My Wife Sent Me Shopping For Mouse Traps

My wife does not like shopping with me because she says it takes too long. I agree because I'm rarely in a hurry and I always look for not good but spectacular bargains. I walk slowly down the aisles, read labels and quite often end up helping people (mostly older women, or some one with a disability) get items off off a high shelf. Sometimes it is funny (to me). A couple of weeks ago there was this little old lady (maybe 5 foot tall) who was standing in front of the soup cans looking up with a look of frustration. I walked up to her and asked her if I could help. She wanted the low salt soup out of her reach on a top shelf. I told her I would get it and asked her what type she wanted. I got the soup and told her there were only two cans left. I said, 'Do you want to know what other types of soup they have?' and of course she did. I told her every type (about 10). No that's not funny. She told me she wanted this flavor and then another flavor and then decided she didn't want one flavor and handed back the can I previously had handed to her. It took about ten minutes of her taking soups and handings soups back to me until she was satisfied. She smiled at me and said, 'I only wanted five cans, but you gave me so many choices I was confused.' I had to hold myself from bursting out laughing. I felt like I had just met the female version of Tim Conway.

I like going to supermarkets the most. Sometimes there are free samples of food. The supermarkets have all types of neat stuff. My eye is always looking for bargains and I usually bring my coupons. I know what unit pricing is and also know that some store brands and off brands are identical to the major brands. I know most stores stock the newer items in the back, so I'm constantly looking at dates to get the freshest item. I talk to people who like to talk. Now this might sound strange to some of you, but the supermarket is a very relaxing place for me. It's also a place to see some of strangest characters on this planet. I've seen both men and women in their pajamas, women with curlers in their hair, people dressed like fashion models, women wearing halter tops (my favorite for the eye candy section), a few women wearing eye sore tight fitting clothes and the drunks (usually men). One dude who could hardly walk was in the bread section and said to me, 'This isn't the beer. Do you see any beer?' I told him no and moved away. The only thing that gets me irked are the women who are obviously more interested in me than the packages of bologna. I actually had one lady ram her cart into mine, not once, but three times during one trip. I'm what you call married married and find such come ons a total turn off.

Well, yesterday evening my wife wanted me to go to Walmarts to buy some mouse traps. I said sure and looked through their ads. I told my wife what was on sale and grabbed my coupon book. I could see the look of horror in her eyes as she said, 'Don't buy too much.' I understand her fear. Last year there was a great sale of 50% off on cans of tuna fish. I just happened to have 8 coupons for this brand, but there was a ten can purchase limit. I went in and bought ten cans, went to my car and went back in and bought ten more cans, then went to my car and went back in and bought ten more cans. I ended up with 30 cans and the price for each was 36 cents (normal price was 98 cents). They had alfredo sauce on sale for $1 a bottle. It normally sells for $2.99 a bottle. I bought 48. My wife told me I was crazy. I did not argue. Well, I'm in Walmarts and I had a conversation with a saleslady about mice. She told me one had gotten on her kitchen table and was nibbling on her chocolate bar. I asked her if this happens often and she just laughed. She knew I was joking. I went and got the mouse traps. I had a ton of dog food coupons and bought enough dog food to get us to next Spring. Cans of vegetables were on sale half price. I only bought 20 cans. I bought a bunch of other stuff that was cheap and wheeled my fully loaded cart into the lane. I was second in line. As I was standing there, this huge Black dude with a friend came behind me with his cart. I heard him talking. He said, 'Look at all that guy has. We'll be here forever.' I turned around and said, 'You're right.' His jaw dropped and I think I startled him. I then said, 'You only have a few items, please go before me.' He was quite happy and started telling me his wife had told him to buy this movie he took from his cart. He thanked me before he left. I started chatting about dogs to the cashier while she was ringing up my items. She has two German Shephards. I had nine bags filled with groceries and other items. My bill was $60.81. When I got home, my wife just looked at me and shook her head. It was her fault. She should have known better than to send me to buy mouse traps.