Tired of Searching

I'm tired of searching for the perfect words,

tired of the reason,

tired of the rhyme;

How can a broken heart

                                  beat

                                      in 

                                         rhythm?

How can it?

I don't even want it to,

because then it might start to make sense,

and I would have to be accepting

and grown up

and responsible.

I don't feel any of that.

I feel like I'm dying,

and I want to stomp my feet

and wallow in my tears.

I want to curse the sun

and bury my head in the sand.

I want to pretend its a bad dream

and that I will see you again;

I want to prolong my pain

because at least I'm feeling;

At least I know I'm still alive.

God, I don't want to go numb

and stop feeling again,

I fight against it with every breath.

I know you don't want that.

I know it would make you angry

if you saw me going back

after we have come so far.

I want to fall into the ocean

and dream of you,

breathe the salty air,

close my eyes and pretend

you are kissing away my tears.

I want to feel my body come alive

to your touch,

just as it did the last time you held me.

I can feel you with me

right now as I write these words.

I am a selfish person.

I know I am.

I want to let go,

but I don't know how.

I'm so tired of searching for a way.