Here is the beginning of one of my novels.
This is my question. Do these opening words grab your attention? Do they hook you? Do you feel that you want to read on? Do you want to know more?
If they do, then I've succeeded in the first aim of a writer. Hook the reader.
Judge for yourself and let me know please. Thank you all.
CHAPTER 1
HAYA FLIES LOW (Very revised thanks to you all)
Forty two aircraft had left Greytown air station at dawn that morning. It was the third and final day of the annual President's Trophy air race. It was a competition that had all the glamour of a World Cup rugby match. Millions bought newspapers and watched TV to see what progress had been made and what drama had occurred.
Many of the Indian community were especially concerned with the performance of one of the competitors. She was a brilliant young Indian woman pilot. It seemed to them that Haya was taking far too many risks. This was now the third day that they had been told about her daring flying technique.
Sitting at the controls of a ten year old Beechcraft, Haya had a look of total confidence and determination. Next to her was Rob her navigator. His eyes were like those of a jungle animal. They were filled with awareness and were continually darting to the left and to the right, picking up landmarks and spotting potential dangers.
His voice was encouragingly calm as he kept on advising the pilot.
"Watch out for those power lines at eleven o'clock. Watch out for those power lines. The spans are long and the lines are sagging in this hot climate" or "keep your eyes on those pine trees ahead. They're fully grown. Tall as hell."
She began humming a few notes of a pop melody and then gave Rob a challenging look.
"Don't you agree Rob? Isn't this race the thrill of a lifetime? Under the power lines and then whoop over the tree tops? Can there be a bigger thrill?"
There was a trace of irony in her voice.
Rob's enthusiasm was mixed with a little concern.
"Haya, I can say honestly that in all my 35 years of flying, I've never experienced anything like this. Your flying skills are superb. You've shown that, but don't you know that you're making me prematurely grey?"
As he smiled he continued to carefully to look studiously to the left and right.
She nodded her head and laughed as well.
"Oh Rob...I'm sorry to hear that but greying temples would really suit you, you know. Anyway you know that we have to make the most use of the so-called ground effect. That's why we have to fly at just three meters above ground level."
"I understand that Haya. We have to catch those reflected pressure waves and try and gain those extra 5 or 6 knots."
She shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly.
"Nothing ventured nothing gained, I suppose. Isn't that so?"
Rob looked at her and grinned broadly. "And that's why we're among the first five, hey?"
As he looked at her he was dismayed to see a change suddenly come over her. He saw her face seem to freeze and her eyes go blank. Her only movement was a purely instinctive touching of her forehead with her hand.
Rob almost shouted at her. "Haya what the hell is going on? What's the matter with you?"
Then he breathed a sigh of relief as she turned towards him. He could see that she was shocked.
"It's OK Rob. It's OK. It was just a moment. I began to see double. It's nothing really. It'll be fine, you'll see."
Not long after that she began to mutter incoherently. He was horrified to see that she had blanked out again and this time it really looked serious. He shouted at her desperately.
"Hey Haya. For god's sake, wake up. What's happening? Wake up will you!"
As he reached out to shake her shoulder she somehow recovered a little. Perhaps it was a demonstration of her superb physical condition due to her hours in the gym and on the road. She began to speak softly but with a certain amount of determination.
"Listen Rob. We've got trouble. I'm can't go on and I'm going to ditch her. Hold tight. It's going to be rough. I know the drill. I'm going to do a regulation emergency landing. Please sit tight and hold on."
Fortunately Haya's flying skills had been honed by countless hours of emergency training sometimes under very tricky conditions. She was thus prepared for and able to go through go through the standard procedure for an emergency landing. She did this acting mainly on instinct.
***
Elsewhere, far away in a remote part of South Africa, Jason had arrived at and been allowed to enter the secret military base at Hoedspruit. He was given permission to pass through the well guarded tunnel to the top secret complex known as the "Red Area". Once there he was able to open the security door by placing his finger in a finger print detector.
Jason was in Hoedspruit in order to attend a series of lectures on high tech military equipment. The lecture that particular day was on visual aids for military personnel. The instructor was a veteran of many bush skirmishes and a few full blown battles.
"I want you all to listen. The side that comes out on top is not always the one with the most men or has the best generals or even the most powerful guns. No Sir! This is today. It's technology that wins. So do you gentlemen want to come out on top? Come out alive? Win the battle? Then get the best technology that you can lay your hands on and learn how to use them."
"And that brings me to the subject for today. Visual aids."
"We have two kinds of visual aids. One is for visual enhancement. You use them on a foggy day or when your target is some distance away. Using these glasses, whatever you are just able to see is made more distinct by the built in electronics."
"The next aid is for night vision. If you can see what the enemy can't, you have an advantage, not so? An advantage that can win the battle and save your life. It's again done by electronics but this time using infra red technology."
Jason listened intently. He knew that some day his own life and possibly the lives of his colleagues might depend on what he would learn that day.
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Comments: 67
There are a few minor grammar errors, which you will surely find upon re-reading...
I'm so happy about that. I'll continue with a little more of this story. I hope that you keep on liking it.
Oh dear...grammar errors. Thank you for telling me. Let me look for them.
From now on the story really starts. You know something very important about the two protagonsts and perhaps you'll enjoy getting to know them better.
I'm glad that your interest has been aroused. Thank you for that.
and personally my fav parts are going to be the combo of this Indian woman and a South African Hero...:)
And Marge...you were hooked too? Great. I hope it stays that way.
Doing that gives the writer a real boost...almost like Dandelion wine.
I hope that the next chapter or two will still hold your attention. Go well.
PS I read your great article. Wow.
The story is about Haya, Jason and Ramesh. Rob doesn't really play a role. He's just the navigator. Chapter 2 will reveal the main relationships which are a bit unusual,
Please read on dear.
I think that Haya is a beautiful name. Someone said that it's a call to dance.
Romance is in the air but all is not what it seems. Things happen.
I read your amazing story in the mystery genre. Very good Reena.
I'm so glad that your interest was stimulated and held.
Ich weiss wie romantisch du eigentlich bist. Yes it's in the romantic genre story but there's also lots of heavy drama on the way. Stay tuned dear.
Love Fred
I wish HAYA to get the best in her life.
Sun rises
Seabirds twitter
Palm fronds flitter
Warm waves glitter
Sand crabs skitter
Sun rises
Roosters
Turkeys
Maharani
Haya
your article
God bless you
To be shy hmmmmm??? Well she is shy but nevertheless very dynamic. Her shynees is not the kind that prevents her from achieving. Thank you for the info.
Happy Diwali yesss!!!!
M of the S is my own unique title...but the book is not published yet. I've been waiting for me to learn the finest arts of writing first.
The creative side of writing comes early but the correct style of writing takes a while to be perfected.
Don't worry. I'll look after Haya.
Hey I liked your early mornng poem. God bless you.
I am not trying to be the expert, nor am I trying to be ingratiating because you are a valued connection of mine here on Gather... just something I want to say, because I see a fabulous story here. The language I felt could be a bit more on the elaborate side, what I read just now was not sparkly enough. Not that reading your words should become some form of brain exercise, I feel that you should probably describe the weather and the landscape a little, have a bit of a general broader introduction before talking about either Haya or Jason...
That is such a valuable comment. I agree fully with you and it's good that you mention it.
This is the way I see it. This first chapter just sets the scene on a very dramatic note. It's crisp and minimalised. Later you'll see that what you suggest is provided.
Later when things occur you'll see that what you're asking for is given.
I loved this positive criticism. It's excactly what I'm looking for.
I disagree with Shruthi though.
This is not a poem, so I like direct simple descriptive words. Unpretentious?
That is only my humble opinion.
This is how I regarded this very brief first chapter. It's as if the author is introducing the story or that it's a newspaper account of the event.
Let me assure you that in the rest of the novel it's much much more show than tell.
Well done. As an experienced author you immediately picked that up. Good for you.
I think that you and Shruthi are both right. I wanted to keep things simple in chapter 1 but I will describe more in the following chapters.
Your opinion is not humble to me. It's very important.
I think this story may well develop in a love story with pleanty of excitment....
Thank you Fred
Lots of potential for the story here though.
I also agree with Colleen, however, that your first part may be too short in an effort to "hook" your reader. I think the whole thing about coming back from double vision, then being blanked out is confusing, and derails the sense of intrigue for the reader. Perhaps if you helped us to see more of the action, in terms of the landing process, the danger, the "auto-pilot" moves Haya goes through, it would help to build the suspense while fleshing out the two characters and the scene. You could still leave before the conclusion, of course.
I might continue saying that the second scene is also good, and widens the scope of the story, but I still feel like I've jumped too quickly to new characters. If Jason is involved in something compelling, it might overshadow the brief bit about Haya and Rob.
However, you are an excellent writer, and I trust that in the end, all these people will be full-grown, real folks, with appeal and interesting twists and turns in their tale. I can hardly wait to read more.
You'll get Chapter 2 tomorrow (Tuesday). Watch this space. Thank you for your visit.
Yes man and woman here on earth are different...but souls do meet. I think that when they do, they give us a foretaste of what our lives will be later.
This story is about two people who bound at soul level and no matter what happens they feel bonded. I know that you'll understand this.
Salut Marinela
Yuo have a most brilliant intuition. Well done.
I hope that you're doing well with those non-Gather things.
I'm glad that you're hooked. I'd love to get more of your opinions as the story goes on.
Next chapter coming up Marge. Stay tuned.
You raise a good point here but this is the essence of "the hook". You now know that Haya is a great pilot that has been chosen above men pilots to fly in the Presidents Trophy Air Race. So you have two questions.
How did she get there and what has happened to her? This interest tat you now have is the hook. You'll have to read on or never know the answers.
That's what these writers do, They don't tell their stories in a nice orderly way. They do things to make you fret. *smile*
Of course you will ask these relevant questions and you will as usual make me think very deeply.
All of the questions that you ask will be aswered. A few chapters later. Not too many later. Let me reassure you that from now on there will be no more disturbing let downs.
The story will now begin and develope very well...but any author would love the reader to be haunted by the idea that she's going to have this accident even as she scales heights as never before by an Indian woman pilot in SA earlier on.
The double vision and blanking out out are symptoms of a brain tumour.
Rob is of no importance except that his conversation helps with the "show don't tell" part of the writing. The reader can see the scenery through his words.
I'm explainng all this not to give the game away but because this article is really about the art of story writing.
Thanks for your points made Tom.
I hope the next part is equally dramatic..and as everybody seems to think--romantic too :)
You raise important issues and I had to think very deeply about them.
These are some of my thoughts.
I'm not sure what you mean by "opening style" but I'll assume that it's the content of Chapter 1, in my case.
This is how I'll approach any publisher. He reads the three Chapters (mine are on the sort side) that I give him or he doesn't see my manuscript. That's it. In these three Chapters I hope that he'll see plenty to induce him to publish or not.
You see Carol, I'll pay for my publishing. I'll sign a total contract for publishing, free copies, international marketing, e-book preparation, an authors web site and several on-line marketing links.
I'll do this because I want that ongoing dynamic marketing. A good book not marketed well can so easily flop.
Thank you for making me think and getting my thoughts in line, Carol.
I'm so glad that you got that vivid picture. That's what I want the reader to see in his mind. The implication that she's a brilliant success and for a mysterious reason fails.
They should be asking "how can this be happening?"...as you have done.
The combination of the meanings of Hayaat and Haya is absolutely thrilling. She's all of those things. Thanks for telling me this. The right name came to me in a mysterious way. That's so wonderful for me to know.
Romantic??? hmmm...this Jason is a problem. More later.
I want to get back to a point that you made earlier on Nov 9...about showing and not telling.
Showing means gettinh nside your characters and presenting the action and their emotions as they see it.
Telling is marrating from the outside as if you are a spectator looking at the scene. Everything that you experience is second hand, as it were.
Now some narration is allowable in a novel because it is sometimes just too awkward to see a landscape through a protagonist's eyes.
In the beginning of Chapter 2 there is much telling...as the landscape of Natal is described. I think that it's unavoidable and therefore allowable. In any case, it's become common practise to do this kind of descriptive narration.
Haya is a beautiful name for your Heroine .. your first chapter hooks the reader and make him eagerly go to chapter two..there is just a hint of whats coming , it leaves lot of questions and still give you enough idea of the direction of the story ..
great going ....
P.S ..I am going to chapter 2 ..:-)
this is all telling, the narrator point of view, not the heroine:
No sooner had she spoken then the condition suddenly somehow cleared up on its own and she was once more able to guide the aircraft safely over the tree tops. The ever observant Rob had noticed her moment of confusion and was busy speaking to her when he saw to his horror that she seemed to have blanked out.
Fortunately Haya's flying skills were honed through countless hours of sometimes under very tricky conditions. She could thus instinctively go through the standard procedure for an emergency landing. It was as if she had, during the descent, gone into a personal auto pilot emergency mode.
Showing,
She had spoken, the condition cleared up. With goose bumps forming on his skin, Rob began to watch her descent, (here you are showing that rob is horrified).
what I am saying is that a big publishing house does not want to see that anymore and they will not read it,
I know from experience trust me on this,
but if your aim is a small publishing house, independent, pod or vanity or small press it is acceptable, it really does depend upon the market you are looking for.
I'm glad that you liked the name Haya.
I wanted to raise enough interest in the first few pages to give the reader enough curiosity to carry on.
Thanks for telling me that it worked for you. Makes me happy.
I see clearly what you're getting at.
That example of "showing" is really good. I'm going to give it a good study. I'm sure that there's a lot for me to learn here.
I'm going to a rather large POD but I MUST consider sales. I have to write in a way that makes people to want to read it at night, in cafes and on buses. I must have the right approach.
And so I'm listening carefully to your words and I'll soon be doing some radical editing.
Thank you Carol. Much appreciated.
How and when ....well ...I am waiting Fred.
I hope you find the time to read my poem 'Insinuation'. I think you'll like the raw emotions in it. Sorry, it's not romantic. The responses to this poem have been, in some cases, more emotional than the poem.
There's much that I want to say here. I've been doing some deep thinking and reading up.
I think that I've made some mistakes with my Chapter 1 (and 2 BTW) and I want to tell you about that.
At the moment, I'moing some very urgent engineeing work and I just don't have a moment to spare. But I'll be back soon Give me a day or two. Bless you all.
Take care
First of all I had to rewrite this Chapter 1. After this I'll post Chapter 2
I've learned so much from all these wonderful comments. I was making a few serious errors.
Thanks for you dear patience.
Count me in as one of those learners. I'll always be one I know.
Your kind words inspire me to do better. Thank you for them
Now let me go and visit your site..but first let me say welcome again..
Carol you went out of youer way to tell me more and more about show don't tell.
When I unwisely defended my writing you persisted with your wonderful advice based on your own experience.
Thank you Carol. You've helped a fellow traveller and I'm glad that it was me this time.
Go well...Fred
Well, an Indian married to a German is definitely curious as to what the pretty Indian in yr story is going to end up with??? I guess, there`s some love triangle about to cook.........Perhaps?
I wish you all the best, Fred!
How happy I am to see you again. Welcome welcome. I miss you so much.
Yes there is a triangle but there is a fourth force. Destiny is about to test the trueness of the love that it finds brewing. The two will not find it easy...but aren't the best swords made in the greatest heat?
I wish you all the best too. If you can please read the rest. It would be wonderful to stay in touch.
Yes! I`ll try to keep in touch.