..is only 12--going on 13--but is in the same place her mom was at that age: she is depressed.
I had hoped that by not being the kind of mother I had, that by stopping anything that could potentially harm her in later years, that the change in this cycle could possibly stop with me. I was wrong.
It seems depression has a good grab-hold of my family; my neice: beautiful, talented, not in the best of health but dealing quite well...mentally ill. My brother, also talented, well-educated...depression. Myself; my oldest daughter struggles a bit, tho' it's improved by going back to her old school. The girls' dad...it seems we can't escape. I had really hoped it was because of circumstances--life's never been handed to any of us on a silver platter--we've all struggled for what we have(which helps to make us who and what we are), but we've all strived to do better for our families, to talk and BE THERE. Well, at least I am here, and I do know what's going on with her.
I called the doctor, but I guess we have to go to the emergency room, because it's "protocal"...I understand, yet--I ended up there about 10-15 years ago, and then in a "home" for the suicidal & chemically dependant people. It was only overnight really, but--I DON'T want my Sara to have to go there!!!
I want her to have help. She's found some good people to connect with at school, and I'm connected to them, too. I hope she won't have to do meds, but if she does at least I can relate.
I just needed to write about it, had to get it out.
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Comments: 6
After my son attempted suicide last year & was diagnosed as bipolar and severely depressed (something that slipped through the cracks of his therapist' s diagnosis for the previous 11 months), we got him on medication & in counseling that has really helped. In the mean time I melted down and became a liability to him & the rest of my family. It escalated to the point that while I was sitting in Sunday Service the morning of December 31st last year I planned ho wI was going to kill myself later that night. I was so despondent because I knew it was my fault he was the way he was. I had been sober for 11+ years, attended church & converted, tried to live the life I wanted to and leave all the old ways behind. Then that hit and it jut crushed me. Most fathers want their kids to grow up & be like them. I wanted just the opposite - to be ANYTHING but like me. Unfortunately, what I wanted and what I got were two different things.
Today I am OK. I am no longer suicidal & have reconnected with my support teams. I tell you this because ti seem so dark & gloomy at the time, but today my son is better-adjusted & making great progress. Not perfect and not where we'd like to be yet, but great progress. And so am I. I'd love for both of us to be able to be "normal" but that's a pipe dream. Instead, we have options & assistance that help us today & make it possible for us to live productively.
So don't beat yourself up. I know how easy it is & how much depression drives us to it. But it is wasted time and effort. Just pray, get closer to God and to your support team, help your daughter build a support team as well and then live the best & fulled t lives that you can. It can seem a million miles away & impossible. But one thing I've learned above and beyond anything else is that "I can do all thing through Christa who strengthens me (Phil 4:13 ) and "...nothing is impossible with God" (Luke 1:37).
I pray that you & your family, especially Sara, find the happiness, joy and peace of mind that you both so desperately want and deserve.
I've gotten her an appointment and have connected with the people she trusts at school. I just needed someone other than me to know. :)
Thanks again.