Measuring the Miles

Each of us has milestones in our lives by which we measure how far we've come. Certainly 18 and 21 are big ones, 40 and 50 seem to give people cause to reflect. For me, 39 has loomed large in my psyche for many, many years for it is the age at which my mother died.

When a parent is lost when one is still a child, their absence seems to echo throughout one's life. All those monumental personal markers that are unattended, the small victories of one's daily life where there is always one significant voice missing, the ache for "Mama" when the going is tough and it is her shoulder that is the unfound balm. All these keep present the knowledge that there has been a profound and irreversible loss.

For a long time I struggled to find a definition for what entailed a "successful life". Was it financial gain? A healthy relationship? Respect in the community? In my 20's I believe that success was to be measured in achievements. Of course, I never did measure up to my own standards as my definition of achievement was formed by societal expectations and not by my inner compass.

On my 30th birthday I had a long discussion with a very wise friend who helped me change my perspective. I came to understand that my belief is that success comes from living a life where regrets are not allowed to flourish, and from knowing that I have worked to do the thing that was right, no matter how hard it may be to stay the course.

Learning at the age of 14 that life can end in an instant has given me unexpected gifts. I realized that if one has dreams, they should not be put off until circumstances are more accomodating for things never will be just right. One must seize the now and take risks. Many years ago I was asked to write down the five things that I wanted in my life by the time I was 40. They are as follows:

1. Own my home.

2. Live in the country.

3. Be in a committed relationship.

4. Be published.

5. Own horses.

If you will allow me the illusion that self-publishing a book of photographs does count, then I seem to have arrived a little ahead of schedule.

Today I've reached the place that closes part of my life journey and opens up a new world. Always before this there was living that my mother had done that I had not yet experienced. I suppose I've tried to come to know her through the landmarks along the path I've travelled. Now we stand shoulder to shoulder. God willing, I will move past this point and find out what happens next. Perhaps she will follow along to see what might have been.