• Home
  • Friends
  • Groups
  • Share

SIGN IN | HELP
dalecoz.gather.com
  • profile|
  • posts|
  • photos|
  • videos|
  • comments|
  • friends|
  • groups
by Dale C.
Member since:
March 7, 2007

Char - First Chapter

November 11, 2007 07:22 PM EST (Updated: June 09, 2008 02:57 PM EDT)
views: 774 | comments: 144

           

 The dream felt solid.  The night breeze felt right.  The touch of Char's bare feet on the ground, the brush of the leaves against her arms, the weight and texture of her wooden spear and her hand-ax; they all felt right.  The pain from the spear wound in her leg felt all too real. 

The forest felt wrong, though.  Char recognized none of the familiar places of her forest.  This forest felt empty compared to hers.  She could hear or smell the small night creatures but Char sensed no creatures larger than the three men that followed her.

The men felt wrong, too.  Three men, armed and not of The Real People, therefore enemies.  Moonlight bounced off their short, oddly shaped spears.   They were wrapped in skins from their necks to their feet in spite of the summer's warmth.  Their eyes were very wrong.  They were at the end of stalks the length and width of her thumb and they let these enemies follow her even when the moon went behind a cloud. 

Not a dream.  This is the place of death.  I died back in the raid. The thought pushed into the center of Char's mind from the edges where it had been lurking.  She pushed it back to the edges, but it grew stronger there.

 The dream enemies walked boldly, noisily, arrogantly, as if the forest belonged to them so completely that nothing in it could challenge them.  The way they walked angered Char but made her cautious.  It implied power.

The old men of her people claimed that to die in a dream meant to die in truth.  What if she died in this empty dream forest and also died in her body which must still be sleeping beside her son?  She stopped suddenly. When did the dream start?  With the attack of the Eastern Enemies or when the night flickered and those enemies disappeared?  Could she be dead or dying from the raid?

Not a dream. The thought jumped back into the center of her mind from the periphery where it lurked and grew.  Too solid.  Too much pain.  Real.  This is the place of death.  She pushed the thought aside again, but with difficulty.   

Char shook her head and focused on the problems of the 'dream world'.  What powers did the dream enemies possess? How could they threaten her?  She stopped again and shut down most of her mind so she could concentrate on that problem.  The dream world faded to faint gray-on-gray shadows.

Dangerous how?  What can they do?  Very strong?  No.  Could tell from the way they moved.   See in the dark? Yes, but not enough.  Why no large animals? Hunted out.  Even the most powerful of beasts?  Yes, but that means incredible power.  Where from?   Spears?  No.  One spear only for each.  Can't be for throwing far or would carry more than one.  Rarely miss?  Shape wrong.  Would not fly right.

Char shifted her attention back to the forest around her.  Her legs and arms felt heavy after the focus, and she took a deep breath.  Her enemies stopped and one of them dabbed at his arm, then pushed his eye-stalks up to the top of his head.  Not eyes.  A mask to see in the dark.  For some reason that made her enemies seem a little less dangerous.

Char realized why her enemies stopped.  She grinned.  Go ahead.  Find the trophy I hid in the tree above you, and know that Char is a dangerous enemy.  The enemies did not climb the tree.  Instead they stood under it, still far beyond spear range.  The moon came out from behind the clouds and Char got a better look at her enemies.  One of them seemed much bigger than the others, huge and bulky in the moonlight.  The big enemy raised his weapon.  One of the others shouted at him and shoved the tip of the spear up.  Char thought she saw something come out of the tip of the spear, moving faster than her eyes could track it.  In the distance, Char heard a sound a like a spear being driven hard into the trunk of a tree, yet suggesting concentrated power like nothing she had ever encountered. 

Fear gave Char's legs speed.  The moon came out and she gained ground on the dream enemies.  The lurking thought forced its way back to the center of her mind again.  You're already dead.  Why run?  Why struggle?

She kept moving fast until the moon went back behind the clouds again.  She sensed a fourth enemy in front of her when he broke a twig.  Char moved quickly at a right angle to the ambush, but had to slow down in the nearly total darkness.  She stopped and let the world fade around her again.

Can throw something, but what?  Thunderbolts?  No, but something dangerous.  How far can they throw them?  They were too far away at first, then close enough.  Too far now.  Point spear to throw bolt.  Why did the man shove the spear up?  Want to capture.  Why?  Torture.  If they catch me I'll sing them a song to make them fear the Real People forever.

  What did the enemy shout?  Meaningless sounds. Char replayed the sounds in her mind.  "Never shoot unless you know what you're shooting at."  Gibberish. 

Char returned her attention to the dream world.  She staggered as the weakness from the second focus flowed through her.  The moon stayed stubbornly behind the clouds, and Char had to pick her way carefully through the forest.  Abruptly she heard swift-running water.  It seemed to come from three sides of her.  She looked back.  The dream men had spread out.  Char moved forward and confirmed her fears.  She was in the bend of a river wide enough that she couldn't see across it in the darkness.

 

***

 

Rick Blair strained to make out details of the green blob that he saw through his night vision goggles.  "Doesn't quite look like Weasel Boy."

Bruce Golden shook his head, sending perspiration from his prematurely balding head down onto his goggles.  "Don't call him that."

Rick's cousin, Erik Davis grinned.  "Why not?  He's the enemy, at least for this round.  Besides, it fits."

            Rick said, "Let's see.  How about 'The Sociopath Kid', or 'Mr. Snorts Coke and Beat His Ex-Wife'.  Hmmm.  No.  Weasel Boy sums it up.  Erik, why did we invite him here again?"

            Erik said, "Because Bruce wants you two to be friends.  Oh, and because I liked the idea of shooting him with a bunch of paint balls."

Bruce said, "How about just calling him Ken?  You're twenty-five.  Time to get over high school."

            "He hasn't," Rick said.  He wiped perspiration off his forehead.  It was after eleven, but the Midwestern July night still felt uncomfortably hot and humid.  Rick brushed against a bush and felt something moist and sticky on his arm.  He looked at his arm through his night-vision goggles, then back at the bush, then at the ground.  He flipped the goggles up and turned on his flashlight.

"Guys, I think we've got a problem."

Erik looked over at him.  "What is it?"

Rick touched the spot on his arm.  "I think it's blood.  Someone else is out here and they're bleeding.  It's time to put paintball on hold.  I say we call Weasel Boy—Ken--in, and figure out what's happening.  We need somebody with a cell phone in case someone's hurt."

Bruce shook his head.  "First, we gave Ken our cell phones--."

            "So we couldn't use them to coordinate against him," Rick said. "Which was a mistake."

Bruce continued.  "And second, you're over-reacting.  Who else would be in this God-forsaken neck of the woods on Fourth-of-July weekend?"

Erik said, "This God-forsaken neck of the woods happens to be my farm."

Bruce aimed his paintball gun at the figure in front of them.  "Probably too far, but maybe I'll get lucky and end this now."

Erik knocked the barrel up just before the paintball gun went off.  "Never shoot unless you know what you're shooting at."

"It's paintball.  Who cares?

"Not even in paintball."

Rick asked, "So, are we going to call it off?"

"Why should we?"

"Because it's just a game and somebody's hurt out here," Rick said.  "I think it's a woman."

Bruce snorted.  "How could you know that?"

"Let's just say they have a little more up top than Ken would."

"All I see is a green blob.  Could be Bigfoot for all I know.  You need a girlfriend."  Bruce wiped a red spot off his shoulder.  "Your so-called blood is dripping from the tree.  Probably sap.  I say we catch up to whoever it is.  If it's Ken, we pelt him with paint balls.  If it's someone else, we ask them what they are doing on Erik's farm.  Oh, and even from here I can barely tell the two of you apart with these goggles."

Erik said, "Just for future reference, I'm the tall, good-looking blob with blond hair.  Rick's the short, ugly blob with brown hair."

Rick grinned.  "You're six feet tall.  I may be an inch shorter than that."

"Inch and a half," Erik said

 Bruce shrugged.  "I'm just saying that's probably Ken out there.  I'm going after him."

He walked away. Rick looked at Erik.  "Am I going off the tracks on this?"

Erik ran his hand over his short blond hair.  "Don't know.  Whoever it is doesn't move like Ken.  Actually, they don't move like anybody I know.  Sure that was blood you found?"

"No."

They caught up with Bruce.  He stopped, breathing hard.  "Heat's getting to me.  Need to lose weight."

Erik said, "Well you eat like you're still playing football.  Bound to catch up with you."

Rick said, "It'll catch up with Weasel Boy too when he gives up the semi-pro football stuff and gets a real job."

This part of the Davis farm was overgrown with weeds and scrub trees because it flooded too often to be cultivated.  A little river cut across one corner of the property.  It changed course almost every year, leaving the area dotted with sloughs and ponds.

Ken, or whoever they were following, abruptly changed course.  Rick looked over at Erik.  "Heading straight into the river bend."

"Spread out and we'll have him."  Erik paused.  "Or her—or it."

Rick angled toward the river.  As he walked, tiny frogs hopped out of his way.  Mosquitoes buzzed past his face.  Mud stuck to his boot, and made them heavy.  In spite of the night vision goggles he lost track of the figure ahead of him.   He reached the edge of a treeless area along the river and saw the green outline of someone waist deep in the water.  He moved into the open and yelled, "Bad idea.  River has lots of holes and tricky currents.  Good place to drown."

Rick took off his night goggles and turned on his flashlight.  Erik and Bruce followed suit.   Rick said, "Told you it was a woman."  The woman wore only a larger than life-sized tattoo of a wolf head above her waist.   She had bright red hair, long in the back and shaved on the side. 

The woman raised a sharpened stick threateningly and said something incomprehensible.  She moved further from the bank, slipped, and dropped the stick as she regained her balance.

Rick moved his flashlight so only the periphery of the beam was on the woman.  "Get your lights out of her eyes."

The woman moved further into the river.  Only her head and shoulders remained above water.  Rick yelled, "We won't hurt you.  Come back."

Erik said, "Put the paintball guns down.  They're scaring her."

That seemed to help.  The woman paused and looked back at them, took another step, then paused again.  Rick said, "It's okay.  We're just playing paintball."

The woman moved a tentative step toward them.  Rick suddenly felt the stinging impact of a paintball on his back.  He turned and saw Ken List running toward them, firing paintballs as quickly as his gun would fire.

"Stop it!  You'll scare her," Rick yelled.  He turned back toward the river just as the woman lost her balance and went under.  Rick put down his goggles and took off his shirt.  One of woman's hands broke the water several yards downstream from where she had gone under.  The hand grasped frantically at air, then disappeared.

Ken ran up.  "Who's that?  What's going on?"

"Woman.  She's drowning."

Ken tossed his paintball gun and night vision goggles onto the bank and waded into the river.  Rick and Erik waded in after him.  Rick stepped into deep water and started swimming, hampered by his remaining clothes.  He got his head above water and tried to orient himself.  The light from Bruce's flashlight pointed him to where the woman had last surfaced.

Rick swam toward the light and did a surface dive.  When he came up he grabbed a quick breath and said, "There's a nasty undertow here."

Ken's head broke the surface several yards downstream.  "No luck."

The moon came back out as Rick treaded water.  He saw a hint of motion out of the corner of his eye, focused on it, and saw the woman's head break the surface about ten yards downstream.  "Over there."

Ken got to the woman first.  She latched onto his head, pulling him under.  Rick reached the two of them and grabbed the woman from behind.  He felt the impact through her as Ken hit her hard to break her grip.  The woman went limp, but Rick felt the impact of another blow. 

 "That's enough," he told Ken.  Rick barely got those words out before another punch snapped the woman's head back against his forehead.  "Would you stop already?  She's out."

Erik swam over and they towed the woman ashore.  They stumbled onto the bank and lay there exhausted.  Bruce ran up.  "Is she okay?"

Rick glared at Ken.  "You didn't have to hit her the last two times.  She was out after the first one."

"She had me by the throat!  I just hit her until she let go."

Rick shook his head.  "We'll worry about that later.  Erik, you know First Aid.  Do what you can.  Ken, you've got the cell phones.  Call 911.   Bruce, cut two poles seven feet long.  We'll rig up a stretcher and get her to the house.  Keep your eyes open.  She was running from something even before she saw us."

Ken shook his head.  "Cell phones went into the river with me.  They aren't waterproof.  We're on our own until we get back to the farmhouse."

Erik said, "And I don't have a land line there."

Rick walked over to Erik and the woman.  "How is she?"

Erik looked up.  "She has a deep cut on her leg, but the bleeding's stopped.  She's breathing, but she's really out.  How hard did he hit her?"

"Way too hard.  I'll have a bruise on my forehead where her head bounced off mine the last time he hit her."

Ken walked up.  "She had me by the throat. I had to get her off of me.  You would have done the same thing."

Rick stood up and faced him.  "The first time maybe.  The other two, no.   And I wouldn't have enjoyed it."

Bruce came back with two long sticks.  "What do you want to do with these?"

Rick took a deep breath. "Use our shirts to make a stretcher and hope they don't tear.  It felt like she weighed a ton when we dragged her out."

Ken picked up a flashlight and walked over to the mystery woman.  He felt her pulse, forced open an eyelid, then stood up and swore.  "No!  Not now!  Not tonight!  I'm not going to be trapped here in Loserbury!"

Rick looked over at him.  "What are you talking about?  Help us carry her."

"You don't understand.  She's not just unconscious.  She's hurt bad."

"So let's get her to a doctor."

Ken swore again.  "You don't get it.  If she dies I get voluntary manslaughter.  If she's brain damaged her parents sue me and their hands are in my pocket the rest of my life.  Either way, there goes my last chance to get out of Applebury and into the NFL.    I say we put her back into the river.  If someone finds the body she hit her head and drowned.  Nothing to do with us."

"You're nuts!  That would be murder.  What kind of lowlife would even think of doing that?"  Rick looked at Bruce.  "I told you he was a weasel."

    "No.  I've just been through the court system.  I know how it works.   You three could get involuntary manslaughter for chasing her into the river.  Look, let me think.  If we aren't careful we all can kiss the rest of our twenty-something years goodbye.  I'm not going to do that for some hopped-up bimbo we found running around half-naked in someone else's woods."

Rick shook his head and kept working on the stretcher.  "Dumping her would be stupid even if we were that kind of people.  She came from somewhere.  This could be a college initiation. She could have friends waiting to pick her up.  Erik, was she carrying any identification?"

"No.  She's wearing a skirt made out of animal hide—deerskin I think.  She has a pouch of dried meat around her waist.  That's it."

"Sounds like a survival exercise—which means people know she's here."  Rick knotted a shirtsleeve around a pole and tested the knot.  "That should do it.  Let's get her to a doctor."

Ken shook his head.  "I can't be involved in this.  Okay.  Forget putting her back in the river.  Bad idea.  Let's just get someplace and call 911.  Leave an anonymous tip."

Rick said, "You're involved.  Sheriff would take one look at this scene and know something's wrong.  I won't lie for you.  Let's get her to the house."

Ken shook his head. "Didn't you even hear what I said?"

Erik looked up.  "Yeah, we heard you.  After tonight I don't want to ever see you on my farm again."

*****

Char risked opening her eyes a slit.  She hoped that she hadn't stirred or given some sign of regaining consciousness.  She could see three of her enemies.  None of them showed the alertness that would have come if she had moved.  They all moved quickly around her, removing wet skins and putting on dry ones.  They hadn't tied her hands or feet yet.  Her enemies would pay for that bit of carelessness..  

Char studied her enemies through her almost closed eye-lids.  The three she could see would all have towered over the tallest men of the Real People.  One was both tall and grotesquely fat.  His brown hair was thin in front, as if from some disease.  His eyes were a shocking blue.  The other two enemies were slightly more ordinary looking, though one of them had yellow hair and stood at least a foot taller than Char.  The other one wasn't much shorter, though his eyes and hair were a more normal brown.  Something about the way the brown-haired enemy moved drew Char's attention.  Danger there, more than from the others.

Char shifted her attention to the rest of her surroundings.  She was in some kind of hut, but the walls seemed much too smooth.  She felt something impossibly soft and smooth beneath her.  A miniature sun glowed not more than a tall man's height above her.  It seemed to hang from the roof of the hut.  In a corner she could see an incredibly realistic painting of a man and a woman.  In spite of its detail, the painting failed to capture the essence of the man and the woman. It has no power.

This part of the—she forced herself to think dream world-- felt even more baffling and dangerous than the nearly empty forest.  Char pushed the pain in her head and leg out of her mind and tried to figure out this strange, too smooth hut and the things in it.  She heard footsteps from a part of the room she couldn't see.

The fourth enemy came within Char's view.  He carried an odd-looking club with a handle attached to a round, heavy object with a front as transparent as the clearest water and a wide as Char's hand.  He held the club no more than a hand's width away from Char's face.  Char weighed her chances.  If this fourth enemy raised his club she could bring her knee up into his groin, grab the club and use it to kill the most dangerous of her enemies before he reacted.  That would leave two enemies able to fight, but if she beat them then what?  Where was she?  What would she find outside the strange hut?  That question kept Char motionless on the bed.  Have to know more.  As she thought that, the smooth face of the club suddenly lit up with the light of tens of suns.  It took all of Char's willpower not to move or cry out in the face of the incredible thing, but she didn't.

 *** 

Ken tossed the flashlight down on the bed beside the woman.  "Thought she was playing possum.  I guess I was wrong.  If a million candlepower flashlight won't make her twitch, she isn't awake.  That thing's like a car headlight. "

Rick looked around the upstairs bedroom of the Davis farmhouse.  "Wound on her leg's bleeding again.  If she had been awake, you would have blinded her."

"Not permanently."  Ken picked up the light again, looked at the front and said, "It's got one of those glow-in-dark rings so you can find it in the dark."

            "Flashlight's for emergencies.  Leave it alone," Erik said.  "Why are you still here?"

            "Sheriff will want to talk to me too, since you aren't going to leave me out of this," Ken said.  "One of the questions will be why you carried her to an upstairs bedroom.  I don't have an answer for that one.  Do you?"

Rick put on a pair of clean socks and brushed his short brown hair down with his fingers.  "Why not bring her up here?"

"Because it was stupid," Ken said.  "Dying girl.  Bedroom.  Four guys.  You do the math.  Plus you carried her up the stairs--hurt, bleeding.   They may claim you hurt her on the way up.   We need to get her downstairs and get rid of the sheets." 

Rick brushed past him and lifted a corner of the sheet.  "Blood soaked through to the mattress.  Moving her now would be even more suspicious.  Better a bedroom than back in the river." 

Ken tossed the light back on the bed.  "Know why I said what I did by the river?" 

"Because you're a sociopath," Rick said.  "Always have been.  You're the most selfish human being I've ever met. You were that way in grade school.  You were that way in high school.  Erik should never have let Bruce talk him into inviting you up here."

Ken looked down at the woman on the bed.  "I saw her laying there hurt, maybe brain-damaged, and I knew the last five years of my life were down the tubes.  I've worked hard at football.  Do you know how much semi-pro ball pays?"

Rick said, "I don't care."

"About as much as flipping burgers.  It's only worth doing if the NFL spots you.  They scouted me last season.  I get within a mile of dead girl and they're gone for good.  So is my last chance to get out of Applebury and have a life." 

"So you wanted to let her die so you could play football," Rick said.  "That pretty much nails the sociopath bit."

Ken shook his head. "I wouldn't have put her back.  Yeah, I thought about it, but I wouldn't have done it." 

Rick brushed a strand of hair out of the woman's eyes and put the back of his hand against her forehead.  "Don't die on us!"  He looked at Erik.  "No fever.   Can you tell how bad she's hurt?"

Erik shook his head.  "She isn't reacting like the first aid books say she should.  Wonder what happened to her leg.  Looks like a stab wound, but not clean like a knife."

"Told you it was blood back there."

Bruce said, "Cut's too low for the blood to get on your arm.  That was sap."

"Maybe."  Rick shrugged and said to Erik, "I'll drive to your neighbor's and call for help.  Ken, I expect her to be here when I get back."

"If she dies, my lawyer will be here too," Ken said.  "You were beside me in the river.  She had me by the throat.  I couldn't breathe.  What was I supposed to do?  She was panicking.  Strong.  Could have killed me.  So I hit her."

"Three times.  I won't tell it worse than it was, but I won't lie for you."

Rick walked out to the hall.  Erik followed him.  Rick said, "He's not totally wrong.  She's strong and she was panicked.  The first punch knocked her out though.  Got a camera?"

"Maybe.  Why?"

"Get pictures of our mystery woman without Weasel Boy noticing, so he won't get away with murder if he does put her back in the river."

Erik nodded.  "I'll try.  He did help save her."

"Yeah, when it didn't cost him anything.  When it starting costing it was 'put her in the river'." Rick shrugged. "That surprised me, but it shouldn't have.  Be careful while I'm gone."

"I will.  Drive.  We'll be okay here."

The drive to the next farm took less than five minutes, but it seemed like an hour.  A Rottweiler stood near the house barking as Rick drove up.  A porch light came on as he got closer.  A man yelled, "What do you need?"

 "Call the sheriff and get an ambulance out to the Davis farm."

***

Back at the farmhouse, Erik looked at the woman.  "Her leg's bleeding again.  We need to get that stopped."

Ken shook his head.  "You have no idea what you're in for.  Court system's going to chew you up.  I know."

Erik said, "Saving someone's life isn't like doing drugs or beating your wife."

"The drugs were a long time ago, and I paid the price.  I would be a pro running back now if I hadn't screwed up.  Never beat my ex-wife, not that it's your business."

Erik shrugged.  He took the woman's pulse.  "It's normal."

Ken looked down at the woman.  "She's not ugly but there's no buzz from her."

"What?"

"She's almost naked but there's no vibe."

Erik said, "Maybe because she hurt and this isn't the time to be a horndog."

"I'm always a horndog, but there's nothing there.  Weird."

"Pathetic," Erik said. He looked at Bruce. "I'll find bandages.  Watch her and yell if anything changes."

He went down to the kitchen and looked for a first aid kit.  A movement at the window startled him until he recognized an old gray farm cat.  The cat yawned, then perked up its ears, looked in the window, and jumped down into the darkness.  Erik looked out the window but didn't see anything unusual. "Is everything okay up there?"

Nobody answered.  Erik yelled again.  No answer.  He got a butcher knife out of a kitchen drawer, went to the foot of the stairs and yelled again.

The silence stretched.  Erik heard a floorboard creak.  The light at the head of the stairs shattered, leaving the upstairs entirely dark.  "Bruce, Ken, what's going on?"

The farmhouse went silent for several seconds.  Erik heard a rustling sound in the upstairs hallway.  He reached for his flashlight and realized it was still upstairs.

Erik started up the stairs, uncomfortably aware of the noise his boots made.  He paused partway up and looked around in the darkness.  "Bruce!  Ken!  What's going on?"

He heard a thud from the bedroom.  The light from the big flashlight hit him in the face, blinding him.  He heard the compressed air 'pffft' of a paintball gun, and the paintball hit him in the chest.  "Oww."

The light focused on his chest, then went dark.  He heard someone running toward him, and saw the glow-in-the-dark circle of the flashlight swinging toward his head.  He got his knife hand up to partially block it.  The impact knocked the knife out of his hand, and the light crashed into his head.  He staggered, lost his balance, and fell down the stairs.  One of his flailing arms knocked the flashlight out of his assailant's hand and it bumped down the stairs behind him.  His head slammed painfully onto to the floor at the foot of the stairs.

The flashlight landed on Erik's stomach.  He grabbed it and flashed it up the stairs.  He caught a glimpse of someone running past the stairs, carrying something bulky.  He tried to get up, fighting dizziness and nausea, but sagged to the floor gasping for breath.  He heard someone upstairs fumbling with the balcony door, rattling it.  Finally he heard the door open and close.

Erik got up and staggered to a window.   He thought he saw somebody jump down from the balcony and run through the yard without breaking stride.  The dizziness overtook Erik and he slumped by the window, fading in and out of consciousness.  He yelled weakly, "Bruce!  Ken!  Are you up there?"

There was still no answer.  He must have faded out of consciousness.  When he woke, Ken was looking down at him.

"What happened?"

Ken said, "You'll need a good lawyer, one that can handle murder."

"What happened?  Where's Bruce?"

Ken shook his head.  "I'm not saying another word until I talk to a lawyer.  If you're smart you won't either."

 

Expand Tags: first chapters, crime, mystery
Expand To Group: AlternateHistoryZineMarch2008
recommend this
email
print
link to this page
Paste this link into an email or IM
Bookmark this post:
Facebook
Twitter
Delicious
Buzz
More

Comments: 144

John Philipp Nov 11, 2007, 8:08pm EST
Wow, Dale, certainly a lot goiong on. Very exciting on first pass. I'll read it more carefully later but I got caught up in the story and just kept reading.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Jennifer Oliver Nov 11, 2007, 8:29pm EST
Dale, loved this chapter! The description of the dream enemies was creepy, like being wrapped in skins and having eyes on the end of stalks. When I jumped into the second section, that's when I realized these were the dream enemies that Char saw.

I enjoyed the bantering between the men...funny lines like "Let's just say they have a little more up top than Ken would." I cracked up when I read "His brown hair was thin in front, as if from some disease." The unique premise is intriguing, the characters engaging and likeable. You've got me wondering what's going on with Char. This promises to be a whopper of a mystery!
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Lazarus B. Nov 12, 2007, 11:34am EST
Dale, old friend! Good to see you back in the mystery/crime contest and I can't help but notice that you're still at the top of your game. On Thursday I'm going to come back and rate you when it counts. Good luck, dude!
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Jan S. Nov 15, 2007, 12:59am EST
Very well written. Good story, too. Good luck.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Dave S. Nov 15, 2007, 4:50pm EST
Dale: This is certainly an intriguing and original mystery story. I like it a lot. I especially like the shifts from Char's POV (as she describes the everyday items that are unusual to her) to the men's POV. I definitely hope to be able to read Chapter 2 in the next round. 10 from me.

Nits: There are just a few typos here and there. For example: "... as the clearest water and a wide as Char's hand." I saw a couple more but can't find them now. I also thought perhaps "room" didn't fit in the sentence, "She heard footsteps from a part of the room she couldn't see." Up to that point, she has used only the word "hut" to describe the room.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Lori F. Nov 15, 2007, 10:14pm EST
Dale I am very excited to see Char in this contest. Looks like you have been busy doing rewrites.

Excellent!!!
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
James R. Nov 15, 2007, 10:25pm EST
Hi, Dale. It is good to see this chapter again and it feels tighter and stronger than the last version you posted. Char is the strongest presence in this chapter and the story comes alive when seen from her point of view.

I also like the way the banter between friends suddenly goes away when the woman is hurt in the water. This change reveals the differences between the characters in the way they react to a stressful situation.

I saw one nit, where the sentence below could use a comma before the but:

"She could hear or smell the small night creatures but Char sensed no creatures larger than the three men that followed her."

Nice hook at the end. I'd like to read more, so you have my "10".
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Rachel S. Nov 16, 2007, 9:23am EST
Dale -- Great job! Love the dichotomy between her world and theirs. Will be interesting to see how you tie it all together. You get a 10 from me!
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
June B. Nov 16, 2007, 9:49am EST
Great first chapter. I wish I had your imagination.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Jennifer Oliver Nov 16, 2007, 10:22am EST
Here's giving you a healthy dose of 10 stars, Dale! Good luck!
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Ann B. Nov 16, 2007, 11:32am EST
Dale, I loved this in FC1 and, like others have noted, you've done an even better piece with tightening it up. Char is incredible -- all the phrases she tosses out like "the Real People" are so great at making us realize right away she's unlike anyone we've ever met. The group of men are also interesting, especially the way they react to Ken. What a rat! But even Ken is a good character to have because he does force us to see moral implications and elevates this story.

And, wow! What a hook at the end there. Fantastic!
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
J.C. Alexander Nov 16, 2007, 1:58pm EST
OK, I'm hooked. You get my 10, for sure.

I find it very interesting the way you blend the modern with the fantastical. Bear Country and Char both have this twist, and I like it! I tend to do the same thing, so maybe that's why.

My only 'nit' after a first read-through: "Can throw something, but what? Thunderbolts? No, but something dangerous. How far can they throw them?" I think you should preface the first sentence with 'They'. At first I thought she was trying to figure out what she herself could throw, and it took me a re-read to clarify that.

Good luck in the contest, Dale.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Paul Allen Leoncini Nov 16, 2007, 5:48pm EST
Hi dale, thought your work was well worth the read. Good luck..
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Jamie C. Nov 16, 2007, 6:48pm EST
Nice work, Dale! I got a much better feel for the characters in your rewrite and I love Char's thoughts in the opening scene. Excellent! Definate "10".
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Pat Bertram Nov 16, 2007, 10:41pm EST
There is good imagery here, and nice contrasts between the old and the modern, the real world and the dream one.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Bill W. Nov 17, 2007, 11:33am EST
Wow! I'm learning stuff here. Shades of T.S. Elliot. I have to expand my narrow boundaries defining "crime". You've drawn me in. Good work!!

I hope your responders will check out "MINDSET"


Rest Easy
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Gina Robinson Nov 17, 2007, 7:29pm EST
Great job, Dale! An engaging entry. 10 from me.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Margay R. Nov 18, 2007, 8:33am EST
This is an interesting concept. As I sat here reading it, I kept thinking - what? What is going on here? It kept me reading to try to figure it out. I like a good mystery and this certainly is just that! Good luck in the contest!

The Scent of Humanity
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Jane F. Nov 19, 2007, 1:28pm EST
Fascinating read. I really enjoyed it. You're a very talented writer. A winner, for sure.

Hey, if anyone has a chance, can they let me know how writers work together on Gather, by dropping me a line or telling me how to find this out? I noticed that a bunch of you'll seem to have worked together before. Thanks.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Dale C. Nov 19, 2007, 8:06pm EST
Several of us have competed against one another in previous Gather contests. In these contests you get a range of people. Some are so intent on winning that they don't get to know other people in the contest. Others see networking and helpful critiques as the main value of the contest. People with that attitude tend to stick around. As to how it happens, I've set up "First Chapter Lounges" for each of the contests. There is a chat topic where you can ask questions, tell people how you are doing, and just in general get acquainted. There is a topic where you can leave your bio as a comment. You can leave a blurb about your story there too. A lot of people get to know each other by hanging out in the lounge. The lounge is at:

http://fcclounge.gather.com/
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
debra g. Nov 19, 2007, 9:54pm EST
Hi Dale,
Sorry it took me this long to get to your story.A great read and I really love it.Very well done I wish you the best of luck.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
John Philipp Nov 20, 2007, 8:55am EST
Back for the actual voting. I must say while I like this type of story I don't usually like ones that begin in confusion. But here, you have just the right balance of strangeness and intrigue to keep me hooked.

I think that's the analogy for this type of introduction. You have to hook and re-hook the read every few paragraphs to keep them on the line. You do it well here.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Jonathan F. Nov 20, 2007, 8:18pm EST
I particularly enjoyed the use of different POV--a tricky business which you handled very well--and the cliff-hanger ending to draw the reader on.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Creola Thomas Nov 21, 2007, 2:20am EST
The POV, put me in mind of movies. Nevertheless, you have a very intresting story. If you get the check read my article. I like hearing from good writers.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Bonnie W. Nov 21, 2007, 4:20pm EST
Very interesting story and I loved the sort of cave man or should I say woman dream sequence all wrapped up with modern day paint ball shooters. Can't wait to see how this works out. Great chapter and looking forward to more.

B Walker AKA Sunwanderer - The Case of the Curious Cousin
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Sy g. Nov 21, 2007, 11:10pm EST
Tnis was really great, very well written, and exciting. The different POVs are so contrasting, that it makes the whole chapter taut and vibrant. A very original take. Many questions are raised, and I am anxious to see them answered.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Rand Phares Nov 22, 2007, 1:52pm EST
Great work, Dale.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Dale C. Nov 23, 2007, 1:32am EST
I just wanted to thank everybody for their comments. I also want to make sure that anybody reading this understands that constructive criticism is very welcome here. I promise I won't be offended if people point to problem areas in Char, the more specific the better.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Ken C. Nov 23, 2007, 9:17am EST
Dale, you're coming along well, this is much improved. If you don't mind me saying, too many sentences begin with a character's name, I'd suggest varying the sentence structures. 10-spot from me, why not?
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Stephen Prosapio Nov 23, 2007, 9:35pm EST
Hey Dale!
I really like what you've done with this. I liked it in FC1 and the version afterwards but had plenty of issues with it back then. Those seem to be getting cleaned up nicely in this version.

Char's inner thoughts are much clearer and enough information is provided for us to understand enough of what is going on vs confusing us.

The action sequence is clearer. The character differentiation is better.

The back and forth POV is less confusing as well since the voices are more pronounced. As for the end hook of the chapter, you've got me baffled and very interested in what happened. I don't remember Ken being there in other versions? Him being there makes it much more interesting than before (if I remember correctly).

This is a 10 and good luck in the contest!
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Norman B. Nov 24, 2007, 12:52pm EST
Very imaginative story. No hard-boiled private eye in sight, but a great mystery. I can see how the dialogue among the people in the woods would be very difficult to keep straight. But I think you're getting there. I give it a 10.

Norm
Carpet Ride
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
J. Rose Black Nov 24, 2007, 8:35pm EST
This is by far the best entry I've read so far. :)

I like the opening sequence, and you have a talent for description.

"Rick angled toward the river. As he walked, tiny frogs hopped out of his way. Mosquitoes buzzed past his face. Mud stuck to his boot, and made them heavy."


It really puts you there, in Rick's proverbial shoes.

There are 2 main things that I think could use some work. The first is that you don't seem entirely sure who's telling the story once you change out of Char's POV. At first, it seems like Rick, but then you skip to Eric at one point and Bruce, and I lost the clear sense of the story I had when we were with Char.

That first scene from her perspective is just so well done, Dale. The suspense is palpable. It's crisp and clear. And then you skip to a group of guys playing paintball, and at first, when we're with Rick, I'm still with you. Then you go back to Char's POV, and I don't think that really added much to the progression of the story. All we got was that she wasn't dead. Which may be important, it's hard to tell at this point. But, considering how short the scene is and we get no dialogue, it seems like it's not really crucial to the progression of the story and thus I wonder if you can eliminate it altogether.

Then when you go back to the guys, we skip around so rapidly, I can't tell who is telling the story at this point:

Ken tossed the flashlight down on the bed beside the woman. "Thought she was playing possum. I guess I was wrong...."

*skip*

Rick looked around the upstairs bedroom of the Davis farmhouse. "Wound on her leg's bleeding again. If she had been awake, you would have blinded her."

"Not permanently." Ken picked up the light again, looked at the front and said, "It's got one of those glow-in-dark rings so you can find it in the dark."

"Flashlight's for emergencies. Leave it alone," Erik said.

I do look forward to reading the next part!

Thanks for starting the FCC lounge and Good luck to you in the contest! :)

Take care,
Rose

Sahara Downpour
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Stephanie W. Nov 24, 2007, 9:19pm EST
This is out of my normal reading preference, but you hooked me. Good job. Char is so unreal and all of the guys are sooo real. I can just imagine this bunch of yahoos out in the forest with their paintball guns. What a bunch of typical guys and then you through them what promises to be a very abnormal situation.

Good luck in the contest. Ten from me.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
RK C. Nov 25, 2007, 8:18pm EST
Hi Dale,
I think you've got some very good characters. I did get a little lost with Rick and Eric. Best of luck in the contest.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
robert b. Nov 26, 2007, 10:43am EST
This is the strangest, in a good way, story I've read here thus far. So far you've melded the fantasy and real-life elements well...Char elicits our empathy and the other characters are well drawn.
A couple of suggestions, and you should take them with a grain of salt, of course...I think the opening sequence, despite its evocative and compelling tone, could perhaps be shortened. Get to the guys earlier and then go back to Char so the reader isn't confused as to what they're reading for too long(although I expect to be a little lost at the beginning of any good novel, a lot of readers are put off). Also, you might consider giving us a little more of Erik's interior monologue/feelings to heighten clarity/empathy here. Assuming he's the co-protagonist with Char, although I don't know for sure where you're going.
I won't go into picayune editing details cuz we could all use a line editor and yours prose is fine.
Btw, I appreciate your extended comments on my entry. Just for your info(I haven't mentioned it on my page cuz what is is), I was rushing to get my entry in before the deadline and inadvertently downloaded an earlier version, not my final edit. Pisses me off that I screwed up in this way cuz the writing is not quite as sharp as it should be. Che sara sara...

Anywhichway, I've read a whole passel of entries now, and if I were stranded on a desert island and given the choice of one and only one of them that I could continue reading, it would be yours.
Good luck.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Deborah J Ledford Nov 26, 2007, 1:26pm EST
Fascinating read, Dale.
I couldn't figure out where you were taking us in your opening, which kept me enticed enough to keep reading. Very intelligent on your behalf.

I would like a little more sensory and for you to set scenes a bit more so that we actually "feel" what your characters are experiencing. This will also ratchet up your suspense.

Thank you so much for your insightful comments on my entry STACCATO
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
David D. Nov 26, 2007, 8:43pm EST
Wonderful job, Dale. There isn't much I can add that hasn't already been said by the other readers. Good luck in the contest!
David
Unspoken Evils
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Sheila Deeth Nov 26, 2007, 11:56pm EST
Good job on the edits Dale. This read really well, and I'll look forward to seeing what you've done with the next chapters. Nice.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Donald E. Nov 27, 2007, 3:06pm EST
Very interesting chapter. Best of luck in the contest.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
martin g. Nov 27, 2007, 8:44pm EST
Some pretty good writing here.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
~Sia McKye~ Nov 27, 2007, 10:36pm EST
Dave, I love how your mind works. You tell some fascinating tales, sir. I like the whole premise. It's fresh and different. There are some great crime mysteries in all time periods. I like how you reach out beyond the confines of the standard premise of Crime/mysteries and offer us this.

I also like looking through the eyes of someone that comes from a more primitive culture, a warrior woman, (or at least, enough of a warrior, to defend herself or kill, even when necessary) and see her perceptions of some of the silly games, pseudo warriors play. To them, it's all a game, but to her, it's war--her or them.

You do a great job with Char. I know what she's thinking, I see her puzzlement at finding herself in a foreign setting, and her feeling she is being hunted. Her fear, as she tries to work out in her mind how she got 'here' and why she's here. I like the native feel of her. The terms 'the Real People', 'Dream World', and the way she projects herself outward to take a reading of her environment; makes me wonder if she is some sort of shaman and here for a reason. The way she remembers the raid and the way the 'night flickered' and the 'eastern enemies' disappeared...anyway, I have a good mental picture of her character, motivations, and conflict. You 'showed' me through her actions and her inner dialog.

I don't have as clear a picture of your other characters feelings. I'd like to see a little more internal dialog from Rick. The dialog is very good. I do get a good read on your three 'warriors' especially Ken, from what Rick and Erik say about him. And on the wimpy has-been, Bruce. The dialog tells what their verbal reactions are.

Char's reaction to Ken, tells me much more about Ken and the true depth the danger he poses, than I get from Erik and Rick, who have known him longer. Does that make sense? Maybe it's a male/female difference in seeing characters, so feel free to liberally use your salt-shaker on my take of it.

The only place I had to slow and read carefully was when the guys were accessing Char's injuries. I had to work at keep who was saying what.

Overall, my little nits aside, I really do love the story. It's well written and has a very good blend of dialog and narrative. It kept my interest through-out the chapter and truthfully engaged me enough I wanted to continue reading. Had it been a book in my hands, I would still be reading. You left us hanging and wanting more. Well done, Dave, well done.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Pat Bertram Nov 28, 2007, 12:27am EST
Dale: Of all the contest entries I have read, yours sticks in my mind. I keep thinking of that Blake line "out of the everywhere into the here."

Good luck!
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Bonnie L. Nov 28, 2007, 8:32am EST
Dale,

As I read I couldn't help but compare the beginning to "Bear Country"... so, in the beginning I expected this to be heavily sci-fi - and was pleasantly surprised. I suspect this will become a full-fledged mystery with a sci-fi twist as only you can do it.

I thought this was excellent on several levels. Technically, no one can fault you in any way that matters. That always makes reading easier and helps pull the reader in - and you have done an excellent job doing that with the first chapter of "Char."

I know I'm comparing artichokes to anchovies, but as much as I liked "Bear Country," which was also well done, I like this even better!

How could anyone NOT rate "Char" as a ten? We must if we are to have an opportunity to read Chapter Two to see if we can discover answers to the hooks you skillfully set up in this chapter.

Excellent job!

Bon
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Bethany C. Nov 28, 2007, 9:38am EST
I remembered how much I liked Bear Country in the romance contest, so when I saw that you were in this one, I had to come check it out. A 10 as I expected.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
~Sia McKye~ Nov 28, 2007, 9:43am EST
DALE, I wanted to apologize publicly for mangling your name. How insulting to call you Dave in TWO contests...
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Dale C. Nov 28, 2007, 6:43pm EST
Sylvia: Not a problem. You enjoyed the story and that's what counts.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Kathryn E. Nov 28, 2007, 11:33pm EST
QUITE good Dale~ I like police procedurals. I think you have a great chance.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
flit . Nov 28, 2007, 11:34pm EST
good luck :)
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Trish A. Nov 28, 2007, 11:49pm EST
I enjoyed my first pass at this and if all goes well will return to look at it in more detail when I'm not so tired.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Mark Lange Nov 28, 2007, 11:55pm EST
Best of luck in the contest. I enjoyed it!~
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Denise B. Nov 29, 2007, 8:27am EST
good luck, very interesting
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Judi F. Nov 29, 2007, 11:32am EST
Dale - Great writing - AGAIN! :) I remember it from FC1 but, like Steve, don't remember Ken ~ hmmm, could that be in reference to someone we both know? ;) You've got my 10 - and great job on continuing our points donation to Habitat For Humanity from FCR!

The nits:

One, really. It's in Char's POV. With her narrative, we get a smooth reading, but when you italicize her thoughts (which you don't need to do b/c we are in her head already and will know they're her thoughts just like the narrative is), those italicized thoughts read a little non-native speaker-ish. It's her language, so it should flow like her language does. I would accept this as her native speech if her narrative weren't so fluid and different. Also, in the opener, you don't need to use her name so much; "she" would fill in fine in a lot of those instances and take us deeper into the narrative POV.

You craft a fine story, my friend. 10 from me, of course.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Terry Shaw Nov 29, 2007, 12:42pm EST
Dale,
I really enjoyed this. I love surprises as a way to move a story along, and you had me completely when it turned out the three "enemies" were guys out playing paintball. You also ended this chapter with a great amount of suspense. I really want to see where this ends up.

A couple of suggestions:

When you're writing from Char's POV, I think the language should be very simple. I don't know if she would use or think words like "grotesquely, transparent, miniature, incredibly" and a few others. For example, instead of "miniature sun" could it be "little sun." I don't want to make her sound stupid; I just don't think her language would be very evolved.

Also, we live in a pampered, shampooed and deodorized world. Shouldn't the guys notice that she's a little more natural? She's also probably got hairy underarms and legs, which a guy like Ken would notice.

Good luck with this!
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Lisa "Queen Wombat" F. Nov 29, 2007, 2:14pm EST
Dale, I don't know how much I have to add to the thoughts I've already given you on CHAR but to reiterate, this first chapter is much improved from the FC1 version - it's so much more vivid and fleshed out. I really like Sylvia's point about the irony of the difference between Char's perceptions and the guys' - war versus a game. Char is really well-drawn - you do a great job depicting her inner life.

Hope we get to read more. 10 from me.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
dee-dee Wishes you the best life has to offer S. Nov 29, 2007, 2:19pm EST
Interesting science fiction, wow the twist and turns right up front, grand job, interesting, likable characters, held me from start to finish. Wishing you the best of luck on the contest, like this one very much, let me know when chapter 2 is out.
My favorite murder who did it mystery books. Why to go! LOVE THIS ONE !
Good Bless
See you on the next round, chapter 2
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
wiaka's just ... curious Nov 29, 2007, 3:01pm EST
Dale this is quite the twist from "who done it" and I like it. Very impressive, though I was a bit confused at first. Now my curiousity is rising. I am thinking the Bruce is the one that is dead and Char got away. I am not going to critique this first chapter as I am not writer the only thing I can give it is my impression and whether I would buy this story. If it follows this course and brings more questions for me then I would buy it, however if the spotlight is on the young men and not so much Char I wouldn't. I believe there is going to be more to come from Char because of the title and that is great for this reader.

BTW I loved "Bear Country" are you going to try and get it published because I would buy it.

Here's a ten.

Blessings
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
David Johnson Nov 29, 2007, 6:44pm EST
My, it's been a while since I've seen the first chapter of "Char".

Given that - as a mystery - it's difficult for me to see how well it works since I've already "turned to the last page of the book" my comments are going to be somewhat generic. But what the heck.

First thing: "Mud stuck to his boot, and made them heavy" I think you mean "boots" here, not boot...;)

Anywho, it reads a _lot_ better than I remember it reading the first time. You set up the characters (and some of their more basic characteristics) nicely without being overly (and unrealistically) "talky." Ken, fer example, comes across nicely as an asshole. And we see some of Char's...special features nicely integrated with the story. For those reading for the first time, they'll be a nice "Oh!" later as things are revealed.

So, hope you make the next round - and that this thing gets published already!
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Tyron T. Nov 29, 2007, 7:52pm EST
Yeah Dale... Nice work here.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Rita K. Nov 29, 2007, 9:18pm EST
I like that your story is so different from others I've read. I thought it was scary at first, rather sci-fi, and maybe it is, but it pulled me in. Loved the dialogue. Perhaps a little more internal thought coming from the characters would enhance the story, but overall I really enjoyed this chapter. I really want to read chapter two! I'm worried about what's going to happen next! Best of luck in the contest. It's a 10! Please check out my chapter of Intimate Murder--I would love to have your comments too.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
(The Other) Dale C. Nov 29, 2007, 10:58pm EST
I didn't read everyone else's comments but all I can say is," I WANT MORE!"

But, with my luck, like in the last contest...there were a couple I wanted to finish reading... but either the popularity contests or something, made my favorites lose out. So... I'm still left hanging on a couple great reads.

This story started out, a little on the confusing side, to me... but as I read along, it all suddenly snapped into place. I love the story line and can hardly wait until the next chapter. You've done well, building the characters.. especially Char and "Weasel Boy".

A definite ten and to heck with criticism of punctuation. Git-r-done!!
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
C A. Nov 30, 2007, 9:13am EST
Hi Dale,

Thank you for inviting me to read and critique your entry.

I understand Char's primitive language skills, and maybe I'm pre-judging based on the fact that I've read this before, but the beginning is stilted, choppy, and irritating. Perhaps taking this from a third person to an omniscient POV would help. You could switch back to third person again when moving to the more advanced characters, and sprinkle the rest of the story with the omniscient whenever it was necessary to communicate for Char. When Char speaks, the stilted language and choppy sentencing won't be a distraction as it will be understood as a way of making her come to life for the reader.

My first break with logic comes here:

"Rick touched the spot on his arm. "I think it's blood. Someone else is out here and they're bleeding."

Rick finds blood and immediately assumes a) it's human, and b) someone's in trouble.

They're in the woods. There are critters in the woods. Why would he immediately assume the blood is human? And he figures it's a woman? C'mon, Dale!

Next breach:

"Rick stood up and faced him. "The first time maybe. The other two, no. And I wouldn't have enjoyed it."

Why would Rick assume Ken enjoyed it?

Dale, this is a classic example of the writer knowing backstory and knowing what's ahead, and letting too much of that knowledge get in the way of layering his story for the reader.

On a positive note, your dialogue continues to be your strong suit and you do a good job of laying foundations for each of your character's personalities.

As crime stories go, though, this is not going to be one that will appeal to the masses. Perhaps you should stick to selling it as sci-fi.

Can't give you a "10", bud, so I won't give you a rating at all.

Good luck in the competition.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Dale C. Nov 30, 2007, 10:52am EST
I'm trying to avoid jumping in here every couple of comments, but I do want to let everybody know that their comments are read and very much appreciated. Tens are nice too, but the comments have a more lasting value.

Lisa, Judi and David: Thanks for your patience in reading this chapter yet again. David, you've probably read it half a dozen times in various versions over the years, and since you've read the whole novel you are in a unique position to come back and say 'ah, I know why he/she did/said that'.

The other Dale C: The bit about it all snapping into place was exactly what I was going for. I'm glad it worked for you.

C. A.: Darn. The whole "you had an influence on it" thing wasn't enough to swing the ten from you. LOL. Thanks for stopping by anyway and I appreciate the comments.

As to the specifics: Unfortunately, the way Char thinks early in this chapter give important clues to her nature. There are aspects of what she is that will gradually be revealed over the course of the novel. As David says some of the things in this first chapter, especially the first part of it, will click into place later on in the novel and hopefully give you the same kind of "Oh" reaction that you got when you first realize that Char and the paintball guys are seeing the same scene. I will see if I can get the same reaction without the choppiness.

As to the blood: The way I'm visualizing this is: Rick is seeing a green blob ahead of them that doesn't look like Ken. That's been nagging at him. He sees the blood and puts two and two together. He assumes (wrongly) that the blood and the mystery figure ahead of them are directly connected--that whoever is ahead of them is bleeding. That seems like a natural enough mistake to me. As to why he thinks the figure is a woman, the whole 'something up top Ken wouldn't have' bit should explain that. Hopefully. I would be interested in finding out if anyone else had problems with the logic here. If this puzzled you, please do let me know so I can try to find a way to make it clearer.

As to why Rick would assume Ken enjoyed hitting Char: The way I visualized it, Rick is actually being a little unfair to Ken here. He loathes Ken and assumes the worst in terms of Ken's motivations. I may not have made that clear enough. I'll reread after the contest and see if I can make this clearer.

As to the genre: Char blends the science fiction and crime genres. It isn't your cookie cutter crime novel, nor is it your cookie cutter science fiction novel, but I think it fits reasonably comfortably in either genre.

In any case, I'm glad you stopped by. I'm always interested in your opinions.

Terry Shaw: Thanks for stopping by, and I'm glad you enjoyed Char. You make a good point about Char being a little more 'natural' than someone from our time, and about Ken noticing that. I'll see if I can work that in next revision.

Wiaka: I would love to get Bear Country published, and I am working on it. I'll let you know if I make any progress on that. Thanks for taking a look at Char too.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
C A. Nov 30, 2007, 11:05am EST
Dale - you may not knowing, but you have pinpointed the exact problems I have with this.

You keep referring to the way you visualize this or that.

Great, terrific, mahvelous dahling!

Now make me visualize the same things!
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Stephen M. Nov 30, 2007, 11:13am EST
Great read ! hope to see more. DEAD LAWYERS is my entry, if you have a chance please give it a read.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Dale C. Nov 30, 2007, 2:27pm EST
C. A.: (Shrug) That's the writing process: Visualize the scene, pick out words to describe it so that the reader gets the same images.

Doing that well is like being on a tightrope. Spell things out for the reader too much and you insult their intelligence. Don't give them enough and they don't understand the scene the way you want them to. Part of the reason I entered the contest is to figure out places where I went too far one way or the other.

This is words on a page. If they do what I want them to do, fine. If they don't, I need to revise them. Simple as that. What is is. No ego involvement necessary.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
C A. Nov 30, 2007, 3:24pm EST
LOL, Dale!

And people who don't write think it's all so easy.

Make yourself an observer of the story as well - at least as much as you can - and then, by all means get out of your characters' way, and let them tell their stories to us.

You can do this. Your dialogue is proof of that.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
C A. Nov 30, 2007, 3:32pm EST
Case in point - primitive thought process in the first paragraph:

To Char, this felt all too real. But it couldn't be, could it? She died, of that she was certain. She had died in the raid.

It had to be that. But, if she had died then why did the spear wound in her leg hurt so? Why did this forest, so different from her own, seem so alive, so real?

This place was so strange, alien, frightening. Char wanted to close her eyes, to continue on to the after death place.

Voices came to her on the breeze, but the words had no meaning.

These are not The Real People, she thought. Where am I?

You see the difference? I became Char, so I reacted as Char. A reader could tell she was disoriented, and frightened, and that was just a few sentences.

That's what shifting a POV, and getting out of the way will do for you.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Dale C. Nov 30, 2007, 5:36pm EST
C. A.: That's wonderfully written, and I may see if I can incorporate a few lines of it.

Unfortunately, I can't write it the first part of the chapter that way. The problem is that the way Char reacts in that first section gives you key pieces of the puzzle that I haven't given you the framework to understand yet. A lot of the things you see as extraneous and/or klunky are things that will turn out to be vital. I'm handing you a bunch of puzzle pieces in this chapter, some of which you can fit into a picture and some of which you can't yet. There are things in this chapter where in chapter 12 or 16 you'll suddenly say, "Oh, that's what was going on." You may still think there's a better way of conveying it, but you'll understand what I was trying to do.

I'm impressed by the amount of time and thought you've put into this, and I would love to continue this discussion, but I suspect that if we keep it up here we may scare away other potential comments. Also, I don't want to give away too much of the plot in public place like this. I would love to hear more of what you have to say, but why don't we take it to Gather e-mail?
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Scott Wittenburg Nov 30, 2007, 10:42pm EST
This has a very unique feel to it that I haven't seen in the other entries. It is intriguing and shrouded in total mystery. I particularly like Char's thoughts and the way she describes her "enemies" and surroundings during the pursuit. The simple line, "Fear gave Char's legs speed," stuck out and made me smile. I almost felt like I was reading The Iliad again!

The dialogue among the guys is humorous and uncontrived, making the reader feel like he is right there observing a small bunch of friends engaged in an evening of sport. You have a very nice writing style and it was interesting the way you describe scenes from two different perspectives. Perhaps this is what seems so unique to me. At any rate, I can't help but wonder where this is going and look forward to reading more in Round 2. Good luck!

The May Day Murders - Chapter One
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Jill Lynn A. Dec 1, 2007, 12:38am EST
NICE! Dale, I think this is the first time I've made this comment on anything I've read after three Gather contests. Your writing has a rhythm that's very appealing. The way you juxtapose blunt sentences with detailed sentences makes for a very engaging read.

Good luck.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
terri molina Dec 1, 2007, 12:10pm EST
Hi Dale,

Thanks for inviting me to read and comment on you entry. To be honest, after the last contest I wasn't sure I wanted to read this entry (I know that sounds bad on my part, but I can't think of a less insulting way to say it.)

Anyway....This story is much stronger and better written than your entry in the last contest. You've done a great job of blending two genres together (Sci-Fi and crime). And this looks like a very promising story. Even has a Michael Chricton-ish feel to it. (which is my way of complimenting you.) ;-)

In my opinion this entry deserves to move onto the next round, for the simple reason that it's a good story. As for ready to publish, it could use some tightening.

You have a lot of repetitive words and need to find better word choices instead of repeating the same ones over within a paragraph (like stairs).
Don't use your dialogue tages before the dialogue, it's very distracting and makes it read like a tennis match.
Add a few more attributes so each character stands out more, right now there isn't much difference in their personalities (except for Ken).....you especially need them to break up long dialogue passages.
You have a few telling spots that could be better shown....for example His head slammed painfully onto to the floor at the foot of the stairs could be better written as His head slammed onto the floor, bright lights sparking behind his eyes (or something to that effect...you want to show his pain, not tell the reader it was painful)
There are a few more telling spots that could be fixed to keep from pulling the reader out of the character.

Anyway....all in all, I think this is a good story and, if the rest follows suit, will be a great book.

Best of luck to you.

Terri
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Ruth Luce Dec 2, 2007, 12:05am EST
"And now for something completely different....." I came in expecting one more crime/mystery novel, and you give me this, quite unlike any other-and that is a good thing! You certainly have the mystery going, crime well I hope I get to see, I am certainly dying to find out just where you are going with this. The difference in it from the others drew me in immediately, and kept me there. I very much want to read more, and I believe that is an intent of course, so great job! It was especially amusing to hear Char's take on unfamiliar objects, the flashlight for example made me laugh! And the guys were quite real to me as well, I certainly do not one little bit like that sleaze Ken, lol. From all the comments I have read it is evident I missed them, but this is a rare occasion I didn't notice any typos whatever. I generally always do no matter how good the story! One thing that had troubled me a bit, you have answered. There seemed to be pieces that had no bearing in the story, but I can see where they may be useful in some manner later in the novel. In summation, I quite liked this and don't really have any issues with it at all except to say that I sincerely hope that the usual crowd expecting the usual crime/mystery novel is not put off by the unique, and that I do indeed get to read more. Thank you for inviting me to read and comment, I enjoyed the opportunity!
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
David Rozansky Dec 2, 2007, 1:34pm EST
Dale,

Might I ask you to submit the story to our submissions editor. We are looking for mystery novels for 2008 publication. We are closed to mystery submissions right now, but I recognize a good story when I see one, so please go ahead and send it in. You can send it to submissions@FlyingPenPress.com. Make suer you state in your cover letter that I requested this story on Gather.com.

--David A. Rozansky
Publisher
Flying Pen Press
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Gigi K. Dec 2, 2007, 4:13pm EST
Dale, I like the way you've combined a character from another time with the present. It took me a while to figure out the "enemies" were playing paintball. Good characters - each with a distinctive voice and I loved the ending. Left me wondering what happened. Now I'll need to know more!
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Alison Pearce Dec 2, 2007, 7:46pm EST
Wonderful Dale! 10 from me! Good luck
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
C A. Dec 3, 2007, 12:19pm EST
Okay, Dale. Anytime you want to pick up the dialogue. :-)
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Vivian A. Dec 3, 2007, 8:07pm EST
Dale I was saving this for when my mind was clear and boy am I glad. This was fantastic! Nicely woven, I especially like how you interpret and relay several mindsets simultaneously regarding the same situation.

Leading me out one way and then changing the trail completely, good subterfuge.

You got me hanging- what happened?
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Amy D. Dec 3, 2007, 10:04pm EST
Dale, I enjoyed the read. Looking forward to chapter 2
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Beth H. Dec 3, 2007, 11:51pm EST
Dale, I think I passed you all my suggestions earlier. Definite improvement over the version from FC1. The pace has picked up, the personalities of the guys are more distinct and the end of the chapter is more suspenseful.

Someone else here mentioned word repetition. Definitely something to look at on your next read through. But you've set up the mystery well and given us a different kind of story.

Nicely done.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Sherrie Super Dec 4, 2007, 11:48pm EST
Intriguing premise! I enjoyed the contrast between Char and the modern characters. Nicely done!
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Gary M. Dec 5, 2007, 2:17pm EST
So now I know what you do besides open lounges and chat rooms and god knows what...you have a real instinct for crime fiction. Char is as original as they come...the guys are not quite there yet but they will come along. It is the blend of realities that startles and grabs the eye and the mind. Excellent. This is the second FC I have read by you - I hope to see some comments on The Angels before Dec 9th.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Kenna C. Dec 5, 2007, 3:25pm EST
Very unique and intriguing storyline - the style reminds me of the Gears, who write some of the most intricate stories.

In short, I loved it, though I agree that the beginning is a bit stilted, and the dialogue a little contrived (how do they know it blood? From a woman? - may want to flesh out the thinking here so it is more obvious to the reader) THere is work to be done, but the basis of the story is so new and interesting, that alone warrants a good rating.

Best of luck in the contest. Hope you'll stop by and check out my entry!

Kenna
Identity Crisis

I
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Jennifer C. Dec 5, 2007, 4:49pm EST
Excellent! So enjoyed reading this so far --- great writing! Good luck!
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Barbara C. Dec 6, 2007, 1:34am EST
Hi Dale,
Great writing as usual. I enjoyed the Bear Country submission and I believe I voted you an eight before I realized there is ten or nothing. I won't make that mistake again. Ten and good luck.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Karl Leuba Dec 6, 2007, 10:09am EST
Well, Dale, you asked for this, so I guess I will put up my "objections." You do great Science Fiction, so why are you entering a "Crime Novel" contest? I don't know the criteria for the contest so that comment may be out of line, but this is a science fiction story first, and I think your crime story is going to suffer greatly as a result. I feel like I am at a double feature movie where the projectionist has put up reel one of the first feature, then reel one of the second feature, and so on. I will see both movies, so I shouldn't complain, but If I came for the science fiction I could do without the crime movie and vice versa. OH, the double feature has a particular draw, Ethel Merman and Bogart star in both pictures.
I do think the concept can work, in fact more than work, if you shorten the chapters. mix them up more, so that the meld happens instead of being two parallel stories.
Just as an example, start with this, Their eyes were very wrong. They were at the end of stalks the length and width of her thumb and they let these enemies follow her even when the moon went behind a cloud. and go to the paint ball guys and the contemporary crime, then come back to the futuristic chase.
I may be reading this all wrong, and your strategy may be to merge the two stories, while I am suggesting divergence. If so, just ignore me till there is more down on paper. I really am at a loss though, Probably because you have come up with a very creative plot device and so far there has not been enough written for me to ferret out how you plan to keep the flow.

It is fascinating, and you do have my attention. Those are both major points in favor of the ten rating you get from me.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Leslie "Missy" T. Dec 6, 2007, 11:35am EST
I'm a little upset because I wasn't ready for it to be over yet! I wanted to keep reading. This is just awesome and you've got me anxious to see what happens next. This is very smooth reading and it kept my attention throughout the whole chapter. I hope you get to move on in this contest because I want to see what happens. Good luck.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Join Gather »
Already a member? Sign in
Haim Kadman Dec 6, 2007, 12:51pm EST
I like the original concept and style, the transitions between Char and her pursuers - and the dealing with moral issues at the same time. I'll be glad to read the next chapter, thanks Dale.
reply to this comment
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.