Pain from the past finally being released

I am sorry for what you're going through. I hope things get better for you, Denise.

It is better to isolate than to be tied to a family that enables him to stay within alcoholism.Go to AA meetings. They are the lifeline that rides the speedbumps with you. As long as you two have each other, you can make it. ONE DAY AT A TIME!
YOU CAN DO THIS! Get a sponsor so you are not alone.

Sorry to hear you are having a sad time. At least you are together for the holiday. Celebrate it together and the heck with the so-called family that hurts him. I have found that sometimes it's just best to let a relationship go when you've put into it time and again with no or negative response. I know it's hard! I agree with Cindy, though, that AA sounds like the way to go towards recovery. Maybe counseling too.

It is difficult to live with an alcoholic even as much as you love. Go to the family meetings of AA for yourself, and encourage him to make his own meetings. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. AA will help him work through his childhood in the process of his recovery, and will help you to live fully yourself, and within your husbands trials. You will learn what helps and doesn't help, and receive support from others who understand. The holidays are especially hard, and a great time to get started.

AA is the best route to go, even if he won't go to there, you go to the family support meeting, to find one:

http://www.al-anonfamilygroups.org/meetings/meeting.html

I grew up in an alcoholic household and it was amazing to me how many of us there are and how we have some of the same problems as adults. It is hard on the alcoholic and the family.

It is hard sometimes to realize that we have to let go of our childhoods. We can't go back and it can't be fixed. It is what it is when it comes to his Mother. All my life I have expected people to change...they rarely do. All we can change is ourselves.

People who are alcoholics are in a downward spiral and are hurting. They need to deal with their pain and learn how to cope without resorting to drinking. I am drawn to drink when times are poor. When money is low it is hard to resist, but I focus on not doing to my family what was done to me and that seems to work for me.

It is good that you can see that he isn't doing this to hurt you. You sound like you love him a whole lot and with help, you will both get through this. As long as he wants to change and find his way out of the pit he is in, he will find a way. AA will provide a sponsor who talk to him to help him through those times he wants to drink. Going to meetings will help him as he will see he is not alone. One lady I knew had no way to get to AA meetings so I took her. She had lost her daughter as she caught her stealing and tried to throw her out a second floor window while drunk. It was a special day on her 1 year anniversary of sobriety and she did get her daughter back. It was a miracle to see the difference in her and in her life. Your husband can do it and he can meet people who did fight the bottle and won at AA.

Good luck to you and I am sorry to hear you are having these issues. Know that on Gather you are very cared about. Keep us posted.

This sounds rough. It is difficult when you want something from a parent they can't give you. I honestly believe your husband needs some therapy--group, individual, whichever he is most comfortable with. Happy Thanksgiving.

From what you said I think you DH has hit the "bottom" that every alcoholic must hit before seeking help for themselves. Without that trying to help them is useless. It is an individual thing and the decision is only theirs. No matter how much you love him you can't help him untill he really and truly wants the help.

What his mother did may just be the best thing she ever did for him. It might turn the tide to his recovery.

It hurts now and I'm sorry. It will be tough for a while but help is there for you when you need it. Some people need the crutch of religion that AA offers, some don't. Regardless it takes self determination. You'll make it. Cudos for your loyalty.

Oh sweetheart! I am so sorry that you are both going through this!

I am an alcoholic and had a troubled upbringing of my own, so I can relate. I did stop drinking over a year ago and while it has been fairly tough, I am much better off.

I have also made the decision of cutting my dad out of my life for my sanity. The only time that I really have wanted a drink in the past year is when I have dealt with him. In fact, just the other night I listened to all of the voice mail messages that he has left for me the past month. I only listened to the first sentence of two of the 16 plus messages, but when I was done, the lasting effect was scary. Not only did I want to drink, but I was shaking, fidgety, upset, and couldn't sleep.

Once I calmed down, I knew that I was doing the right thing, by not talking to him, but that is such a hard decision to make. I feel so guilty, but that is not as painful as dealing with him all of the time.

I wasn't working when I tried to quit. It made it tougher in some ways because you already feel like your aren't doing your job of supporting your family, and then the withdrawals make you just want to crawl into a hole with a bottle even more.

I have done it before with AA for 6 years. This time I have done it without and it seems to work for me. AA is a great way to get started if he wants to quit. It sounds like he could use some therapy too, but that would probably be out of the question right now due to the expense.

Sorry, I am rambling, the family aspect just got me going:) My heart goes out to both of you.

Happy Thanksgiving:) We are spending it sans extended family too, but at least there will be less drama!

I am sorry to hear about all this. I will keep you all in my prayers. Families can be so cruel sometimes. Just remember, we are here for you and will be your family!

I hope things get better for you.

Dear Denise, I join the others here who are sorry to hear about your difficult times and hope that things look up for you soon. I'd suggest that your husband has to make his own decision about his drinking. You seem to be doing the best you could do, supporting him in a way that is not enabling, but it really is up to him.

You might want to look at a group like Al Anon, which is for people who have alcoholics in their lives and need support and suggestions. You have to make sure that you, as the supportive person, are getting the support that you need. Otherwise you can't be there for your husband.

I'd also say that I know AA is great and has worked for millions of people, but it does not work for everyone. There are different paths to getting better and your husband will have to find his own way.

Al Anon may not be right for you either but I think it's worth a try. If not, there are other kinds of places and groups where you might find the support you need.

If you ever train to be an EMT or paramedic, one thing they will tell you - the first person you need to take care of is you. Otherwise you won't be able to help others.

Denise, I know it doesn't help but a lot of us here are in hard times. Hubby's been out of work for a while. Just hang on, know that you're not alone and that this, too, shall pass.

I would encourage you to discuss with your husband the possibility of looking at local rehab programs. Alcoholism is an evil disease and I think it's very difficult to beat without the help of professionals. Many providers are nonprofit and operate on a sliding scale. Also, consider attending Al-Anon. It has been a big help to many. E-mail me if I can help.

And the fact that your husband is willing to open up is a terrific sign. Have the best Thanksgiving possible!

Denise, I would do whatever it takes, even if it is forgoing his family, for him to get better. and you are! Amen! He may have hit bottom. this may be his time to ask for help. I noticed someone else said that too.

God Bless You!

Denise, I know it is hard to be home alone for the holiday. Many of us do that. I am so glad that your husband may have hit the end of drink. I suggest yopu and he get help.

I am an adult child and wife of recovering alcholics. My parents have found the AA program has help them alot. When my parents 1st sobered up Al-non was there for me.

It is so glad that your husband is letting go of his feeling.

It is true, that they do have to hit rock bottom, before they change. I was married to one. I knew that deep inside of him, he was a good person. I just couldn't keep going through the emotional roller coaster that he was putting me through. We divorced. He started going to AA meetings , not right away and not because we divorced. At that time he met had a woman sponsor, I think they helped each other through the 12 steps of sobriety. He has been sober for about 18 years now. They got married, we are friends and he has helped out so much through the years, with the daughter that we had together. He is a great person, not like the alcoholic that I was married to. That's all I ever wanted was for him to be happy and now he is.

I hope things get bettr for both you and your husband Denise

hi Denise... i'm praying for you and hubby... please get into a program that will help you both... i've seen many alcoholics come out of their horrible situation...
with your loyalty and love and AA... i'm sure you will both be happier...
God bless you both...

Honey, so sorry for all your troubles. May God bless you and the family and give you comfort.

I hope things get better for you and your family.

I am sorry to hear that you are going through rough times, and I hope things will get better soon.

Denise - feel free to talk about things and at least we can listen - I know many women in this same position and sometimes it's hard to change but don't give up hope and pray - pray - pray. Many hugs sent your way. Salud.

God Bless you my dear,,,all has been said ,,,I won't repeat it,,, the strength of prayer is coming to you,,, know that you are not alone,,,

Thats really sad Denise and I hope things get better for you soon! His first step is acknoledging their is a problem and It soudns like he knows that and wants to change! I have never been addicted to alcohol but I have been addicted to cigarettes before and I know its the hardest thing ever to stop an adiiction even if you want to! I wish you all the best of luck!

Living with an alcoholic is hard.

So sad. I hope he can get help or will quit. You are a strong person to live with this.

trust you will both get help to get through this !

I'm sorry

I hope things are going better for you.

Cindy has a great point with AA. Sound like he could use a support group. If he wants to feel wanted, he'll experience that at the meetings.
Best wishes.
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