It Takes What It Takes

I have decided that today my life really sucks.  Well, that isn't entirely true, it is more that there are some pretty not-great things going on at the moment.  My boyfriend ( I know how immature a word that is, but what else would I call him?) got called in to see his probation officer today, had to do some kind of drug test that shows if alcohol has been used in the last five days; it HAS, he has been spiraling more and more out of control over the weeks, and there is no way he will be able to pass this test.  Not by any stretc of the imagination.  So now we wait about a week for the results to come back, at which point he will have another meeting with his probation officer and the consequences will begin.  I am not sure, at this point, what we are looking at; this will be his third probation violation, and the last time he went to court, the judge was pretty upset.  He may actually have to spend time in prison over this one.  See, he has had three DUI's, the last being a felony, so it isn't as if this is some isolated incident.  He is an alcoholic, plain and simple; worse, he has chosen to eschew all of the help available to people in recovery, and is now having to deal with the consequences.

I knew this was coming; not because I am some omniscient person with powers of premonition, but because I am a recovering alcoholic; I know well how this disease works, know that there isn't any stopping it without hard work and dedication.  So even though I am sad and heartbroken and sick on his behalf, I am also not surprised.  I am angry, to an extent, but still in a place of processing, so I am not nearly as angry as I WILL be.  I have been wavering about leaving him for the past few months, and just recently decided that if we could make it through the holidays (because of our son together and my 8 year old; the older two will be at their dad's, so it has less an impact on them this year), then I could call it quits.  I know, I know, stupid reason to hang on, right?  But it isn't, which you have no way of knowing unless you are in this position. Now, though, I don't know.

I do know that I can't fix him.  Not only is it not my job, but I certainly don't WANT that responsibility.  What I am struggling with at the moment is being a support person for him while not absolving him of any responsibility.  I am struggling with the fact that his parents and family members are going to sweep in and take care of him, unwilling to admit that it just makes it that much easier for him to continue to drink.  They are not capable of making him deal with his own consequences, and that is what he NEEDS to do.  It is so frustrating, and also very sad. Selfishly, I am aware that Owen and I and my other kids will suffer for this as well, and that pisses me off.  If I stand up for myself and my need to distance myself from him, I will be seen as being unsupportive and abandoning him in his time of need.  And I don't care so much for myself, but I care so, so deeply for my kids.  Not just Owen, but my other three as well, who have come to view these people as their extended family.  So-I am in a not-so-great place today, and just needed to use this as a place to process.

On a happier note, in the same vein, I just celbrated 8 years sober on the 24th of this month.  And that is part of what frustrates me about him, because if I can do it (sometime I will expound upon my drinking career, LOL, just not toda), he sure as heel can.  the thing is, I want it.  I need it.  And he doesn't want to stop yet.  I hope this will be him bottom, but at the same time...it takes what it takes, right?