Eyes Of A Child

When I was a child and I looked at the sky it seemed such a vast place. Knowing that the universe was all around us and the sky gave us a glimpse outside of our world was an enormous undertaking.

My world was my neighborhood and like everyone I had no idea how large our world was but the foreverness of the sky helped me have a perspective of how little I was and how much there was that I did not know.

Since I was a very small child I often thought when I laid in bed at night about when I would die and I had an idea that death would be like zooming through outerspace, with no beginning and no ending. There would be nothingness, just moving through the vastness of the sky with the twinkling stars in a never ending movement through darkness. I would be so alone and there would be no destination. No one would be with me, I would be alone with my thoughts without anyone or anything. Just speeding through space and time in a state of being nothing. It was unsettling and frightening.

Sometimes I wonder if that is what hell is - not really existing. I always had such an empty feeling with these thoughts. Maybe it was a reflection of my life. Even though I was a child, I was well aware that I was alone. Yes, I had a Mother, Father and sister and relatives but I always had a sense of separation from others. I didn't think like they wanted me to. They never wanted to know my reasoning. Many times I did things I thought would please one of them and it turned out to be disasterous. I didn't behave like they wanted me to. I always seemed to be in trouble and I didn't always know how I got there.

Now that I am older and I have a belief in God and I know that he loves me and always loved me just the way I am, I don't feel alone. He understands me, he knows my heart. He accepts me just the way I am. I don't have to earn his love, I have always had it. Many times with what I have been through I wondered, Lord if you loved me why did you put me here. When I realized that if he didn't have his hand on me I would have died, and I wouldn't be the person I am today if I had not gone throught what I did, I can understand that he had a greater purpose for me in allowing me to go through what I did. Some of what happened resulted from some of the choices I made. What I went through shaped and molded me and taught me. I would not have learned to be a forgiving person if there was nothing to forgive. I realise that God brings good out of everything for those who loves him. I don't feel like I am always in trouble and with his help, :) I do behave.

I have such a strong belief and faith in Jesus Christ. It is not just going with what I was brought up with, my parents weren't church going people. When they did go there were huge fights. My sister and I for the most part were dropped off and later when we were older we walked and went on our own.

My strong belief and faith in Jesus is a knowing. I know he is real. I know it is true. It is not a matter of the intellect, it is a matter of the heart and a matter of the soul. I would bet my very life on it and would die rather than deny him.

Along my path with Jesus I worried when my children were younger that I would have to choose between being able to feed them or Jesus. I never had to make that choice, thank God but it was a hard thought. Now I know to have faith in God that he will some how provide.

My acceptance of Jesus as my savior brought hope into my life. I have hope in eternal life. I have hope in an existance without pain and suffering. I look forward to an existance with Jesus and God and the Angels and loved ones in another realm. It will be a place where I will never feel alone, I will not be spinning through time and space. I will be living happily in my eternal home where no one can ever hurt me again, where my body won't fail me, where people won't die and leave me, where anger doesn't exist and evil doesn't exist. I won't have to look at the pain and suffering I see in this world. There will be happiness and joy, acceptance and love and I will live happily ever after! Please join me, I'd like to see you there!