.
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I am bursting with excitement and joy.
I want to share with Gather readers and every person in the world the remarkable transformation that has occurred in my life since I recognized that I was a captive of evil, repented of my many sins and errors, and accepted Bush as my own personal President.
The story begins with my descent into fear and despair.
You know the sad tale: the world is dying, while the rich grow fatter; the "righteous" are slaughtering the innocent; the "'just" are defending crimes, while the fearful are choosing to live in slavery.
I was morally and ethically compromised in every way for living in a manner that could not be justified, and for accepting the blood on my hands.
Nothing I could do made any difference; the hopes I placed in vain things like "democracy" and "free speech" and "political activism", and "direct protest" and "Democratic Party"were all disappointed.
These vanities were unable to accomplish anything, and only increased my despair.
In my misery and wretchedness, the mysterious workings of Providence led me to a missionary tract so simple and elegant in it's expression of eternal truths that it changed my life forever.
The Four Psycho-Political Spiritual Laws changed my life, and can change your life, too.
1. George Bush has a wonderful Plan for my Life.
2. My stubborn refusal to acknowledge His omnipotence creates all my grief and misery.
3. The only way out of this dilemma is to accept Him as my own Personal President.
4. Acknowledging Bush as My Own Personal President gives me new ways of seeing the world and the nature of reality.
I prayed the liberal sinner's prayer:
"O God, there is nothing I can do to end this misery and frustration. I accept George Bush as my Own Personal President and believe that He will give me the gifts I need to live successfully without guilt and shame."
And, at once, a miracle occurred!
Instantly, I was flooded with light. In the distance, I could hear a vast choir singing, "The Battle Hymn of the Republic".
I knew at once that the new reality was given to me.
All my life I had been decieved by false gods and myths.
I thought, (and this is incredible and hysterical to me now), that God was concerned with the attributes of His nature: truth, justice, mercy, freedom, grace, and love.
What a fool I was.
Accepting George Bush as My Own Personal President showed me how deluded and decieved I had been.
God isn't concerned with love, justice, truth, mercy, freedom, and grace; my own Personal President has convinced me that God is Power. Power is all that matters.
And I have been happy ever since.
Copyright 2007, Wimsey Productions
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Comments: 89
But, you're going to hell for this.
Wait until you hear Rudy's offer!
Richard, I am singing less of "Amazing Grace" and a lot more "Praise the Lord, and Pass the Ammunition."
I already had breakfast.
Ina, I have no fear.
Since I have found my Personal President, I no longer inhabit the ordinary "real world".
We are creating our own reality.
Now, I have the example of my Personal President who creates His own reality.
While nothing can disturb my faith in my own personal President, I hear chants in far off places: "There is no god but god and Rudy is his prophet."
Peter, this might very well be the most stunning, beautiful, flawless piece of satire I have seen, anywhere, ever. I stand in awe. Now, to get back into character...)
Amen! I say, A-MEN, my sav-ed brother! Sing it with me:
I saw the light! I saw the light! No more darkness, no more night! Now I'm so happy, no sorrow in sight -- Praise the Lord! I saw the light!
Locally, there are some 12-step meetings folks attend for this sort of thing, as it's so easy to slip back into the Path of Erroneousnessticity. Check your paper for listings in your area.
I fear that you have left us all behind now. Not many are brave enough to take the step that you have! (I'm using the term 'brave' rather than several other adjectives that came to mind.)
Anya, it is my mission to win more converts.
Thank you Peter ..............................;-).
Will you save me a seat next to you, Kris?
Wouldn't a burning bush do as well, Sandy?
How about a burning bush on a cross, Ruth?
Thanks, Kris. I hope we can hear Bill's sax from there.
I almost backslid right out of grace when I read this comment.
Very witty.
A burning Bush would be equally impressive, Dame Ruth.
I am thinking of moral justifications for removing the really annoying sparkly butterfly.
I did not add a Warning about these items being subject to instant removal -and the wide-load that posted it will be sure to complain all over any other article I publish.
But, her idiocy has driven a lot of traffic to articles in the past, so it is not entirely bad.
When I began to see everything in a shiny new light, the vision did not include sequined creatures beside really ugly faces.
Thank You, Lisa D.
Be sure to leave copies of the Four Psycho-Political Spiritual Laws with everyone.
Will you be accepting any ambassorships, directorships, or FOB positions?
I have to go wipe up the Dr Pepper that shot out my nose when I read this. It burns. hee.
Fortunately for me, my personal President does not require very much in the way of education, experience, or judgement,
When the call comes, I will be ready.
But now, I have seen the power of Power - and I worship at the altar of Power.
Deluded, LL?
I have never seen things so clearly since my conversion.
"Bite the dust"?, Michelle.
I am feasting on milk and honey, or (Nut & Honey cereal, in a pinch).
Amen, Donna, amen. I have seen the light - every thousand points of them.
What's with this "pointy stick" heresy?
We are the "big stick" people.
No evil shades of grey, no suspicious moral reasoning, no dialogue with sinners -we have a stick and we are going to use it.
I see it all now, but I'm still a heretic. I like my stick.
Why do you hate America?
Are you an Islamofascist?
Stephanie, i wouldn't poke if I were you.
My personal President is one bad day away from launching a missionary effort to Iran.
All in the name of humanity, I'm sure, saving us pointy stick people from our selves via cluster bombs. You'd better check that bandaid for white powder. We heretics are a dangerous lot, with our virtual pointy sticks.
Lyndon, of course it will be a ballistic "mission."
To my personal President, that means prostelyzation with balls!
(could be testifying)
Peter, the flashing butterfly is dangerous to my health.
After several months of merry and intelligent posting, I had hoped for the extinction of the big-assed butterfly pusher.
I've always thought "Big Lots" was the best American name for a store ever. It just sums up consumerism so neatly.
Big,
Lots.
Have you seen the ad where #1 Mom explains how Wall-Fart holds her precious, loving, in-the-spirit-of-Merry-Christmas we'd-rather-be-on-the-corner-smoking-crack-than-here-with-you family together by offering a BIGGER THAN LIFE television at a child-labor-wages cost that she can afford? I might need a new television myself if they show that perfect example of hypocrisy too many times before
Camping For Christ Day.
This method can also be helpful in determining certain flawed politicians. Like, if the stick pokes right through them, you know your politician has no substance. If they suddenly deflate to a third their normal size you know they were either full of s**t (if they leave a noxious trail) or full of hot air (if it's just a noxious smell). If you dip your stick in holy water and it sticks into someone with a horrific cauterizing sound and smell, you've probably found Dick Cheney, but the bad news is that there is no way to destroy him - no place to stick the stake. If the stick shatters on contact, you have found a politician of black hole density. Unfortunately, such critters can't be moved and, if the number becomes too high in Washington DC, we might just want to give the place a decent burial and start a new city somewhere else.
Americans unite and take your pointy sticks in hand. Remember, if your politicians squeal when you poke 'em, there's still hope they can be sent back to a path with some promise.
Stephanie, a "pointy stick test" might provide useful information for potential voters.
I have serious doubts about the ability of even a mob of pointy stick citizens to herd politicians onto the straight and narrow way.
Excellent satire!
Your life would be much different if you had heard this message.
Do you mean that you have NOT accepted George Bush as your own personal President?
Another drunk Republican leader "accidentally" has sexual contact with a guy.
This is a huge problem, about which more Republican men like myself need to be aware.
I will bring it up in our Men's Group at Church tomorrow.
I'm sure some of the men are not sufficiently conscious of this spreading problem!
It seems to be happening everywhere, good religious men finding themselves inexplicably in the middle of a sexual experience that occurred accidentally.
Something must be done.
Maybe a ribbon campaign, if all the colors haven't been taken.
That way you can send a clear message before accidental sexual behavior occurs without advertising to other young republicans that you think they might be prone to such clumsiness.
I'll see what the men in the Bible Study group think about it.
This is what makes the problem of Deniable Accidental Involuntary Sex so complicated.
G.M. Lupo, My Personal President is hard to understand, but I can see His lips moving. Hallelujah.
Ann, I am so glad to be numbered among the saints that I can hardly stand it.
#1: "Excuse me, sir -- you are invading my personal space!"
#2: "Well, DUH!"
Please tell us more about Deniable Unacceptable Handling , especially in it's relationship to "moral values" and alcohol consumption.
There are many very clever quips in this Comment thread.
I'm sorry I missed your comment.
I am still new to life as a disciple of Bush, Marilee.
I am not sure what I do after next November.
I hope you enjoyed it.
He walked on water: "Mission Accomplished."
He raised the dead: "The economy is strong."
He healed the sick: Walter Reed.
I could go on but my tummy is queazy....
See, Sam, my Personal President is a President of miracles
Too bad you didn't stuff him in a locker.
This is not a viewpoint discrimination, there was no viewpoint at all.
There was no comment, no argument, no thought at all.
It was only a distraction.