Won't Cook:
I put a roast in the oven one noon hour and set the timer; a feature I hadn't used yet. Before leaving work that afternoon, I phoned my 14-year-old son to ask him to check the roast and peel some potatoes. Minutes later he called back. "Mom, the roast isn't cooked. The oven didn't come on."
The roast was on the menu again the following day, but this time, since I stopped by the house after a business lunch, I decided to turn the oven on myself. Again before leaving work, I called my son to check the roast and get the potatoes started. Again he called me back. "The roast still isn't cooked."
"Listen," I said. "I know the oven's on. I turned it on before I left. I didn't use the timer."
"Oh, the stove's working fine," he told me. "It's just that the roast is still in the refrigerator."
Biggest Liar:
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher asked, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answered, "We found a ten-dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
Three Day Silence:
My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.
She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight." she said
"That'll teach them!" I replied.
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