Prayers for My Family

My dad is currently in the ICU, listed as "Critical and Unstable."  He was having some numbness and blurred vision last night and went in the the Emergency Room at the local hospital, and although we are not sure what happened, it happened quickly; by time the ambulance got him to the hospital, he was unconscious (and we are talking maybe 15 minutes tops, as it is a really small town and response time is very fast).  Hospital there got him stabilized enough to transport him to the closest "real" hospital about 65 miles away, but he had some seizures in the ambulance.  All we know right now is that they don't KNOW.  His right side is, at the moment, paralyzed, which indicates a stroke, but due to the seizures they suspect a bleed in the brain as well.  Maybe some heart issues on top of it.  sadly, he isn't yet stable enough where they can do much testing to figure out just what they are looking at, therefore are in the process of medicating for several different things and ruling things out.  This morning, early, things were a little dicey, his blood pressure was 40/30 and his heart rate was about 60, so they told my sister (she went last night) that we all probably need to decide what, if anything, should be done.

I am here at work until noon, and have actually been spending most of the time getting my ducks in a row in order to be able to leave; four kids to make arrangements for, things that HAVE to be off of my desk, and I have to wait to get paid this morning as well (my boss is in the process of cutting my check right now, bless him!).  One of my sisters is already there, of course, another is flying in from Seattle this morning, a third is getting HER stuff straightened out in order to go, and the last is waiting by the phone until we all get closer.  then, we will congregate and discuss and make a decision.

Dad is 75; up until last week, he was four wheeling and snowmobiling and driving his Jag (he bought two last year, older ones, and they are his pride and joy, next to we five girls) around town like a pimp (joke-we ALL tease him about it!).  Today, it is touch and go.  We all pretty much don't want him to live if he is going to be paralyzed and incapacitated; not because we WANT him to die, but because we all know that were he to be sent to a nursing home, he'd probably kill himself the first chance he got.  Also, we have to measure quality of life, and what kind of work would be involved to get him to even a marginally functional state.  We just don't know yet.

I am not especially close to my dad.  Little more than a baby when my mom left him, I have never had the opportunity to become close to him, and in my adult life I exhibit the classic symptoms of a woman who is basically searching for a father figure.  I have spent the last 30 some years trying to be good enough for dad to love me, and have a lot of anger and abandonment issues.  Maybe because my mom married men serially (7 husbands and counting), so things were uncertain and chaotic at best.  We were your typical dysfucntional family-we got the shit beat out of us regularly at home, were demeaned and belittled at every turn, but presented the "happy family" picture to the world.  For years, I was furious with my dad for not trying to do something to stop it.  It was a small town, like I said (one from which I ran as far away as I could, as fast as I could), and everyone knew what was going on but didn't want to get involved-again, typical.

Now, though, in the last 8 years or so, I have come to realize that for whatever reasons, being angry and resentful serves no purpose.  Ad and I have come to an understanding that for a variety of reasons, we aren't and never will be close.  He loves me, and I love him, and it is time to let the past go.  Always I struggle with the desire to have the kind of dad I needed and deserved but didn't have; always, he will struggle with his own feelings about an ex-wife who did terrible things to us and made it virtually impossible for him to intervene.  Still-the love is there, on both parts, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that we girls-all 5 of us-are the best things in his life.

But think about us all today-as we are traveling from our various geographical locations, as we are traveling in our hearts and souls to a place where we can make the decisions that need to be made.  For strength for each one of us.  For a good, safe, quick journey for my dad.