Time to steal back daylight

     On November 4th, the government will instruct me to "fall back" an hour. I don't have an option. Well, I do, but then, for the next six months, I'd turn on my favorite TV shows just as they were ending. This is a matter of trust, like the NewAge exercise where you close your eyes and fall backwards, knowing friends will catch you. That's what the government is saying. "Trust us on this clock thing; we're right behind you."

     Suddenly, I'm getting a déjà vu feeling. Didn't something like this happen about six months ago?

     Yes, it did. My research indicates time was changed last April some time after the Vernal Equinox. I didn't notice until I turned on the Sunday news and, instead, watched a purple dinosaur rerun. Barney and I were together, in faux time.

     Hopefully, I will survive this time shift. I use the word "survive" because this is an ideal time for a terrorist attack; the country is asleep and our biological and digital clocks are confused.

     There's a big brouhaha when the government's spring time tweak has everyone get an hour less sleep and an hour more cranky. The fall change goes quietly because everyone can sleep late and be happy. This is why politicians hold elections in the fall.

    Why do we have Daylight Savings Time? The straight skinny is no one knows. The government talks about more evening daylight conserving energy; others think we make night fall later for the farmers — ironic, as farmers hate this rule. They have to get up earlier because no farm animals believe in DST, with the exception of the roosters.

     By 1960, daylight time shifts were causing widespread confusion; each locality controlled when they applied DST. In Iowa alone there were 23 different DST start and end dates. Not coincidentally, there were 23 Iowan households in 1960. My take is there were other reasons for the time-distorted confusion of the 60s, at least among my friends, and clocks had nothing to do with it.

     Here's the real story behind changing time: Once upon a time there was a farmer named Vern — short for Vernal — who alternated his beasts of burden's harness positions four times a year, a process he called "rotating the oxen." People still do this today only with their tires, giving rise to the ever-popular saying, "You can take a man away from his oxen, but you can't stop him from messing with his tires." 

    Other farmers took note and said, "Vern's equalizing his oxen again." This got shortened, as historic quotations often do, and today changing time is referred to as the Vernal Equinox. We forgot the oxen part but we remember the words, "changing time." {The VE is actually a seasonal change, but let's not be picky).

     However, change isn't necessarily a good thing. I, for one, am I'm getting tired of waking up before the roosters twice a year to reset my clocks.
THE FED'S POSITION: Sure we take an hour away in the spring, but we protect it from terrorists by storing it in Fort Knox, and then give it back to you in the fall.
THE POPULACE'S QUESTION: But why?
THE FED'S ANSWER: Next question.

     The cost of clocking back and forth is considerable. I've worked this out using 3rd grade math. Say America has 300 million people who twice a year change their clocks; say it takes a minute. This works out to 10 million man-hours of wasted time. While we gain some benefit in the fall, we give it back in the spring. This is what qualifies DST as an official government program: spend 10 million man-hours and end up right back where you started.

     I SAY if the government is so interested in time management, why don't THEY turn our clocks back for us? Come into our houses at 2AM, steal our time and leave the silver alone.
YEAR ONE: Honey, I hear a burglar. (Husband gets his Louisville Slugger and goes downstairs only to run into a government worker).
YEAR TWO: Honey, I hear a burglar. No, dear. It's just Hal, the government clock turning guy.

     How long do you think it'll take the criminal community to catch on to this? They'll clean out everyone's house at 1:00 AM and let the government take the blame. And, why not? We blame them for everything else.
 

    I have a simpler system: On November 4th set your clocks back a year and you'll be okay. Trust me on this; I'm right behind you.
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