My Rant And Rage For Today

Here I go again on a rant with rage and I'm not even in my car. I'll have to keep my finger holstered, the only weapon I have, since I'm sitting alone in front of my computer listening to my supposedly ultra silent air cleaner slowly drive me insane. I think what drives me more bonkers than anything are products that don't live up to their hype. I watch slick advertisements and the paid commercials on TV telling me about some product that is so great that it will make cleaning the toilet bowl something I will want to do daily and feel a great urge to have friends and family join me in this activity. I can envision having a house party and serving prune juice and other enhancers. I think I'll stop here with this description.

Isn't odd that TV stations always have a disclaimer that they in no way endorse the paid advertised commercial? That alone should send up warning flags. However, I wanna believe and can't wait until someone wearing a white smock comes out to demonstrate how this product will forever change my life by giving me time enough to read Tolstoy's 'War and Peace'. I might even get a free CD that lets me learn to read Russian, so I won't have to need an English translation. I sit spellbound and marvel at how just a push of a button can reduce all of my anxieties and fears, letting me live in a Nirvana where my kids can't wait to eat their vegetables. Best of all, it's only three payments of $19.95, but there's more.

The paid commercial could end there, but it doesn't. Next is the demostration phase where the audience members, probably recruited from the Price Is Right, act like someone has scored the winning touchdown everytime they see a plate of steamed eggplant, parsnips and turnips. Next, of course are the testimonials. Some lady will come on and say, 'For years my kids and even my husband turned up their nose when I put parsnips on the dinner table, but now with this wonderful machine, they can't get enough and we have a much happier family.' She then gets teary eyed and you realize the importance of serving your family good tasting parsnips. There are more such testimonials and your heart goes out to those people having to suffer years of bad tasting parsnips and you realize you need to cook and serve parsnips for the sake of family unity and happiness. Wait. There's more.

In some of these commercials there is I assume a realistic reenactment of a family before and after using this wonder machine. The before story is sad. The family is sitting around the dinner table looking at the parsnips with disgust. The son is giving gang signs and only says yo and the daughter has her parents worried because she is saying she wants to be just like Britney Spears and proudly tells them she isn't wearing any underwear. The father is pulling out his hair and leaving bald patches and the June Cleaver look-a-like mother has tears in her eyes. Luckily, the mother sees this commercial and buys this wonder machine and we see the after family portrait. The son is wearing a suit and tie and has just been accepted to Harvard. The daughter has just won a beauty contest and is wearing a tiara and the father has a full head of hair. The mother, now looking like Donna Reed, is beaming as the family politely fights over the last piece of parsnips on the plate. Wait. There's more.

The testimonials get even better. A French chef with a thick accent comes on and tells how his patrons used to eat only the snails and frog legs, but ignored the parsnips he served. He goes on to tell us he was about to give up his dream to be a master chef and take a job as a used car salesman, but this wonderful machine not only saved his career, but now parsnips have become the most popular main course at his bistro. Next comes the doctor testimonials and we are told poorly cooked parsnips do not provide the essential nutrients a person needs, but with the wonder machine parsnips become a wonder food and, though they can't officially claim the medicinal values, parsnips make it more likely you will gain muscle mass, lose weight, regrow hair, have below the belt stamina and have an Olympian body all because of this wonderful machine.

About this time, Mother Nature calls and I take a break. As I wash my hands, I see myself in the mirror and realize how badly I need parsnips in my diet. I rush back to the TV, write down 800 number and then listen to all of the free offers that comes with this machine. There's the specially patented parsnip peeler, slicer and dicer. a special vegetable cleaning brush, a secret 16 ounce bottle of sauce that makes parsnips taste like roast beef, an airtight container to hold parsnip leftovers, (why would there possibly be any?) and if you act in the next 60 seconds, a parsnips cookbook and a CD by Mitch Miller of all your favorite red bouncing ball songs can be yours free. Well, I am now excited. I haven't been this excited since my honeymoon. I get on the phone and call. The person on the line is pleasant and asks if I'd been interested in other offers, such as a step by step guide to use llama fertilizer to make millions. I say no thank you and I'm told the shipping and handling fee is $15.95. I give my credit card number and eagerly await my wonder machine.

My wonder machine finally arrives and I'm really surprised the box is so light. I open it and find a rather cheap looking machine made from recycled plastic. I brush off my initial disappointment and eagerly get out some parsnips and follow the directions. Everything seems to be going smoothly until I put the parsnips in the machine. Unlike the TV demonstration, I can only cut one parsnip at a time. I notice in small print on the instruction manual a disclaimer, 'This machine may not work the same as the one shown on TV.' That is an understatement. Well, after an hour I have the parsnips and some cod cooked for dinner. My family comes to the table and I say, 'I have a treat for you today.' With a bit of coercion I get my son and daughter to try the wonder machine made parsnips. Their response is not what I expected as they say, 'Ewww, what is that?' I can't get my wife to even take nibble, so I bravely load up my plate and take a big bite. I literally feel like I'm going to puke and run to the sink and spit it out. The taste was beyond disgust, but what is really disgusting was that I was led to believe by testimonials and product demonstration this was a wonder machine. I returned it, but lost $32 because I had to pay the shipping and handling fees both ways. I think I have earned the right to rant and rage. My wife and kids have asked me never to cook parsnips again. They need not worry.