and I know that these comments will help her out. I'm sure she is going through exactly what you're going through - I appreciate you stopping by and telling me your experiences with Cancer. Many blessings and I hope your husband is ok now. Salud.

As an oncology nurse I am not pleased to hear that anyone is "in severe pain." This just shouldn't be

Oh dear now this scares me and maybe she should know this as soon as possible. I appreciate you telling me this Teresa - you have told me many valuable things that I can do to help Sarah. Every little suggestion helps so much and you being a nurse have first hand experience in what others go through. Your support is much appreciated. Thank you all so much. Salud.

My husband was very lucky...he had prostate cancer at a young age, they caught it early and he is cancer free and all parts work perfectly!

Mariana, I didn't mean to scare you.

Pain cannot always be eliminated but it can be controlled to make a person's quality of life better. Sometimes pain is managed with narcotics, other times it requires a combination of different medications. Sometimes with cancer, radiation to an area is the best choice to manage pain. I don't know the clinical situation, but most pain can be controlled. Unfortunately pain medicines have their own unigue side effects... constipation, sleepiness, not driving.

Dear Miz Sue S. Thank you so much for that and I'm happy that all is well. I know that Dave is going through chemo. He worked as a chemist. I'll have more details soon. Thanks for your support, Miz Sue S. I surely appreciate it. Salud.

This was a heart wrenching story, mariana. Having been around the corner a few times now, I still have no words of wisdom to give to you. In my own case, I just sat on a curb outside New England Medical and told God that he knew far better then I what the game plan was and that regardless of the outcome, I would know that it was correct. I just put it in the hands of God. Not once did I ask for a miracle....some people might think that strange and yet I fully trust God's intentions. What you can do though is offer the emotional support Sarah needs to get through this time....positive thoughts and positive energy can really help the whole family.

Thanks Miz Teresa for letting me know that - as I said, I'll see if I can share all of this with Sarah - and yes, I heard about the side effects. Your knowledge is much appreciated. Many blessings for all you do. Salud.

What Cancer Cannot Do
Author Unknown
Cancer is so limited.
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot invade the soul.
It cannot steal eternal life.
It cannot quench the spirit.

Bob - I do appreciate your words of Wisdom very much. Yes, I am trying my best to encourage and offer her advice. I am someone who believes in healings through visualization and of course prayer. When all I have is my energy to give, then it must be good and positive. Thank you so much for reading this and commenting Bob. I hope that you're ok??? Salud.

Miz Teresa L. Wow - thank you so much - those are powerful words for anyone who has cancer - Yes, indeed - It cannot quench the spirit!! Salud.

All of the above comments are full of great words of wisdom and suggestions. I'm sure just being available to your cousin is a great help Mariana. What we recently did for a friend, was find out which "to-go" places that she liked in her area and bought gift certificates so she could get quick food on the days she was feeling run down.

I shall post this letter that was written around Christmas to show how wonderful people can be:
Dear Cousin,

Thanks for the wonderful fruit and herbs which I got this week. You are wonderful!

Last night, got home from subbing at Trinity band and got home about 9:15. Dylan was all thrilled. He said, "mom! Santa's helpers came over while you played the concert!" And in the livingroom were 4 laundry hampers of wrapped gifts. Trying to keep my composure was very difficult...especially while Dylan launched on a very complicated reason why Santa and the elves came early..."you know, mom, Santa has TOO MANY houses to deliver to, and because he knew he was going to run out of time, he sent the elves ahead." It was too precious, so you know these moments are to treasure forever. Then not to be outdone, Dylan left a note for Santa. It said, "Dear Santa, I have been a very good little boy this year. I had my first reconsillyation this year. I want a koon scin hat and a pop mashine. Here is a quarter for you to help you out. Love, Dylan."

Now it's your turn to top this one.

We don't know if Good Neighbors sent this stuff. We certainly never asked for any help (except with some financial stuff early in the summer). We've gotten groceries from this organization, but this was beyond the beyond. I mean, last week, they gave us a turkey and all the fixings AND GIFT certs besides for the kids. I thought that was it. But then, this could be from any organization--from any band member's church to another Catholic one. Or just good people in the neighborhood who want to help because to stand by and know a man has this deadly disease is just too much. They are lining up out the door.

After I recovered from this scene, the phone rang tonight. We were putting up lights on the tree, complete with egg nog and cookies we had baked. (Donna Reed may enter at any time!). No, seriously, it was Father John from our church. Apparently some family at church had come forward and specifically wanted to give us some money for us to use for Christmas, and could we come by the Parish and pick it up? So Dave and I drove down and got the envelope. Inside were 5 100 dollar bills. I burst into tears, of course. Who are these people? Why are we getting so much? Aren't there people out there who need it more than we?

Of course my stove decided to break this week. The thermostat is all busted. So I've burned my share of cookies. But God always provides. I think I can find something for $500.

Dylan spent about 20 minutes arranging these "Santa's Helpers" gifts under the tree. The lights were on, the gifts billowing all around, and a great feeling of hope overwhelmed me. If there are this many good people out there, how can I ever be afraid of being alone? If people with their basic human natures can find it within themselves to give to total strangers, then I know there is good in this world. The cancer will try to beat us, but the spirit of Christmas will always win out in the end. You can kill the body, but you can't kill the soul.

In many ways, though we are facing the hardest challenges of our entire lives, I can't help but reflect that I will look back on this time as our shining "hour".

God bless you all, enjoy the holidays.

Love,
Sarah

Sweet Mariana - I'm sure you'll instinctively do much to help these two. You always seem to know the right reaction to situations. The only thing I can say is what I do with my own sister: keep in close connection, not just email but on the phone if you're not close enough to visit. Sometimes lots more comes out voice to voice than does in an email. Let her know it's okay not to be brave all the time. Let her know it's okay to let admit she's frustrated or angry. Sometimes the person with the disease isn't always easy to live with. She might need to blow off steam but feel guilty about it. Encourage her to let it out, that you won't think less of her for it. Many times couples in this situation have to be frugal with their money to pay those co-pays. If you can splurge, occasionally send them a gift certificate to Applebee's or something like that. Send them a new movie, a comedy. Send gift certificates for massages if you feel you can spend the money. Cards are pricey, so I buy some and send to my sister, but most I send her are silly ones with crazy stuff from the internet or pictures of us when we were little, or those silly ones with our faces on other bodies, etc. Some of my sister's days are so dark that if I can bring one small smile on one of those days, I feel like I've done a good thing. Also talk about normal things that you would usually talk about. I know you'll know the right things to do at the right time, because that's just like you.

What a precious person my cousin, Sarah, is. I just wanted to share that letter. I have learned so much from her. Thank yall for commenting folks.

Maria - thank you so much for holding them in your thoughts. Salud.

Laurun: That is a wonderful suggestion - I really like that. Thanks so much. Salud.

Miz Vicky - Thank you so much for all your wonderful suggestions - it's just like YOU to be so thoughtful as you are. Sometimes, we can't see the forest for the trees and that's why I've asked for suggestions. People sometimes don't want to say what they need but with little boys at home and having to work as much as she can parttime, I'm sure any little thing that can add joy is much appreciated. Thanks so much, Miz Vicky. I send your dear sister many blessings as well. You're both in my thoughts tonight as I light the candles. Salud.

Mariana, I wouldn't know what to tell you to say since most of what I read from you is better than anything I could ever come up with. You're the one who typically has the most encouraging comments I've seen on Gather.

Bless you Miz Marianne but it's because so many folks on here have such beautiful hearts - I am learning so much about life and people on a daily basis. Sometimes we tend to take people for granted and then something like this happens to a young person with young kids and a wife. I'm so touched that so far so many folks have left comments with encouraging words and ideas and suggestions. People are wonderful- thank you for dropping by Miz Marianne - may your evening be a beautiful one! Salud.

Dear Liz - so happy to see you. Yes, you're so right - those are excellent ideas because she must really need to relax and not feel guilty about it. I so appreciate your comment. I think herb teas would be wonderful and same for the massage - yes, thank you so much. Salud.

The only suggestion I have is that you remain in contact. Send snail mail. A phone call here and there. Email. Perhaps an uplifting novel. Time might be cramped for her. Anything that wouldn't take up too much time. The time issue is huge, at least it was for me when my father was ill, and my grandmother was 24 hours a day no let up. So anything that could put a good thought or a giggle in a few seconds or minutes might be very helpful. A silly cartoon. A short, sweet card. I wish I could help more.

Lynn - oh you're so much help because I do understand time - oh very much so - and I thank you - yes, any small thing that would uplift her - thank you Miz Lynn. I appreciate your suggestions very much. Salud.

I can only tell you this... If I were sick, I would want to know that there was someone like you in my corner. I know that you are already doing far more than you realize.

Dear Miz Julie - I wasn't always this compassionate but since my beloved tia Angelica died who was Miz Sarah's grandmother - I feel a bit like I have to make up many things to my aunt - it's as if she's channelling through me and I am hoping and praying to find a way to help Sarah and her family more than I have been. I know the situation is a desperate one even though Sarah remains upbeat. Perhaps in posting this we can all learn a bit how life can suddenly take a left turn when we thought the road would always go straight and smooth...I so appreciate all the suggestions and ideas and support so far - thank you very much Julie - I appreciate that compliment more than you know. I truly am blessed with so many Gather friends. Salud.

Thanks, Mariana,

I am off to bed as I feel a little run down.

Your e mails and cards have meant the world to me.

Love,
Sarah

p.s. I put some rosemary on my salad tonight. So good!

This was from Sarah just now - bless her heart - all the little things in life she appreciates so much...my garden is filled with a very fragrant rosemary so I need to send her more...Thank yall for reading this. Salud.

hello Mariana... i'm so sorry to hear of this... your cousin and her husband are too young for this type of burden... all i can do is pray for them and i will...
you are such a wonderful woman and i'm sure everything you do for your cousin is very much appreciated... i will pray very hard for a miracle... God bless you all...

Prayer is wonderful - she will be very grateful for your prayers and I so appreciate it. yes, I normally don't post this kind of thing but I think that no matter what, every little bit of prayer and thought and support will help.
Is anyone here from the University Of Indiana by chance???? Her parents taught there. Salud.

Mariana, I read the article and skipped the comments so I hope this isn't repetitive. Be constant, be consistent, be in touch and don't forget after time to email or phone. You can't go wrong just being casual and available. The hurt comes when people are there in the beginning and then "drop the ball" because it is lengthy and tedious. She needs your attention through. Just pay attention.

Mariana, such miracles are activated via the genuine wish by one person for someone else to be healed. You can do no more other than to send love. But the miracle and the love are gifts...they are not received unless and until they are accepted. And such is up to David. But I will have a quiet word with Big G and ask for angels to come and watch over Sarah, David - and you.

It is done!

Peace and all blessings to you and those close to your heart.

Magi

What a trial for your cousin! Miracles are rare but they do happen... good wishes and prayers always help. And if it was me I would try homeopathic and herbal remedies. I wish them well!

Dear Miz Krista - I have known people who were healed by Faith and prayers - I have a friend whose father was given six months to live - he had lung cancer. He did quit smoking - got on this diet mostly of seafood and something else - perhaps the grape cure diet - he lived 20 more years and died of a heart attack. That's the truth. Yes, well, as you know I am totally holistic - even though a good friend is a doctor - and the husband laughs because he says she learns more about healing and nutrition from me than she ever did in Medical School. Thanks for stopping and I so appreciate your comments, Miz Krista. Salud.

Magi - no wonder you are so loved as you are - I can feel love radiating from your comment - thank you thank you thank you for doing what you are doing. I totally understand what you are saying - David has to accept. I know Sarah does and is open and willing. I so appreciate this comment, Magi. Salud.

Madame Donna - I agree and yes, I've been through this before - Thank you for your time and support. I always appreciate your advice. Salud.

So much heart-authored wisdom here, Mariana! I can't possibly add anything but the promise of supportive prayer from Michigan.

Thank you Miz Lyla for dropping by! I appreciate your artwork very much - it's lovely. Curt, supportive prayer from Michigan is a wonderful, wonderful thing and I thank you very much. Salud.

There is nothing whatsoever I can add to what has been stated......just want you to know that she and her family along with you are in my prayers. God Bless you all.
"Keep the Faith".............. :)

F = Forsaking
A = All
I = I
T = Trust
H = Him

Miz Mariana, I have no other suggestions that haven't been listed before. My strongest would be to be her support system and send her little care packages so she'll be reminded to tend to herself equally, while caring for others. She'll be no good to anyone if she gets down sick and depressed herself. I do believe that her strong faith and positive attitude are going to see her a long ways through this!

I will keep Sara and her family in my heart and prayers and gladly, faithfully agree with her for a healing.

Much love to you too Miz Mariana!

I'm sorry. It is difficult to see loved ones suffer. Just being there has already helped, I am sure.
Sending little cheerful cards...emails...if they watch TV, funny DVDs...I Love Lucy is what my sister watched when she was doing chemo.

Thank yall so much - Sarah is trying to join Gather but somehow can't - I need to troubleshoot the problem. I sent her another link. I know that being on here will be good therapy for her - she wrote to thank me and tell me she appreciates all the responses and caring folks.

Miz Rose, I need to do so much more for her. I do pray and yes, I've seen Cancer healed as well...Faith is the key. I totally agree about Belief as well...she is a Believer. thank you Miz Rose, very very much for your support and prayers. Salud.

You came to the right place,because all of us here at Gather are a family.
I will pray for your cousion right along with the rest of Gather may God be with you and your family.

Pray that she receives God's comfort, strength and wisdom. Having taken care of a family member with cancer, I'd say that supernatural assistance is what's most needed. I was a grieving wreck, though I didn't let it show.