Sex Detox is not what you expect. Or maybe it is. A few years ago, Sting was on Oprah. Oprah wanted to know if the rumors were true: Did Sting and his wife 'do it' in every room of the house? Yes, Sting said.
Sting was supposedly talking about the Kama Sutra, but what he was really talking about were the marathon love sessions, made up of kissing for hours on end on the couch, whereupon one of the kids usually walked by and said, Ewe, get a room, guys.
Sting was talking about communication, not positions. And that is exactly what Ian Kerner is talking about in his book, Sex Detox: Recharge Desire, Revitalize Intimacy, Rejuvenate your Love Life.
Ian Kerner
Kerner is a sex therapist who grew up in New York City, the son of an artist, a man who lived amongst writers, artists and bohemians. This man has hit the nail on the head. No, sex is not about positions. Yes, sex is about communication, intimacy and hunger.
Kerner offers couples and singles a 30-day program to help rejuvenate their love life, by 'doing without' sex. How is this possible? And why?
In his preface, Kerner states:
"American sex lives are broken, 'shattered,' as the old Rolling Stone song goes --and we cannot seem to make them whole...We have lost too many pieces along the way to gather ourselves up because deep down we believe we are doomed to stumble again...While our cultural exposure to sex has heightened in the last decade, our level of personal satisfaction has plummeted to a staggering low, with sexual dissatisfaction being cited more often than ever as a primary cause of divorce...
...Singles are suffering from booty-call burnout, bed hopping from one fling to the next, desperately searching for something more, without knowing, how, where or when to find it. We treat sex lightly but sex rarely treats us lightly in return...
...It's time to take sex off the table so we can, once and for all, truly feast on love..."
Sex Detox by Ian Kerner, Ph.D.
And so begins Kerner's book. He recommends people go on a 'sex fast' for 30 days and 30 nights, whereby he supplies people with readings, exercises and assignments so people can begin to feel rejuvanted by the feelings of closeness and intimacy they once felt with their loved ones.
The 30-day program is divided in to sections and chapters within the book.
In Part 1: Getting Started: Kerner requests that people abstain from sexual activity so they can 'do without to eventually have it all'.
The most important sub-section I found in in Part I, was How to Read Your Love Map - a term first coined in the 1980s by Dr. John Money of Johns Hopkins University, which refers to the 'sexual template expressed in every individual's erotic fantasies and practices' as Kerner states in his book.
This is a normal desire and wish. I am not talking about weird fantasies but the human need for communication and comfort.
Kerner then continues to explain, as a therapist, is that there are a vast number of people who are out of touch with themselves, people 'who have never taken the time to explore their love maps'. The love map goes beyond blonde, blue-eyed, 36-24-36 or tall, dark, handsome. In fact, it has little to do with these physical attributes.
As an example Kerner uses in the couples Detox, he talks about a woman he calls "Kristine" - a young mother who begins to realize, that - like her own mother, she takes little time for heself - a woman who characterized herself as 'an unsexy mom' who had difficulty sorting the noise of daily life and errands from her mental and emotional life so she could focus on her own priorities - a woman who felt panic and anxiety during the breathing exercises - a woman who focused more on the other - of husband and children - than on her own self, so that she was effectively obliterating heself and her own needs from the picture.
Sex Detox includes a detox diary, questionnaires and breathing exercises. These can be very helpful for people to get in touch with loving themselves as they really are and knowing who they really are and what they really want in life.
Other chapters include: It's All in Your Mind; Learning How to Read Your Love Map; Couples Preparing for the Detox;
Couples Detox: Days 1 to 5
Couples Detox: Your Sexual Health - Days 6 to 9
Couples Detox: Sexual Socialization - Days 10 to 15
Couples Detox: Previous Relationships - Days 16 to 20;
Couples Detox: Navigating the Love Maps - Days 21 to 25
Couples Detox: The Here and Now - Days 26 to 30
The Couples Rejuvenation;
The Singles Detox; various subsections on Dating Detox Days 1 to 30;
The Singles Rejuvenation - Dating Inside Out;
I think this is a very helpful book for both singles and couples.
Sex Detox: Recharge Deisre, revitalize Intimacy, Rejuvenate Your Love Life, by Ian Kerner, Ph.D. published by Collins. January, 28, 2008.
Hardcover: 256 pages
ISBN-10: 0061136077
ISBN-13: 978-0061136078
List price: $24.95;
Amazon offers it for $16.47
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Comments: 114
I vaguely remember "sex." It's a province in western Mongolia, right?
..
U
Its hard for a guy like me to read this :)
Great review Kathryn.
I mean, how many times do children say: Ugh, Ewe, too much information. I do NOT want to hear about when you and Daddy were in love.
God Bless you and yours
10*
featured-booklovers
Elsie, you must be partyly channeling me. I would have written almost the same thing, from the other side of course. I am sorry your journey ended, but, as but my wife and I know, the words were "until death us do part."
It sounds like an excellent book. Knowing something about History in this country, and how Puritainism affected it- and how those moral values are still in our culture, a book like this could be a help.
The problem is however, there are religeous forces out there- the RC Church for one, that probably wouldn't have this on their approved reading list. Sex for many people who are religeous, is for procreation only. That is right in the RC Catechism in fact. I recall Seminary, I recall pre-Cana classes.. and I know- that in the end- something like this can be a help. So many marriages today dissolve because of the lack of Senusality/Love..the things needed to really have what this book is trying to evoke. People do get caught up in Work, Career, Financing, Children ...they forget what it means to really love each other.
Celebacy. OK- I have been Celebate for over twenty years. I cannot say that it has made me any different than any of my compatriots- other than I too have desires that are not met. I go out on dates, I go to dances... I am not a hermit- but for some reason- the desire just isn't there. I have been married- it was a failure. Chances are, usings this persons methodes, would not have changed anything.. since I had no desire for even the simplest things.. and if I did have- I wasn't in a place to inaugerate them. Work, and more Work, terrible hours, just drained me. It wasn't any better for my mate either. We were just two passing ships in the fog. The marriage became violent, I had a breakdown, and well.. we had the marriage dissolved. I was in love, and should have listened to my commrades at the Cathedral..they said not to do it. Sure, they were Gay- but they still had instincts and enough guts to tell me that. Even the Priest, who was our Leader at the class/retreat, knew it. IN fact.. while at the monastery, I was more in sinc with the Monks, than my beloved. Go figure- you know, I should have realized something then..but as I said- Love is blind. I have had a great love in my life- for a very long time, and sadly- that relationship will never bloom- the other party cannot commit. Its kind of sad- but that is the way it is. I still have feelings for that soul.. and its hard to get past it. My Bishop finally asked me one day- if it was over.. and sadly, I said it was.
So- would that book have helped? I don't think so. You have to have a commited couple who is willing to work with each other to achieve a better relationship- just as it was described by Sting. Whether its the Kama Sutra- or the philosophy and exercises of this book- you need to have the desire and commitment to really follow through.
I have learned that I don't need someone else to make me happy- physically or spiritually. Its been a hard road- and I am still hiking on it. Perhaps- someday, the right person will come.. I don't know.. my passion lies elsewhere.
Guess I have been this way too long.. and my doctors tell me- that to pursue a family now would be next to impossible. I could adopt- but I don't need a wife to do that. Mostly due to physical things- having a family is a fantasy.
I long to have a partner in life..someone who shares my values, dreams, and abilities.. those are hard to find frankly.. I tried marrying someone who couldn't keep up with me- even though I tried to help that person- it was wrong. I learned that lesson too- you cannot change the person you are married to.
So- the bird catcher in the Magic Flute was right.. marry someone just like him.. those marriages tend to last. I know people who have been married over sixty years... and I find it very impressive.
As for the children not thinking of their parents in a physical relationship...I don't know why that occurs- its odd how it does- because we all do it. I know parents who have more than five kids- and have a very romantic life.. I think its beautiful personally when I see such people kissing and spooning with each other.. thats the way it should be.
Thats what keeps it going... the Author is right in that sense... its what truly makes the music in a relationship.
Great Article Kathryn... I would probably read that book- if I had something going..its just not in the stars for me...
You know- I almost passed this up..glad I didn't. :)
Blessings
Johannes
'
That is really wonderful..
blessings,
Johannes
as to baidons' comment , my mum reckons guys r only afta dat 1 thing.... im sure he'll find his self-control...
not being mean n all i've got plenty... although its hard balancing 2 cultures; traditions/customs. bloody depressing in fact; my skin colors dark brown in fact...
Great review, Kathryn. I like the chapter breakdown and the more up-to-the-minute terminology and language this book uses. I hope lots of people read this.
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There are always Darwinian reasons that animals mate for life and Darwinian reasons that animals do not mate for life.
Regarding humans, well, women are built to have a maximum of two babies at once - two breasts to feed two babies. Considering that it takes several years -it really takes about a dozen years before a child is old enough to be truly useful to parents ( I am thinking of frontier times) and if we take the notion of survival of the fittest here - that
for people to survive in frontier times, having children rapidly to ensure survival of the species would require a few wives. (I say this, knowing my g-greatgrandfather Thomas had 6 wives concurrently and a total of 55 children - one wife died before she could have a family) and my other g-grandfathers had 2 wives concurrently (Polygamous Mormons of the 19th century), I think that passion is built into humans to require a lot of newness - which wreaks havoc on marriages and relationships in that we require a lot of new stimulation. Many look to other people or to other things to keep themselves fascinated.
But since we are human and divinely complex, we are capable of (as a species) refreshing and recharging ourselves, but not necessarily with a mate that simply did not work out.
I am sorry it did not work out for you, Johannes. Just enjoy life the best as you can.
I am married and have been married for 21 years. My husband is a psychologist, as a matter of fact. I have read other books on marriage and a few by other sex therapists, but mostly books on marriage by other therapists - and this message is similar in some ways to other books - but is more specific.
John FW: You will enjoy it, I am sure.
Sounds like great advice in a practical way.
Thanks for the heads up on this book. You are constantly opening eyes to new reading. You are like Gather's own reference librarian. :-)
Happy and Peaceful 2008 to you, K.
Happy and peaceful 2008 to you, too, Tom.
Thanks for your note.. well- life is good- and I don't mourn for the past in that sense. I value my freedom in fact- and as I said- I do go out- to dances and other functions. :) In fact, I am planning to go to a dance before long..a friend of mine wrote to me- wondered where I have been lately..
Anyway- someone else made a comment- or maybe it was you- about the sexual revolution. Yes- that did change a lot of things- but you know- I wouldn't exist today-if a certain someone hadn't broken a social code, and proceeded to get someone very pregnant.... they ended up being married as quickly as it could be forced through the government/church/ and city. It took an Emperors blessing to do it- but it happened nevertheless- a real shotgun wedding... only then- perhaps more of a -- well... marriage by sword and club. :) So- those things happened even then- they were not just the sexual revolutions fault.
Have a great day-
Johannes
Actually I've listened to two of his audiobooks and they were fabulous! Alhough my husband needed the visual road map in one of them so we bought the book too.
You will enjoy it, Karolyn. The link is in the article for Amazon.
Thanks kathryn!