Got Milk???

As a veteran mother I have come upon so many ironies in parenthood.   The biggest of them has to be breastfeeding.  Yes, I said BREAST-feeding!  As uncomfortable as the word BREAST-feeding makes people, that is what I’m currently doing.  As I type this I have a child latched on to my nipple drinking milk produced by none other than ME!  For 9 months I was told by every doctor and nurse, at every opportunity, that breastfeeding is best for my baby.  Now, for three months since the birth of my child, every doctor, nurse, and nutritionist has encouraged me to continue feeding with this tried and true ancient method.  So why, may I ask, does it make people so uncomfortable?  Men and women alike don’t want to see it or talk about it.  People expect me to find a quiet room, secluded from the world, to feed my baby.  They expect a blanket to be covering not only my amazingly beautiful breasts (what was once small is now FANTASTIC!) but the baby’s head as well.  Imagine this, a hot summer’s day.  I’m sitting on a park bench with a baby latched to my bare breast and a blanket covering both of us.  Within 5 minutes of feeding we are both dripping sweat.  Her hair is now plastered to her head, milk is dribbling from the corner or her mouth, and her cheeks have turned bright pink with heat.  As I cover myself I wipe as much of the sweat from my body as possible. Then I stand and realize, not only do I have big wet milk circles bringing attention to both of my overly large breasts, but I now have sweat spots all over the stomach of my shirt (sadly, not only does this look ridiculous, but it brings attention to the baby roll around my stomach I haven’t yet worked off!).  As if the smells of spit-up, poop, pee, and milk surrounding me weren’t enough, now I’ve got to stink of sweat as well.  Not even Bath and Body Works could cover scents like this! 

So loud and proud I am flaunting my breastfed baby, it’s not like she’s a five-year old child running up to take a quick slurp as she plays at the park!  Here is my list of things I LOVE to do while breastfeeding just to make people uncomfortable.

1.       Carry on normal conversation while the baby is suckling loudly at my breast.

2.       Wear a t-shirt that says, “Got Milk?” with milk circles on each breast.

3.       Answer the front door with my baby latched on.

4.       Cup both my breasts when my milk drops in public, and then when people give me strange looks say, “Milk, it does a body good!”

5.       When in the store and the baby starts fussing, coo things like, “Does baby girl want booby?”, “In a minute you can suck on mommy’s booby?”, “Don’t cry little booby-baby?”, “Mommy’s boobies need you too, huney!”

6.       When having the baby latched on in public, say things like, “Is that yummy, dolly?  Daddy likes it too!”

7.       After unlatching the baby, hold her up for the people around to see and say, “Milk mustache!”

8.       Carry my nipple cream around in my purse and conveniently drop it out of my purse each time I pull out my wallet in the check-out lane saying, “Oh!  Definitely don’t want to lose that!” And then hold it up for the people behind me to see and say, “Good stuff!  I really recommend this brand!”

9.       Say, “I hope this doesn’t make anyone uncomfortable.” After I’ve already latched the baby on.  I mean, really, what are they gonna say?  “Actually, it does make me uncomfortable.  Do you think you could stop feeding the child that was just screaming and move to a new location?”  Instead they end up saying , “No you’re good.” As their face turns red and they avoid eye contact.

10.    Whenever a stranger comments about how cute or big she is I’ll say, “That’s cuz she’s breastfed.  She really loves the booby that one! Don’t you, baby?”