Jeff and Joy had been dating for a few months and things seemed to be going very well. I was very happy for them, too. We had ditched the third roommate and Jeff spent a lot of time over at Joy’s so I was getting an apartment to myself for half price. Her parents would have gone into conniption fits had they discovered their sweet and innocent daughter was living with a man so they had to keep up appearances.
Life was good. The woman I was dating had gotten tired of my drinking hobby so I was alone in the world. I had begun work on the world’s largest 3-D beer can pyramid, and it was coming along very well indeed. I had the base already set down and as I recall, had 24X24 can square all lined up.
It was fun living with Jeff because he was young and to an extent, innocent. He was famous for his Graveyard Incident with Easy Mel. Before we go any further, I’d like to point out that Easy Mel was a woman who was easy, but the name denotes a certain amount of sexual discrimination. None of the men she slept with got nicknames yet each and every one of them was as easy as Mel was and some of us even more so. Jeff, incredibly, got into this same conversation with Mel in the graveyard, less than a minute after they had engaged in sex. Jeff told her that he thought anyone who had sex casually was a slut, even Mel and himself. As she drove away pissed off he did not realize why. He hoofed it to a nearby convenience store and called me to come get him.
The Graveyard Incident was the only time in Jeff’s twenty-year life that he had gotten laid easy. Chicks made him nervous and he had to be about half drunk to be relaxed enough to be around a woman at all. He and Joy had all sorts of problems early on, no pun intended, but they worked things out and life was good. But being young people they wanted to try new things. They were both far too nervous to go shopping alone, and certainly not together, so I was appointed point man in their quest for adventure. Jeff came in one day and asked me if I would go into a local sex store. Sure! Why wouldn’t I? Been in there before, you know. This confounded him. Okay, nevermind, I can do this, he told me. The next day he discovered that he couldn’t. He was too nervous. Worse, Joy had sworn him to secrecy that he wouldn’t tell anyone that they had decided to try new things.
I went to the local sex store and decided that they ought to start with something simple. A nice, run of the mill, not too large and not too small, battery operated, and anatomically correct toy. I delivered it to Jeff one afternoon and gave him a few pointers about the operation of one. Take it easy and don’t let the noise distract you. I went home and drank beer. This was a disaster of biblical proportions in the making. Two young people who were a little uptight about sex to begin with might have some difficulties getting past all that with a new toy. But Jeff wouldn’t get back to the next afternoon so I worked on the pyramid with the guy downstairs and made inner bets on how bad it was going to be.
Jeff walked in the next day, dropped to his knees and shouted, “ I HAVE SEEEEEEEEEEEN THE PROMISED LAND!”
Apparently, the toy worked to everyone’s satisfaction. I became a regular in the sex shop after that. Everything that could be enjoyed had to be tried and those two were making me look like some sort of pervert. The shop actually issued me a discount card. Why not? But it was great fun picking out things for other people to try. Joy would have killed Jeff and I both had she discovered what was going on, but she never did.
Things picked up a notch once I started dating someone. Tina was a hard drinking hard living party girl who had been there and done that. If you’ve ever wondered what the definition for the word “mortified” might be, look it up in the dictionary. Right beside the word is a picture of Jeff’s face. That was the look he had on his face the night that Tina sat down and discussed the proper technique for the use of a sex toy with him. But I’ve also never seen a man more focused on the topic of conversation, either. Tina, if nothing else, could hold a man’s attention, and his imagination,yea.
For Joy’s birthday, Jeff took her out to a nice restaurant while Tina and I worked on their plumbing. We installed a shower massage in Joy’s bathtub for them. Tina wrote up a very simple instruction manual. Tina and I went off to work on out own plumbing needs and hoped the night would end late the next morning. Jeff walked in a couple of hours after we left. His hair was wet, and his countenance was crestfallen. Oh, trust me, the shower massage is a wonderful device if used properly, and trust me, Tina left very good directions for its use, too. But apparently, right as the proper use of the device had reached a point in time that Elvira had cranked up howling, and the Promised Land had been SEEEEEEEEEEEEEN, Joy’s parents dropped in to wish her a happy birthday. Her mother walked into the bathroom and if you’ll look up the word, “mortified” that picture right below Jeff’s? That would be Joy’s mother.