Photos of the Stillborn

Photographs of the stillborn?

The Victorians practiced post mortem photography it's not so morbid as one might think. It was their way of having a photo of their loved ones (many did not have a photo taken until in death) but why not have it also be a way to remember in the modern day?

I think such a portrait is beautiful It hard to lose a little onbe and I know you never stop thinking of them Hugs for you Pamela

It is a somewhat odd but persistent Southern tradition that there be lots of photos of bodies in caskets taken for the family - but they are never taken in the church. When my great-grandfather died two years before I was born, there were seemingly dozens of pictures taken and enlarged to 8x10 photos. I "saw" my great-grandfather when I was old enough to carefully turn the pages of a picture album and I was told who he was. But as a child (three or four) death was not a fully understandable thing and I spent years visiting my great-grandmother but never seeing my great-grandfather. I was in school before I attended a funeral and learned the meaning of death and why I had never seen him. Just make sure the person viewing the pictures of the dead understand the truth of the matter.

I certainly don't think it is mobid Pamela. In fact, I think it is terribly important. Those children had names and life and love in your womb. Many studies indicate that an unborn child even recognises familiar voices, therefore they are truly alive.
I am so sorry for your loss and I believe that I would be one of those people who simply couldn't find the words to express my sorrow. Thank you for sharing this painful memory with us as it may touch someone who needs your words right now.

Good article, difficult topic. Thanks.

I think it's a personal matter, whether the mother wishes to have such a reminder. I, too, was given photographs of my son and I was sent into a state of shock and disbelief. After all that I had been through, the photos of my son dressed in a sweater and cap, laying in the morgue, was simply too much for me to process. Still is...I have them, but have put them away and haven't viewed them since they were presented to me at the hospital. Personally, I didn't need a photo, his perfect little face is ingrained in my memory for all time, I think that a photo of a decomposing child is morbid and cruel.

I'm terribly sorry for your loss, Pamela, I can offer no words of comfort, as you pointed out, there really aren't many that us mere mortals can offer, all I can say is that I understand. I'm glad you have found your way on the path to healing, you're right, the wound heals but the scar remains.

My mother died very recently. My husband took photos of her about 2 hours after she died. It's not something I would do, as it is not a custom of my family, but I can understand that other people have learned other ways that are not meant to be disrespectful. I particularly see that a photo of a stillborn child might be wanted by his/her parents. They would not, after all, have had any opportunity to take photos before the child's death. Everyone can't remember facial details well. I know I can't, no matter how many times I saw the person. I remember their presence, their warmth, their voice perhaps, and only a general facial image. If I see a pciture the memory comes back in a rush, however.

I don't think it's morbid, Pamela. I see how it would be comforting.

I have a friend whose first child was stillborn, a beautiful girl. He carries a picture of her in his wallet, along with his two living childrens pictures.

I'm so sorry for your losses. I lost a baby to a miscarriage over 3 years ago. I wish I had gotten the chance to meet my child and hold her, and see what she looked like....but I never did. I don't think the photos you have are morbid, I think you're very lucky to have them to remember your beautiful babies.

My heart goes out to you. I know the loss never goes away.

So sad. It's not morbid. It's all you have left of them except for the memories.

Heart-wrenching to think about. So sad but certainly not morbid.

Thank you for sharing about your loss. I am glad that you got a chance to parent.

I lost a baby too, I was lucky it was my 2nd, so I had my first to hug. I came to terms with everything a little while after my third was born. I do believe he was the baby I was meant to have. I just hope that the lost baby is better off, although I'm still a little pissed. *sigh* I saw the baby and now I can't get the image out of my head, it makes me sad because he or she looked so perfect on the screen. Why wasn't there a heartbeat?! Ok I'm gonna go before I cry - but yes this would have been the lost baby's 1st birthday this month. :-(

Well written article. I see nothing wrong with remembering your children with photos. I would have liked to have seen one of my brother who died when he was 2 days old.

How very sad to lose your children in this way. I do see why some kind of remembrance would give you some solace.

I have to agree with Vicky...

I think if the photos help you thats all that matters.

It must be a difficult feeling to conquer--losing two babies. As a mother, I can only imagine what you must have gone through..all the months of preparation, excitement, waiting...

Hugs ....

I only had one son, I cannot begin to imagine what it would have been like to lose him

Pamela, I can't imagine what it's like to lose a child! I'm sure you'll always remember, and feel the pain of that loss. I think it's ok to remember with pictures, if you choose that method, to help retain the babys' placement in your life.

On one hand, I would like to have a photo of my older brother, that died in Moms' arms, just 6 weeks old; but, on the other hand, even though I didn't mind people taking pictures of my dad at his funeral, I didn't want any for myself.

It comes down to personal choice, and there is no 'wrong' way.

Pamela:
I believe it is right for you to remember your sons as human beings who were members of the family, still are members of the family, and forever will be. With all there is to a human being: a name, a face, a personality.
Cheers

Pamela. I don't think it is morbid either. I just lost my mother and I took pictures of her in her casket. It all goes back to our Italian heritage and things in our families achieves already. I am so sorry for your loss.
God Bless and TY for sharing this.

Pamela I too am sorry for such deep losses. No words but a simple but important sorry can be given. But I know people just silently caring do give support. I live in a small town and when I hear of a miscarriage or still born baby I write a brief card to them. I tell them I too had a loss and I am thinking about them in ther deep loss. In trying to help others it helps me. By the way don't forget the fathers are hurting too!

I am sorry for your loss and if it comforts you to have a picture of your baby then you keep this picture. No one can know what you have been through and are going through unless they have been there!!!!

I am as well sorry about your loss but in my eyes it is your life and if you want pictures of your babies you have that right. Regardless of wheter it is alive or not

I don't think it's morbid. I have a portrait/picture of my stillborn baby girl hanging on our wall with the rest of our children. She is as much a part of our family as any of them and I want everyone to know that. It hurts at times to see her and wonder what she would be like today, but she has helped strengthen our marriage and grow us up in a way that nothing else could have done.

Bless you, Pamela for sharing!

Jennifer,

This idea of Victorian mortem photography is indeed very interesting. Thanks for sharing.

Vivian,

I agree- I think of them mostly at holidays…TY a lot

Donna,

That southern tradition continues to this day. I have seen them taken in couches and nowadays I have seen a return to laying out people on couches and chaise lounges…ty much

Alison,

Thanks for your note—over time the memory doesn't upset me as much but it still brings tears to my heart every so often. Thanks.

Ron,
Ty- appreciate your thoughts.

Stacey,
My sons were dead but not decomposing in any way you could discern by any means. Thanks for your comments.

Barbara,

Ty for sharing this thoughtful insight and appreciate it. You have my sympathy in the loss of your mother.

LL d'Merle,

Thanks for you reading and your note.

Donna B,

Thanks for sharing this.

Jill,

Even though you have no pictures I am sure you hold a special picture of her in your heart…

Debbie,

Thanks for your comments-appreciate your taking the time.

Ina,

I so agree-morbid it is not!

Elizabeth,

I agree…see above!

Patricia,

Thanks for the read and the comments.

Ghostly,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts in what must be a very difficult time for you.

Marianne,

Thanks very much-sorry for the loss of your brother.

Vicky,

Yes they can be a great comfort.

Charlotte,

It was sad but I grew from the experience. Took a while…


donna,

And I have to agree with both of you!!

Lori,

Thanks very much.

Minnie,

You are right—thanks.


Carol,

Appreciate your thoughts.


Virginia,

Personal choice---so true.


Hajo,

Thanks for reading and for sharing your thoughts.

Janet,

Sorry about the loss of your mother. .Thanks for sharing.

Bert,
I salute your compassion.

Phyllis,

Appreciate your kind words.

Sonia,

Thanks so much.

Tab,

Thanks for reading and sharing your feelings.

I've never stopped loving the ones
whom I now call my faraway sons....

Love to you all!!!

my brother and his girlfriend lost twins at 20 weeks about 6 years ago. They have two boys now, but never moved past the experience they shared. They have the photos, which I have seen. I wish they would have gotten some help when this happened.

Im sos orry that this happened to y ou-twice. you are in a good place, and keeping the photo isnt nuts because you have lived beyond it. you are in my thoughts :)

Ty Amylee--

We did not look at our first stillborn son. I held my stillborn daughter in my arms, she was buried in the arms of her mother who did not survive the complications of the birthing. I believe it is a personal choice as to what works best for you. We named both, Laddie Jedickiah and Lassie Mariah. Its hard for some to look back.

Pamela, though my loss was not stillborn, I miscarried just after my first trimester, but my heart is with you, as I wasn't able to conceive after that. It is definitely your right to grieve and process your loss in your own way... Blessings ;)

George,
How much I appreciate your sharing your thoughts here.

TK,
Thanks for this.

Sorry for your loss, Pamela. It must be terrible to lose babies at full term, when you're so sure they're going to be born. I have had too many miscarriages to mention, but the latest one was at 16 weeks (that was the first one, and a complete shock).

Pamela, in my Church, the status of stillborns is unclear. If the Spirit became attached to the child before it was born, then it gets a straight shot of Salvation -- since we cannot tell for sure whether the Spirit became attached we don't know if there was a death. Church members are, however, urged to keep records regarding stillborns as the question will eventually be answered by He who knows. I have a personal testimony regarding ours and have sensed their presence from time to time at special spiritual occasions like baptisms and ordinations. We are a family centered Church and believe family ties are eternal. That can at times make for odd situations in the case that happened to me. For example, I was left with 6 kids ages three through 13 -- some of the youngest were upset in thinking that their mother loved Laddie and Lassie (the stillborns) more than them and went on ahead to be with them. That required a fair number of discussions to get that out of their heads.

Aniko,

You have my sympathy. TY for sharing.

George
TY for sharing your interesting perspective.

I am so glad that these days they allow parents of stillborns and even of late abortions time to grieve and a grave to visit. In the old days that was not always so and that added to the grief. Important issue you bring up here

I know that when we lose a child part of us goes with them and the scar left behind is alway there to remind us of the pain. If something brings comfort and helps us manage the pain, it is a good thing to have.

Trine,

Thanks for your insight.

Jimmy,

Ty for your observation.

I believe there was also a tradition of making a porcelain doll from a plaster cast to honor babies and young children. Everyone pays tribute in their own way and as family tradition dictates. What may seem morbid to some, isn't to others.

I'm sorry for your loss and I'm in favor of whatever brings comfort to get you through a very difficult time.

I have an older brother who died when he was three days old. My mother (or someone) took a picture of him in his tiny little baby casket and reprints must have been made because I know other relatives also have that picture of Michael. My mother said that it was the only thing she had to remember him by - that and his tiny little hospital bracelet, which I now have and treasure because he was the brother that I never knew.

Sorry to be late to the thread...

I'm a perinatal pathologist (I take those photos, in additional to diagnosing what went wrong).

In spite of reassurances from the nursing staff, I always thought the practice of providing a "memory box" with baby photos and footprints must be disturbing to the family.

I'm glad to know they have some value.

I think it's perfectly normal to want a photograph of someone you loved and lost, its the only photograph you'll have of them so it's a treasure. My best friend has her granddaughters photograph. She died within a day of being born. It's on her wall with her other grandchildren as it should be.Whatver helps to heal your heart that's good.