The Phone Call I've Dreaded For Eight Years

For the past eight years, I've been the Mama to a sweet, wonderful little boy.  Although we haven't been "alone" for the entire eight years, it has always been me and Bay against the world.  This child is so amazing, I KNOW that he was sent to me from above.  He has taught me so much about love and life, and I am so proud of the job that I have, obviously, done with him.  He is sweet and respectful, and would do anything in the world for his Mama.  He was so afraid of my back surgery and the pain that I would feel, he wants to be a doctor when he gets older.  He doesn't hesitate to lie on my back to make it feel better, or even to grab a massager when he can tell I'm hurting!

The thing is...  I have always been able to be selfish with Baylee.  His biological father was, obviously, a real jerk, and I've had the luxury of not having to deal with him for years...  he just hasn't cared enough to call, or to want to see Bay.  I know it sounds selfish, but I'll admit, it's been nice, not having to deal with it.  

 I guess the main thing I've been wanting to avoid "dealing with" is the chance that this man would hurt my son.  I have protected this child since birth.  Everyone laughs and says this child knows he's loved more than any child that ever lived...  I've always "overcompensated" because his father wasn't in his life, so I have made it a point to always let him know what a smart, wonderful child he is.  I didn't want him to ever hurt, or feel bad because his father's a deadbeat.  I wanted to make sure that Baylee would always know for sure that it couldn't, in any way, be his fault, because he's a fantastic child.

Ok, so I've done a good job with instilling his self-esteem, and he definitely knows he's soooo loved.  I've been honest with him about having a "Dad" named Jerry, just in case this day ever did come...  didn't want it to be a big shock or anything.  What I have told him is that God brought me and Jerry together to make Baylee.  Mama and Jerry don't get along, but we both know that we were a part of bringing a wonderful child into this world, and it would be impossible for anyone not to love Baylee.  I've been lucky past that, he hasn't really asked any questions about why he doesn't know his "Dad", etc.

A brief history may help, when it gets to the point about why I don't want this man around.  Jerry and I broke up, and I found out I was pregnant a couple days later.  We kept seeing each other for about three months, but he was really into drugs, so I left, and cut off all contact with him, as I knew I had to do whatever was needed to provide a safe, secure and loving home for my child.  After Bay was born, I did track Jerry down, to let him know and to introduce him to his son.  I left the choice to him, whether he wanted to be in Bay's life or not.  Well, the first time he met Bay, he was calling him his son, etc.  Two days later, he was denying him.  We went through the paternity testing and all that, even though they look like the same person! lol  Jerry came around a couple times, before Bay was two, I would say, and wanted to "play Dad".  It seemed to me at the time that he didn't care about seeing Bay, so much as he wanted to "hook up" with me.  He would be around for a very short time, and then just disappear.   I made a decision that that was not going to happen, and have stuck with it.  It didn't take Jerry long to give up and move on.

Ok, so for six years, I haven't had to deal with it.  I have had limited contact with his parents, who will occasionally call and speak to Baylee, and I send them all his school pictures.  They make plans to see Baylee, but then they cancel at the last moment, without a call or anything...  sounds familiar, eh?  They haven't seen him in two years, although I have offered to let them see him on Spring Break, Summer Break, etc.

Baylee turned eight on November 25.  He was born on Thanksgiving, so Thanksgiving, obviously, reminds us of him.  I guess it reminds them too, for shortly after Thanksgiving, I got an email from Jerry's mother, asking me to call her the following day.  I, immediately, knew from the tone of the email that something wasn't right.  She called me the next morning and sprung it on me.  Jerry wants to see Baylee...  I hear that every night in my nightmares...   Apparently, they had it all planned out, where they would call me, and I would agree to let Baylee spend a day with them for Christmas...  yes, this Christmas...  yes, these people he does not know...  who live close to three hours away!!!

I talked to Jerry's mom for a couple hours, and told her that Baylee does know about Jerry, and my main concern is Bay's well being, both pysically and mentally.  I told her I would allow Jerry to call Baylee, and that I would consider a visit in the city in which I live, supervised by someone Baylee is comfortable with.  I explained to her that I didn't want to send him somewhere and he feel "stuck" with some strange guy, calling himself Dad!

Ok, so she calls Jerry, and it's set up for him to call Bay on a Thursday.  She calls back and we talk, and she asks to talk to Bay.  I let them talk.  After they hung up, he informed me that she told him he was going to be seeing them for Christmas.  I didn't even have time to process this, when the phone rang again.  it was Jerry's new wife...  she was so excited, and promised that Jerry would be calling Bay, etc.  That was about the most uncomfortable hour and a half of my life (that phone call).  By the time I hung up the phone, I was just ready to fall into bed...  shock, exhaustion, terror...  I can't even list all the emotions I was feeling.

Fortunately, the next day was my appointment with the therapist that Bay and I both see.  Bless her heart, this woman is an angel!!! lol  She comes to my house, and she spent two hours with me, going over all this, as I was a MESS!  She, immediately, saw some red flags, and was completely against the idea of Baylee visiting them at this point in time.  For one, they haven't seen him in all this time, and they want me to just let him go with them...  ok, you get the picture.  I was soooo relieved!  It was as if she confirmed that I had a right to be feeling all this fear, and that I was trying to think of Baylee and put his best interest first.  One of my big fears was that I don't ever want to put my selfish feelings for Baylee over what is in his best interest.

Anyway, I sent Jerry's mom an email and explained to her that, at this time, there would be no visitation.  I explained that, in the opinion of Baylee's therapist, we need to start out with phone calls and letters, and let Baylee get comfortable with the idea of knowing this man.   I confirmed that Jerry was supposed to call on Thursday evening, and that Baylee would be expecting his call.

No reply.

No phone call on Thursday, or any day since.

I talked to Bay, and explained it away as best I could.  I feel like I did a pretty good job, just explaining that we are going to take things slowly so that he does not feel uncomforable.  Thank God, he accepted it.

Now, I know I did the right thing...  but I'm so worried about when the next phone call will come.  It's been eight years this time...  will it be another eight?  Will it only be three or four next time?  How can anyone in their right minds put a child through this?????

Parenthood is so difficult at times, but at least this time, I am confident that I did the right thing.  And he's definitely worth it.

Does anyone else relate to this dread???  I would love to hear opinions from both sides of the spectrum on this issue!

Thanks for letting me vent!