Nursing School Chronicles - I know crazy

I haven't posted at all during this mod because.....well I am not very sure why.  I think probably because I was taking it all in and learning what I could.  I felt I had lots to learn and in truth, I was very frightened.

I definitely have to thank a lot of gather folk who backed me up and especially Ina....for without who I might have been more of a nervous wreck.

This is what I have to share and I am not sure how people will feel about it....but it is how I feel.  So I hope you won't be too harsh with me.

I have to say that I really, very, very much enjoyed psych nursing.  Never did I think I would be saying something like that.

First of all, I very much enjoyed our instructor, Ms. H.  One thing she said at the beginning and throughout the course that "self awareness" was key. 

Hmm.  I thought about it.  When I checked myself.....I realized that my "self" was frightened and scared.  Filled with all the things you see in movies, the news, and the hearsay.  Frightened how I would react as a child of an alcoholic family and a very distant and narscisstic biological mother.  In my previous experiences, I would just run or walk away.  Here I could not walk away.  Here I had to stay.  Here I had to help someone help themselves get better.....and I wasn't even sure that I was better.  My own life is in turmoil.  How could I possible help someone else become self aware.

Of all the fears I had, I think my biggest fear was the grave responsibility of it all.  It is easy to feed, clothe, bath, dress wounds, give therapies like breathing treatments.  Not everything is instant payback.....but the grand majority is.  But this Psych nursing....this is someone's heart.  This is someone's soul and this is someone's psyche. 

And I heard this a lot.  Why do you care?  These folks are crazy.  They are burdens on society.  They need to go to jail.  They cannot be cured.

And struggled with that.  I didn't know about that.  But what I felt sure of was that the less that you deal with the problem and the source, the more it would fester.....and that cannot be good for anybody.  Not the patient, not society.  And what I thought more is you have one sick person.  And that sick person has a family.  A mother, a father, a son, a daughter.....you get my point.  And that person, even in being dangerous to themselves, is dangerous to the hearts, souls, and minds of their loved ones.  Even if they never do anything that catches the attention of the news.  I do know how hard it is to maintain sanity when you live in an altered reality.

Huge responsibilities here.

And then.....don't laugh.....I was very afraid of getting hurt.  I am very afraid of unpredictability.

So.....I thought about that.....and we went to the unit.  Ms. H probably doesn't know this, but when they shut the first set of doors.....I thought I was going to pass out cold from anxiety.  What's worse.....and I am sure she knew as it was completely evident.  I looked crazier than the patients.  And when I went home......I was ashamed of myself.  I mean ashamed.  How could I?  Would I walk in any patient's room with my face all crazy?  No.  I wouldn't.....what the heck happened to me there? 

Well it was enough for me to really, really self reflect.  I figured the next time I walked in, I would have a good face on.....even if I had to fake it.  And I never, ever fake it.....but I was in truth having trouble and I believed that if I put on the smile face that who I am would eventually crawl in and make it real for my patient and myself.  And you know what....it did.  And Ms. H was really busy and I am not sure if she knew what was going on with me.....but I hoped that she did notice that by night two....all was well.  All was genuine.  All was true.  I was still afraid, but I was surely capable. 

Mental Health Nursing doesn't get a lot of respect.  It is true.  But I tell you with all sincerity, whoever would say such a thing is either ignorant of what it means to be a mental health nurse or didn't pay attention.  We played a lot of cards and games.  Sounds like fun right?  And I cannot deny that it wasn't, but what a therapeutic tool.  The games and the activities have purpose.  The cues and the conversation are priceless in gathering the information you need to help someone. 

I know my article seems all over the place.....I just must get this all out.

Remember before in my article when I told you about the "seeing someone get better" in regular nursing?  I want to revisit that.  One thing that I imagine can be disconcerting about mental health nursing is not always being able to see someone improving.  It wasn't a crushing fear because even in medical nursing you won't always see resolution, but it happens with enough frequency that you don't get too discouraged.  I had it in my mind that I would not be seeing any improvements anytime soon.  There was such a revolving door for these folks.  I was not completely sure if it was the system or the chronic nature of their mental illness. 

Ms. H must of thought of this.  We had these alternative assignments (groan!).  I surely did not want to go.  Nobody did.  Didn't we have enough stuff on our plate?  Basically without giving too much away, we went to support groups.  What I saw there helped me quite a bit.  I saw people who lived with the monkey on their back....the key words being "lived with".  Some being more successful than others in their effort, but coming together to support one another.  There were success stories!  People can!  Lives were improved!  Crises were averted!  Happy ending were possible.

For me, that was huge.  What it told me was, that if I ever found myself in the field of Psychiatric Nursing, I could make a difference.  I could assist in helping someone save their lives.  I could see bright beginnings and hopeful tommorrows.  It was like anything in nursing.  Less respect from nursing as a whole.....but to me....somethings are more important.  I get big grimaces when I say that I want to be a geriatric nurse.  I would like to do Psych Nursing one day.  Not popular decisions.  But I really feel that they are necessary pieces to someone's health.  Because you can dress them, clothe them, bathe them, feed them, heal them, dress their wounds.....you can do all those things.  But if you don't attend to the person within, the rest might not matter.  And if you don't attend to the person within and how their illness affects their lives.....mentally or physically.....you cannot know how your lack of attention will affect them, their families, and society as a whole.  We have several tragic examples of what happens when the system breaks down. 

So....here it is.....and I know you hear me say it every mod.  I did really enjoy....very, very, very much psych nursing.

I have 2 more classes.  A repeat of Pediatrics and Dimensions.  I have 10 weeks off, I have 10 weeks to go after that.  Then I will be finished and eligible to sit for the boards.

I think in my 10 weeks I have coming to me.  In addition to reorient myself to my family and studying for the NCLEX-RN....I think I may write some articles about how I feel about nursing as a whole, what I have learned, what kind of nurse I want to be.....

And before I close my article....there are some people here that I really want to thank.

Thank you to Barbara N. and Shorty Doowop for going thru this hellacious journey with me and gathering on the way.  I love you both.  Cherry Ames, Student Nurse made good friends in nursing school that lasted her whole life (and thru the whole series).  You guys are my Gwen Jones, Ann Evans, Bertha Larsen, Mai Lee, Josie Franklin, and Vivian Warren.  (Charity "Cherry" Ames, Student Nurse was a series like Nancy Drew or the Hardy Boys)

I sincerely want to thank Donna F, Wilma, Ina, Marty and so many  nurses on gather.  I don't want to leave someone out because there have been many who emailed me and said I am a nurse and here is a little gem of advice.  I took ever piece to heart and it has help me thru some good times and bad.  It makes me want to be a better nurse.  It makes me want to make you proud.  I want to be you.  And I love y'all dearly for being a part of who I am.

I want to give a very, very, very, very HUGE thank you to Steve the Legend.  He has been an incredible support to me throughout.  Especially in the hardest of times.  He has been my biggest cheerleader ever.  He has talked me down.  Helped me get it together before exams.  Made me laugh.  If I could have anyone at my graduation and I could only pick a few.  It would be my sister, my kids and you would be in my few without a doubt.  And if I could only pick one and my sister could not come.  You would be my one. 

I want to thank my sister.  Who babysits for me when I have no one else.

I want to thank my kids.  My poor, neglected little kiddies.  My big girls were not able to visit.  My little people miss me too much.  I miss them all too much.  And it is for them that I go to school...for me too yes....but mostly, mostly for them.  If I can do this.....God as my witness.....we shall never go hungry again.  hee.  I am the Scarlett O'Hara of nursing.  Only not as selfish and I don't have a Rhett.

I also want to thank Bradley "The what ever kind of proet he wants to be right now" Proet.  You came late to the party, but the nursey girls love you.  You make us laugh and you make Amberlicious throw her VPs.  So thanks from me and the nursey girls.  I am hoping you will be in town on the 20th of Dec when the first phase of the Nursey Girls will be released into the wild.  They would love to meet you.

AND I want to thank Melinda W.  who is coming to see me and lots of Nursey Girls on Saturday.  We are having a parTAY.  And you urged me to have a party and it will be a last big blast before the first phase goes out.  Thank you for encouraging me to do this.  You might not thank me when you see how off the chain we can be when we get together.  hee.

AND THANK EVERYBODY!!!!!  I am coming into the end of things very soon!  APRIL 2008!!