by Angie G.
Member since:
September 10, 2006

To bail or not to bail?

December 21, 2007 08:22 PM UTC
views: 0 | comments: 32

My brother in law is 37 years old.  A grown man that can't get his act together.  For the past 20 years now he's been in and out of jail on numerous accounts.  Most of them the time he would get caught without a license and then wouldn't pay his fines so he they would put a warrant out for his arrest. 

A couple of times a young man (Late teens early 20's) he got into trouble for posession of drugs and being under the influence.   Of course I don't condone this kind of behavior.  He had a rough life growing up, but so did my hubby, why can he not get his act together?

Last night, we get a phone call from my brother in laws wife asking if we can send money to bail him out of jail again.  Wait a minute, don't yall owe my mother in law $500 from the last time you bailed him out?   That was just a few months ago.  Why can't yall get your acts together and do right by the law.

My hubby is a softy, he went and sent the money but not before a long lecture, speech, and fight from me.  I think that he should allow his brother to sit in jail and learn his lesson.  If everyone keeps coming and bailing him out he will never get his act together. 

Since, I knew my hubby was gonna bail him out with or without me backing him up.  I told him this will be the only time we help him out.  He's a grown man and he needs to have consquences to his actions.  He'll never learn if we keep coming to his rescue. 

He's a intelligent guy with a great job that supports him, his wife, and his child but he something is lacking if he doesn't learn his lesson.

Do you think my hubby did the right thing by bailing him out or should he have listened to me and let him sit there until he learns his lesson.  That is if he is wanting to learn his lesson anyways.

I came from a family that we didn't bail each other out in situations like this.  We learned the hard way.  Hard knocks are sometimes the best way to learn from the past.

Comments: 32

Karen M. Dec 21, 2007, 8:25pm UTC
We are opposite in my house...My family would be the enabling, bailing out family and my husband who actually had the rougher life would feel as you do about it. It is a tough call and puts lots of people in a bad situation. I think hubby and you need to have a long talk after the holidays and decide what will be the FINAL answer the next time and there will be a next time...good luck !
j - Frugal Mom - r. Dec 21, 2007, 8:31pm UTC
I agree with Karen about this. After the holidays, you should sit down and make some limits, this way you are prepared the next time.
Mary M. Dec 21, 2007, 8:40pm UTC
I tend to agree with you on this one but I don't think you should approach hubby with a print out of supportive web friends! :) I think maybe you could say it in a way that isn't, "I'm right, you're wrong" but maybe, "We need to use that money to care for our own family/kids needs, and he and his wife need to step up, be adults, and take some kind of responsibility for their own family now. We helped this time, but I really feel strongly about this and how it is taking financial security away from US." If he hasn't paid back the parents yet, and just keeps repeating the behavior, that money is gone for good, and always will be. If he insists on acting like that, he should be prepared to pay his dues to society. Safety issue too -- parking tickets or other issues could affect someone else's safety/well being if he is released again and again.
Angie G. Dec 21, 2007, 8:44pm UTC
Mary ~ I didn't mean it was like I'm right and hes wrong kind of attitude but I did mean who would have stood behind my decision and who would have stood behind him.
I tell him all the time that I think he's smart enough to make the right decisions for this family but I had a hard time letting go off our savings for his brother. If it was a one time thing I could understand but this has been going on and off for 20 years now. You would think he would learn his lesson.
Elaine B. Dec 21, 2007, 8:44pm UTC
Hopefully after this your brother in law will learn his lesson.
I would not have bailed him out. I have a sister like this & she grew up in the same family as me, but she is so completly different. I have refused to bail her out many times...becasue she just keeps on making bad decicions and she knows better.
Jan S. Dec 21, 2007, 8:52pm UTC
So many families have a loved one like this. It's hard to help someone who won't change, grow up and follow the rules. There comes a time when NO is the kindest answer we can give. Let him fall on his face, get up and make his way. That's love.
Donald M. Dec 21, 2007, 8:57pm UTC
I dont think the brother in law should have been bailed out. Not having to take accountability for his own actions seems to be the reason this has been going on without ceasing.
Melissa S. Dec 21, 2007, 8:59pm UTC
I'm with you Ang.. My brother was locked up and anyone of the family could have went and bailed him out.. but we all choose to let him sit it out in jail and thought it would let him know that he's a grown man and needs to take responsibility for himself.. ( we had already bailed him out once, and in this family that is all you get) If he is silly enough to not follow the law and get put in jail then he is silly enough to tuff it out in jail..
Angie G. Dec 21, 2007, 9:01pm UTC
Thank you guys for responding to this. Its so frustrating and I wouldn't have any problems with it if this was the first time he had to be bailed out. Unfortunately its not, he's been in and out way too many times.
Bonnie S. Dec 21, 2007, 9:05pm UTC
I hope he learns a lesson, but it sounds like he won't.
Mary M. Dec 21, 2007, 9:07pm UTC
Hope it all works out for you Ang. Sorry you're going through this.
Rob Appell Dec 21, 2007, 9:22pm UTC
Kind of like six of one; half a dozen of another. This clown needs to get his head out of his butt and get his dookie together. Stupidity is his specialty! Here he has a good job and wife and a child. Someone almost has to bail him out or he risks losing everything. He can't work if he's behind bars and could lose his job if he doesn't show up for work. Who cares if this idiot suffers. But there is a wife and child and household that shouldn't be the ones to pay for his childish nonsense...and he could stand to lose them as well. On the other hand...tough love, baby. If it weren't for other factors outside his own life; I'd say let his behind sit in jail and rot for awhile. Maybe then, he'd learn his lesson. You play, you pay...you do the crime; you do the time. The most important thing for you and Tom to decide...is that this will be your one and only time you bail him out...and make sure you get your money back! It doesn't hurt to help[ someone out in a time of need...as long as they don't make it a habit and take advantage of your generosity and caring...or they get a boot up the butt.
Ellie !. Dec 21, 2007, 9:32pm UTC
I feel that if you care about people, you don't bail them out. Now this is going to be more painful for you not to bail, but better for him. That's the important thing. But, since you have set the pattern of bailing him, you first need to agree on what you will or will not do.
Then, if you agree not to bail him out next time, you need to let both him and his wife know in advance. It's not about the money, it's about giving him some motivation to correct his behavior. Good luck. This is a lesson he should have learned 32 years ago.
Brian T. Dec 21, 2007, 9:48pm UTC
At sometime you folks are going to have to quit throwing this guy a life line in order to make him wake up and smell the coffee.
Kathy D. Dec 21, 2007, 10:00pm UTC
I"m with you on this one, Ang
Alison H. Dec 21, 2007, 10:29pm UTC
Me too.
Angie G. Dec 21, 2007, 10:44pm UTC
His mom allowed him to do whatever he wanted cause his biological father bailed on him and his step-dad (my hubby's father) really never did take a liking to kids even though they had 5 kids together. My MIL always said if my FIL said he couldn't have it by god my BIL was gonna get it. Thats where she lost her gripping on that child if you ask me.
flit . Dec 21, 2007, 11:15pm UTC
one of my uncles recently tried to hit my brother up for help ... my dad has ALWAYS bailed him out - of jail...and whatever else - but now he's not capable... so he's moved onto the next generation

personally, I'm all for the let 'em sit route...otherwise it becomes a never ending sage
Ang, I agree with most of what you wrote. It's one thing to be a wild child during your teens and early twenties, but by 37 a person should be making good choices. You ask about your husband's choice to help. You know the old saying - blood is thicker than water - and there's another about not coming between your man and his mother or brother. Your article sounds like this is the first time your husband has bailed his brother out (or at least since the two of you have been together). What if the situation was reversed, would you bail out your brother or sister? I do feel you're right to tell your husband that this is "the one time" that you and he will front the bail. Now comes the hard part, the whole family needs to intervene and get the brother pointed in the right direction through AA or whichever 12 step program would be appropriate and counseling so he doesn't drag the family and himself through this again.
Carla B. Dec 22, 2007, 12:07am UTC
This is hard for me to answer, because I've never been in the situation. My husband's sister would never do anything that would put her in jail, so I wouldn't have to fight with my husband about something like this. One of my sisters is married to a guy that could possibly end up in jail, but his parents have a lot of money so we wouldn't be the ones coming up with the bail money.

I think you and Daniel need to sit down and talk about it together.
Renee (Pres of Baby James Foundation) ~. Dec 22, 2007, 12:38am UTC
I say tough love he bails himself out
Hey, I think your brother-in-law and my two idiot brothers-in-law should get together and go bowling. I've got two fools to deal with. They have both done nothing but abuse the kindness and sympathy of my husband, my mother-in-law, sisters-in-law and extended aunts and uncles.

I wouldn't bail either of them out of hell if Satan was accepting post-dated checks.
Sue * Dec 22, 2007, 10:14am UTC
My son was put in jail a year ago for signing one of his girlfriend's checks (with her permission, but the check bounced and the bank got involved and forgery charges were filed). We spent one night and we bailed him out. Once. We told him then, that we would never do it again and he knows we mean it. He hated his 1 night in jail, and so far, so good. He doesn't want to go back.
Swimming With The Tide O. Dec 22, 2007, 10:52am UTC
If you keep enabling then they will keep doing the same things. It's a behavioral pattern that has to be broken and someone has to be strong enough to take a stand to do it.
Austin Cushing Dec 22, 2007, 2:53pm UTC
Eh, I wouldn't bail them out -- if he were really intending to do right, he'd stop getting put in there in the first place.
Austin Cushing Dec 22, 2007, 2:53pm UTC
This comment is to let you know that this content has reached ten comments, and as such has been removed from Comment Speedway! Congratulations!
Sue D. Dec 22, 2007, 4:09pm UTC
At some point bailing out is enabling his behavior. I can understand the first time, but this is a repeated pattern. "Tough love" is hard, but necessary sometimes. Perhaps he needs some counseling and help. Good luck.
CyberGwen ! Dec 22, 2007, 8:45pm UTC
It sounds like he needs to clean up his act and that isn't going to happen if everyone keeps catching him when he falls.
shannon k. Dec 24, 2007, 10:43am UTC
visit him in jail, speak with mercy, tell him you love him, and let him lie in the bed he made.
Karolyn Q. Dec 28, 2007, 6:14am UTC
I agree with you. He doesn't need anyone bailing him out. He is old enough to have learned already.

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