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by Dale C.
Member since:
March 7, 2007

Char-Chapter Two

December 13, 2007 12:16 AM EST (Updated: December 13, 2007 12:39 AM EST)
views: 1021 | comments: 301

      Sheriff Francine Hart saw the coroner heading out the door of the Davis farmhouse as she got to the head of the basement stairs.  “Weren’t going to leave without saying goodbye, were you?”

       “I thought you were tied up with the questioning.  Preliminary report’s done.  I left a copy for you.  I’ll send you the details after the autopsy.”

       “I like hearing things straight from the horse’s mouth.  Let’s go upstairs and walk through what happened.”

       The coroner looked at his watch, shrugged and walked upstairs to the bedroom with her.  “The deceased is tentatively identified as Bruce Golden, twenty-six years old, six-feet two-inches tall, weighed two hundred and sixty pounds.  He was carrying a wallet.  Money and credit cards appear to be intact.”

       “So what happened?”

       “This is all tentative.  It may change with the autopsy.”  The coroner pointed to a bookcase by the door.  “The deceased was standing over here.  He was facing his assailant.  His injuries are consistent with the murder weapon being the million candlepower flashlight we found downstairs.  He partially blocked one of the hits, almost certainly the first one.  He took it on his left arm, but the momentum carried the flashlight into his head.  Second hit was probably to the Adam’s apple with the flat of a hand.  Caused quite a bit of damage.  Third hit caught him in the side of his head and probably killed him instantly.”

       The sheriff looked at the bookcase, then at the body.  “Let’s see if I can follow that little bit of Sherlocking.  Body had two wounds on the head from getting hit with the light.  One was a lot more damaging than the other.  There was a wound from the light on his arm.  Blood on the bookcase says it happened over here.  Right so far?”

       “Yep.”

       “How did he get over by the bed?”

       “Assailant picked him up and put him down.  Couldn’t have dragged him.  No drag marks and not enough blood.”

       “Why do that?”

       “There’s a rug there.  Less chance of a thump.”

       “Bruce would have weighed a good 260 pounds.  Fireman’s carry?”

       “Nope.  Not enough blood.  Assailant picked him up and shifted him.  You’re looking for a very strong man.”

       “Or woman.”

       “Or a woman Olympic-class weight-lifter.”

       The sheriff grinned.  “Sexist.  A semi-pro football player would be a pretty strong guy, wouldn’t he?  Anything else?”

       “Time of death was around midnight—give or take enough time to make it pretty much useless in ruling people in or out in this case.  Rest is in the report.”

       The sheriff walked the coroner out, then went down to the main area of the basement and took over from the deputy questioning Erik Davis.  After a couple of minutes she yawned.  The deputy taking notes beside her tried hard but unsuccessfully to stifle a yawn of his own.  Sheriff Hart studied the young man sitting across the desk from her in the improvised interview room she had set up in the basement of the Davis farmhouse.  His driver’s license put Erik Davis at twenty-six years old.  He looked quite a bit older and somehow weather-beaten, though Sheriff Hart didn’t see any gray in his blonde hair nor fat on his wiry 6-foot frame.  He looked tired and shaken. The side of his head was swelling.

       The sheriff looked at her notes.  “So the four of you were playing paintball.  How do your cows like it when you do that?”

       “They don’t.  We keep them in the barn when we play.”

       “Do you play paintball out here often?”

       “Not much anymore.  I’ve been too busy since Mom and Dad died.  Actually, this is the first time Ken has been up here.”

       The sheriff looked at her notes again.  “I was wondering about that.  You and your cousin—Rick Blair is it?”

       “Yes.”

       “You two and the deceased have an apartment together in town, but I’m not sure where Ken List fits in.”

       “It was Bruce’s idea to bring him up here.  Rick and Ken knew each other in high school and didn’t particularly like each other.  Bruce knew them both and I guess he figured they’d get to be friends if they got to know each other.”

       The sheriff nodded.  “How badly did they not like each other?”

       Erik said, “Not seriously—just high school stuff.  Ken was the star running back and Rick didn’t give him the worship he thought he deserved.”

       “Nothing more recent?”

       “Nothing serious.  Ken’s dating the girl Rick would like to be dating, but Rick’s pretty laid back about things like that.”

       “What’s the girl’s name?”

       “Dawn Regan.”

       The sheriff yawned again as she looked at her notes, then shook her head.  “That’s the difference between twenty-seven and thirty-something.”

       “What?”

       “Just thinking out loud.  Ten years ago I would have still been up at one o’clock in the morning,” Sheriff Hart said.  “Now you didn’t try to follow the person you saw jump down from the balcony?”

       “No.  I think I passed out shortly after that.  He hit me with the flashlight just before he ran, and I fell down the stairs.”

       The sheriff nodded.  “You said ‘he hit me with a flashlight.’  Did you see this person well enough to identify them?”

       “No.”

       “Well enough to know it was a man?”

       “Not really.”

       “Why not?  Why couldn’t you see well enough to identify him or her?”

       “He—they flashed one of those big car-headlight flashlights in my eyes.”

       ”And then shot you with a paintball.”  The sheriff looked at Erik’s shirt.  “Looks like they hit you right where your heart is.  Why did they do that?”

       “I don’t know.”

       The sheriff looked at her notes.  “You’re a farmer and a mechanic.  You look like you’re a pretty strong guy.  Any reason you couldn’t kill somebody by hitting them over the head with a big flashlight?”

       Erik said, “I didn’t.  I don’t have anything physically wrong with me, if that’s what you’re asking.”

       “Ever see the woman that was here before?”

       “No.”

       “Any idea how she got out here or what she was doing on your farm?”

       Erik shrugged.  “I’m figuring she was some kind of live-off- the-land survivalist, but that’s just a guess.”

       “Was she Indian?”

       “I don’t think so.  If anything, she looked like she might have had a little Australian Aborigine in her, but her skin was lighter than mine.”

       The sheriff looked at her notes again.  “Hair dyed red.  Shaved up the sides.  Hair thick and long at the top.  Bigger-than-life tattoo of a wolf on her chest.  Wouldn’t be too out of place in Chicago, but people would notice her out here in the sticks.  Notice anything else about her?”

       “Yeah.  She moved wrong.”

       “Your cousin said that too.  He couldn’t explain it though.”

       “Neither can I.  She didn’t walk right and she didn’t run right either.”

       “Was she hurt?”

       “Yes, but it didn’t slow her down.  Moved fast.”

       The sheriff shrugged.  “Did the deceased have anybody special female-wise?”

       “This week?”  Erik asked.  “Bruce had a problem.  He would get into relationships and then he’d get scared and want to get out, but he hated conflict, so he’d just not be available.  Eventually the girl would get the message.”

       “Sounds like a jewel of a guy.  Any of these girls mad enough to kill him?”

       “Not that I know of.”

       The sheriff nodded.  “Fair enough.  Now you told one of the deputies that some items were missing from the room upstairs.  A laptop computer, paintball guns, night vision goggles, and a blanket.  Anything else?”

       “Not that I noticed.”

       “If you notice anything else let us know,” Sheriff Hart said.  “So somebody jumped off of your balcony and just kept running.  How high would you say that balcony is?”

       “Eight feet.  Maybe a little more.  Ken is an athlete.  He could probably do it.”

       “Maybe.  How heavy was this woman you found by the river?”

       Erik shrugged.  “A lot heavier than she looked.  Maybe a hundred and fifty pounds.  Maybe more.”

       “So you think Ken List jumped eight feet down from your balcony carrying an unconscious 150 pound woman, plus a laptop, plus the other missing things and just ran on like nothing happened?  I can’t quite picture him being able to do that. Can you?”

       Erik shrugged.  “I don’t know.  Whoever I saw was carrying something big, too big to be a laptop.”

       “Big enough to be a person?”

       “I’m not sure. Maybe.”

       “And Ken was in the house when you woke up.  Do you have any reason to believe he left the house at any time?”

       “No, but the balcony door was unlocked.  Maybe he climbed back up to cover his tracks.  Rick said he saw someone go in the balcony door as he pulled up the driveway.”

       Sheriff Hart shrugged.  “Maybe.  Speaking of tracks, this guy supposedly jumped eight feet down off of a balcony.  He weighs over two hundred pounds.  He’s supposedly carrying a woman.  That’s hard dirt out there, but close to four hundred pounds landing from eight feet up would leave a mark.”

       “And it didn’t?”

       “Not four hundred pounds worth of mark.”

       The sheriff motioned for the deputy who had been witnessing the interview to come over.  She stepped out of Erik’s earshot and said, “Get someone in here to witness and take over.  Get names and contact info on next of kin and whoever else needs to be notified.  Get a detailed list of what he thinks is missing, then take him down to the river and diagram what he says happened.  Be careful with my crime scene.  When you get done with him, take Rick Blair down separately and diagram what he says happened.  Oh, and get names and addresses of any girlfriends the deceased dumped in the last year.”

       “Aren’t many women strong enough to do what they did to him.”

       “You’d be surprised at what a woman who’s been dumped can do.”

       “Maybe.  Am I doing an interview or an interrogation?”

       “Don’t know yet.  I hope he’s a friendly.  He’s either a world-class actor or he’s pretty shaken up.  Have you seen Deputy Brantley lately?”

       “Yeah.  I saw him poking around the corners of the basement.  He’s probably looking for you.”

       She slapped the deputy on the back and walked on.  She grinned when she saw Deputy Al Brantley coming out of one of the side rooms.  The lanky deputy walked up to her, a little too nonchalant and asked.  “Been back in the side rooms?”

       “The ones with the doors that blend with the basement walls and the electric outlets two feet apart?  Yeah, the previous owners had a little basement hydroponics operation.  They got careless distributing the drugs.  That’s why the house was for sale.”

       The deputy showed no sign of deflation.  Pity, the sheriff thought.  Out loud she asked, “Ken List still not talking?”

       “Not a word.  He has a nice goose-egg of a bump on the right side of his head.  I made sure that was in one of the room pictures we took.  I noticed that Rick Blair has a pretty nice lump on his forehead too.  Are you buying this story about the girl with the tattoos?”

       The sheriff shrugged.  “If there was a girl, here we’ll find evidence of it.  Supposedly she bled on the sheets, so that’ll prove it one way or the other if nothing else does.”

       “Are you buying them just finding her wandering around in the woods?”

       “Don’t have enough evidence to say.”

       “Give you five to one that she came out here with them if she existed at all.  Things probably got too rough for her and she tried to leave.”

       “That doesn’t explain how Bruce died.”

       “Others may have been afraid he would talk.  Or maybe it was all this Ken List’s idea to get rid of the girl’s body and Bruce wouldn’t go along with it.  Then again the other two are cousins and they may be protecting each other.  Could have even been a ‘most dangerous game’ scenario.”

       The sheriff laughed.  “Not in my county.  You’ve been watching too much TV.”

       Deputy Brantley said, “Well, one thing I can tell you is that someone’s built a nice little crime scene for us to find down by the river.”

       “You’ve been down there?”

       “Yep.  Don’t worry.  I was careful.  There are bare footprints out there leading into the river, and they’re good fakes, but they are fakes.  Big toe’s too big.  Other toes are too small.  Feet didn’t land quite right.  Stride’s too long for a short woman.  Whoever made the tracks had to weigh almost as much as I do.  Some other things don’t fit either.”

       “You need to stop traipsing around in my crime scene.  We do this systematically.”

       Deputy Brantley shrugged.  “I know enough not to destroy evidence.”

       “You do realize there may be a murderer out there.”

       “I think the murderer is sitting right here in this farmhouse,” Deputy Brantley said.  He turned and started to walk away.

       The sheriff asked, “Have the guys in town searched the apartment there yet?”

       “Bruce’s part of it.  They found some hot e-mails on his computer, but they may have just been Spam come-ons.  Nothing threatening.”

       “Odd about the faked footprints.  That would make Rick and Erik both liars.  Neither of them are strong enough to be our murderer, though, unless they did it together.”

       Deputy Brantley shook his head.  “If you need your suspect to be strong, don’t rule out Rick Blair.  Just between you and me, one of the town guys peeked into his room.  He’s got quite a set of weights, including 80-pound dumbbells.”

       “That doesn’t sound like too much.”

       “Until you figure that you lift dumbbells with one hand, and according to the chart in his room he does sets of twenty.”

       “I’ll keep that in mind.  Hang tight a second or two.  I’ll be back.” 

       The sheriff turned and walked out to the front yard.  She touched base with the deputy in charge of searching the nearby roads and driveways for any out-of-place cars.  She also sent a deputy to contact nearby farmhouses and alert the neighbors to be on the lookout for the woman.  She looked at her watch.  She wasn’t surprised to see that it was after four in the morning.  She saw lightning in the distance and delegated someone to gather tarps to cover the important parts of the crime scene if necessary.  She went back over to Deputy Brantley.  “Let’s take a look at this phony crime scene of yours before the rain wipes it out.”

       They walked toward the river.  Deputy Brantley pointed with his flashlight, “That’s where they supposedly crossed paths.  All four of the guys were moving around down here tonight.  Pattern’s consistent with Ken List hiding and the other three hunting for him.”

       “And the woman?”

       “Well, there’s a trail.  It just isn’t real.”

       “Show me.  Just don’t get too close until I get pictures and sketch it out.”

       Deputy Brantley walked over and pointed.  “Best tracks I could find.”

       Sheriff Hart took pictures from several angles, and then sketched the scene, working in from the periphery.  She pointed at a set of tracks that came within a couple of feet of the trail.  “Yours, I assume.”

       “Had to get there somehow.”

       Sheriff Hart asked, “Trace it all the way down to the river?”

       “Yep.”

       “And it looks like whoever made the trail went into the river?”

       “Yeah.”

       Sheriff Hart stood up and looked down Deputy Brantley’s trail.  “Somebody shoot a bunch of paintballs down there?”

       “Yep.”

       “So you’ve tramped all over my crime scene?”  Sheriff Hart asked.

       “Found the key evidence.  Did my job.”

       Sheriff Hart shrugged.  “Not much we can do about it now.  Did you follow the trail back from here?”

       “Not yet.”

       “And not ever.  I’ll follow it back.  Did you check out the tree where the sap or blood was dripping?”

       “Not yet.”

       “That’s next on our list, then get down to the river and cover up as much of the scene as you can with tarps in case the rain hits.  Take somebody with you so this imaginary girl doesn’t kill you.”

       Deputy Brantley climbed the tree while Sheriff Hart looked for footprints and blood around it.  She looked up.  “Find anything?”

       “Wet spots.  Could be blood.  Nothing dead.  I took samples.  What do you think actually happened here?”

        

       Sheriff Hart shrugged.  “If this really is a fake crime scene then Erik and Rick are lying.  Question is, why?  I don’t know why someone went to all of the trouble, or why they didn’t get the foot right.  Maybe it’s real and she had a deformed foot.”

       “Those tracks aren’t real.  Count on it.”

       “Maybe,” Sheriff Hart said.  “If they aren’t, then maybe four twenty-something guys brought some little bimbo up here and she decided she didn’t want to play their games.  Things got out of hand and she died.  Maybe Bruce died then.  Maybe he got a conscience and died later.  Then somebody got entirely too smart for their own good and built a crime scene for us to find.  Thing is, Rick and Erik don’t seem like the bimbo-bringing types.”

       “They’re guys.  They’re twenty-something years old.  They don’t have girlfriends.  They like girls.  Yeah, they’re the bimbo-bringing types.”

       “Sure enough of that to arrest them?”

       “No point.  The district attorney’s too lazy to pick his own nose.”

       “That’s an image I could live without,” Sheriff Hart said.  “I thought he was just too dumb to find his own nose.”

       “Either way, you’re going to have to gift wrap this for him, and it isn’t gift wrapped yet.  What are you going to do?”

       “Not sure yet, but they aren’t going anywhere without a leash,” Sheriff Hart said.  “Some things still don’t fit, though.  I talked to Rick and Erik.  I could swear that they were shocked, bewildered, and barely holding it together.  If they were acting, they both did a world class job of it.  Erik is going to have a couple of world-class lumps on the side of his head in a few hours, so something did hit him, almost hard enough to cause a concussion.  Also, why would they set up a story that puts them up for possible manslaughter?  Why spend half the night setting up a fake crime scene when they could have just said they found the woman’s body in the river, or let it drift down and be found somewhere downstream?  And where did the woman come from?  No one’s been reported missing around here.”

       “And you don’t think they’re the type to bring her up here.”

       “No I don’t.  Well, at least Rick and Erik aren’t.  We’ll have to see if they’re really as clean as they seem.  I know that Ken List isn’t.  He’s had his share of problems—drugs back in high school, several fights, women who found his wooing techniques a tad too coercive, and of course the battered wife bit.”  Sheriff Hart shrugged.  “We can safely say the boy has an impulse control problem.  Heard anything on the grapevine about Rick or Erik?”

       ”They seem so squeaky clean that I’m pretty sure they’re dirty.”

       Sheriff Hart said, “Over the years I’ve learned to ignore those instincts of yours.  Who are they?  What do they do?  Is either of them smart enough or cocky enough to try to make us jump through hoops?”

       “Rick Blair’s a loser.  He’s a college graduate—good grades, good degree.  Then he came back to Applebury and he’s been doing dead-end jobs for four years.”

       Sheriff Hart shrugged.  “According to my notes he stocks shelves for a department store.  Works third shift during the week.  Doesn’t make him a loser.  He’s in his twenties.  He pays his bills and keeps his nose clean.  If he’s still doing the same thing in five years, then he’d be a loser.  Any sign of drugs or ties to the dark side?”

       “The dark side?  One of Rick’s great-grandfathers--or maybe it was a great-great-grandfather—was a small time bootlegger.  Does that count?”

       “How do you know that?”  Sheriff Hart asked.  “Actually, forget I asked.  Anything more recent?”

       “No.  Boy has a weird sense of humor, though.”

        “A sense of humor.  Very suspicious.  What about Erik?”

       “Blue collar kind of guy.  Auto mechanic.  Good one from what I hear.  Went out to California for college.  Couldn’t make the grade.  Works hard.  Pays his bills on time.  Helps little old ladies cross the street.  Loser.”

       Sheriff Hart grinned.  “In other words, they’re exactly what they seem to be.  Nice couple of young guys who haven’t quite figured out what they want to do in life.  What about the women in their lives?”

       “Losers.  Dawn Regan’s not bad to look at if you like short women--”

       “She’s about an inch shorter than I am.”

       “Yeah,” Deputy Brantley said.  “Not bad looking, but she hasn’t figured out that the looks could give her a big edge in life.  No record—not even a parking ticket.  Nearest thing to a criminal connection is the fact that she’s dating Ken List.  Wants to illustrate childrens’ books but works retail.  Loser.  Rita Fairfax seems clean too.  No criminal connections.  Teaches English to people who don’t know it.  Erik thinks she’s too good for him, and unless she’s dog ugly she is.”

       “None of which points anywhere, but it’s about what I had heard.”

       “So what do we do?”

“We finish processing the crime scene, then we wait.  We don’t make any accusations, but we let them know we’re skeptical.  Maybe they’ll decide to improve the crime scene.   Erik claimed that he took a picture of the woman with a webcam. Maybe the missing laptop will show up with the woman’s picture in it.  That doesn’t make an awful lot of sense from their point of view, but if they’re trying to lead us somewhere they’ll make it more obvious,” Sheriff Hart said.  “Give them rope and let them get tangled up in it.  If there’s another body, we’ll find it. ”

       “Interesting that Ken lawyered up and won’t say a word.  Other two are pointing to him as the guy.  He may rat them out too when the time is right.”

       “That’s what I figure.  But will he be telling the truth?”

       “Probably not all of it.

       After they finished, Sheriff Hart took a deputy and worked her way back along the trail away from the river.  She found and collected two spots of dried blood, then followed the trail back to a mudhole around twenty-five yards in diameter.  By now it was five in the morning, and the forest was starting to get light.  She worked in from the outskirts of the mudhole, first circling and looking for any point where someone might have entered or left.  She found one other point where the grass appeared to have been disturbed on a trail either to or away from the edge of the mudhole, and the print of a large bare foot in the mud.

       She finally worked her way into the mudhole, following the trail.  It was easy to follow, but the trail ended abruptly in the center of the mud.  Sheriff Hart systematically photographed, measured, and charted the scene.  She re-examined the footprints, looking for any hint of overlaps that might indicate that someone had walked backwards into the mud and then walked back out stepping in the same footprints.  Finally she stood up and looked around.  She shook her head.  “I hate mysteries.”  

Expand Tags: first chapters, crime, mystery
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Comments: 301

Vivian A. Dec 13, 2007, 12:24am EST
Yeah! Going back to read now Dale. Congrats on making the second round.
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Kathleen ♥ L. Dec 13, 2007, 1:57am EST
Apparently you've advanced to round two. Good for you.
This is a good next chapter. It does a good job of laying out the potential paths the story could take without giving anything away. Nothing in the way of glaring typos or grammatical errors at first read. Good luck!
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June B. Dec 13, 2007, 8:32am EST
OMG Dale, I'm so happy you made it to the second round. So far I've been right on with my personal top 25 list. Congrats. I'll be right there voting for you. This is wonderful news and so exciting. WTG Dale.
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~Sia McKye~ Dec 13, 2007, 11:38am EST
woo-hoo Dave!
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Richard L. Dec 13, 2007, 1:46pm EST
Hey Dale,
What really impressed me here is how adeptly the story shifts. I remember the first chapter very clearly, and while obviously this is the same plot, you re-focus your readers in a new way. We've gone from sci-fi to empowerment to first person fraternity-ish, and now to a police procedural with Sheriff Hart (and she's great, by the way). Very smoothly done on all fronts, but what separates you is your ability to shape shift as a writer. Really cool.
Nice job and best of luck.
Ricky
The Well Trained Moose - Chapter Two
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Ramzy S. Dec 13, 2007, 2:07pm EST
Mystery 10 out of 10. Reality 8 out of 10. Just like chapter 1.
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Jane F. Dec 13, 2007, 3:06pm EST
Hi Dale, Glad to see this here. I have enjoyed both your chapters - they're real mysteries, with a twist, and wonderful characters, including your femme fatale. And they're memorable. And you've got the best lady sheriff since J.A. Jance's Joanna Brady (she's a good read, too). Good luck in the contest, you've got a ten from me!
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Ken C. Dec 13, 2007, 3:52pm EST
This works nicely, well done.
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Alison Pearce Dec 13, 2007, 4:33pm EST
Fabulous Dale! No less than I would expect from you!
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Jennifer Oliver Dec 13, 2007, 6:02pm EST
Congratulations, Dale!

Overall, an enjoyable chapter (BTW, I wish the contest moderators would place links to the first chapters like they did in the FCR contest). Very clever use of dialogue to describe the victim and the extent of injuries...you definitely have a knack for dialogue, which is very believable and flows well. Also, more importantly, characters that are believable and likeable.

Some minor nits:

"If there was a girl, here we'll find evidence" - move comma to after "here"

Where it says "pointed with his flashlight, "That's" - probably that comma needs to be a period or you can say "pointed with his flashlight and said, "That's"

I was confused by: "unless she's dog ugly she is" - perhaps change it to "unless she's dog-ugly, she is."

I got a good chuckle out of the following:

- "They seem so squeaky clean that I'm pretty sure they're dirty."
- "Works hard. Pays his bills on time. Helps little old ladies cross the street. Loser."
- Their personal view of the lazy district attorney - LOL!

Exceptional chapter with a wonderful sly sense of humor, leaving me wanting to know the answers to all the questions the law enforcement folks were asking themselves. Who was indeed this mysterious girl?

Perfect ending there on this chapter. Easily 10 stars. Good luck, Dale!
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Ian M. Dec 13, 2007, 7:40pm EST
Congrats, Dale, on making the second round. I hope to see you get published soon.
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June B. Dec 13, 2007, 10:14pm EST
Dale, this is excellent. WTG
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Sherrie H. Dec 13, 2007, 10:56pm EST
Loved chapter two as much as I did number one. The ending is hysterical. Definitely a cliff-hanger. I want to read more now!
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Michael A. Dec 14, 2007, 9:39am EST
I have to agree with Ramzy. The writing is excellent and the story engaging and entertaining, but the reality of it left me a bit dazed. Especially the coroners assesment of the scene. Thats not critical, just my opinion.
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Trudy P. Dec 14, 2007, 8:42pm EST
Wooooo hoooooooo you made it to the second round.... I'll be back to read it and comment when I have more time!
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Judi F. Dec 14, 2007, 9:05pm EST
Dale, your characterization and dialogue are so wonderful that I can hear these characters w/o needing any tags whatsoever. The mystery set-up is phenomenal and I love her tongue-in-cheek comment at the end - well, tongue-in-cheek to the reader :)

Great job, Dale. This is fabulous.
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(The Other) Dale C. Dec 15, 2007, 12:12am EST
Another great chapter. I'm still wanting more and hoping you make it to round three, so we can find out more about our "visitor". Ten again!
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Claire C. Dec 15, 2007, 2:38am EST
Dale,
I was excited to see you in this competition and even more happy to see you weave some sci-fi elements into a mystery novel. Obviously this poor female is reacting in a very normal way for who she is and where she comes from (wherever that may be). At the same time, our young men are also acting like typical men their age. The problem of course arises when the two worlds collide. You certainly have a way of making worlds collide don't you?

The writer switch between Chars head, the boys' heads and the police is excellent. None of them are cardboard characters or unbelievable in their reactions to the situation.

The story line is intriguing and draws the reader along so we feel like part of the story instead of like an outsider looking in. I don't know what other gems you have hidden in your author's bag, but I would like to see you pursue publication on this one no matter how this contest turns out!
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Cheryl R. Dec 15, 2007, 11:59am EST
Congratulations, Dale. Good writing. Good luck.
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Quinn E. Dec 15, 2007, 12:46pm EST
This keep up the momentum--and the suspense. And the writing just keep getting stronger. Congrats on a job well done. This is a 10.
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ELLEN B. Dec 15, 2007, 1:59pm EST
Excellent job Dale. I knew you would be a finalist. You have the touch. As a reader, I want to know about Char so much. I did enjoy your jump back to reality,. and it was done very smoothly. I hope that continues. Will it merge? So many questions, now we wait. I will try to be patient. Keep me updated, I have been following you all along, and plan to continue. All the techinical points are pretty much covered. A female sheriff is a plus, and some background on her and how she arrived at her position would be good. That's all I have, you have done it all for this reader. I want more. Good Luck Ellen B.
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David The Nighthawk B. Dec 15, 2007, 2:36pm EST
Cool, 10
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Scott Wittenburg Dec 15, 2007, 8:08pm EST
Here's my 10, Dale, for an excellent Chapter 2! I love the smooth dialogue and interesting characters in this. I also like the way you ended the chapter with Sheriff Hart declaring the rather ironic line, "I hate mysteries." I also keep thinking of the strange girl they found while paint balling and wonder how she figures into this and where it is all leading. This gets better the more I read! Great work - good luck!
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David D. Dec 15, 2007, 9:24pm EST
Dale, love the dialogue. Great chapter.
David
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debra g. Dec 15, 2007, 10:07pm EST
I enjoyed this chapter as much as the first one.I wish you the best as you know I don't nit -pic I just know what I like to read And from me thats a big 10.
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Kenna C. Dec 16, 2007, 12:13am EST
Dale - This story is unique, and being a mystery and sci fi fan, it's a great combo for me. I really like the sherriff, and the story line is developing at a nice pace. I think this chapter is stronger than chapter 1.

I would have liked to get into the sherriff's head a little more - once she comes on scene, there's almost too much dialogue. My only nit, and not really a problem, I just found myself skimming through the dialogue a bit at the end, which is odd for me - I usually only skim narrative.

Great chapter - hope we get to read the book!

Good luck!
Kenna

Good luck!

Kenna
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Ann B. Dec 16, 2007, 1:10pm EST
Dale, incredible! I feel your ability to use dialog to advance the story is such a gift. You weave in information into the dialog in a way that is entirely natural for the investigators to be discussing -- and in that way, give us readers a lot of critical information at this juncture. You make sure we begin to fill in some roundness to the four men involved with Char.

I was fascinated to see the investigators find those clues that Char is more than "just" a time traveler -- which is what I was thinking she was. Instead, we are getting evidence she is far more than what she appears. I loved the details of her feet and her way of walking. How intriguing is this mystery!

I also loved the realistic reaction of everyone. They are all trying to arrive at rational conclusions when the evidence is screaming out to us readers that they are not getting it! Of course they would not be now -- so great the way you've done that. If they leapt to conclusions too early, this would read fake. Even the men who met Char are trying to put her into the context of what they know -- how could they be prepared to realize the implications will move them into another realm or reality?

I also have to say how much I enjoyed both the sheriff and the deputy. They make me want to read more about them both.

______________
Two Birds, One Stone 2
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Lori F. Dec 16, 2007, 2:10pm EST
Dale very nice rewrite. Much more polished and flows very well.

A big 10 for you.

Lori
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WS R. Dec 16, 2007, 4:00pm EST
Hey, Dale

I was surprised by the shift in this chapter, and that's not a bad thing. Your dialogue is good, but I really had no idea who was talking right at the beginning. I suggest some tags so the reader knows exactly who is speaking.

My main suggestion would be to get inside the sheriff's head more--I wasn't sure who the POV character was until later on in the chapter. Some more details about her and what she's thinking/smelling/seeing would really make this outstanding.

I was disappointed Char wasn't in this chapter! Oh well, guess I'll have to wait.

good luck in the contest.
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Tammy B. Dec 16, 2007, 6:33pm EST
Loved the dialogue, Dale - here's a 10!
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John Philipp Dec 16, 2007, 8:37pm EST
Dale, so far a good mystery with good characters. Keep it up.
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Sandra (secretary of Lalaland) C. Dec 16, 2007, 8:41pm EST
This is a great chapter. The sheriff says she hates mysteries I love them I gave you a 10
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Gina Robinson Dec 16, 2007, 10:47pm EST
Congrats on making the second round! Great chapter!
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Leonard P. Dec 16, 2007, 11:40pm EST
Looks very professional. Hope to see more.
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Pat Bertram Dec 17, 2007, 12:00am EST
Dale, I'm pleased you made it to the second round. Maybe third time really is a charm! Good luck.

More Deaths Than One - Chapter Two
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RK C. Dec 17, 2007, 11:17am EST
I really like the mystery and the details. It's a ten by me. Best of luck in the contest.
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Maggie W. Dec 17, 2007, 12:28pm EST
Love your ending line.

Just like your other writing - you have a way of phrasing things that put the action in context for the reader.
"That's the difference between twenty-seven and thirty-something"
"You'd be surprised at what a woman who's been dumped can do"

I look forward to seeing this in print.
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Barbara C. Dec 17, 2007, 4:46pm EST
Dale,
I find this story refreshingly different. Well written and especially your characters.
Loved the line" The D. A. Too dumb to pick his nose!" Small community's have those kind of D. A.s. I like the humor and the mystic of the weird tracks. I would buy this book to read.
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Jonathan F. Dec 17, 2007, 9:12pm EST
Well done! My only nit is that Deputy Brantley seems to have developed a lot of background on the cousins and their circle within a very short time of being called to the crime scene--unless, of course, this being a small town, he just already knows them.
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Melinda ~choosing happiness~ S. Dec 17, 2007, 9:56pm EST
Congrats on making it to round two, Dale! 10 from me!
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Diane R. Dec 17, 2007, 10:01pm EST
Dale, congrats on making in to the second round...I just read chapter 2 i loved it didn't get confused with the story line went with Chapter 1 loved it and it is a 10 in my books..I wish you the best of luck.....
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Cathi S. Dec 18, 2007, 11:16am EST
Good work, Dale. You get a 10 from me. Liked your dialog very much and the last sentence
is great. Good luck
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CRYSTAL C. Dec 18, 2007, 3:06pm EST
best of luck to the next round.. so i can read another chapter
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Wendy C. Dec 18, 2007, 6:06pm EST
A most hardy congratulations Dale. Well done!
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C A. Dec 19, 2007, 9:05am EST
Hi Dale – First, congratulations on making it to round two!

Let the shredding commence. ;-)

First anomaly – the field medical examiner determines the murder weapon to be a flashlight…yet, you don't explain how he made that determination. Was there blood and tissue evidence found on the flashlight?

You also cannot know the blow succession; the only thing that can be surmised is the 'death' blow.

It may be a probable case scenario, but it just doesn't sound true coming from an M.E.

Second anomaly – By all accounts, so far, Char is of a primitive people and a primitive time. If she took the laptop, it begs the question why. She'd have no use for it, no ability to understand it. If someone else, knowing Char and knowing the significance of pictures stored on the laptop, took it, then we've added another layer – and an as yet unseen character to our tale. If this is the case, then your reader has now had to work (too hard) to figure that out. If it's not the case, then taking the laptop makes no sense at all. Methinks, though, that since it keeps coming up it is going to be important later.

I'm going in circles.

Moving on.

Your dialogue is simply wonderful. All the interviewing, interrogating, police procedures, it's all easy to follow, makes sense, and really draws the reader into the story.

The premise is still intriguing, and your re-write is far and away better than the original.

For all the hard work I've seen you put into this story, I give you a "10".

I also leave a suggestion – either re-write or lose chapter one altogether. Start your tale here in chapter two.
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Haim Kadman Dec 19, 2007, 10:05am EST
It's very well written, the dialogue is convincing and informative; by adding suppositions and new inquest directions you are keeping on the suspense, and the reader's interest.
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Bill W. Dec 19, 2007, 10:47am EST
Dale - Some of the comments refer to digression from reality. This is fiction. Digression from reality is exactly the point. I love to invent new stuff. You've done well and used dialog to great advantage. Second chapters have to establish characters and are seldom as exciting as firsts. Congrats!!! Clink!

Rest easy
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Jessica I. Dec 19, 2007, 12:03pm EST
Have to say I'd buy the book at this point. Great job increasing the mystery. I hope you make it to the next round.

Good Luck!
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Jan S. Dec 19, 2007, 8:59pm EST
Great writing, Dale. You continue to stack up the suspense by adding more questions and no answers. That is a great strategy for keeping the reader's interest. I kept waiting for clue...and I'm still waiting. I hope to read the rest.
Photobucket
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Stephen Prosapio Dec 19, 2007, 9:31pm EST
Dale! This is a great story and it's gotten so much cleaner since the first version I read long ago (well, okay, earlier this year!). Keep up the good work and best of luck in the finals!!!
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Norman B. Dec 19, 2007, 10:09pm EST
Dale,
Thanks for inviting me to read this chapter. I enjoyed it. As others have noted, this chapter diverts quite a bit from the sci-fi feeling of the first. But it's always fun for a reader to think he knows something the protagonist doesn't yet know. In this case, that the mysterious woman is certainly not some "bimbo" the boys brought in. You've woven a good mystery.
Good Luck
Norm
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Elizabeth Madrigal Dec 20, 2007, 1:51am EST
I love this story and the characters and the fact that the sheriff is a woman... cool... and that the one character thinks everybody is a loser... oh, I have known a few arrogant little... you know whats like that.
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Lisa "Queen Wombat" F. Dec 20, 2007, 2:11am EST
Dale,

Great job. You're particularly adept at handling dialog - it's clean, snappy and moves the story neatly along.

I'd suggest putting in a little more description, particularly of the Sheriff and the deputies - there's one who just kind of appears who has witnessed the interrogation who doesn't get any kind of description — but I'd definitely like a little more of the Sheriff (who is a great character) and Brantley (who I'm pretty sure is an ass).

Here's an obligatory nit:

After a couple of minutes she yawned. The deputy taking notes beside her tried hard but unsuccessfully to stifle a yawn of his own. Sheriff Hart studied the young man sitting across the desk from her in the improvised interview room she had set up in the basement of the Davis farmhouse

The transition between "stifle a yawn of his own" and "Sheriff Hart studied" seems awkward.

You tell a great story, and you get a 10 from me.
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Bethany C. Dec 20, 2007, 3:39am EST
I gave you a richly deserved 10.
I was a bit disappointed, also, to see that Char wasn't in this chapter. But that just means I'll have to keep reading, doesn't it? It's still really good stuff!
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Sharon A. Dec 20, 2007, 10:54am EST
Congratulations!
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Tina Coruth Dec 20, 2007, 12:14pm EST
Congratulations, Dale. Well done second chapter. It left me wanting to read the next chapter. 10
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ashish j. Dec 20, 2007, 12:51pm EST
well written. 10 fr u
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Deeanna M. Dec 20, 2007, 2:30pm EST
i love it!!! good luck making it to the next level :)

10 from me!
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Beverly M. Dec 20, 2007, 2:33pm EST
I'm intrigued. A 10. Good luck.
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David C. Dec 20, 2007, 4:01pm EST
Dale, you were right. I did enjoy it. I'm actually going to look for Chapter 1. Congrats on making it to this round.
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blaine d. Dec 20, 2007, 4:50pm EST
great one ,congrats &good luck!!
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Anne N. Dec 20, 2007, 5:09pm EST
Hi there, I read alot of dectective books, and this is great and comparable to the big league writers like James Patterson, The only comment I can make is though, I had to keep track of who said what in the conversations which were long IMHO, smiling, but everything is great, and I am anxious to read more, keep up the great work, you are a winner
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carolyn m. Dec 20, 2007, 5:51pm EST
dale good read you are keeping it interesting and mysterious it has me wanting more cant waite for the next round thank you i give you a 10
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donna h. Dec 20, 2007, 6:29pm EST
Dale, congrats on making it to the second chapter. so far, so good
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Cat Givens Dec 20, 2007, 7:18pm EST
Yep, it's a keeper!
Nice going!

Going back to chap 1 just so I got all those guys straight.
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Donna B. Dec 20, 2007, 7:29pm EST
I gave this a a 10. Haven't read the first chapter but if it's any where as good as the second.... well, then, I think you've got yourself a winner. A mystery with in a mystery... can't wait to read chapter 3. Congrats on making it this far and on to the next chapter.
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Georgiana S. Dec 20, 2007, 7:54pm EST
Dale,
I'm intrigued! The description of your story sort of had me prepared for a Zena thing and gratfully was not. I am not too much into Amazon-type women, but this is good. Careful attention to details has you walking behind the characters eyes. Looking forward to more.
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George T. Dec 20, 2007, 8:40pm EST
Good write, Dale. This is sure fire good. If it had pages, I'd be turning them. Good luck. A 10 for you!
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Ann S. Dec 20, 2007, 9:35pm EST
Interesting read. Along the same lines as James Patterson. I'm reading one of his books now and you have the same kind of intrigue that catches my eye. Good luck and keep it up! :)
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Debra C. Dec 20, 2007, 11:45pm EST
I like the way you give us more information through questions as well as description and answers.
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~Sia McKye~ Dec 21, 2007, 12:10am EST
Dale I was really looking forward to reading this chapter and it didn't disappoint me. You do such a wonderful job of introducing police procedural and it draws me even more into the story because I get to see their logic in reading the crime scene, and insight into your characters through their eyes.

I love the fact that Brantley sees the crime scene as fake. As the reader I already know that Char is not from this time period, which means you convince me of the validity of your premise. Seeing the crime scene from the police's point of view, the tracks that don't fit modern standards only adds intrigue to your story. Big toe, the way she moves, boy I can't wait to see the reaction when they run the blood analysis.

I really do like your characters in chapter 2. Brantley slays me…that laconic 'loser' commentary. The boy has been doing this work too long and has a jaded view of people. I like Francine too. She's smart and cagey and also has seen enough to know first appearances aren't always accurate. I think I'm going to enjoy her role in this mystery. Her trying to reconcile what's in front of her by way of facts and the test results on the blood. And the test results are really going to cause a furor.

You have the reader asking lots of questions; who really is Char? Was she drawn into this time and place alone? Does someone else know what she is and is looking to cash in on that? I know she was conserving her strength and looking for a way to escape, but did she? Or did someone 'rescue' her carrying her over the balcony? Why take a laptop? What this means is your reader will want to read on.

This is the kind of story I enjoy reading, I like the element of otherworldliness and seeing the way 'normal' people deal with the strange in the modern world. I admit it; I liked watching Kolchak with my dad for the same reason.

A perfect story for inquiring minds wanting escape and entertainment.
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Sheila Deeth Dec 21, 2007, 1:30am EST
Love what you've done with this Dale. Congratulations on making the second round, and I really hope it goes further. Fascinating reading. So many questions, but you keep the story going.
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arun tp Dec 21, 2007, 3:36am EST
nice, thank you for sharing
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Heather C. Dec 21, 2007, 5:10am EST
This was very well done and I liked your writing style. I can't wait for the book!
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Bambi Andrade Dec 21, 2007, 6:45am EST
Great dialogue, thanks for sending it to me. It's a great story. Good luck.
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Harrel (Len) Phillips Dec 21, 2007, 8:47am EST
Great story, so far. 10 for you.
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Help Melissa Reach 3,000 CLICK HERE ! g. Dec 21, 2007, 9:15am EST
thanks for the invite!!!!!! 10
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DIANE D. Dec 21, 2007, 10:10am EST
GREAT JOB, KEEP IT GOING, A TEN 4 SURE.
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daniella n. Dec 21, 2007, 10:12am EST
Your dialogues are invaluable! I enjoyed every bit of it.
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A. F. Stewart Dec 21, 2007, 10:40am EST
Excellent. Nice descriptive narrative; it keeps the story flow going. And I like the way the mystery is heading, very intriguing.
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Terrence M. Dec 21, 2007, 10:43am EST
Great momentum and lots of suspense. Great setting and a compelling read. Hope I get the chance to read more. Good luck!
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Kitty Lone Hawk Dec 21, 2007, 10:50am EST
BRAVO!!! Very well written, scripted and you keep the players clearly aligned so one doesn't get confused as to who is who....very nice writing and imagination too.

I hated for it to end....can't wait to see Chapter 3.

Excellent, Excellent work.

I'd give you a 20 but I can't so you got MY ten...good luck, but I doubt you'll need it your work speaks for itself, and has the voice of a best seller in the making.
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Jerri H. Dec 21, 2007, 10:57am EST
Thanks~
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Linda Langwith Dec 21, 2007, 11:40am EST
Your writing style is great--it's so easy to just slip into the story and really be right there! Thanks for inviting me to comment. A 10 for sure. By the way, on the multi genre root you might like to read my timeslip suspense novel The Golden Crusader, available on Amazon and published by Twilight Times Books. Good luck with your story--hope it goes all the way!
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Dee C. Dec 21, 2007, 11:47am EST
Dale keep up the good work. The way you have your people interact and conversations are right on. The sense of humor in police investigation may seem cold but that is how they deal with stress on the job and you are capturing that. Good luck.
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Glenda Bixler Dec 21, 2007, 12:26pm EST
Dale, this is intriguing. I must admit I'd like to have read a back cover to know a little about the time issue for the first part was a little difficult to follow; however, it was easy to catch on!

Just curious...were women's feet really bigger in the past?!

I hate Ken! That means you've created a great character...I hope he is the murderer! LOL

Best of luck in the contest and/or in getting your book published!
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Lin G. Dec 21, 2007, 12:32pm EST
Dale, This was a very enjoyable read. I didn't think I was going to like it at first until we got away from Char's POV. I was wrong. I think it's an incredible story line and I really want to read the rest. This is fine work and you have a real talent. I wish you good luck in the contest and a great Christmas. Keep up the good work.
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Janice Haskins Dec 21, 2007, 1:21pm EST
Dale, Dale, Dale...this is an excellent read. It's apparent to me that you take your writing seriously. I agree with everyone else in saying that you've done a great job with the flow of the story, your characters, and your writing style. I look forward to reading the entire book, that I'm positive I'll be able to buy from the bookstore soon! Great job!
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J.C. Alexander Dec 21, 2007, 1:29pm EST
Great job, Dale. I've read your chapter and enjoyed it. I wanted to vote '10' and leave a quick comment for now. I'll leave more detailed comments as soon as I have some free time.

Good luck! I hope you make it to the finals.
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melindafstanley Stanley Dec 21, 2007, 2:28pm EST
You've got real talent Dale. Real talent. You've earned my 10!

Melinda Stanley ~Partners in Passion~
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Elena B. Dec 21, 2007, 2:45pm EST
Good job, Dale. I llike the way you use dialog to advance the story. I like to use dialog as well and for the same reason. Good Luck in going forward.

Elena