Raising a son

On Valentine's Day, my 18 year old son left for Boot Camp. The ensuing months have been some of the hardest and loneliest of my life. Going to the grocery store is sad because I still have the shopping-for-Chris mindset, and I miss him in a lot of ares of my life. At the same time , I'm glad he's a Christian and has the confidence to want to protect our country.

Our son turned 18 in May and nothing earth shattering seemed to change until he called from college asking if his girlfriend could come spend the night(in his room)! We both said NO!

There are two things we need to give our kids; one is roots and the other is wings. We have to make it okay for them to go off and become who they were meant to be and we have to make it okay for them to come back to us when they need/want to.

You are a very wise woman. Your son is fortunate to have you as a parent. A parent who knows that his life is his.

Well, I have a 14 yr. old sophomore I can give you...I don't know what to do with my son....he's a good kid, but having issues with one of his teachers (okay, so I don't like her either, but for different reasons)....

My son wants to join the Navy when he gets older (just like his uncles), but he wants to be the officer's chef....now how wierd is that?

Janice, I pray that your son is safe. It must be so difficult with him away.

He will do a lot of growing up in the next ten years, as you know. Let him go gradually, but gently encourage him to come to you when he needs you. He doesn't yet have the judgment to know fully when to be "grown up and independent" and when to act like a kid. It's a constant struggle! Give it time and pray a lot. Keep the lines of communication open - always!

God Bless!

Very nice article, Sue! You have a wonderful attitude. I agree with Trish.

Third time around for me. We have two grown, one on his way, still in high school. It never gets easy balancing the line between letting go and hanging on but I just try to remember
when I was that age, every instinct telling me to head towards independence.

The thing is....I'll bet you've already laid a solid foundation. With that there, he'll be fine!

Just remember that the ties between you are strong. Even the times he doesn't need you, he will always love you.
A very touching article, Sue.

Thank you all for the words of wisdom and encouragement.

"Children are the arrows we launch into the world," or so the saying goes. It sounds like you are doing a great job and obviously the other kind folks on Gather have more experience and wisdom about this than I do. You both will probably know when the time is right for the bird to fly from the nest -- and judging from our nests, it can happen in the blink of an eye! Thanks for posting this.

My daughter is 14 and I find myself worrying about the day she will leave home and have her own family and I worry about being placed in the background, because in my heart she is my little girl and there is nothing more that I would love than to have her here with me always, but I want her to be happy and I want her dreams to be fulfilled so, I have to let go. I guess as long as she doesn't move out of state or too far away from me I will be fine. I hope this gives you some peace.

I always tell my son that I will love him wherever he is, even if it is far from me.

Sue, I'm sure he already knows you will always love him. That's a special gift we give our kids.

mmmmm...... I have heard from several of my frieds that the timeright before they are ready to 'fly thecoop' are the worst in terms of tryng to determine boundaries- sometimes as parnts we try to do too much- let him find his own wings and say a prayer! Good luck!

Ps.When my daughter turns 18 in 3 years, please remind me of the same wisdom! Thanks!

There is definitely a balance to achieve in that Angella. I try to keep the boundaries that respect my home, me and himself. There are other decisions that he can make. Some of them I am encouraging him to make. I let him decide the picture to go in the year book from his senior portraits. He thought that was pretty neat.

Never an easy time for anyone-

I have one married, one just graduated and a 10 yo. And I find myself lost most days. I have Gather and my husband and our son, and needy friends, but it does not seem enough.

Very well written, I wish him all the success in life.

...and then like a mother bird you let them find their wings.

All of my son's left home early, The first to leave was my oldest and he married at 21, and I thought he would be over for dinner a lot and on weekends, and evidentally the girl didn't have that idea, and she used to be all the time at our house too, but it turned around very quickly and he came back without her if she didn't want to come, and of course she soon did, I think that is worse than college, as you give them to another woman, tough to do, and I gave one to the army at 18, and another to marriage at 20, but you know, they are the mainstay of my life now. They all care for me and each has their separate way of showing it. They will grow up and mature and go but you will be Mom always Sue, and you will be needed by him for many years to come, they say if you let them go, they never leave, and I believe that is true, from lots of experience here. Chin up, all will be well and with a mother like you, how can he not be fine.

My sons (three) have always had a close relahionship with mom.

I always looked at my job as teaching them how to get along without me. Their mom looked at her job as taking care of them.

Between the two of us they learned how to take care of themselves and that there was always back up (mom) if they needed help.

I would have really liked your mom. She knew that a child is our trust and not our property. We have to accept their individuality and hope for the best.

I hurt even thinking about this time when it comes - even though my daughter is only 5 years old - these 5 have gone by so dang fast!!!! I don't like thinking of her as "not belonging to me" and yet I know it to be true!!! Wow - now I'm sad =- I thinkI'll go hug my sleeping girl!!!

At the height of the Viet Nam war, seven days out of high school and a few months beyond my 18th birthday, I joined the Marines. I had to beg my 19 year old not to repeat history. Instead he went to college. He spent two months there and dropped out. He now manages a coffee shop. He will depart on March 15th of 2008 for the Appalachian Trail. He intends on spending six months of his life to complete the journey from North Georgia to Maine. He tells me that he wants to see where his mind is after this before he decides on another try at college.

As parents we gave him solid roots. He has grown wings. He is his own person. My other child is a senior in college and has made the Deans' list every semester since she started. Why do we have such a disparity in our children? This was all part of His plan.

We are so proud of both of our children even though they have chosen completely opposite paths. The daughter is just as happy with life as the son. They are both wonderful, well adjusted adults. I struggled with my son and his college issue and finally decided he is his own person. He is an adult. I can't force him to do anything. I can just hope and pray that he will one day hop on the path to a more settling future. If he finally decides to go to school or not I don't really care. I know he will one day be successful. I want him to be happy.

And yes, I too have had a really rough time watching this young man slowly but surely leave the fold. It is a very difficult time for a parent. I can get glossy-eyed when I think back to how quickly this all happened.

I am now convinced as long as both our children have their health and can contribute in a positive way to society with whatever vocation they choose, they have everything.

What a beautiful and thoughtful comment Roger. It is so important to see them as individuals and love them for their differences. Your son sounds interesting and adventurous. I bet his journey will teach him many things that college could not.

My youngest turns 18 soon; my oldest several years ago. And nothing changes, except the changes you already knew had happened. As long as we're still talking, phoning, emailing...

Sorry, I don't know what it's like. I don't have kids yet.

I really wanted to comment (meaningful). But I can't right now-I am blinded by tears...