by Charlotte Babb Maven-Fairy Godmother
Member since:
July 7, 2007

My freeloading brother call again tonight (rant)

November 05, 2007 09:33 PM EST
views: 105 | comments: 48

He called me tonight wanting me to Western Uinon money to him for gas so that he can work this week.  I told him that using Western Uion would cost about as much as I could afford to send him, which is not strictly true, but by damn I work for my money all the time, I don't spend it on drinking, I don't get put in jail and I pay my bills even when it is hard to do it.

His hard times have been his own choices , and right now, our mom is on a cruise so he can't hit her up. This manhas stolen from me since we were kids--my piggy bank, my ice skates, a camera I used for a class at school....it goes on and on. I love my brother and I don't want him to lose his job, but why can't he think about the mundane things and leave the  big stuff alone....he needs food and gas for the truck ont more tools even though he is acarpenter. The reason he does not have tools ia that he pawns them when he can't work becaue he is sick or nobody will hire him.

After al, they have these big ugly pictures of him on the local PD website. He's a habitual offender.   How many people do you know that have had a judge tell them that they were not worth the money it woudl cost fo the state to put them in jail?

So sometime tomorrow I will buy a gas card somewhere, and overnigh it to him. He probably wont like that, and if he wanted to, he could swap it for whatever. I think he is clean at the moment, but I basically don't much care any more.  Maybe I can just sent a USPS money order and he can do with it whatever he likes. I know gas is expensvie, and I know how it is to wait until payday, and I know more than he does about being indebt and having bills to pay.

But he does not have to pay rent, lights, water or car payments, so Ia m not very impressed.  When is it time to say, I've had enough, bark up another tree?

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Comments: 48

I don't blame you in the least for not wanting to help. My mother in law & sister in law are the same way, and I refuse to send them a dime. Neither works. One is a horrid drug & alcohol addict. Both lie, steal, and cheat to get what they want.
The Red Headed Witch of Gather G. Nov 5, 2007, 9:51pm EST
I don't blame you at all either. I would just tell him tough luck, buddy, learn your lesson.
Jaye S. Nov 5, 2007, 9:52pm EST
You enable him when you give him what he asks for. As long as you, your mom or anyone else will send him money for what he needs, he can spend his money on wants.

Most responsible adult take care of their needs first and then take care of their wants if there is anything left over.

It is hard but you have to say no.
debra g. Nov 5, 2007, 9:55pm EST
I would tell him I love you but no.Its called hard love and you need to do what is right for you.
Sara :-) Nov 5, 2007, 9:55pm EST
I'd tell him "no" and be done with it. People like him find a way to get money for drinking, etc. They will find gas money. For all you know, it's not gas he needs. Say "no" and make him find a way. make him start standing on his own two feet. This week it's gas, next week it's gas and groceries. It won't end until you end it. He won't like it now but he will thank you in a few years when everyone stops and makes him become accountable!
Lune Wolfsong Nov 5, 2007, 9:57pm EST
Sounds like you're there, or way past it, Charlotte. But family's family and we often go farther than we think we ought just because of it. Rant away. :)
I know it's hard, but he'll just keep asking if you keep giving...he'll have to be really down and out, broke with no hope, before he'll get his act together. He has legs, he can walk to work or take the bus or call his boss to come get him. Time for him to Cowboy UP!
Melinda ~choosing happiness~ S. Nov 5, 2007, 10:17pm EST
The only way some folks are able to learn to be accountable for themselves is when everyone else stops enabling their current lifestyle, and they have no one to turn to except themselves. You would be doing him a favor by saying no more.
Donald M. Nov 5, 2007, 10:29pm EST
I would just say no. Thats the only way to make them grow up. Let them learn how to handle their money or just do without. I have no sympathy for people like that.
He's using you and your family ties. Users are not forth the emotional investment.
Leslie T. Nov 6, 2007, 3:10am EST
I wouldn't want to help him either. People like that need to learn, and unfortunately the only way they will is the hard way.
Pepsie J. Nov 6, 2007, 6:33am EST
Argh! I know just how you feel! Sorry.
John Philipp Nov 6, 2007, 6:44am EST
Seem to be getting a consensus amongyour cmmenters, Charlotte. I'd only add re: "I love my brother and I don't want him to lose his job."

Of course you love him and you are not the person responsible if he loses his job.

A few weeks ago you commented on this Thought~Byte "it's best for us to solve our own problems and leave others to do the same."

Time to follow your own advice.
Cindy M. Nov 6, 2007, 7:13am EST
You can do it. All you needed was a sounding board to get your gumsion up. You know as long as you enable him, the tide wont change. You didnt say how old your bro was; the fact he has been using you all your life means its not gonna change until you do.You can do it,girl.Maybe its his wake-up call if you withdraw. he might grow up. If he doesnt,he is responsible for his own actions. get him into rehab.
Charlotte Babb Maven-Fairy Godmother Nov 6, 2007, 7:46am EST
The mandate is clear. It is hard to walk away, but that seems to be the thing to do. I have told him no before, and I have let him live homeless. There is no end to the taking. He is not a bad person but does not want to grow up, even at 53. So, I guess it is my turn to do the hard thing. Thanks for all your support. I forgot that this was not my problem.
Denise B. Nov 6, 2007, 8:43am EST
I understand completely, good luck and god bless
Ann Weaver Hart Nov 6, 2007, 8:44am EST
Charlotte, this is where tough love comes in. Your brother, and anyone else, for that matter, will do what works for as long as it works. When asking you for money stops working, he'll stop asking (after a while). If you keep clearly in your mind that you love the sinner, but hate his sin, and therefore refuse to contribute to it, you should be able to have an easy mind about the whole thing. Give what you want, but be aware of what you do.
Michelle W. Nov 6, 2007, 9:17am EST
I would just flat out tell him no. He cannot continue to freeload off the family anymore. It is time for him to grow up and take charge of his life.
Carole S. Nov 6, 2007, 9:20am EST
Stop enabling him. Just say NO. I know you love him but you are not helping him.
Donna Hammett-Tooker Nov 6, 2007, 9:44am EST
Well, I have a 53-year old at home and he works for a living so I am not as nice about Mark as I used to be. Your life is in Spartanburg and his is nowhere. And he does not need to come to you - you remember the disaster that was before, I do. Cut the apron strings, old friend, and let him learn to dog paddle, float or sink as the circumstances require. I am sorry it is that time again for you - Your mom is on a cruise and you are on surviving - time for him to get on the same page.
Ruth MacGill Nov 6, 2007, 9:44am EST
It's hard to say no, especially to a family member, but in the long run it is more likely to improve his behavior than continuing to enable him to keep living as he does. Take heart from all this sincere advice of strangers, and be firm in saying ' I'm sorry, but NO'.
Tough love...as long as someone keeps doing it for him, he will never learn to do it himself.
Wendy C. Nov 6, 2007, 10:50am EST
Charlotte.. did my brother start bothering you? Hmm, sounds all very familiar, and I'm sorry. I wouldn't wish my brother on anyone, even though I do love him.

You've hit the dog on the head.. he's made his life what it is. You don't have to contribute to his bone-headed antics. Cut him off and encourage your mom to do the same.

It took me awhile to bring my folks around, but for the most part 'financially' my brother is on his own.. gee he makes somewhat better choices.

Hang in there kiddo, and know you aren't alone.
Janice Mitchell Nov 6, 2007, 11:30am EST
You've already received the advice I would give so I won't repeat it. It is hard to stop being an enabler. My brother has lived with/mooched off our parents his whole life. When they moved to be close to me, he refused to move and stayed in his room until the day the new owners moved in. Imagine that! Then he lost his job and was living in his car when they - as always - bailed him out and moved him HERE. WHICH I HATE. He won't even look for a job and he won't apply for disability or welfare. I've told him that after Mom dies (Dad died 3 years ago and Mom has Alzheimer's) I wouldn't let him starve but forget any other help from me.
So, you see Charlotte, you are not alone. We are two of many. My heart goes out to you ; D
Margaret C. Nov 6, 2007, 2:10pm EST
I have only just met you and I may not be entitled to say this , but I would stop now , People like this only keep milking you for what you have , It must be so hard for you because he is your brother , Just tell him you are sorry you can't help but you need what you have for yourself and your family , when he stops asking ( and he will after a while ) then you won't feel so bad , But it IS much easier for us to say than for you to do , Take care of YOURSELF , my new friend xxx
Charlotte Babb Maven-Fairy Godmother Nov 6, 2007, 3:21pm EST
I caved and sent him $30. I had told him that I woudl send something, so I did. It will buy him gas to go to work if he uses it for that. We have been around and around this block. But I also told him not to ask for money anymore. I did not care about being paid back, but as one of my friends at work said, I don't have ATM tattooed on my forehead.

Thank you all for being so supportive and adamant. This is another bit of emotional glitch I will work through. Maybe I should tattoo NO on my forehead?
J.C. Alexander Nov 6, 2007, 4:17pm EST
Charlotte, best of luck. I'm with the crowd who'd tell him to paddle his own canoe. Moochers mooch because they get results.

But I also understand the guilt you'd feel by turning him down. It doesn't feel good being the bad guy, even if you're being the good guy by being the bad guy.

Hope he doesn't bug you for a while.
Jean, just the teensiest bit odd, F. Nov 6, 2007, 4:22pm EST
You're really not doing him any favors by "helping" him... What's wrong with him now is probably due to not having to face up to his responsibilities and the consequences of his actions...

WHOA... just had a profound episode of deja vu! Have I said this to you before???? Wow.
Neal Wass Nov 6, 2007, 5:47pm EST
Ay Charlotte, save the baby brother syndrome. I had to draw a line in the sand. I will do this but not this. Don't ask for money ask for help.
Needless to say we are not as close as before but it is hard to help someone who doesn't seem to be rational. It is always someone else's fault....................yet no matter what I do, the guilt is there permanently.
Carol Roach Nov 6, 2007, 8:01pm EST
I think it might be time for tough love, if he doesn't have to pay for rent etc, then let him deal with his own problems, he has to grow up one day
Marie J. R. Nov 6, 2007, 8:40pm EST
You are a good sister,,, if he's been dancing on your brain and not willing to help himself, then, a gas card is the right thing to do,,, there are a few of these souls in my family too. I will feed them if they're hungry,,, give them warmth at times from the street,,, when taken advantage of,,, then,,, they have me on a no call list,,, he's lucky to have you,,,
Charlotte Babb Maven-Fairy Godmother Nov 6, 2007, 8:57pm EST
My wise friend at work uses this formula to decide what to do. She thinks about how she will feel in two years if he died today, if she did or if she didn't. If she thinks she will regret, then she does. If not, she doesn't. She is trying to take care of her very hard to get along with father because she does not want to regret that she didn't do what she could.

The only way for me is to do is what I did. I have tried to help in the past, and at one time, the only thing I would allow was for him to call me collect--usually from prison. It didn't cost that much, as they could only call once a week for five minutes. I have had friends to load me money, or even give me money as a gift, but come to think of it, the ones that I went to made it clear that the asking was a strain on the friendship--and that was to omuch for me to risk losing.

There's the lesson....for me whether he gets it or not.
Charlotte Babb Maven-Fairy Godmother Nov 6, 2007, 8:58pm EST
Thank you everyone. I appreicate your time and your support. you are all such wise adn caring people.
Quinn (aka Entwife) Blackburn Nov 6, 2007, 9:04pm EST
Such a shame when those we would prefer to love evoke negative or destructive emotions instead. :( Hope the rant helped, it often helps me! I'm in retail and it has already begun... so don't be surprised if I go off one of these days soon!

..
U wishing you laughter
Nancy O. Nov 7, 2007, 1:58am EST
I have a brother that often asks for help too , we have finally hit our limit, makes me feel bad but as you said you work hard for your money and make good chioces which he doesnt. I feel for you !!
Christopher K. Nov 7, 2007, 8:48am EST
out of curiosity-have you ever talked to him about gettting help?
if so,what was his response?
if you tried and he gave you a hard time about it.i dont blame you for how you feel
Gerry Wass Nov 7, 2007, 11:58am EST
Sounds like you are handling a bad situation with compassion and strength. Somewhere in it all, there is probably some growth for you and for him.
Charlotte Babb Maven-Fairy Godmother Nov 7, 2007, 4:18pm EST
My brother has been to lots of differnt kinds of programs, VA detox and drug treatment several times, and like any program, it works as long as you work it. He is clean now, as far as I know, and he is trying to work. So I am trying to remember that he is making progress and it is very slow. But I don't have anyone to hit up when I am short of cash. so, I do what I feel like I must.
William Dotani Nov 8, 2007, 1:33am EST
I can only ditto Gerry's comments. I know what it's like to try to give help to someone with no common sense. I did everything I could to help my cousin. I got him a job, provided free room & board and put up with his disruptions in my family life. I finally had to tell him to leave. My wife would have left if he had of stayed. I learned that some people just don't get it and will probably never get it.
Cristina S. Nov 8, 2007, 7:22am EST
you have heard it all by now - just want to let you know I support you in using some tough love!
donna h. Nov 8, 2007, 8:27am EST
I am not sure what to say
Wilma M. Nov 8, 2007, 2:31pm EST
I've been in your situation and have continued to provide occasional help when everyone around me advises against it.

It's a heartbreaking situation, I know!
Elaine M. Nov 8, 2007, 4:56pm EST
My husband has a sister who sings the sob story from time to time. After being taken for a fool when I first met her and struggling to find a way to loan her some money, I found out that I was just the newest sucker on the block--she's been "borrowing" all her life. When she does have money, she likes to gamble until it's gone. I refuse to deal with her anymore, although I know my husband slips her $$ on occasion....

It must be terribly difficult when it is your own sibling. Hope your rant and the responses helped your troubled mind...
lynn a. Nov 9, 2007, 9:51am EST
Why don't you call him up from time to time and ask him for money? Give him the opportunity to assume he might be able to help someone else. It might be a new thought for him. I don't know if it would help, but maybe he has never seen himself as one who can solve problems.
Sharon A. Nov 10, 2007, 1:04am EST
Ohhhhhhhhh...... sorry girlfriend. I know the feeling, my husband had brothers who thought it was ok to live off of us. This best be the last time for brother-sis. But Lynn up there has a good idea. Sometimes people feel out of control and helpless, and they play the victim role. Either way, you are going to have to give him some tough love so he can grow. Yeah, Rant all ya want! I am sure most of us have been there a time or two!
Kathy D. Nov 11, 2007, 1:33pm EST
DON'T SEND HIM ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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