The Night From Hell

My daughter, who will be 15 next month, was brought home last night by the police; I had taken her to her friend's house at 5:30 with strict instructions to be home by 8:30.  I even went in and met the parents of said friend, as I had allowed Hannah to do a few things with this boy's parents as "chaperones" over the weekend, and felt like I should at least meet them rather than talk to them on the phone.  Well, 8:30 rolled around, and no Hannah.  I gave her a few extra minutes in which to arrive before I called their house, but no Hannah.  At 8:45 I called the boy's cell phone number-no answer.  I called his home phone and again, no answer.  Every ten minutes for the next half and hour, I called boht numbers to no avail.  Finally, at 9:30, I went over the the house to get her.  When I pulled up, the house was dark, and I pounded on the door for at least 5 full minutes, and no one came to the door.  After that, I drove sround for a little while thinking I might see the two of them walking around somewhere, but of course I didn't find them.  I went home and called the numbers one more time, and then began calling all of her friends, none of whom had seen or talked to her since school let out.  Can you imagine the thoughts that were running through my head?  At 10:30, I ended up finally calling the police, who came over and took a report about it (rolling their eyes throughout, assuming that this was just something that kids DO.  And maybe they do, but I have NEVER had an issue like this with Hannah; this was certainly not anything more than a parent who suddenly doesn't know for sure where her daughter is, this daughter who has always been excellent about calling to let me know where she is and if plans are going to change or if she is going to be late).  Finally, at 11:00, they came back with her in tow.  My first emotion was one of extreme relief-she was home, safe.  then, of course, the anger set in, and it is still simmering just below the surface.

She was still at this boy's house; the police went there and banged on the door with their nightsticks until someone came to the door-the boy, and my daughter, hastily rearranging their clothes.  HIS explanation to both Hannah and the police was that he had called me and I had told him that it would be okay if she just STAYED THE NIGHT, which was a blatant lie.  Apparently, he then told Hannah that she didn't need to call me again, that it was all taken care of, and, get this, wouldn't let her use the phone.  I am NOT holding him totally responsible.  After all, Hannah is a big girl and knows, KNOWS, that letting her 1. Stay the night at this boy's house and 2. Saying it was okay for her to stay out on a school night past 8:30 is not something I would do.  She had to have been well aware that she was totally busted, and chose to go along with him and not insist on talking to me herself.

I am so, so upset about this, on so many levels, that peeling through the layers is something that may take days.  First and foremost, I am of course glad that she is okay.  The flip side of that is that it so easily could have turned out differently, and I am not entirely convinced that even now she is telling me the truth about what really went on.  I tried to be gentle and find out more abotu what really happend-because in my mind, a 15 year old boy who is sly enough to lie to her about talking to me knows well what he is doing, and that fact alone makes me suspicious of whether she was there on a completely consensual basis.  Another huge issue for me is where the fuck were his parents?  What in God's name would make them think it is AT ALL appropriate to allow two 15 year old kids to hole themselves up in the bedroom together and then GO TO BED?  And not answer the phone?  Or not come to the door to find out who the hell is parked right in front of their window with the headlights shining right in and then standing on the porch banging on the door?  And this also makes me question whether or not Hannah and this boy really WERE at the movies on Saturday, whether the parents really WERE also there to chaperone them.  I do plan on calling them this evening when I get home from work to let them know that Hannah is not to be at their house again for ANY reason, nor is their son allowed to talk to Hannah, and I also plan on letting them know that regardless of what their personal parenting strategies are, they are completely innappropriate to aply to MY daughter.  I know it isn't going to do any good, but it will sure make me feel better to confront this situation and let them know that while I hold my daughter responsible for her own poor choices, I am also aware that their son is equally responsible.

I talked to Hannah, along with my dear friend Jacquie, at great length last night, trying to impress upon her just how terrifying a night it was for me.  That I had done everything possible to find her before I called the police; she said, "You KNEW where I was, you are the one who dropped me off there!" and I reiterated how afraid I was to pull up to the house after getting no answer to my phone calls and find the house dark and have nobody answer the door.  I asked her, too, to suggest something that might have seemed like a reasonable alternative to her in a similar situation, and she said that I should have just left her there.  As if. I talked, too, about how I understand that whne  you are young and just starting to have the hormone surges, that it is really easy to get carried away, but that simply choosing to believe this boy without a question was totally wrong.  I talked about personal safety and why this was a really poor choice for her, for all of the things that could have happend.  I talked until my throat was sore and my eyes and nose clogged from the tears, and through it all, she just rolled her eyes and shrugged her shoulders.  Believe me, it was all I could do to stop myself from jumping off the couch and slapping that insolent look off her face, but I am and was well aware that any credibility I have as a parent was already on the line, and to slap her would take away any of it.

This morning she was a little less angry, enough so that she begged me to not make her go to school.  I said, "Nope, you are not going to hide away in the house because of this.  Off you go."  She took Owen out to the car for me and came in the house in tears because Eli, her 13 year old brother, had started calling her names and making fun of her.  I let her know that while I would talk to Eli about his behavior, she needs to be prepared for the things that people are going to be saying to her and about her.  There will be one group of kids who act as if she is a celebrity of sorts, talking about how funny it is and how col SHE is for getting taken home by the police, and there will be another group of kids who will be calling her a slut and a whore and a cock-tease and all of thse derogatory comments.  I told her that having to deal with this is a natural consequence of her poor choice, and she is just going to have to deal, no matter how hard it is.

I hate this.  I am taking her in to our doctor tomorrow to discuss birth control options, and since I am NOT sure that she was/is telling me the truth, I am going to suggest to her that we have her tested for STD's as well.  I am aware that this is a ploy of my own to try to get her to open up to me about what really happened, because like I said, I have my suspicions about the whole incident.  I am heartbroken for my little girl, too, who DID make some poor choices and now has to face the consequences; I wish I could protect her from life, but I can't.  My decision to put her on birth control is not an easy one, if only because I can't stand the thought of her being sexually active at 15.  However, I have to put my money where my mouth is and follow through on my agreement to do what I can to make sure she is safe IF she chooses to be sexually active.  She knows it isn't what I want for her, and I really believed that she would make wiser choices, but there isn't anything I can do about those choices at this point.  All I can do is make sure that if anything ELSE happens, I can feel like she is a little safer.

In the meantime, she is SO grounded.  I believe I told her last night that there is no limit to this grounding, and something along the lines of the Second Coming seeming like a reasonable time to lift it, but I am not sure if I really did say that.  She is, of course, not allowed to communicate with this boy (except at school, where I have no say), nor is she allowed to go anywhere without ME.  She is not allowed to talk on the phone.  She is also going to get off the bus and come to work with me EVERY AFTERNOON for the time being.  I will take a break at 3:30 and go pick her up, as I cannot trust her to walk here on her own.  I spoke with my boss about it this moring and we have two conference rooms and a break room where she can sit and do her homework or read.  At home, she does NOT get to go hole herslef up in her room all evening, because privacy is not a right, it is a privilege; I mean, I sleep on a hide-a-bed in the living room because I wanted her to have a place she could call her own (well, she shares eith Owen, but all he does in there is sleep), but that is something that is earned, not given freely.  Is this too harsh?  Maybe-but these are the decisions in front of me today, and I am making them as I go, with her long-term best interests in mind.