What It Means to Honor Your Parents

"Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you."---Exodus 20:12(NKJV)

"To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while."---Josh Billings

"It behooves a father to be blameless if he expects his child to be."---Homer

A man by the name of P.D. James once said that "What a child doesn't receive he can seldom later give." 

Praise God for grace, mercy, compassion (Lamentations 3:22-24, Hebrews 4:16) and the plan of redemption because if we didn't have them, many---no, most of us would be up a creek if our bloodline and/or rearing determined the ultimate outcome of our fate!  Yes, if you live your life from a ‘half glass empty" perspective, this intro can seem like a really morbid way to start off your day, but the message gets better.  Hang in there.

Boy (and girl), I'm telling you, as the Year of Completion (2007) winds down in preparation of the Year of New Beginnings (2008), I can truly say that there are some things that have been "made whole" and others that have been "brought to an end" when it comes to virtually every single area of my life.  Some---no, most---things I didn't ask for or anticipate, but I am thankful nonetheless.  The Message Version of Proverbs 16:3 says, "Put God in charge of your work, then what you've planned will take place."  What's crazy is that the older I get the shorter and more concise the plans for my life become.  These days (let's just be real), more money would be nice; a husband and kids (in that order) would be nice; a best-selling author career with an international college tour would be nice, but right now, my "plan" is simply to pursue peace, integrity, stability, happiness, genuine relationships and holistic health (Proverbs 3: 7-8, Romans 14:19, I Corinthians 14:1).  Why?  Because more and more I am coming to see that when I do the right kind of character work in the spiritual realm, the appropriate tangible things in the "earthy realm" end up falling into place anyway.

I won't lie to you.  Pursuing things like peace and stability are not an easy task.  I guess God knew that too, which is why he provided verses like, "If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men." (Romans 12:18---NKJV).  But, I must admit that when I put God first things are definitely easier than when I try to go it alone (Isaiah 33:6).  Yes, that should seem obvious, but I have a feeling someone needed to be reminded of that right now.  I know in my own world, I get into more emotional/relational/professional/personal traffic jams when he's not allowed to take over the wheel.  Please don't underestimate the power of acknowledging and then acting upon the fact that the fear (respect) of God is truly the beginning of all wisdom (Proverbs 9:10).  It's amazing the things you will discover when you choose to let him reveal certain things to you.  One of my favorite scriptures as it relates to spiritual progressiveness is Hebrews 5:12-13 (AMP):

"For even though by this time you ought to be teaching others, you actually need someone to teach you over again the very first principles of God's Word. You have come to need milk, not solid food.  For everyone who continues to feed on milk is obviously inexperienced and unskilled in the doctrine of righteousness (of conformity to the divine will in purpose, thought, and action), for he is a mere infant [not able to talk yet!"

A wise man once said that the best teachers teach by example.  When you apply that thought to this scripture it provides a really interesting perspective:

"For even though by this time you ought to be teaching others BY EXAMPLE, you actually need someone to teach you BY EXAMPLE over again the very principles of God's Word."

Oh, how easy it is to "talk the talk" but not "walk the walk" isn't it?  That is one of the beautiful things about the life of Christ.  Sure, he could have remained in the heavens and dictated all that we should be doing, but instead he became flesh and showed us how a life full of principles, character and integrity could and should be lived (John 1:14).  Those of us who take on the title of "Christian" or my current personal favorite, "Follower of Christ" are supposed to be doing that very thing to those who do not know of his true and authentic nature, but how many of us actually are accomplishing this feat?  It's so easy to stand up and talk about how crazy "unsaved" people's children are while conveniently ignoring the hellions in our own homes.  It's so easy to judge the "shackers" when our own marriages are going down the drain.  It's so easy to shun celebrities as we stand in line at gospel awards shows for autographs.  It's so easy to preach on promiscuity and adultery as we download porn to appease our closet addictions or pimp out our emotions to any man (or woman) that will have us.  It's so easy to denounce the materialism of Corporate America as we take up ten offerings every Sabbath and Sunday for our own personal wish lists.  It's so easy to TALK about what "the world" should be doing it and not ACT out those very things for ourselves.

But when are we going to get to a place where our EXAMPLE speaks for itself?  When are we going to quit vying for airtime to talk about living a Christ-filled life and in turn pray that people will be led by the witness that we share?  Jeremiah 29:11 says that God knows the thoughts and plans he has for our lives and that they are good.  Ephesians 3:20 says that God is able to do exceedingly above all that we can ask for or think (because our thoughts are not his thoughts, remember?---Isaiah 55:8).  I Corinthians 2:9 tells us that eyes have not heard, ears have not seen nor has it entered into the heart of man all that God has for those who love him.  Do you know why that is?  I think a big part of it is because for a lot of us, our hearts are blocked. 

Jeremiah 17:9 states that the heart is deceitful.  If the Enemy can keep our hearts (our thoughts, our desires, our feelings) distracted, it can become really challenging to discover God's will for our lives.  One of the best ways that he does this is by using/abusing the first examples we all have to humankind, and if we grew up in a Christ-centered home, the character of Christ: Our parents.

Just over the course of the past few weeks, I have gotten to a place where my prayer life is changing.  The Bible most certainly says "Ask it will be given" (Matthew 7:7), but it also says that many of us ask and do not get because our desires are strictly based on our senses (James 4:3---AMP). I would like to be a wife and mother someday, but I really am getting to where I don't want it if God doesn't see fit.  Oh, how selfish we can be at times.  Most us of believe that you have to be "called" to be a writer, a musician, a lawyer, teacher or preacher and yet why don't we ever take this into account when it comes to more personal and pressing matters. 

How many wives asked God if having a husband---and more importantly, the husband that they have was a part of their calling in life?  How many fathers asked if having children---and more importantly, in the way or at the time that they did, was a part of their calling in life?  How many instead simply took what they wanted and assumed that because God did not strike them down at the altar or in the delivery room that he must have been pleased with their decision?  Haim Ginott once said that "Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have anything to do with it."  OK, look at the state of the world and then think about that quote again.

 If you are single and you have no children, the Bible says that you are to be concerned about the things of the Lord and how you may please him (I Corinthians 7:32).  Please know that he would be very pleased, ecstatic even, if you consulted him about every single aspect  your life.  More and more I am seeing in live and in living color (and it ain't always pretty, ya'll) that uniting yourself to someone else---in marriage, friendship, business or otherwise ain't just about you.  From it seeds are planted and harvests come that affect the souls of many around you.  James 3:1 warns that not a lot of us should become teachers because they are judged at a higher standard and with a greater severity than others (which is why some parents are suffering right now and are wondering why).  Don't victimize other people unnecessarily just because you wanted something at all costs.  Sometimes that price is way too high.

But what about those who are already parents?  What about those of us who are children, especially adult children of these parents?  I John 1:10 says that if we claim we have not sinned we call God a liar so you know what that means, right?  If you are a parent, at some point in time you have messed up (and will again).  If you are a child, at some point in time you, too, have messed up (and will again).  However, before I proceed, some of us need to remind ourselves of this fact so that we can confess our sins to our parents and our children.  For many of us, our very healing depends on it (James 5:16).  Some of us right now are wondering why our health is failing, our careers are stagnated, our relationships are faltering and it's because we have not adhered to Matthew 5:22-23 (NKJV):

"Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift."

Mind you, this scripture does not say that if you think you did something to your brother go and be reconciled.  No, it says IF YOUR BROTHER HAS SOMETHING AGAINST YOU to go and do it.  So many parents and children of parents are living less than lives because their pride (Proverbs 16:18) keeps them from wanting to deal with certain issues.  If they are the child, they would rather blame the parent.  If they are the parent, they would rather blame the other parent, the child's friends, the child themselves or a religious person's consistent "go to guy", the devil, rather than taking personal accountability for their actions; for how they may have contributed to the matter.  Don't be so full of yourself that no one else can get a thought, word or feeling in edgewise.  If someone tells you that you hurt them, it's not really about how you interpret it.  James 5:11 says that the Lord is very compassionate and merciful.  If you claim to be one of his followers, one of his children, you should extend the same courtesy.  However, the Bible also says that if you love Christ, you will keep his commandments (John 14:15).  If you are the adult child one of the best things you can do for your parents is honor them

Now, hold up, parents before you decide to forward this message to your kids.  What God shared with me about what honoring actually means may provide some food for thought for you as well.

I don't know one parent who, at one point or another, has not used, even on their grown kids, "Watch what you say, what you do, when you do it, how you do it, why you do it, where you do it because the Word says that you are to honor me if you want to live long."  So what if they are showin' out!  Surely the child must stand back and take the brunt of it, right?  Actually...no.  The Bible also says that parents are not supposed to provoke their children to wrath (Ephesians 6:4), but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. 

Do you know what wrath is?  Its "intense anger" and "belligerence aroused by a real or supposed wrong".  Some of what your children are going through right now you may chalk up to nothing more than disobeying you/your teachings or forsaking God, when in reality, its wrath at its best being revealed.  Just today, I heard someone use the term, "emotional sobriety" and I loved it.  When someone's drunk or high, they are not considered to be in their right minds, right?  Therefore, some of the actions that follow are not seen in the way they would have been if they had been sober.   It's amazing how we will understand the power of a substance, but not an emotion.  Some of the decisions that your adult children made/are making/will make are because they're "drunk/high" on fear, anger, pain, disappointment, embarrassment, disillusionment as a direct result of something you provoked.

And yet, yes, they are still told to honor you.  How can that be done?  More importantly, why does a parent deserve it when their words or actions may have caused, or at the very least influenced, so many trials and tribulations?  The answer just may surprise you.

For the past couple of weeks, Oprah has had a divorce specialist on her show.  One of the things he said that stayed with me was something that my mother did very well while I was growing up: "Do not tear down the other spouse to your child.  When you do that, you are tearing down his very DNA."  To this day, my mother has had very little to say about my biological father other than, "Your relationship has nothing to do with the one I had with him.  Get to know your father for yourself." 

Parents, we did not ask you to link up with the man or woman that you created us with so don't blame us for it by bashing them---whether directly or indirectly---all of the time.  Some parents think that because we are adults, we can handle it, but until we die, our other parent's blood will be running through our veins and so there is a great chance on some level that we are going to look like them, talk like them, think like them, act like them.  WE CAN'T HELP IT nor should we have to feel like we should if we could.  The purpose of being a good parent is not to change who we are, but to make us better than the both of you were; to not turn us into what you want, but what God wants.  Do you think the only vices we picked were from our other parent?  You think the only virtues we picked up were from you?  Don't be deceived.  God says that what you sow you will reap (Galatians 6:7-8), period---the good, the bad, the ugly and indifferent.  When that sperm and egg joined together (again, without our permission), bloodlines were joined, generational curses were joined, predispositions were joined, personalities were joined, looks were joined.  Again, this is why people need to be more "purpose" than "desire" driven when it comes to their prayer requests.  Adult children, do not apologize to your parents for their choice to create you in word or action.  You are who you are, God has a plan and if you surrender to him, it will be great irregardless of who your mother or father may be.  If they have a problem with your other parent, that is THEIR PROBLEM.

But, there was something else that came to mind when the specialist spoke on parents not talking badly about their children's DNA.  To myself, I thought "If it's not a good idea for a divorced parent to dog out the other spouse, there must be a connection to how I treat my parents as well regardless if what they did right or wrong."

Ah, and this is where honoring them comes in.  Here are some of the definitions of "honor":

Honor: honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions; a source of credit or distinction; high respect, as for worth, merit, or rank; the privilege of being associated with or receiving a favor from a respected person, group, organization, etc; to show a courteous regard for; good name; reputation.

OK, adult child:  Think about the last foul thing your parent did to you.  How did it make you feel?  Now think about what M. Gary Neuman said on Oprah's show.  If it's not a good idea for your father or mother to talk about your other parent because it attacks who you are, how do you think harboring feelings against your parent(s) is any different?  Based on this advice:

When you hate your parent, on some level, you hate yourself. 

When you resent your parent, on some level, you resent yourself. 

When you are bitter with your parent, on some level, you are bitter with yourself. 

Why you deny your parent, on some level, you deny yourself. 

When you dog out your parent, on some level, you dog out yourself. 

When you plot revenge against your parent, on some level, you are planning to hurt yourself.

When you act like your parent never existed, on some level, you are ignoring yourself.

No, you did not ask to be here nor did you ask for the parents that you have.  When it comes to that, you will have to trust that because God knew you before the womb (Jeremiah 1:5), there was a purpose in the midst of it all.  But, what I have come to realize is that when God tells me to honor my mother and father, when he tells me to be "honest and fair" with them; to hold them in "high rank"; to "show courteous regard for them"; to uphold their reputation, it's not just for them---IT'S FOR ME, too.

Don't you see?  If anyone understands the domino effect of pain, God does.  He's seen it passed down from generation to generation.  Unfortunately, for years, decades, centuries parents have almost threatened their children with the thought that if they don't respect what they say and do, they will die before their time, but God has given me a different insight into the matter. 

Just this morning, I looked into the mirror and I saw both my mother and father looking back at me.  There is nothing I can do about that other than honor what I have by taking the best care of it I can.  I could be disgusted with my father's full lips or my mother's eyes, but what good would that really do?  It is what it is.  I am who I am.  The best thing that I can do is maintain what I have (one of the reasons why plastic surgery is not on the top of my list). 

In a very similar fashion, there are things that both of them have said or done that have hurt and angered me.  Yes, God allows a season for me to process my emotions (Ephesians 4:26), but hanging on to them, whether my parents choose to humble themselves and address it or not, what good would that do?  As Mr. Neuman said when I bash either one of my parents---in thought, word or deed---I am bashing my DNA; I am bashing apart of who I am, not because I am expected to take on the consequences of their choices/actions (Ezekiel 18:20), but because holding on to unresolved feelings can often lead to an unhealthy self-image which almost always leads to unhealthy choices.  Have you ever heard the saying "We become what we hate?"  Sometimes we can put so much energy into what we don't like that we end up not focusing on the things that we do and because what we think, in time, we become (Proverbs 23:7), the very thing that our parents did, we often end up doing.

We hate our parents for never getting married and yet we end up with three out of wedlock children.

We hate our parents for verbally abusing us and yet we talk crazy to everyone we know.

We hate our parents for being drunk on alcohol and so we overdose on bitterness.

Honoring your parents it not about accepting abuse (head's up: letting them control your life once you are an adult is a form of abuse).  It is about respecting the fact that without them, you wouldn't exist and your existence is indeed a wonderful and blessed thing.  It's about knowing that finding the good in them helps you to maintain a healthy sense of self-esteem.  It's about realizing that holding on to negative emotions can keep the generational curses in your family going, which yes, as the Fifth Commandment implies, just from the stress and drama alone, can cut your life short.

As we enter into a new week, think about the way you feel about your mother and father and if you are blessed to still have them around, even your grandparents/great-grandparents.  Ephesians 5:28-29 tells husbands to love their wives as they do themselves.  Why?  Because no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourished and cherished it.  Adult children, our parents are our flesh and if we truly love and respect ourselves, we must love and respect them as well (Matthew 19:19). Look at it this way:

If you honor your parent by forgiving them, because they are a part of you, indirectly, you extend forgiveness to yourself. 

If you honor your parents by celebrating them, because they are a part of you, indirectly, you celebrate yourself. 

If you (as much as humanly possible) unconditionally love them, because they are a part of you, indirectly, you are unconditionally loving yourself.

Don't let the Enemy keep you from the blessings that come with keeping God's commands.  Life is short enough as it is without cutting some of your days all because you don't want to honor your parents---or yourself.

©Shellie R. Warren/2007