by Paul Allen Leoncini
Member since:
March 12, 2007

Person of interest...D Brown contest...145words

November 05, 2007 01:56 PM EST (Updated: November 07, 2007 11:12 PM EST)
views: 97 | comments: 31

 

                          Person of Interest 145 words

                                                      

                                           By       P.A.L.

                                                  I

    A tall rather unpleasant fellow by the name of Williams approached the officer in charge at police headquarters, stole a glance in through the interrogating room, and casually laid out his credentials. 

    "F.B.I - huh -?" the woman with the thick lipstick said. 

    "Williams..." 

    "Yes...I caught it on the badge...this is a Detective's office...dick," she raised her plucked eye brows. She was cute for a cop.

    "Is this the guy?" 

    "Go ahead," she motioned with her painted hands. "He's been waiting in there for an hour..." 

    "Thank you," said Williams and stepped into the darkened room, shut the door and locked it. "You got a few minutes?" He scanned the paper work as if he didn't know, Mr. Jackson.

    "Do I have a choice?" 

   Williams offered him a phony smile just to be coy, pulled a hypodermic from his inside coat pocket. "Not any more."

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Comments: 31

Judi F. Nov 5, 2007, 2:22pm EST
oooh, chilling!
Jamie C. Nov 5, 2007, 3:26pm EST
good hook there at the end, Paul!
Pat S. Nov 5, 2007, 3:49pm EST
Very good images Paul, but you're way over on the word count. Per the rules, excessive mocking is allowed. It's ok, you've got time to edit it down before the vote. Good luck!
Paul Allen Leoncini Nov 5, 2007, 4:07pm EST
Ok...I reduced the word count...thanks for the heads up...
Beaker (just Beaker) Nov 5, 2007, 5:30pm EST
Yep, leave 'em wanting more. Great descriptives, Paul. I liked painted hands.

I'm getting the impression that writing pseudo DB is like playing with paper dolls. (Confession: haven't read any of his mighty tomes, and when I saw how big they were I passed them up at the library. I'm a novelini master, remember?)
Lea M. Nov 5, 2007, 6:27pm EST
Oh, yeah! Another bit of cloak and dagger by P.A.L

"Williams..."

"Ya...I caught it on the badge...this is a Detective's office...dick"

Love this one.

Now, write the rest on your own page - so I can read on. :-)
Pat S. Nov 5, 2007, 7:20pm EST
I like the shortened version! THe 'thick lipstick' thing works.
John Philipp Nov 5, 2007, 7:43pm EST
Excellent, Paul. A hook ending worthy of DB.
Sheila Deeth Nov 5, 2007, 8:58pm EST
Nice hook. Nice entry.
Dave S. Nov 5, 2007, 8:58pm EST
Paul: Nice work. Very DB-esque hook at the end.
Sherrie Super Nov 5, 2007, 9:40pm EST
Thick lipstick...I love it!
J.C. Alexander Nov 5, 2007, 10:35pm EST
I agree, good hook with the hypodermic. And I too admired 'thick lipstick'!
Ken C. Nov 6, 2007, 10:03am EST
I declare our friend P.A.L. to be a worthy competitor. I wouldn't want to be that poor fool in the chair, that's fer sure. Good one!
Paul Allen Leoncini Nov 6, 2007, 10:17am EST
Thanks, competitors
Wendy C. Nov 6, 2007, 12:58pm EST
Nicely done Paul. One nit, are her hands painted or her nails?
Paul Allen Leoncini Nov 6, 2007, 1:43pm EST
I hope everybody gets the meaning Wendy ...point well taken
Amy D. Nov 6, 2007, 9:25pm EST
Wow. Interesting. Sorry it ended. By the way, I assumed you meant nail.
Ann B. Nov 6, 2007, 11:35pm EST
OoooOOoooo. "Not any more." OOOooooOOoooo. Nicely hooked!
Rand Phares Nov 7, 2007, 11:00am EST
Great hook, Paul. Crisp, clipped, pulp fiction style. Loved it.
Paul Allen Leoncini Nov 7, 2007, 11:02am EST
YEAH!!!
Teresa A. Nov 7, 2007, 1:19pm EST
Nice work. Watch the tense, though. Ex: "she raised her plucked eye brows. She is cute for a cop."
Stephen Prosapio Nov 7, 2007, 6:35pm EST
I liked the thick lipstick as well. Very dramatic and rather confusing. DB at his best/worst.
Starr A. Nov 7, 2007, 11:38pm EST
You have a big concept plot going on here, promising lots of action - very DB!
Paul Allen Leoncini Nov 8, 2007, 12:33am EST
Ok, I fixed the tense issues...thanks everybody with my prose. HA!
James R. Nov 8, 2007, 9:18pm EST
Paul, the tense issues were part of the DB charm. A worthy work of pulp fiction with a great ending.
Beth H. Nov 9, 2007, 2:14am EST
DB with a film noir twist. Good work, Paul. Yeah, like all the others, I also loved the thick lipstick. Only two words, but they sure carry meaning.

The sarcasm in, "this is a detective's office" is great. And the hypo? Perfect for intrigue and for the final image. Nicely done.
j s. Nov 9, 2007, 1:43pm EST
I actually like this.
Lisa "Queen Wombat" F. Nov 14, 2007, 1:16am EST
Williams offered him a phony smile just to be coy, pulled a hypodermic from his inside coat pocket. "Not any more."

Very DB! As were the "plucked eyebrows."
Bonnie L. Nov 18, 2007, 7:55am EST
I like the "plucked eyebrows" juxtaposed with the, "She was cute for a cop." Clever.

I also liked "painted hands"

You're good, Paul. To create this much detail in so few words is difficult.

Bon
Christina F. Nov 26, 2007, 7:25pm EST
Excellent! This is a great piece of writing.
Sarah (I want points) Aug 28, 2008, 2:05pm EDT
Very interesting. Definitely leaves me wanting more.

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