I am writing this article more for my benefit. I don't expect any of you to really be able to help me, but your comments and kind words are still welcome. I am hopeing that maybe as I write this maybe it will help me deal a little, then maybe I can get myself to do what I need to do before it's too late and I've lost my opportunity to talk to my mother again.
My mother is fighting cancer right now and has been for a long time. She started really losing the battle back in Sept. or Oct. Now that it is Dec. we fear she may not make it to the new year. I am aware and I know how bad it is, but yet for some reason I still can't get myself to thinking like shes sick. I am still acting as if everything is fine. I am in some sort of denial, but it's not denial becouse I know it's bad. I have only cried 2 to 3 times. This I find odd becouse I have always had a great relationship with my mother. She has always been there for me. I would spend a lot of time at her apartment when she lived in the same ones as me. We would sit in the swing and just talk for hours on end. My husband would even get a little upset with me becouse I would sit out there so long even when he was home. I so despertly need to talk to her before she goes, becouse I havn't even had a long meaningful conversation with her in a long time. I pep talk myself to do it and once I get to the house I just don't do it. I see her sitting there and looking so different than the mother I talked to on the swing those days and nights and I can't bring myself to go sit down next to her and talk. I think she notices too and that hurts me. I think she realizes that we haven't talked like we used to in so long and I think she misses that time we spent together. I just really wish I could snap out of this lala land I have put myself into, but evertime I try I can't do it. If I could just talk to her like I used to it might even put her at ease a little, it could possibly take her mind off the pain that I am sure she is enduring.
Hopefully I get things worked out within myself soon. If I did I would feel so much better about what I am going to have to go through soon.
Thanks for letting me gets this all out, I think that this may have helped me quite a bit to write it out.
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Comments: 27
I cannot even begin to imagine what you're going through. I hope you find it within yourself to go talk to your mom. I'm sorry for what you are going through.
But also remember, this is an age of medical miracles.....she might get better.
I am sorry to hear about your mother and she will be in my prayers. It's hard to watch our loved ones when they are ill and knowing that we could lose them at any time. I had a hard time when I lost my father, he meant so much to me and we were very close although we didn't talk very much the last few months of his life. Please talk to your mom and let he know what you're feeling. My husband has been recently diagnosed with cancer and it's been very hard for us all esp. my little girl, she's only 8. Hugs, Rebekka
Talk to mom NOW. She is the one who is dying here, and I'll bet she needs to talk to you too, more than ever. Don't let YOUR feelings get in the way. You'll regret it, I promise, if you don't let HER talk to you! Death is the greatest mystery of life, don't let her face that alone. Yes, you might be there holding her hand, but your words and your ear are what she needs.
I work with dying people every day, with hospice people, and I have found that people with religious faith have a much easier time with death than those who have no faith. I don't know what your affiliations are, or your mother's, but I will pray for you both... that you'll gather the strength to do what you have to do - TALK TO HER!
I went through something very similar not too long ago, as my mother, who was diagnosed with ALS five years ago, died this summer after she decided that she wanted her ventilator shot off.
I too kept putting off the conversations as I knew that both my mother and I would end up in tears. As we got closer to the end, it seemed that it was always my mom he began the conversations, and I am so happy she did.
Now that she is gone, I am still dealing with the "Everything is fine thing", and I am now putting off all of the emails and conversations with my friends and family back in Denmark, because they are just so tough.
I am not fine, but I guess the fine thing is a way of coping too. Sometimes, like last night, the tears just start flowing when the entire house is silent and there are noone to see. I am sure that my husband knows that the tears flow once in a while, but he lets me be, and I am glad he does.
Trista, next time you see your mother just give her a big hug and sit down next to her. She needs it, and I know you need it too. My mother couldn't talk, and she couldn't move, but she could write with her computer, and this was how we communicated. A hug said so many things though, and I am so happy that I was able to put away my barrier against the bad once in a while and just embrace my mother for who she was despite the disguise of the disease.
Trista, again I am so sorry to hear what you, your mother and your family is going through. I know you are trying to be strong for your mother and everyone else, but don't forget about yourself.
After so many years of my mother's disease taking over our lifes, my brothers my father and myself are trying to find ourself without the disease. I wish I could say something that will make everything better, but I know I can't. I just hope that you and your mom will be able to find peace together and enjoy the time you have together to the fullest.
Thanks for commenting on my stuff, too.
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My sister and I talk a lot but not so much about what will happen when her cancer gets worse than it is. The best thing that has happened to us is having a good discussion with her oncologist. We asked him how long she has. He won't say because he doesn't honestly know. On Wednesday we had another frank discussion with him and he told us that her cancer will not be cured but he has hopes of controlling it for as long as possible. She's on aggressive chemo now and will probably be on it for the rest of her life, this to just control the tumor growth and activity.
He looked at her recent PET Scan taken two weeks ago and told us that the tumors are much smaller and there is no activity and we should feel good about that news. He was very honest with us but was being a bit positive, not that the cancer will be cured but because he thinks he might be able to control it.
Maybe the two of you can have an honest talk with her oncologist and ask him exactly what is going on. Sometimes finding things out will make you both feel better and at least know of what might happen and when.
My sister and I have been talking a lot more since we spoke with her oncologist and we do feel better about things. We know her cancer will never go away but we see that her doctor is thinking of other ways to prolong her life.
I hope all goes well with the two of you. I know how hard the situation is.
I am so sorry that you are also going through a hard time Sharon. I hope that we all get through these hard times.
My only advice is to be present with her. Just be with her. even if the words are not coming, being there is a good thing. Words are a funny thing... soametimes they cannot describe what we thing and what we feel, but our presence says so much.
I wish all of you peace as you deal with this and as you continue to try to be there for each other no matter how imperfect it may be.
Thank you each for your kind words and your thoughtfulness.
Trista - I'm struggling too. I wanted to crawl up with her so bad this weekend but every time I thought about it someone else was always around. I don't know how to get to the point of just sitting there with her but I need to. I want to talk to her so bad but the words never come. I just smile at her and ask what she needs. I hate not knowing what to do. I'm glad you wrote about it. That always helps me.
I love you bunches.
you both need her... please go to her ... God Bless your family...