Goodness, Gracious Great (Swedish) Goats of Fire!

When most people think of Sweden, they think of the following: gnarled meatballs drowning in a sauce resembing the liquid found in an antiquated bottle of Elmer’s Glue, a puppet chef with bushy eyebrows and matching mustache, ABBA, and the Swedish bikini team. But during the Christmas season, there is something else that Sweden is becoming known for: flaming goats.

Not actual goats of course. Flaming goats would be, well, awesome to be completely honest… but cruel. No, you should never apply flame to animals unless they are already dead and you intend to eat them. You may want to consider a nice marinade or a dry rub seasoning, but that’s a matter of personal preference. Then you have to weigh the options of using direct or indirect heat, charcoal or gas, or perhaps even trying out that smoker your wife got you for Christmas last year. So in conclusion, the process of cooking meat is a vast and interesting subject with many fascinating methods to choose from.

Wait, what? Oh, the goat.

The flaming goat in question here is known as the Gävle Goat, or Gävlebocken orn desh, born desh, orn desh børk! børk! børk! as it’s called in the native Swedish tongue. The first Gävle Goat was constructed in 1966 as a marketing ploy to attract more customers to the shops and restaurants in the town of Gävle, because nothing is proven to attract customers more than a 42 foot tall straw goat that occupies half the parking lot. The original Gävle Goat, which many consider to be the precursor to the giant inflatable gorilla which sits atop many used car dealerships, did end up being quite successful at drawing more attention to the shopping district. Specifically, it attracted the most attention at midnight on New Year’s Eve when the giant goat went up in flames.

Even though the perpetrators were caught and punished, the story does not end there. The persistent Swedes have managed to burn down the Gävle Goat an astounding 22 times since 1966. Some years the goat survives, others it meets a glorious flaming demise much to the dismay of the goat’s builders. Oh, and did I mention that the Gävle fire department has overseen the construction of the goat over most of its history? You’d think they’d have a better understanding of building something that’s flame resistant.

In recent years measures have been taken to prevent the goat’s untimely destruction, including the use of flame retardant chemicals, webcams, and even stationing guards for protection. The result? Flaming death every year except last year, when the goat escaped with only a singed leg.

So why do those crazy Swedes keep torching the goat? There’s probably not one definitive answer but a combination of factors. One potential factor is darkness. During the month of December much of Sweden recieves about 6 hours of sunlight a day, so that leaves 18 hours of darkness every day for covert activities. I wouldn’t be surprised if Sweden woke up one day and found the entire country covered in graffiti.

Another factor in the goats continued demise is tradition. The torching of the first Gävle Goat set a precedent, so now just as this year’s goat has finished construction, you can be certain there are groups of wily Swedes scheming of ways to bring the goat to it’s crispy demise.  In many ways it's just like your aunt's tradition of giving you a hand knit sweater each Christmas, the one key difference being that you don't set it on fire.  Well, at least not until after she's gone home.

The other factor for the goat’s fiery destruction? Alcohol. Sweden is one of the world’s largest producers of vodka, so do the math: 18 hours of darkness, a steady supply of vodka, and a 42 foot tall straw goat standing in the middle of town looking all high and mighty. Imagine walking through town at night (which starts around 4pm every day) and seeing that giant goat looming over the buildings. Just look at the way he’s staring down all smug, like he’s the king of town. Oo, look at me! I’m the Gävle Goat! A giant symbolic gesture of Christmas! Well let me tell you something goat, you’re not so big. You think you’re (hic!) better than me? Yeah I’m talking to you, giant goat. Do you think you’re better than me? Well I’ll show you (pause for a swig from the bottle), I’ll show everyone!

The Gävle Goat was unveiled on December 2nd and thus far has not met with any implements of fiery destruction. Even though the goat managed to survive last year with just a small burn, I’m figuring this fact will only make the sun depraved, vodka infused, tradition minded Swedes more determined to burn it down. Thankfully the proprietors of the Gävle Goat have posted a live webcam so you can keep tabs on its status.

I give it two weeks.