the car accident and resulting poems, part 4

I put on a brave face for the world and told them I was doing ok and handling everything fine on my own. I lied. I was angry at God and myself and feeling very guilty for what had happened. It was only a matter of time before I had to find a way to cope. In April, 2004, I cut for the first time. It seemed to help (if only for a short time). I didn't feel any pain until afterwards. I had never heard of people cutting before, and after I did it, I thought I must be a freak. I didn't even use a knife or glass or anything, I used a safety pin and scratched a small "t" into my left wrist (it was more like a cut, i guess, because it left a scar). After a day or two, I told the guy I was dating what had happened. He suggested I go to our pastor. Since I was already in town, I called my mom and told her that I needed to talk to the pastor. She agreed and I told her not to worry, she would know what it was about soon. Well, I think the biggest mistake I made was going to that pastor. He told me it was merely a phase. He said that it was a form of catharsis and I would just get over it. Ha! Well, I told him that I wasn't comfortable going to my parents alone and asked if he would go with me. He said that he would call my dad and set up a time to come out to the house. He never showed up. He got "too busy" and called my dad. He did not respect the fact that I wanted to tell them myself with him there. He told my dad what had happened. So my dad called me outside onto the porch and told me he knew. I showed him the cut, and he asked if it was ok to tell mom. I said yes, so he called her out and told her and I showed it to her. Did they get me therapy for this? No! Did they even arrange for me to talk to the pastor or an elder in the church about my feelings? No! Nobody did anything! So, I continued to cut and didn't bother to tell anyone. Eventually, I told my closest friends and found out that I wasn't alone. (At least 3 girls that I know had also been cutting and a guy had been using other forms of self-harm, though they had different reasons) I was different though. I wanted to stop. So, I went to the library and checked out some self-help books on cutting and self-harm. As I read them, I began to understand why I was cutting. Even though everyone cuts for different reasons, there are a few main reasons. Some cut to punish themselves, some cut to let the "evil" or the "bad thoughts" out, some cut because the pain inside is so great they feel that physical pain will release some of it, and some people started cutting for one reason or another but then become addicted to it. Personally, I was cutting for various reasons. Sometimes I cut because I thought I deserved punishment,  sometimes it was just to see my own blood so that I could feel alive, and other times, I was in so much emotional pain I had to let it out. Soon, I began to feel the addictive properties taking hold and I was cutting for little or no reason. With the help of the books, I managed to get it under control for the most part. There were still times (especially if I was alone) that the temptation would be too much and I would give in. I continued to cut occasionally until shortly after I found out I was pregnant (in July, 2006). I decided that my daughter meant more to me than my cutting. A couple months after she was born, I think I had some mild post-partum depression and I cut once. It felt good in a way, but I felt like such a horrible mother for doing such a thing that I've not done it since. They say "once a cutter, always a cutter" and sometimes I fear that "they" are right. But I haven't given up the fight, and someday, I hope I can honestly say that I will never cut again. 

Here are a couple of poems I posted previously, maybe you can understand them better now.

4/19/2005

No title

You saw the walls protecting everything inside me,

Carefully, lovingly, you broke them down, you see,

Now everyone thinks that I’m okay once more,

They were tired of my pain, I became a bore,

New walls are in place to hide the deep, ever-present pain,

I don't think I can talk about it; I just want peace again,

The smile on my face is real enough to deceive everyone,

My heart is full of pain; my life became totally undone,

Are you all fools who think it has really been repaired?

I must have really been a fool to think that you cared,

Now the truth is clear, yet I continue to smile,

Alone I suffer; I am still dying all the while,

I’ve cried out so many times before, as I cry out now,

People hear me at first, but they become deaf somehow,

Is there anything that anyone can do, I wonder?

As I try to figure it out I think and I ponder,

Maybe it is as hopeless as I thought it would be,

The hope people gave me now seems to be so empty,

If this is all there is to life, I want no part of it,

Just leave me alone, I don't want life, let me end it.

4/19/2005

No title

The prisoner waits inside, longing to be free,

Does anyone dare to look for this missing key?

The key lies in plain sight for anyone to see,

Continually being overlooked, people are too busy,

Some people look, getting sidetracked too quickly,

Others stare, thinking "it's too easy, it can't be"

Meanwhile, the prisoner gets stronger every day,

Tension mounts as the prisoner searches for a way,

A way to escape, it would be better to be released,

But when no one is looking, fragile hope is crushed,

Soon the prisoner will be free, searching for revenge,

The door will be unlocked or else torn from the hinge,

The key is time; the prisoner is painful memories,

There’s still a chance of freedom, yet nobody sees.

4/20/2005

“Shadow”

I close my eyes, breathing just isn't easy,

Anger combined with pain surges through me,

Teeth clamped shut, hands clenched tight,

Just trying to make it through the night,

I scream into the pillow and punch the headboard,

Pleading, begging, won't you please save me Lord?

Sweating and shivering, a war rages inside,

I remember the times I’ve failed but tried,

Resisting the temptation to swallow the pills,

Cutting my wrists are my newly acquired skills,

I’m suffocating, suffering, dying, but still trying,

Rocking back and forth, I sit here so alone, crying,

I know people love me; I know that they care,

This burden is one that I just can not share,

Someday (maybe soon) it'll probably kill me,

But until then I’m here, a shadow of nobody

4/20/05

NO TITLE 

the tears on my cheek are not from physical pain,

the blood starts to run down my arm from my vein,

life seeps out as i start to go numb inside and out,

i become deaf, i can't even hear you when you shout,

calling to me, begging me not to take my own life,

i turn my empty eyes away as i pull out the knife,

only a shell of the girl that i used to be,

oh, what i wouldn't give to be so carefree,

but that was the past, and there is no going back,

i'm pressing on, trying to stay on the right track,

but the pain is too intense, i'm getting so confused,

both my heart and soul have been crushed and bruised,

i cry out, but nobody can hear me through the pillow,

my death will be relief, even if it is a little slow,

the pain will be worth it if i don't have to suffer anymore,

staying alive should be a privilege, not a burdensome chore,

wailing and groans escape from deep inside my chest,

as i wait for the moment when i'm eternally at rest,

just let me go, don't hold me close causing me to remain,

i just want to die so i can get rid of the haunting pain,

Now, my sister is a junior in high-school and has a job at Dillons. I am married and have a 9 month old daughter. We live about 30 minutes apart, so we don't see each other as often as I'd like. However, she works in the town I live in so I get to see her at work sometimes. We get along fine, but we're not close like we used to be. We still talk and go shopping together, but something.. is missing. In many ways, it feels like my sister died in that accident. It has been a long journey, but I'm starting to let go of who she was. It's hard, because I feel like I am betraying her if I let go of the memories. I'm afraid I'll forget her. But, no matter who she is inside, I will ALWAYS love her because she is my sister.