Some of my Off-Beat Humour

I hope that these make you smile a little.

Sing Along Time

Come now altogether in Sound of Music time :

Crowbars and hacksaws and bullet proof jackets
Unshaven baddies and all of their rackets
Bank notes and gold bars and nice diamond rings
These are some of my favourite things

A Simple Man's Love Poem

If you say love
I'll jump through a hoop
If you say love love
I'll loop the loop
If you say love love love
I'll be cock of the hoop
I always thought nothing could be worse
Than writing love things in verse

But if you say dance
I'll spare you a glance
If you say dance dance                                                                                                        I'll show my proud stance
If you say dance dance dance
I'll strut and prance
But please don't say love so soft and demur
Unless you want to see a big cat purr

The Boy Pretender

Once I never thought of them as boys or girls
Only saw that some had thin arms and curls
Then one day I realized what was a girl
Through a thigh exposed by a skirt's unfurl

She who had once been a tree climb contender
Now seemed unscratched and far more tender
So fill my glass Mr bartender
From this night on she's no boy pretender.

The Irish Dancer

I'm a tousled haired rover
With a four leaved clover
I razzle and I dazzle
Till the whole joint's a frazzle.

The high step hop, if you please
And flick each leg across the knees.

My feet tap like a herd on the run
But that's just me having fun
Think not that I can't do tango
Just slip a Daniels in my Mango

I'll Yodel For You

Should you call
I'll yodel in the mountain
If you sigh
I'll sing a fado by the fountain

If you walk
I'll throw petals on your path
If you're hindered
They'll feel the power of my wrath

If you thirst
I'll dream up an oasis
But if you smile
I'll feel so oscillacious

PS: Don't look it up. It's a new word. Patent pending

My Horse Drinks Wine on Saturday Night

Princess was truly of noble birth
With blood from Barbary Coast and Andalusia
From the same stock as the Lipizzaner
Of that elite Riding School of old Espana

For some reason she was of some darker hue
While the School demanded a pristine white
So I bought her cheaply as a playful foal
And thereby found a companion for my soul

As we dashed through fields and forests
Big Bambi eyes stared at us in sheer wonder
Perhaps best said by a wse old tortoise
"Man's OK but only when he rides on a horse"

But Saturday night was always special
I'd come to the arena with a flagon of wine
It all began when my Princess said "Nein
On Saturday night we only drink wine".

I'd fill her pail right to the brim
And pour myself a tumbler or two
She'd then nudge me gently on my shoulder
As her deep draughts made her feel bolder

Then an age old look would come to her eyes
And she'd trot to the middle of the pitch
Then pawing the ground with many a snort
She'd begin her evening of wild equine sport

She'd leap through the air as an Olympic champ
Front legs to the fore and back ones outstretched
Then she'd rise on her hind legs and remain there
As her front legs pawed and she drank in air

Then I'd play her favourite Latin number
And her eyes would sparkle with a fire
With four cross over steps in one direction
And back again done to perfection

Finally I'd lead her proudly to her box
And rub her down while humming her tune
Then with a farewell rub of her proud mane
I'd say "Princess you star, we'll do this again.