Brain Freeze - A Bipolar Depressive Issue

I thought I would share a little bit of what I experience in going through a depressive cycle as a bipolar person. I hope, by now, that you have read some of my other articles about mental illness. If you haven't, I would encourage you to do so. I'd also appreciate it if you would leave a comment when you are finished reading.

I have learned through reading and getting to know several people in various online support groups that people who suffer different mental illnesses have similarities in their symptoms, but also manifest their symptoms in individualistic ways. We are enough alike that we can share and empathize with each other. But we are also experience differences from each other's symptoms at the same time.

I've noticed that my depressive cycles are more seasonal than they used to be. I can pretty much count on a depressive episode in September or October. Then I may have another depressive cycle in December. Some of the holiday seasonal depression is probably circumstantial. I lost a grandmother on Christmas Day when I was little. When I was a young adult, my brother was diagnosed with Leukemia around Christmas time. My dad nearly died of asphyxiation just a couple years ago on Christmas Day just moments before we visited him in the hospital. So perhaps this time of year doesn't count for me in the bipolar sense.

From January through March I may have one long depressive episode or several small ones in a row with a break of a few days in between. Sometimes I'm fortunate then to have a break for several months in the spring and summer, depending on how sunny/rainy it may be.  I mentioned this pattern to my doctor once who suggested that I may have SAD (Seasonal Affect Disorder) on top of the Bipolar. That's not unusual for people with a mental illness to have an adjunct disorder. My symptoms are usually much more difficult to live with in the winter months.

Even with this pattern, symptoms vary in degree and type from episode to episode. Not all depressive episodes cause me to "feel depressed." That is, I don't always feel sad or weepy during some of my more depressed moments. For example, I have just come out of an episode this past week where I experienced what I term "brain freeze." Not only was I extremely tired and wanted to sleep all the time, but when I was awake, I couldn't think straight. I found that I had more trouble reasoning rationally. My memory was foggy. I couldn't think up anything original and found it even difficult to carry on a conversation with members of my family. Fortunately for all of us, my immediate family is used to this. They'll talk to me, but they also know they won't get much of a response. Instead of feeling sad, I felt frozen all over with no feelings at all. In addition, my vision is sometimes more blurry. I have more aches and pains in unspecific places all over my body. More joint pain, headaches, neck cramps, back cramps, and so on.

Not all my episodes are like this. Sometimes I experience the classic "cry at the drop of a hat" feelings of sadness and pessimistic outlook. I will definitely feel overwhelmed at events that I can usually handle with ease. When the feelings of sadness get overwhelming, I will either just go to bed and have a good cry, watch something on TV that will help me have a good cry, or pick up a favorite book and read that, and have a good cry. Or sleep...(and have a good cry before dropping off).

Regardless if I suffer from brain freeze, or have anxiety attacks, or feel down and sad, one common element of depressive episodes from bipolar disorder is that the world shrinks until I am the only one in it. I would have to say that from my viewpoint during an episode just about everything affects me, involves me, centers around me, and is about ME. I hate that part of the bipolar. I have always been taught that a "good person" is not selfish. Interestingly enough, I was taught that by my bipolar mother who also experienced this self-centered world when she went into depressive or manic episodes. How ironic. Of course, she didn't realize it, our family really didn't catch on to that during our growing up years, and even I didn't pick up on the patterns until many many years later when I was diagnosed with bipolar myself. Hindsight really is 20/20. 

This is one of the reasons why it is necessary for all of us not to judge a person's mental and physical health status by their personal appearance alone. On the outside and on a good day, I look as normal as anyone else and perfectly capable of holding down a decent job or career. I am a former educator after all. However, as I get older holding steady work is no longer possible.

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Only read if you are interested - A little bit more about me as a person

This type of thing is one of the reasons I am going to have to seek out disability benefits. I have come to admit that it is getting harder for me to sustain activity over the period of a year--and then, year after year. That one flaw not only affects my employability but also any kind of ministry where I may be involved week after week for months at a time. At one point I used to direct a children's choir. I helped plan the programs, taught the music, lead the singing, and even played the accompaniment. But as the years moved on, I could not attend regularly enough to be counted on. I used to be able to shoulder several activities a week effectively, including several volunteer projects. No more.

Please don't get me wrong. I do try to contribute to the family finances. I have worked in many capacities over the years, but my bipolar keeps interfering. Most people have a hard time dealing with my three basic personalities (manic, normal, depressive). The longest I've ever held a job was 4 years. And that was before I was diagnosed with bipolar. We didn't know why I got so tired in the winter, so they assumed it was teacher burn-out. That was their reason for letting me go, anyway. That was way back in the '80's.

I did manage to teach my two children by homeschooling them from preschool through high school. It was good fortune that I received training as a Special Education teacher, since they both had special problems that would have placed them in "the system" had they gone on to public school.

While I was doing that, I wrote articles for a monthly homeschooling newsletter circulated among the homeschool group in our area. I taught a few co-op classes to homeschoolers over the years. One class was in Michigan history. Another was in Literature, and still another in beginning Spanish. I researched and lead all the local field trips for our group for about a decade. I tutored students and taught a few piano lessons (when I could find the time).

When my two were old enough for me to take them with me, we did some mystery shopping and merchandising jobs. We have lots of great memories doing these jobs together. And they learned great observational skill as my assistants.

For a period of about 3 years, while my daughter was doing high school level classes,  I had an online writing job. I loved it. I wrote devotional booklets for an organization in Georgia. But eventually my "winter blues" kept preventing me from meeting deadlines. They eventually had to let me go. That was in 2004. Even now I'm not totally without employment. I still have one merchandising job, a route of 14 Dollar General stores where I represent TracFone--a vender. But that is only 3 days a month. We do not have the gas for me to do more jobs than that at this time.

I earn as much as I'm able doing surveys and product evaluations from time to time. Most days I have an average of 15-20 surveys to take, or discussions to get involved in. I have hopes that being on Gather will help out in that way too eventually.

Besides having bipolar and going through major depressive episodes every few months, I have Congestive Heart Failure (hospitalized in 2002 3 times with breathing problems), anemia, diabetes, high blood pressure, menopause, allergies that trigger my asthma, GERD, sleep apnea, and am at high risk for DVT's (had one already, but can't afford the medicine) and numerous other embarrassing ailments I won't mention. Even with our insurance co-pays there is not enough left over of my husband's paycheck to buy my meds, so I'm on samples for some of the worst problems. Not the bipolar, unfortunately. As a result, I've been experiencing waves of anxiety like I've never felt before.

Recently, another company bought out the company my husband works for. They are making us pay for our health insurance now and cutting back hours drastically. His income can no longer pay all the basic bills. We don't have any credit card debt. We are just on the edge of having our vehicle being repossessed. We live in an old rental house that's not good for heating. So we face shut-off notices all the time. We may lose our internet connection this month yet. And family on both sides doesn’t help.

Fortunately, we have just qualified for Food assistance. But it's only $89/mo. That feeds four grown people (son and daughter are college kids living at home) one week. These are all the reasons why I will have to apply for disability, and am starting to collect the needed documents. I'm not looking forward to the lengthy process.

I hope this doesn't sound like whining. I come here to Gather and see people who are in much worse circumstances than we are and so I'm truly grateful that things aren't as bad as they could be.