a love beyond death [its long]

I walked into that school, and I could already feel the cold stares from everyone around me. I knew that they were staring at me. I just kept my head down, and didn't look up. Their eyes went right through me. I could hear the whispering, and the laughter. I could feel it all, even if I couldn't see it. I chose to ignore it.

I was the new girl at school. I hated that. I have been the new girl at least six times in the past four years of my high school life. It was already November by then, and I am just started school. I looked up to try and find my room. It's room 105. I had math first period. Who know I would be so lucky.

My mom wasn't a very stable person. She barely cooked dinner. If I didn't make something for the two of us, we would go hungry, or she would pull out the TV dinners. I hate those things. They are so fake. I am glad my dad left my mother. I wish I had enough sense to go with him, but I couldn't leave my mom. Without me, she would have nothing.

My teacher was Mrs. Wright. She is tall with curly brown hair. She seemed like she was one of the overly nice teachers, with tries to be buddy buddy with everyone. I didn't like her. She told me to sit in any empty seat available. I looked around. I don't know anyone, nor do I want to know anyone. I decided to sit in the first row, last seat. No one was in front of me, but a kind of cute boy was sitting next to me. "Hey. My name's Brian, what's yours?", he said to me.

"Emily.", I said very short. He has big brown eyes. They are so adorable. His hair was short, and curly. It kind of went into his eyes, but he brushed it back with his hand.

"So, where you from?", he asked me. I hated that question. I never knew what to say. I didn't want anyone to know about my life, and what has happened to me.

"Not from around here.", I told him, looking up at him. He smiled a half smile, and said something about liking girls who are a mystery. I was a mystery alright. I thought he would never be able to break into me, and figure me out. I thought I would be long gone by then anyway. And he would just forget about me, like all my old friends. I didn't even have friends. "What time this class end?", I asked him. I wanted to start a conversation with him again, and the period seemed to be going on forever.

"In about ten minutes. When do you have lunch?", He said back. I liked what was going on. He seemed to be interested in me.

"5th. I have gym next.", I told him. Just in case he wanted to know what I had next. I hoped that wasn't too direct for him.

"Really? Me too. Gym, and then English, History, lunch, french, and then I leave. I love being a senior."

"Oh that's cool. I have another math after gym. From my moving and everything, I need to take some different classes that most seniors already took.", I told him. It seemed we only had gym, lunch, and this class together.

"That stinks. Well, I am glad you're here now. I'll walk you to gym after this.", He said with a smile. I tried and make myself hate him, but I couldn't. He seemed too perfect. The only thing I knew about him, was his name and when he ate lunch, and yet I was attracted to him. This couldn't happen, not to me.

After class he walked with me in the hallway and showed me where the girls locker room was. Many people said hi to him the hallway, so I assumed that he was popular. I hoped he wasn't a jock. I promised myself that I would never date a football player. My dad was really into football, and sports, and it really bothered my mom. He seemed to enjoy it more than her. That's probably what got her so upset half the time. When my dad left, I promised myself I would never be with someone who loved sports more than me.

Gym was so boring. At least Brian was in it. He told me all about the high school, and what teachers to look out for, and which people to befriend. It was nice to finally have a heads up on things. He turned things more personal and asked me if I had a boyfriend. I blushed, and told him no. The bell rung, and he told me to wait for him outside the lunch room before lunch.

In math, it was mostly juniors. I didn't mind. I seemed to make friends with this one girl, Ally. She was short, with blond hair. It looked like it might have been died blond, I never found out. She wasn't that much younger than me. I was surprised. Her eyes were a nice light blue, like the color of the sky. "Have you checked out any of the cute boys yet?", she said to me.Do I confide in this girl, and tell her about Brian? Honestly, what could it hurt. I though I wouldn't be staying there much longer anyway.

"Yeah. Brian.. Brian.. something. He's in my math class. Sits right next to me.", I told her turning away. I wondered if she knows him.

"Are you serious?", she said to me in shock. I felt like I said something wrong. I hoped that wasn't her boyfriend, or her best friends boyfriend. "He is only the biggest flirt I know!", she says with a smile. He is super cute, but everyone knows he only wants one thing from a girl..." I looked at her waiting for her to finish her sentence. "sex"

I couldn't believe it. Is he only using me? What a pig! I didnt even want to talk to him now! What are people going to think of me? Why should I care anyway. I had never had sex before anyway, and I doubted he liked me anyway. "I'll be careful.", I told her. We talked for the rest of the period about boys, the teachers, high school stuff. It felt good to have someone to talk to.

At lunch, Brian waited for me in front of the cafeteria. I took one look at him, and kept walking. "Emily. Hey Emily. What wait, it's me Brian.", He said to me following after me. I kept walking though. I acted like I didn't hear him. He finally caught up to me, and stood in my way. "Emily. What's wrong? Did I do something wrong?", he said to me. He actually looked concearned. I felt bad. I didnt even know him. It was just gossip.

"It's nothing. Never mind.", I said to him laughing. "I just forgot.. it's my first day and all. Sorry." He laughed and smiled.

"Come over here with me. You can sit with me and my friends.", he said, grabbing my hand, and walking me over to the far end of the cafateria, which, by then, was filling up pretty quickly. "This is George, Jack, Jessie, Jack's girlfriend, Molly, Amber, John, and Ryan.", he said pointing out everyone to me as we sat down at the table. No one really stood out to me as someone I would like. Brian still had my hand. "Hey guys, this is Emily. She's new. She's from.. well, that's a secret.", he said smiling over at me. I blushed, as everyone said their hellos, and I responded back with my hey.

Lunch was great. I learned so much about Brian. I was seriously falling for this guy. I hoped Ally wasn't right. I would feel so used. Brian gave me his number, and told me to call him after school. He wanted to hang out with me. He drove a red pick up truck. I thought that it was cute, and I told him that. He laughed, and thanked me.

After school, I called him. I was so nervous that my hand was shaking. "Brian? It's me, Em.", I said to him.

"Em, huh? You don't think Emily that much.", he said to me on the other end. I felt stupid. I forgot that I introduced myself as Emily, and not Em. I liked to be called Em, but I didn't mind either way.

"Oh yeah. I guess I never told you that.", I said to him. Silence. I didn't know what to say to him. I didn't want to be so forceful, or screw up.

"So, what are you up to Em?", he asked me. I told him nothing and that I was just waiting for my mom to get home from work. She was in the next room watching TV, but I wanted something to say. "Want to hang out? I'll come get you if you want. I can show you this really cool burger place that I absolutely love."

"I don't know Brian.. I don't even really know you.", I told him. He laughed. I laughed.

"C'mon. Will you come if I make it a date?", he said. Butterflies rushed into my stomach. I did't know what to say. Ally popped into my head, about what she said earlier that day in math.

"If it's a date.. Well, how can I turn you down? Sure. I live on canal street. The small white house, number 18. We have a dog that's in the front yard.", I told him. He said he would be right over, and we get off the phone.

Was I suppose to change my clothes? I didn't know how to get ready for a date. Before I even had time to think, I heard the doorbell ring. There was no way it could be Brian, so I was interested in who it is. I walked over to the door and opened it, to find Brian there. He was wearing the same thing from school that day. "But how. You.. And we..", I was speechless.

"I live right across teh street. I saw you guys moving in. I didn't want to freak you out or anything when I met you in school today.", he said to me. I couldn't believe he lived across the street.

From that moment on, Brian and I became inseparable. We did everything together. That December, before winter break, he asked me to the Snow Ball Dance. "Hey Em.", he said one late December night. We were in his red pick up truck sitting up on Ol' Man's Grove. It was a beautiful view of our little town below from up there. That was the same place he asked me out, the same place where he first told me he loved me, the same place he purposed to me and the same place where he told me he was going to die.

"Yeah?", I said back to him looking into his eyes. I wasn't sure what he was going to say. He hadn't officially asked me out yet, and we hadn't kiss yet either. I liked the way things were. I had only been in the school for about a month.

"I really like you. I was just wondering if you would.. you know.." He didn't know how to say what he wanted to say. I just waited for him to speak. I didn't want to interrupt him. "Why do you make it so hard?", he laughed. "Em, I was just wondering if you would be my girlfriend, and go to the Snow Ball Dance with me?" I was in totally shock. By then, Ally from math class had become my best friend. She knew about all the time I spent with Brian, and kept warnign me about him. Was I suppose to listen to my best friend, or listen to my heart?

"Of course I will.", I said after deciding to listen to my heart. That was the best decision I had ever made. I felt like a completely new person after that night. Brian really changed me world.

Since we were seniors, we had prom that we were all so excited about. Ally was going because her boyfriend, Gavin was a senior. I couldn't wait for that special night. I knew I was going to have a blast and have so much fun, but I didn't realize how much that one night would change my life.

Brian and I had been going out for about five months when prom came about. Ally kept warning me about Brian. She said as soon as we had sex, she would bet for sure he would break up with me. I was the longest relationship Brian had ever been in, and we hadn't had sex by then. I was proud of myself, and to me, Brian was a victory.

The night before prom, Brian took me up to Ol' Man's Grove. He told me he needed to talk to me about something. I was scared because I thought that he was going to break up with me. Ally said that she thought Brian would break up with me if I didn't sleep with him soon. He never pushed the limits with me. I never felt like once he was going to go too far with me.

"So.. What is it?", I said to him after a silent drive up to Ol' Man's Grove and after sitting in silence for what seemed like ten minutes. I looked over at him, He seemed to be crying. "Babe, are you crying?", I said to him. He didn't answer me. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"

"Em.... Emily. I.. I..", now I could hear his sobs. He was crying. I didn't say anything, but I feared the worst. "I love you Emily.", He finally said. I couldn't believe it. It was the first time he said those three words to me. I just couldn't figure out why he was crying.

"I love you too. I love you too.", I said to him, wiping the tear that fell down his cheek. "Why are you so upset?"

"Because Em. Because.", he got real soft. I wanted to know what was wrong.

"Just tell me Brian. You can tell me -"

"Because I have AIDS.", he said interrupting me. My eyes stung with tears. Why was he telling me this? I didn't understand. What did that mean? "I'm going to die.", he said bursting into tears.

I couldn't hold my tears back anymore either. My started coming too. I couldn't think of anything to say. What do you say to someone you love who has AIDS?

"I won't let them take you.", I finally said through all my tears and sighs. He looked at me, and kissed me. He kissed me good too. He kissed me like he might it. He kissed me like he wanted it to go on forever. I wished it could last forever. "So what does that mean for us?", I said after we kissed.

"I don't know. I don't know.", he said looking down in disgrace. It didn't click until just there - what Ally said must have been true, but wasn't true any longer. I started to get mad. I don't know why, but I did.

"So how many people have you slept with? How many did you give this too?", I demanded. I was filled with rage, and he could tell.

"Baby, calm down. It's okay. I found out over the summer, and I haven't slept with anyone since I found out. I don't ever want to have sex again. I can't believe I screwed things up this bad. I don't know who I got it from, but I am too embarrassed to let any of the girls I have slept with know about it." I instantly felt sick. My range and anger went to sickness. I felt like I was going to be sick.

"Is that why we haven;t had sex?", i finally said to him. I laughed after I asked it because it was so straight forward. He laughed too.

"Yes. I love you with all of my heart, and I could never give this to you. You don't know understand how much you mean to me.", he said. "I am sure you have heard from Ally and your friends about my reputation. Well look where it got me. It got me here, to this place. Where I can't have sex with girl I am in love with because of some stupid mistake that I made. I was going to wait until I was married anyway. But we see how far that got me."

"It's okay sweetie. I still love you all the same.", I said to him. I didn't know what to say. We kissed again, and then he took me home.

We did get married, and on our wedding night, I did have sex with him for the first time. I told him that loved him, and only him, and if that's how he was going to die, then that's how I was going to die too. Six months after our wedding, he died.

It's been five years since he died. I miss him more as each day goes on. He was my first and only love. I still love him, even though he's gone. Brian will never understand how much he means to me. This is a love that is beyond the grave, this is a love that is beyond death. That's what true love is, a love beyond death.