Disclamer: This article is for educational purpose only. This article in no way is supporting forcing someone to leave a bad situation or giving anyone permission to get angry because a friend or family member won't leave. All I am trying to do is give "outsiders" an "insight" in order to help them possibly broach the subject with their friend or family member that they might suspect is a victim. Leaving is a very sensitive issue and needs to be handled with care. I am in no way encouraging others to stick their nose in other people's business. Victims need friends, someone to trust, and listen to what they have to say.
It is very difficult to accurately tell if someone you know is a victim of domestic violence unless they have told you. There is no typical profile for a domestic abuse victim. It can affect anyone. However, there are some warning signs that will help in spotting problems.
Do they have injuries? Or make excuses for the bruising or injury you notice?
You may see bruises on the victim. They may give you a story about how clumsy they are. Or how they were innocently wrestling with their partner and the bruises occurred. Or if the injury or bruise is too noticeable, like a black eye, the victim may call in sick so they don’t have to explain anything.
Are they often absent from work or school?
When there has been a severe beating or other kind of trauma the victim is often likely to take time off. Or they may repeatedly be late for work or school.
Have they exhibited low self-esteem?
Not all victims will have a low self-esteem. They may be full of confidence, or appear to be, when it comes to work, their parents, their children, etc. Yet, they are more likely to have low self-esteem within their relationship. They may feel that they couldn’t make it on their own.
Has their personality changed?
The victim may change their personality; someone who was once outgoing may become shy and reserved when their abuser is around. They have been taught to act a certain way in order to prevent problems.
Do they suddenly have a fear of conflict?
The victim as a result of constant battering from the abuser can begin to feel powerless in other relationships. They may feel a great deal of anxiety about conflict of any kind.
Have you noticed them showing signs of passive-aggressive behavior?
The are instances in which a victim has been battered to the point in which they can no longer identify feelings and wants or express them which can result in passive-aggressive behavior.
Do they continually blame themselves for anything that goes wrong?
The victim may share a story of something that happened at home, yet take all the blame. When this happens often, over and over, it could be a sign of emotional abuse. This is the lie they are being fed by their abuser, that THEY (the victim) are to blame.
Have they become isolated by the alleged abuser? Or has the alleged abuser gained control over the victim?
Often in physical abuse cases the abuser will isolate the victim and verbally degrade them as well. This is an attempt to gain complete control. If the victim is no longer able to meet with you or talk to you, or has suddenly moved away from all family and friends, this could be a sign of abuse. Another way an abuser can isolate and gain control over the victim is to tightly hold the purse strings. You may hear that the victim is on an allowance or has to ask the abuser for permission to spend any money.
Do you notice the victim display any stress related problems?
Some major signs of stress related problems are poor sleep, sleeping at odd times, chronic headaches, or stomach problems. These are signs that the person is under a great deal of stress and is probably in depression.
Have they began or increased their drug or alcohol intake?
Sometimes in order to escape from the pain and become numb victims will increase their alcohol intake or drug use or begin if they had not already. This is definitely a sign that something is wrong.
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Comments: 34
This article in no way is supporting forcing someone to leave a bad situation or giving anyone permission to get angry because a friend or family member won't leave. All I am trying to do is give "outsiders" an "insight" in order to help them possibly broach the subject with their friend or family member that they might suspect is a victim. Leaving is a very sensitive issue and needs to be handled with care.
The worse case scenario:I too wanted my friend to know I was there for her.Had seen her abused out in public.She was in denial,and they moved away.Abusers Isolate.Dont forget that! my friend?
After they moved;he shot her.I wish to GOD I had intervened and stayed closer to her.Had an intervention on her behalf.No,I dont carry guilt,but I feel I could have done more.And with the laws these days...One does not have protection!
http://bestoftoday.gather.com/
A few days before I was to fly up to see her he beat her so bad, kicking and punching her in the chest and kidney that she felt if for days. Luckily there wasn't any internal damage and minimal bruising, but their girls witnessed the whole incident. One was so frightened that she started to run to her room and tripped and hit her head. She was able to distract him by calling his parents and letting them know what happened. Since he is in the military and if father was as well, his father said he would call the MP. She begged him not to, because she knew it would only make things worse. Luckily she told him, he took the phone and began berating his parents while she was able to slip out with the girls and leave. She made it home to her parents and has been trying to recover ever since.
Her alcohol intake greatly increased shortly after he moved her away and it remained out of hand when she returned to us. She is now sober, working real hard at it. Only problem is he is now back, claiming that he has changed, that he wants her back, and will do and/or buy anything she wants. She is finding it difficult being a single parent and has actually entertained thoughts of taking him up on his offers. He has already bought her a new car. I am worried that she will slowly be sucked back in. I am not convinced he has changed. I express my feelings of worry for her safety but let her know that I will support her in whatever manner she needs.
In regards to DV laws, in addition to actively promoting awareness, I have also drafted a letter along with a Gather friend of mine, which we will post shortly, that everyone can copy insert their name, etc. and send/email to their senator. I know that the easier I make it for people to get involved in the legislation, the more likely we are to gain participation. I am also hoping to be accepted into the National Domestic Violence Awareness internship in DC. My dream is to make a difference and I hope one day I can say that.
I been thinking real hard about what my Grandpa told me in my past young teen years and its beginning to sink in. Though, how do you leave if you'd have no support in the process? How do I know, if I go to a domestic violent shelter that my man won't try to accuse me of leaving without another parent consent (or even worse, try to fight for custody) or do a background check and find me? How do I know he won't go off the wall on staff there? Then I'd feel bad and responsible. How do I know the domestic violence shelter wouldn't call the cops? or CPS and get them involved from me having no income or food for her, if or when they did take me in? Could they help me find a job, get on my feet, and would they take away my child? I don't want my child taken away. I can protect her, but will other people help me protect her in the process and not make me give her up? I don't want to lose her...she is the only one whom I feel love by at the moment. ::Sighs::.... How do I trust anyone when I've been hurt? I can't stop crying... he's only hit me once or twice (but no bruises), is this still of worry? And, some say verbal, emotional or mental abuse isn't abuse.. is it? How do I go on and cope? I'm worried I will lose my daughter....::Crying::
First off, loving the person and wanting them to change is all fine well and good, but you must first love and protect yourself and your precious daughter. Really the best situation is to separate you from the abuser. They need to get help on their own and you need protection. That is if they want to change… most abusers don't necessarily feel that what they are doing is wrong and therefore don't see a reason to change or if they do recognize a problem don't think they can change and the thought of it frustrates them which feeds their anger which they take out on the victim(s). There are always going to be good and bad times in any relationship, even abusive ones. More than likely the abuser has some very worthwhile traits. The question is…do you believe that you should ever be hit? If you say no, which in my opinion you should say NO! then something needs to change. No one can tell a victim when to leave; it has to be their choice. No one can tell you if something is worth fighting for. You will never know for sure if you daughter will adjust to not knowing her father. But here is something to think about, would it be worse for your daughter to grow up thinking that she is worthless and that love is being hurt or having to deal with the fact that her daddy just couldn't get it together enough to play a major role in her life and her mommy cared and loved herself enough to remove them from the abuse and get help. Personally I think the latter is the better way to go, but that's just my opinion. The first thing you must realize is that an abuser wants you to feel all alone and that you have no support, that you worthless, you are in the wrong, no one will believe you or be on your side, etc. This is how they gain control and may even manipulate things in your lives to solidify this control by truly separating you from any support you might have. Know that you are not alone, there are so many wonderful people here on Gather that have such amazing stories about how they have and are working on overcoming abusive relationships. There are great shelters and caring people in just about every city that are more than willing to help you in any way they can. From what I've heard disability is a horrifically difficult benefit to receive, it entails years of fighting to get. It is frustrating but maybe if you could find someone, maybe on gather, who has been able to achieve the benefit they could help you and tell you what worked for them or how they were able to do it. The Internet has a plethora of information, networking, and help.
To be honest, I really can't say if it will "always" get worse, but from what I have seen, unless something is done, for the most part it will get worse.
Shelters are there to help you, to support you through the transition process. Your man may very well try to fight dirty, try to take your daughter, make a scene at the shelter. You have to understand that these things are possible and the shelters are aware of the volatile nature of abusers and whatever he does is not your fault, you don't deserve any of the blame. What he does is a choice he makes and he has to live and deal with the consequences. You simply need to protect yourself and daughter as much as possible. I have never been in a shelter myself, but unless you are truly a horrible mother, I don't think they would call CPS on you. The whole reason you are there is to get help and do the right thing for you and your child and they are there to help you do that. Some of the shelters offer help in finding jobs, apartments, etc. It really just depends on the funding the shelter receives as to what their resources may be. That is another thing you can research online as long as it is safe for you to do so with out your abuser finding out and hurting you. As far as trust goes, in my opinion trust is earned and that goes for anyone. I do not have blind trust. Coming from a place of such pain it will be harder for you to trust, it will be a hard road, but I'm sure you will find someone you can trust. Again no one can tell you if being hit once or twice is not a big deal. For me, it would be. I personally would have a problem from the first hit, but these things occur gradually. They tend to start out with mental abuse and slowly work into physical. From what I have seen it doesn't stop there, but I can't tell you what is right for you…you have to decide that for yourself. As for verbal, emotional, or mental abuse…yes, they ARE abuse, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. No one deserves to be abused in any shape or fashion.
I'm not sure what options are out there for you in regards to funding that would just need to be researched. Possibly someone on here might know. As for people putting you down, as a mother there are so many judgmental people out there, don't let what they think affect what you know about yourself. I know it's difficult, but you need to try not to worry about what others think of you or if they will be mad at you. This is your life and as long as you know you are doing all that you can and trying your best, no one can fault you and no one has the right to fault you. You take care of yourself and your daughter and don't worry about anyone else.