House of Cards--Chapter One of my first crime story... but not in the contest

excellent read, I'll be on the look out for the next chapter

Wonderfully written and a great cliff hanger. Looking forward to chapter 2

thanks for sharing..

This was very, very good. The only suggestion I would make is that the phone call seemed to come a bit too early in the story to really make sense. I would suggest stretching for at least another couple of paragraphs before getting to that call. Maybe have some boring calls, such as a telemarketer, or Amy gushing about some date she had, and have Jesse seem bored and sighing and then suddenly alert at her sister's voice. I'd move her away from the machine as the messages play through and then have her run back to it. Of course, this is your novel, so do as you like.

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Hosted by the Crime Writers Writing Hole:

What: A short piece of fiction, limit 25,000 words, in the crime/mystery/thriller genre. Must be in first person the whole way through, only one character speaking. Here's the catch-the character speaking has to be one of the villains, or badguys, or whatever you want to call him/her. It has to be titled, have a beginning middle and end, and follow Freytag's pyramid, at least roughly. IN THE TITLE WINDOW, MAKE SURE TO WRITE CWWH CONTEST-YOUR TITLE.

Who: YOU! Post to as many groups as you like but IT MUST BE POSTED TO THE CRIME WRITERS GROUP.

How: Entries will be judged on CREATIVITY/UNIQUENESS, CHARACTER (the one you're writing from the POV of; believability, etc.), PROSE/STYLE, and RATINGS/COMMENTS.

Why: Just because. It's fun to write, read, and vote.

When: Entry deadline is Dec. 25. Voting ends Jan. 31. Winners will be notified in February as well as announced.

Where: The Crime Writers Writing Hole

Oh yeah, and make the font readable. Goes without saying. Any other questions, comment here.

to groups: !!! They're Coming To Take Me Away Ha Ha Ho Ho He He Post Anything Group !!!, *~* We won't tell you what you can & can't post here, if you don't tell us what we can & can't post on Gather (unless you run Gather). Now, let's all write our lil hearts out and/or have some fun! ~*~, A Place for Opinions, All Posts Welcome!!!, Any Article, Image, Poem, Story or First Chapters Reject, Authors' Meeting Place, Bartok Fans, Creativity, ESCAPE FROM BOREDOM!, Fiction Addiction, Gather Essentials: Writing, Go ahead ~ POST, POST, POST !, Nonconformists, None of Us Are Utilitarians But We'll Debate Ethics With You Anyways, Poetically Incorrect, Poets and Writers, Red Serenity-Pasta Lovers Unite, SOMETHING NEW EVERYDAY, TELL A JOKE, READ A JOKE!, The Book Nook, The Crime Writers Writing Hole, The FC Fan Club, The Reader's Lounge, Writers Get Noticed, Writing because we can
tags: short fiction, crime contest, cwwh, ylanne sorrows, crime, flash fiction fiction, short story, contest, writer, crime writers, crime fiction, author, writing, writing contest

very good writing. I will be looking forward to the next chapter.

Thanks all...this has been a bit of a difficult story to write...for me, anyway.
Ylanne, thanks for the suggestions, however you don't want to add boring details to your opening chapters because...well, it's boring. :-P The two messages are both from her sister..hence why they're the only ones she's listening to. I don't know if I'll post the next chapter since this book will go on submission as soon as it's completed. But, I'm glad you all enjoyed it. =)

I liked this. There is tension, suspense, a conflict. All good things. Jesse seems believable and, if we don't know her well enough to figure out her personality (do we like her, don't we?), we can certainly sympathize with her position.

Nice start.

Wonderful read. Jesse is a great character!

Terri you are a tease. Very good first chapter that leaves you wanting to read more and find out what happens but your not posting the rest?

realy good i can not waite for the next chapter i want to know what happened WILL IT BE ANY TIME SOON YOU WILL HAVE TO E MAIL ME TO LET ME KNOW WHEN IT WILL BE OUT THANKS

Sorry Penny. ;-) First, it isn't done, second, it goes out on submission when it is and posting the whole thing is a big no-no to publishers wanting to buy.
I'm glad you like it though....I've been a bit hesitant about writing lately and this story has been simmering for a while.

Are you really going to leave us all hanging?????? I may have to flag you for being cruel and not finishing this out!!! :O)~ At least let me know when it's published so I can go get my copy!!!!

Now I'm angry that I read it b/c I want MORE MORE MORE

Pssst - since we are almost neighbors can I come read the rest - I'll buy you a frappacino - I won't tell anyone else it'll be our secret!- SSSSSSSSHHHHHH!! :O)~

LOL Barb! You're too funny! Tell ya what though, when I start sending to my beta readers, I'll add you to the list. ;-)

Great first chapter Terri! I am definitely a fan and would like to read more. So would you please keep me informed when it gets published or if you decide to post more.

Great start. Let us know what happens with this story, Terri!

Nice beginning. One thing that hasn't been pointed out is the over use of "her". Try to write some of them out. Comes off as heavy echo. Fishish this. I'd be interested in seeing more.

Lots of strong emotion, well told. Great start!

that was good

Very good, Terri.

Terri,

I love this chapter...Just one question. I thought that the character speaking has to be one of the villians/bad guys... I know that we probably will never get the chance to read chapter 2 but I'd hate to think of Jesse as a bad guy.

Thank you Tammy, I'm happy you liked it.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by I thought that the character speaking has to be one of the villians/bad guys..

I'm sorry you were not able to finish your book in time for the contest. You would have made a formidable opponent!

Hi Terri, I'm new to Gather. I just entered the Court TV Crime Writer's Contest with my novel Intimate Murder. I just read your chapter and thought that the storyline sizzled! Good job! Are you entering this one in another contest? I'd like to learn about more of the contests. It's fun! If you have the time, check out my chapter in Intimate Murder.

Thank you Pat and Rita. Glad you liked it.

Pat, I just haven't had the time to work on this book because I've been in edit mode on another book. Eventually this one will get done.

Awww....looks like someone retaliated and hit my chapter.....that I posted for no reason whatsoever....with a one. Either that, or they were jealous. hahaha...yeah that's it. ;-P Whatever....if they didn't want my critique, they shouldn't have asked.

(okay...dun talking to myself.) heheh

Great job Terri. Nice foreshadow of dream within reality. Truly suspenseful.

I'm impressed.
Romance AND Crime writer!
And both offerings rife with your non-stop energetic flow.
This offering has a great ,frenetic pace and rich character development. You always paint with such vibrant color!
My one negative critique...why oh why Bartles and James wine coolers...Gak! :) (A personal dislike for those 'soda pop' wine coolers.)
I hope to see this progress to the next round,Terry, as you have the chops for writing,good,meaty and satisfying story.
Good Luck!
Thank you.

Terry, I enjoyed reading this. It makes me think I should give up writing. I wish I had your talent.

You're too sweet June....my talent isn't anywhere near I'd like it....okay, that made sense in my head. ;-P

This book still has a long way to go...right now I'm just hoping to complete it so I can move onto the revision/edit process. (and start book four!)

Thanks for reading! And, Sheila, you're way too kind.

I'm not much of a drinker so I stick to the "soda pop" alcohol drinks...mostly Sky Blue or Smirnoff Ice. ;-)

Terri
I was drawn to your story by a critique you wrote. I said to myself, this must be a writer--and I was right! I also agree with with your "boring details" remark above.
If I were to critique HOUSE OF CARDS I would probably suggest you cut some of it, epecially the anatomical glitches. Good luck with all of your work.

DRY HEAT

Now did you want to make me anxious, Terri, 'cause now I'm worried about everybody!;)

Heh....thanks Elizabeth. You're too sweet. I appreciate you reading.

;-)

Oooo....I LOVE it!!

Hi Terri,

This. Kicks. Butt.

That sums up my feelings about HOC. The rest is details! So I'll give my criticism right away. It's "Bartles and Jaymes," with a y. There. Now I've provided some editorial value :P...

The writing is descriptive, but what really makes this stand out to me is the nonstop, even oppressive sense of (a) panic and (b) guilt. I really, really liked starting with the crash dream/flashback so that Jesse's nerves are already shot...and then her sister comes flying in out of left field. The guilt ranges from the petty ("whoops, forgot to check my messages") to the profound ("I abandoned my sister to someone I knew was bad"). Even if Jesse really didn't have a choice about that abandonment; it was Alicia's call. Still.

It's a nice touch to have Alicia living in the old family home. Coming back *should* be comforting for Jesse; that it is anything but adds to the dread.

Jesse's hysterical reaction to the cop is right on point -- she *ought* to come out slowly with her hands raised, but she's freaked out beyond all sense and does what most of us would do...just runs out and starts talking a mile a minute! Good thing Officer Mendoza isn't jumpy... I don't think she's going to get in immediate trouble with the cops, although they'll certainly want to know what brought her there. But I don't think she's going to get as much help as she'd like either, if any. It's going to be a long, rough haul for her trying to figure out what's been going on in the last seven years! It makes for a great mystery. Jesse doesn't seem like the kind of person who willingly involves herself in trauma -- you've already established her as someone who has a hard time getting over it. But she has no choice. And that's what gives the story real bite. Anyway, if you're still looking for beta readers, I'd love to see the rest of it (yeah, it's mostly so I can see what happens, but I promise I'll give useful feedback too!).

Kate

Good first chapter. Your Protagonist is driving the plot. I like that.

Thank you so much Kate...for every word in your comment! Wow....I don't know if you're just very perceptive, read the mms behind my back....or if I actually did a good job of building Jesse's character. haha

I've been toying with reworking the opening...cutting the dream...but I like that you understood why it's there. (an agent friend didn't like it....could just be how it was written though.)

I have a few readers (aka critique partners) who are writers and a couple who are just readers but I could definitely use someone who writes this genre to give me feedback....especially someone who doesn't know me personally (and isn't afraid they might offend me...which I wouldn't be). ya know? ;-)

I'm hoping to get back to this story soon (it's a heavy hope)....it kind of stalled at 30K words.

Thank you again for stopping by. Good luck to you with the FCC contest!

You know something Terri I don't usually read crime stories
but I got way to interested and couldn't stop.

You hooked me with this one!
I am home alone & in the middle of this I got scared. lol
Keep this story going.
I would love to read more of this one.

Thank you Barbara, how are ya girl?

Thank you Alexis, I'm so glad you enjoyed my work in progress. You all make me want to tie myself to my chair and finish this book! ;-)

I loved it. Crisp, clean, suspense, and I think its a winner...Well done Terri. Good luck

Thanks Paul. Long time no hear. ;-)

Great reading. Love the story so far. Keep up the good work.

wow terri..glad I got out and read this.....well finally...huh

Dropping by to read and rate. a ten for your efforts, and good luck in the contest. If you don't mind, swing by Narcguys and give it a read as well!

Thank you for the ten David....I'm not in the contest though. ;-) This was just a post for the heck of it....and to get feedback on it. First chapters are always the hardest to write.

Thank you to all who've read and liked. =)

Thank you so much Julie! It's always great to have fresh eyes to point out what I might have missed....or didn't explain well enough. I tend to do a lot of foreshadowing when I write (most times unintentionally..hah) so any minor confusions are usually answered within a few chapters. But, yes, the next chapter the cop says why he's there. I haven't decided if I'm going to post the next part but if I do it will be after the FCC contest so as not to confuse anyone.

Thanks again! I really appreciate it!

And....I'm really glad we connected too! ;-)

Terri,

So I'm guessing you didn't post this in the FCC because the manuscript wasn't finished?

You always do the critical thing with me, so I'm going to actually pick a nit. This is something I see a lot (not in your stuff actually, but in a lot of the romance chapter) and it's maybe not the best way of weaving in backstory. Some will include something they really want us to know about a character, but do so in a way that makes us think, wow, they really wanted us to know that, rather than blending it in. That struck me about this sentence: "Normally she enjoyed living vicariously through Amy's erotic encounters, since Jesse hadn't had a serious date in over three years, but thanks to her dream she was no longer in the mood." This is sort of unusual for you. Maybe a smooth, subtle way of telling us about her nonexistent romantic life would be something like: "Going three years without a real date usually had a way of making Jesse interested in Amy's erotic encounter. After the dream, though, she was definitely not in the mood." Ha! Now I can say I have critiqued a published author.

But on to what I really thought of your chapter. First, I love the setting. The border area is intriguing and, apart from moron politicians blustering about it, seldom discussed. Most fiction about this area involves people passing through it. So I'm glad you're staying with it. This can be not only an engaging read, but a cultural immersion for us (which is part of what I'm trying to do with my FCC).

You characterizations and descriptions are excellent (you introduce us to Alicia, her life, her secrets, to Amy and to Jesse with spare verbage, but enough that we grasp them perfectly). There are some very interesting conceits in this chapter that hook us and drag us forward toward chapter 2: Jesse's post traumatic stress problems (how will her own troubles interfere with her investigation of what's happened with her sister); the unexpected presence of the Brownsville Police (was it Jesse's pounding that brought them or did they know a crime had been committed). Great way to end the chapter.

All in all this is very professional and seamlessly written. This one will likely end up in print as well, eh? Good luck with it. --Laz

Medicine People 2