Vampires Late, Blind Date, Horse Escapes, Headache.

I’ve been friends with Bob and Terry forever, but they’re the kind of friends I don’t hang out with very often. When they called me yesterday afternoon and invited me to eat with them in Valdosta I thought I ought to go. There was this one small nagging doubt that told me to stay home and write, but I get that feeling every day before I go to work, too.


It was an ambush, pure and simple, and both of them knew better, because everyone knows I hate this sort of thing. When I got to the little pub where we were meeting, they had a woman with them. Sigh. Another set up. Here, meet another single person of the opposite gender so you two can get together and be as unhappy as everyone else who equates having someone with being happy.


Sorry, it didn’t go well. Is that bleeding through already?


The woman talked excessively. The woman talked incessantly. The woman started talking when I sat down and she didn’t take a breath except to drink and eat. It was as if someone had unscrewed the part of her brain that triggers speech and left it wide open, like a fire hydrant. Like a waterfall. Like a carbon dioxide hurricane that had reach a new height in strength and longevity. Worse, if things could have gotten worse, she was boring. She spoke at great length as to update me on who was who on some reality television show. I don’t watch reality television shows because they bore the hell out of me, ha ha, much like the Talker. So I started messing with her mind.


“ And then, “ she said. As an aside, let me point out that if you use the two words “and then” more than seventy five times in one night, there is very likely someone within hearing distance of you who wants to get up and choke the living hell out of you.


“ And then they had this big fight at the counsel meeting and then the one person you wouldn’t think got kicked out and then you would never guess what happened next..”


“They kicked a field goal in the last seconds and a peacock gave birth to a blue armadillo.” I interjected quickly.


“What?” Talker paused for a second. Terry kicked me under the table.


“That was my guess at what happened next. Did I get it right?” I replied. “But it didn’t have to be blue, did it?”


“What?” This derailed her train of thought but she had a multitasking mind. The mention of the color blue kicked off what color she wanted to paint her bathroom.


Several minutes and a beer later…….


“ And then I want to make sure my crown molding matches what I do in the bathroom…”

“ You want your crown molding to be brown and smell funny?” I dodged another kick under the table.

“Brown? No, no, having you been listening? Blue, blue, like that the color of that ….”

 I don’t know anything about water boarding, but I do know Cheney ought to borrow this chick.

The four of us went to see a movie and they let the talker ride with me there. That was more than enough. As soon as we got to the theater, I pulled out my cell phone and pretended to have a conversation with my neighbor. What? The dogs are out? You can’t get them back in? Wow! Sorry guys, I’ve got to go!

I picked up a six pack on the way home and killed it. In an effort to punish me for lying, the Gods Of Blind Dates released one of my neighbor’s horses at six this morning and I had to give chase. The horse head butted me and knocked me down. I was still wearing sweats and the ground was very, very, cold. I’ll finish the Vampire Story as soon as my head quits hurting.

Take Care,

Mike