I am back on my game today; my feelings of being overwhelmed and angry all day yesterday have all but dissipated today, and I am abundantly grateful. Right now it is the most lovely fall day here in Idaho, cool and crisp with that particularly beautiful light that only appears in the fall, and I am at work, looking out my huge window and munching on a bag of BBQ corn nuts (these corn nuts are really and truly the ONLY reason I am glad Owen isn't nursing anymore!). I have been thinking about all that has transpired in the last 24 hours to bring me back to this place where I am strong again, and I am just amazed at how simple it sometimes is to get back to where you belong.
This is what helped me: I went to pick up Sam at Scouts and pretended like I really gave a shit that they talked about milk and are going on a field trip to a dairy next week-one which also has some sheep that are very easily scared and will faint, so the dairy owner is actually letting the boys bring noisemakers in order to see if they can witness this phenomenom. So I was busy nodding my head and, like I said, pretending that I was excited, and I got this mental image of 8 boys running through a field trying to make sheep faint, and hey, it is FUNNY. So I went to pick Owen up at daycare, and he was especially sweet and funny, climbing all over Jacquie's pumpkins and running around the yard with Sam, swaggering in that big-diapered-bottom way he has, and I sat on the porch with Jaquie and smoked and cried. After that, off to Parent Teacher Conferences, where I was told that Sam is brilliant (of course) and that we should think about moving him up a grade (not happening). Home for dinner, a visit from some friends from church, a trip to take Hannah to a church activity....and even though I wasn't aware of it, these normal, everyday things that I do were a reminder, however subtle, of just why I DO keep trying.
I am not and never have been one of those women who had kids and lost her brain. I love them, I would do anything in the world to help them and would gladly kill for any one of them. But they are NOT my life, or rather are only a part of what makes up my life. However, having children has changed the way I think about things, how I view the world. I look around at the apathy in our country, the willingness to overlook problems and not get involved, and I think it is the coward's way out. Me, I want something better; I want my kids to have a world in which they feel part of something, I want so badly for things to be better for them. For me, turning a blind eye is not the way to go about it. Keeping quiet when I feel strongly about something is not the way to go about it. Kissing ass in order to placate others is also not the way to go about it. And, most importantly, neither is giving up.
rate
email
print
link to this page
Comments: 4
Really great post.
I agree about not losing who you are. I also have 4, but also have a great husband and have not had to do the single parent thing. I love my kids and have been really involved with them, but never to the point I lost who I was and what I wanted in life. Seems some do seem to.
I also like to change my corner of the world. While I may not impact a large group the ones I do impact I hope will find it helpful. Like you I try to take action, even if it is in a different way.
Alaskagirl76
I raised 4 daughters as a semi-single parent. He showed up between projects and made enough to pay all the bills. When his girls would ask what he looked like, I'd let him know. I'd see him at night but they were already in bed. Like Dena, I'm sort of in an odd place now the youngest graduated high school and the school year is no longer on my calendar.
I never "lost" myself as a mother and always had some type of work and social activities that were not totally kid related. I did occasionally "tuck myself into a safe zone" because I knew the demands of being a parent would need to be a priority. It's really only a few years of our adult life but those are the primary years for our children.
Now I really have the time to make a difference for my children's future and the best part is, they are on-my-side. That's what I think the secret is, creating a better world, one child at a time - first.