'Twas the night before Christmas, I was body-routed to an Org.,
I encountered a Rondroid, or was it a Borg?
Hard to tell, ya know, that starry-eyed guy,
Who tried to tell me Hubbard never once told a lie.
He pointed to the preclears, all smug as they bought,
Something called "Total Freedom", for the price of a yacht.
And so the funny Rondroid, said he wanted my confession,
Said I got to pay, big time, got to get me "in session."
He sends me to a Reg, who said he went "clear".
"Then why's your brain on the floor," I said, "and your head in your rear?"
Precisely at that moment, he yelled "You must be an SP".
He said it was so 'cause the "tech" won't work on me.
"Well how would you know", I said, as he looked kind of lame,
He then explained that I've been declared "fair game".
Then out on the roof, we all heard a loud boom,
Crashing over everyone, he goose-stepped into our room.
He was tall, had red hair, and squinty blue eyes,
"Could this be the fellow," I thought, "who wrote all those lies?"
And everyone on staff, amazed, all came and gazed at him,
And all to whom, he replied, "The situation is grim".
"But how could this be," they shouted, "You are the supreme thetan!"
"Well, I gotta little withhold, you see, I am actually Satan."
Wouldn't you know old man Hubbard, so lively and quick,
Said he knew he was, in a past life, jolly St. Nick.
"But this time around," he said, " I employ nubile teens,"
"Hay's a lot more expensive, you see, than SO's rice and beans".
"Sure I'm makin' millions, but you don't need any dough,
Cause you got the 'bridge', unless, of course, you decide to blow."
"And if you do, don't you ever frown,
Cause I got Lawyers, OSA and PI's , who will hunt you down."
"Now Kobrin, with Moxon,
With Rathbun and Rinder,
With Ava and Rathbun,
And Mithoff behind her,
It's gonna be accusations, innuendo, and depositions aglow,
Cause I got my very own private, Babalon Ho."
"Let us celebrate, have one big litigious ball!
Now sue away! Sue away,
Into oblivion, them all!"
His eyes--how they crinkled ! His lips like red flares!
"I will attack Psychs and suppressives, and anyone who dares
Mention my name, my church, and my creed,
With a disparaging word, I'll sue you till you bleed".
Then he sprang to his sleigh, to his nubile team he cracked a whip,
And away they all sailed faster than a Sea Org ship.
But I heard him exclaim, "Don't tell anyone Scientology's a prank
And that Christmas really is part of the R6 Bank"
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