Dealing With Unsolicited Parenting Advice

It starts from the moment you announce you are expecting, although the reasons that people offer unsolicited advice are as varied as the advice itself.  Some really do have the best intentions, and want to help you.  Others may not like to share the spotlight with anyone else, and want to redirect attention to themselves by sounding like the authority on parenting.  Either way, when advice is unsolicited, you have several choices to make before you react.

1.  Consider the source.  Is this someone you know and trust, who you know has your best intentions at heart?  If so, you can simply offer your sincere thanks for their words.  After all, its is completely up to you whether you want to actually follow the advice, and most of the time your “advisor” will never need to know whether you did.  Either way, you don’t want to hurt feelings and strain your relationship.

2.  Let common sense reign.  Do the words ring true, or does the advice sound fishy?  Even if the source is an “expert” in the field, like your doctor or pediatrician, if you are uncomfortable with the guidance you have been given, get a second opinion!  You are the very best judge of what your child needs, so do not ignore your instincts.

3.  When the source is hostile.  There are times when you are not going to trust the source of advice on parenting, and when that happens, you should question the information itself.  You don’t want to automatically dismiss what seems like good advice just because you may not like the person delivering it.  If the advice seems sound, but the source is questionable, check the facts before you act.

4.  What to say.  Let’s face it – if someone is inclined to offer unsolicited advice, you will not change them.  They will continue to share their knowledge with you regardless of whether you appreciate it, because it is human nature.  Do acknowledge the information, and either express your appreciation, or politely decline.  When you like the advice you receive, what to say is simple:  “Thanks!  I think that’s a great idea!” When you want to decline the advice, there are things you can say that will get your message across without embarrassing anyone.  Try, “Thanks, but my doctor/pediatrician has advised me to ____ instead.  We have a great relationship so I feel good about following his/her advice.”  Or, “Wow, I heard/read something different in/on (name your source).  I’d better go check the facts again before I go either way on that.”  Another idea is to say something along the lines of, “That’s interesting.  Unfortunately, we have some special circumstances in our case, so that probably won’t apply to us.”

5.  What not to say.  No matter how ludicrous the advice or the intentions of the giver, never stoop to the same level or embarrass someone.  Avoid insults, flat out dismissals, or anything that will cause embarrassment to your “advisor.”  Chances are, anyone within earshot will also be embarrassed by the exchange, and you risk being the one who looks foolish when you hurt someone’s feelings.  On the other hand, if the advice you hear is downright dangerous, and could cause harm to someone else if it is followed, find a way to express that concern, too.  “I don’t know where you heard that, but I’m worried that could cause ____.”  The object is to inform the person of the danger, giving them the reasons for your concern, in the hopes they will not pass such advice on to someone else who may not know any better.

In the end, understand that there is no way to completely avoid receiving unsolicited parenting advice from others.  Instead, make a decision about what is best in your particular situation.  If you must reject advice, find a way to do so politely.  By keeping these guidelines in mind, you can avoid making the situation more embarrassing than it needs to be, and be a role model for others who may be within earshot.