by Deeanna M.
Member since:
August 28, 2007

should i or should i not?

December 20, 2007 12:16 PM EST
views: 55 | rating: 10/10 (20 votes) | comments: 31
my cousin (19, same age as me) was pregnant but she lost her son at 6 mos along. this happened in july. i saw her in october, and she held my daughter then we held each other and talked and cried for a while. i'm feeling sad for her this christmas, because he would have been about 2 mos old and it would have been his first christmas. i hardly ever see her because we live about 3 hours apart. however, i would like to send her SOMETHING this christmas, just to let her know i didn't forget about her or her son. like an angel ornament or something. i have never lost a baby, so i can't pretend to know what that feels like. but i do know that this christmas has to be hard on her. does anyone have experience with something like this? any suggestions? thanks!
link to this page
Bookmark this post:
Facebook
Twitter
Delicious
Buzz
More

Comments: 31

Priscilla (wishing I was in Costa Rica) ~. Dec 20, 2007, 12:22pm EST
I think an ornament like an angel would be a wonderful gesture. They also have In Memory of ornaments at Hallmark stores
Deeanna M. Dec 20, 2007, 12:24pm EST
ok, thanks!
Deeanna M. Dec 20, 2007, 12:24pm EST
are there any moms who lost a baby who could tell me what to say/not say?
Sandy (back in Ohio...blah!) Dec 20, 2007, 12:30pm EST
Just be there for her. call her up and talk to her. tell her your are thinking about her and her loss on Christmas. To many times people forget that the hurts don't stop when celebrations like Christmas are up on us. Just hearing a kind word can help. I love the ordament suggestion.
Leslie "Missy" T. Dec 20, 2007, 12:35pm EST
I love the ornament suggestion too.
RK C. Dec 20, 2007, 12:43pm EST
Hi,
There are a couple of moms who lost a child. My mom lost my brother and I saw her pain. I think the ornament is wonderful but also send a nice note with the same kind thoughts.
Kay M. Dec 20, 2007, 12:52pm EST
I think the ornament would be nice.
Juan J Martinez Dec 20, 2007, 12:56pm EST
MY younger sister went through the same thing. It is hard to know what to do or say. Just being there is more than enough. The idea of the ornament sounds just like the right thing.
J. G. Weddle Dec 20, 2007, 1:05pm EST
No experience, but I think the ornament idea is a great one.
Robin L. Dec 20, 2007, 2:24pm EST
I am one who has lost a son during the 6th month of my pregancy. This was 8 years ago. What has hurt the most is that no one ever mentions his name or that fact that he did exist. He was born alive but died two hours later. I think the angel ornament is a wonderful idea and if her son was named adding his name to the ornament will have an extra special meaning to her.

She may cry when you see her but that is okay. What people don't understand is that not a day goes by that we don't think of that lost child and if hearing the mention of his or her name brings tears to our eyes, they are good tears and not ones meant to make you feel bad for bring up the topic.
Sarah (I want points) Dec 20, 2007, 2:52pm EST
I don't have any experience, but I think it's great to do something like this for her!
Robyn F. Dec 20, 2007, 4:02pm EST
the angel ornament is good, i did that for a friend who lost her mom one year.
Heather W. Dec 20, 2007, 4:08pm EST
I think an ornament would be nice. I'm wondering what I should do myself. My best friend lost her 7 year old daughter this year,and I want to do something to honor her memory, but I don't want to bring any more pain to my friend.
Deeanna M. Dec 20, 2007, 4:17pm EST
Thanks for all the helpful comments and suggestions.

Robin - I think she named him, but nobody told me his name so i am asking my other cousin. if i can't figure it out, i will just refer to him as her son. God Bless you for using your experience with Dakota to help my cousin, even indirectly. :)

Heather - to lose a 7yo must have brought your friend unbelievable amounts of pain. i'm so sorry.
William M. Dec 20, 2007, 4:28pm EST
I'm sorry, but I have no suggestion.
Danielle P. Dec 20, 2007, 4:32pm EST
I do like the ornament idea too. It honors the baby as part of the family.
Deeanna M. Dec 20, 2007, 5:12pm EST
yes, e.m., especially for someone who doesn't necessarily believe in God.
Jennifer G. Dec 20, 2007, 5:46pm EST
My mother lost one when I was 10. It was the hardest thing... we're coping better now. I took it really hard, and of course, she took it even worse. I think an angel ornament and a card would be great... Just tell her you're there for her!

It's a tough thing, but it's better to acknowledge it than to ignore it.
Joseph C. Dec 20, 2007, 8:23pm EST
Send something don't send something, that's up to you. The really important thing is that you let your cousin know that you are thinking about her and that you care and that your there for her.

so send the orniment, send a letter or card or call her, but reach out to her. as Jennifer S said above losing soemone is the hardest thing...


JC
Robin L. Dec 20, 2007, 9:00pm EST
E.M. I understand where you are coming from as initially people said a lot of stupid things like: You can have another baby; everything happens for a reason; something was probably wrong with him; and a lot of other stuff. As time has gone on I know that people say those things out of ignorance but I have warmed to the one about God possibly having special plans for him. When it is all said in done we are just humans experiencing human tragedies and I don't really believe that it is God's doing. Maybe there was a lesson for me to learn. In actuality it was my body that betrayed my son as I had a weak cervix that could not withhold the weight of the pregancy.

In any event, those were the things that did help when all was said and done and I look back today.
Joan B. Dec 20, 2007, 9:18pm EST
Repose for the dead I pray.
Michelle P. Dec 21, 2007, 12:58am EST
I have never lost a child (thankfully) & my heart breaks each time I hear of this happening to someone. I have had several friends and family who have though. I have found that it is VERY difficult to say the right thing. Everyone has their own way of grieving and living when they go through this. The only thing I have been able to say is how sorry I am. I think that if you feel led to send something (an ornament for example) then do, it is your way of showing support. For as many times as I am sure I have stuck my foot in my mouth when one of my friends/family have gone through this, they have acknowledged that my willingness & desire to support them is appreciated.
Nancy S. Dec 21, 2007, 10:36am EST
I think you already know what to do. You thought of the ornament and that would be perfect. It's something she can put up every year in rememberance.
nuklen r. Dec 22, 2007, 3:22pm EST
sorry for the loss of your cousins precious little one...christmas is extremely horrific for anyone i believe who has lost a child. i lost my baby girl shortly after her birth and my heart aches more during the special times. but i do believe the thoughtful gestures of others make these occasions somewhat bearable. let her know that she can always depend upon your support and love... listen even when there are no words said and try understand even when you cannot. my prayers are with your cousin.
Rachel D. Dec 23, 2007, 12:33pm EST
I love the ornament idea. As for saying something - don't. Your job is there to listen, offer a shoulder and hanky. The BEST thing you can do is just be there for her. Phone calls, emails, something to help her work through everything she's going through. Good luck!
Renee (Pres of Baby James Foundation) ~. Dec 28, 2007, 3:00pm EST
I am sorry I missed this but I lost a son at 8 1/2 months something I like more then anything is someone to send me a letter or even a card on his birthday to him. I want people to remember my angel
Lina :-p Dec 30, 2007, 2:52pm EST
I personally know a woman who owns a company that provides "sympathy" gifts for those that have lost children.. the site is : http://www.angelbabybaskets.com/

I know it's after christmas and all but you may benefit from the site and yes let her know she and her son are in your thoughts!

Join the Conversation
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Already a member? Sign in
top
 
Gather | Friends | Groups | Share
About Gather | Engagement Marketing | Make New Friends | Gather Points | Advertise on Gather | Gather Press | Privacy | Terms of Service | Community Guidelines
Books | Celebs | Entertainment | Family | Food | Health | Moms | Money | News | Politics | Spirituality | Sports | Travel | Writing
Version 16836, "Oz"; Copyright © 2009 Gather Inc. All rights reserved.