My oldest sister (60 years old) appears to be truly disturbed, to the extent that I am actually somewhat afraid to spend a lot of time with her or to have her stay in my house. I wonder what other people have done in such situations?
She seems to either halucinate or interpret things in a strangely paranoid fashion. The last two times she stayed with me she told me that 1) someone had urinated in the toilet who clearly had a yeast infection and 2) someone had loose bowels and left a mess all over the bathroom. In both cases I saw absolutely no signs of what she was talking about, and I had been in the rooms both shortly before she used them and shortly thereafter.
One time recently she said she slipped on my staircase because the carpet was loose, but she didn't think she had broken her foot. None of us saw a loose carpet.
My sister is unmarried and has not even had many dates, although she would like to get married. At one point several years ago she told me that a coworker was in love with her and they might get married or live together. It turned out they had never been on a date or spent significant time together, and spent no time together outside the workplace.
My sister has said that other teachers were leaving coded messages for her on the chalk boards when they shared class rooms together.
She has claimed that my father, my grandfather and my uncle molested her as a child, and my aunt and mother were complicit in the abuse. She claims she had an abortion at age 12 due to a pregnancy from this abuse. My other sister and I have never seen or heard any indications of such abuse going on among us. My sister has been going to a counselor for many years. According to my sister, the counselor has never referred her to a psychiatrist and does not think she might need any medication. Apparently the counselor encourages her to think that when she believes people are sending her covert messages it may be because they are on the same spiritual plane.
My husband now avoids being alone with her for fear she will accuse him of something. I am afraid to have her in my house for fear she will hurt herself in some way and sue me.
I am not saying that my sister was not abused as a child, because I know such things do happen. But I find it impossible to believe that all of the family members she has targeted as molesters (who are all deceased and cannot comment on the claims) abused her.
I am not unconcerned for my sister, and I do care for her, but it has gotten to the point that I don't want her around. I have suggested going to a different counselor or a psychiatrist to no avail. She does not not believe she has any problem at all.
Please share any ideas you may have on this.
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Comments: 40
The Magic of Meka
it might be helpful to communicate your concerns to her doctor (s/he won't be able to talk to YOU about them due to confidentiality - but there is nothing stopping you from expressing them)
It's frustrating.
I have learned that it is not the validity of whether or not something happened. What matters is her PERCEPTION of what happened as a child. I personally have no question that your sister was molested by SOMEBODY and might have FELT molested by family members because they could not see it, and she felt they played a part in it.
HOW DO I KNOW THIS?
I have a friend exactly like your sister. She was the youngest of seven children and WAS sexually abused from the time she was an infant to the time she ran away. Her sisters are all alcoholics and have had terrible marriages, and they deny ever having been sexually abused. My friend remembers distinctly that her older sister was constantly touched and pursued by her father--one of her other sister's recalls these times, but denies it happened to her.
My friend experiences disassociation, and we have discovered that many things that happen in her home are done by her own hand. She does not recollect this. I do not think her diagnosis is strictly disassociative disorder. I think she has roughly three different personalities.
Fortunately my friend works hard on her issues and is slowly becoming more aware of how her mind works.
She was abused by both her mother and father, but had more love for her father--somehow by being female she just cannot come to feel the anger toward her mother, and that rage and anger takes on various forms, but mainly blocks of time that she does not remember.
She finds messages on her note boards at home that SHE wrote and it takes some convincing that nobody has been in her home.
Having a friend like my friend is important to me. I have learned a lot about how the human mind works under great strain and trauma, and although I state that in an intellectual manner, I don't mean to say I don't attach my emotions to the situation.
She has accused me of things. Over the last several years, we have gone for periods of time without talking, but I feel that I can help her. It has been a delicate balance....there is always a need to back off and take time (for HER) to sort out what she might interpret wrongly---she gets triggered.
She works intensively with a well-qualified therapist (who I am surprised has not explored her various personalities) and a psychiatrist, also.
I would suggest getting your sister in for a full-blown evaluation. If you think she will not do this herself, I would put down your boundaries and tell her that when you see her addressing her very REAL issues more vigorously, that you do not feel "safe" with her in your home.
This is very very sad.
I have no question that your sister was abused, though.
It is hard to get help for someone who doesn't see a need for it.
It is sad when someone close to us does not want the help we are willing to give them.
That said, I would write to her that you do not feel it is safe for you and your husband to see her until she gets the help she needs, that you would be available and willing to help her find the right person to get help from, and that you will continue to love her no matter her choice, even if you do not meet in person.
She needs to decide this.
Good luck with your sister.
i'm sorry... God bless you all...
Thank you! Happy Holidays!
~ A prayer is said for you and yours~
~May your New Year have much in stored~
~May all good Health surround you too~
~May all God's Blessing pour down on you!~
~AMEN~
BLESSED be all soldiers who stand at the front doors of injustice,
Who lay down their lives for freedoms never questioning the judgments!
For the Lord is with them as they uphold the Laws, in God's mighty kingdom their lives are not lost!
No time to say hello, goodbye!
I'm late, I'm late, I'm late!
No, no, no,no, no, no, no, I'm overdue.
I'm reallyin a stew.
No time to say goodbye, hello!
I'm late, I'm late, I'm late
Good luck to you. Prayers are going out to you and your family as well.
I hope that everything works out for you. My heart goes out to you! God bless.
your area or not, but you might
try to find an adult day care facility
for her and they might have suggestions
after they see her condition and interactions.
Have you suggested she see a doctor? She would probably tell you she's fine and doesn't need one. Hope things get better for you all.
Have you ever asked her the same questions more than once and noted if the responses are the same..or vary....
Does she embelish stories she has already told you....
It is not uncommon for people who suffered abuse as a small child to not have it surface till much later in life....
then too, there are those who feel the need to make a small story big...
or take others issues and stories and make them their own
unfortunately...help doesnt always come till they are totally disfunctional and or proven dangerous to themselves or others
you might try keeping a journal...dated
so if she ever does get/need help
there will be background info
My EX-sis-in-law had some serious issues that came to light when we were emailing each other a few years ago...enough for me to determine that I didn't want anything else to do with her. Her line of thought was, since she had been abused by her brother as she was growing up, and my husband went to school with her brother, then her kids were not safe coming to visit us, because my husband would probably abuse them. (cross her off my christmas list.) Some people have so much belief in whatever trauma they are in that they cannot be helped other than in a medical setting.
There are two levels to the fact that the person has to be responsible what treatment they receive. First off, they have a legal right to receive or refuse treatment. It can be clearly established that a person benefits from pyschiatric care/meds and do well on with them. If the person chooses to flush their meds down the toilet, quit going to their appointments and become unable to function normally, there is not a darned thing that you can do about it. It's their right. Unless they are proven a danger to themselves or someone else (which is not as easy to prove as you might think) in which case they can be forced into an emergency mental health eval for 72 hours. So you can imagine if someone has not been diagnosed and has no care plan in place, you cannot force those things on them.
Secondly the true benefits of help are not realized if a person does not recognize their issues and WANT the help. The inspiration to heal must come from within and even with the desire, it can be a very hard road to travel. They call it "help" because the person has to actually do all the work and make the choices themselves. Getting help for mental health problems and post trauma stress... it is very hard to progress and takes a lot of determination to see it through.
The only thing that you can control is what you do about how these worries impact your own life and what you want to do about it. If you do not feel comfortable or safe with your sister, you can choose not to be around her for your own well-being. We cannot choose our family but we do choose what role they play in our lives and our willingness to be involved in theirs. I know that may seem cold but it's simply the reality. If you are letting your sister know that you are concerned and that you are willing to be supportive of her seeking further care... I don't know what more you could be doing to help.