Military Humor

A collection of wit at the expense of the military from The Good Clean Funnies List. I hope you enjoy them... 

******************** 

Military Man

A career military man, who had retired as a master sergeant, was telling the new recruits how he handled officers during his years of service.

"It didn't matter a hoot if he was a full bird colonel, major general, an admiral, or what! I always told those guys exactly where to get off."

"Wow, you must have been something," the admiring young soldiers remarked. "What was your job in the service?"

"Elevator operator in the Pentagon."

*****
Military Veterans

TELLING WAR STORIES

Shooting the breeze down at the Veteran's hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."

"Mine," boasted another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."

"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."

"What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.

"Nothing much. But he would be a hundred 165 years old."

Andychap@aol.com
ALPHA Mailing List
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
VETERANS ADMINISTRATION

The Veterans Benefit Administration, concerned that it took an average of 151 days to decide whether a veteran was disabled, spent $94 million on new computers to speed up claims. Now it takes 140 days.

Henry Cate III
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
VETERANS DAY

Only seven-year-old Ryan had anything to say about Veterans Day. "Why is Veterans Day on the calendar?" he asked. "Is it the day dogs go to the veteran?"

Kids Are Still Saying the Darndest Things by Dandi Daley Mackall
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
PREVENTING BOMBING

During World War II, why did Charles DeGaulle put ugly female sheep in the woodlands of France to keep the Luftwaffe from bombing?

"Because.... homely ewes can prevent forest flyers..."

Harry B. Reeder
Profusions of Puns Gaggles of Groaners
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
THE TOP 11 LEAST KNOWN FACTS IN WORLD MILITARY HISTORY

11. Santa Ana really just wanted to use the Alamo's bathroom, but didn't know how to ask in English.

10. Hannibal did not lead elephants across the Alps to fight the Romans. In 218 BC, elephants pretty much went wherever the heck they wanted.

9. France won WW II all by themselves without the help of the Allies. Just ask them.

8. The Civil War was actually fought over the Confederacy's right to keep old cars on their lawns.

7. Nazi POW camps were *exactly* as depicted in "Hogan's Heros."

6. In the Civil War battle of "Sleepy Creek," 80% of all Confederate casualties were named "Jessup".

5. The Battle of Stalingrad was actually fought just outside of Scranton, Pennsylvania.

4. Contrary to popular belief, the French actually possess an army.

3. "Sherman's March to the Sea" was really led by Mr. Peabody.

2. The Boxer Rebellion was actually started by the Pugs.

1. Code words for Israelis? pre-emptive strike in the Six Day War -- "Torah! Torah! Torah!"

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]

*****
Military Time

My wife never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the orderly room to speak with me. The person who answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal hall.

"He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am," the soldier advised.

With a sigh of exasperation, my wife responded, "And just what time is that?"

*****
Military Services

One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three year lease with an option to buy.

*****
British Military

The British Military writes EPRs and officer fitness reports. The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are ACTUAL EXCERPTS taken from people's "206's"....

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this Officer.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

--

Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA

The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php