I am writing this article more for my benefit. I don't expect any of you to really be able to help me, but your comments and kind words are still welcome. I am hopeing that maybe as I write this maybe it will help me deal a little, then maybe I can get myself to do what I need to do before it's too late and I've lost my opportunity to talk to my mother again.
My mother is fighting cancer right now and has been for a long time. She started really losing the battle back in Sept. or Oct. Now that it is Dec. we fear she may not make it to the new year. I am aware and I know how bad it is, but yet for some reason I still can't get myself to thinking like shes sick. I am still acting as if everything is fine. I am in some sort of denial, but it's not denial becouse I know it's bad. I have only cried 2 to 3 times. This I find odd becouse I have always had a great relationship with my mother. She has always been there for me. I would spend a lot of time at her apartment when she lived in the same ones as me. We would sit in the swing and just talk for hours on end. My husband would even get a little upset with me becouse I would sit out there so long even when he was home. I so despertly need to talk to her before she goes, becouse I havn't even had a long meaningful conversation with her in a long time. I pep talk myself to do it and once I get to the house I just don't do it. I see her sitting there and looking so different than the mother I talked to on the swing those days and nights and I can't bring myself to go sit down next to her and talk. I think she notices too and that hurts me. I think she realizes that we haven't talked like we used to in so long and I think she misses that time we spent together. I just really wish I could snap out of this lala land I have put myself into, but evertime I try I can't do it. If I could just talk to her like I used to it might even put her at ease a little, it could possibly take her mind off the pain that I am sure she is enduring.
Hopefully I get things worked out within myself soon. If I did I would feel so much better about what I am going to have to go through soon.
Thanks for letting me gets this all out, I think that this may have helped me quite a bit to write it out.