Some New Year!

I do not generally make any kind of New Year resolutions, and in fact have always looked upon the new year as just another day, only with the added inconvenience of remembering to write the new date on my correspondence.  This year, though, it appears that this new year is beginning with CHANGE, which somehow seems fitting.  My boyfriend and I broke up on the evening of the first, and while at the momsnt it seemed like a pretty shitty time for it to have happened, in retrospect it is maybe the best time (not that there is EVER a good time).  A time for me to be able to regroup and refresh, a new beginning in front of me.  I won't say a fresh start, because that implies that the past is forgotten and things can start new, and I don't believe that ever happens, not in real life. 

The reasons for the break-up are different depending on which of us you talk to; since he is not here, I will give what I believe are his reasons first.  It is no secret that we have had ups and downs, and his "reason" is that he doesn't love me the way he should.  Never has.  The funny thing about that (and for him, it is a legitimate reason) is how he has said that two other times in the past year (this makes three), and both times it has coincided with being confronted about his drinking.  This is an apparent pattern with him, as this is the third time now that he has said the same thing, following some kind of problem brought up by his drinking.  During the "good" times, he is loving and affectionate, stopping by every night and, mosre recently, staying over more nights than not.  But suddenly (but not coincidentally) he has been lying to me all this time and doesn't love me and the only reason he ever stayed with my sorry ass is because of Owen.  Sorry, I don't buy that.  Obligation and guilt can inspire physical presence, but they can't inspire a lot of the other things.  however, in his mind that is the reason, and that is okay.

My reasons are much more complicated; he is the one this time who brought up the idea of breaking up, and I pretty much just said, "okay."  He said this on the phone, but we agreed that he would come by later that night (after the kids were in bed) in order to talk about some things.  Because of my past reactions when he has made this threat or decision or whatever you want to call it, I was the first time devastated, the second time angry and hurt; they say the third time is the charm, because what I was, was almost relieved.  I have been struggling with this relationship and processing the situation for a long time, and have slowly been working toward the breaking point.  The episode three weeks ago when I was with my Dad in the ICU was pretty much the breaking point for me; I held on for another three weeks, but in my heart, that moment of walking in the door and seeing the picture in front of me was enough.  I just think it takes, in the words of my friend April, "longer for the heart to catch up to where the mind is."

So begins the New Year...there is a lot of sadness and loneliness.  There is fear, too, and worry; there are custody and child support issues to work out, and a lot of different emotions to process, as well as the loneliness.  In many ways my life isn't going to change; despite our realtionship, I have been parenting Owen (and my other three children as well) alone since his conception, so that isn't going to change much.  Until just recently, Steve had only stayed at my house a handful of times, so it isn't as if I am suddenly sleeping alone.  Emotionally, of course it will.  However, I am not devastated; sad, yes, about not having him in my life-he was one of my best friends; anger that his drinking is causing this, or most of it; concern about what might happen with Owen and fear that I won't be able to protect him.  Worry, too, for Steve, and where his drinking might next lead him. I just know that I am too tired to live like this anymore, and that I can either suck it up and move forward or I can wallow in the depths.  I don't like to wallow; I don't even like that word, so I suppose I better just suck it up, right?