It's Coming On...mania
by Beverly T.
This morning I snapped awake. Oh, oh...I never do that. I should be dead tired, but I'm not. I jumped out of bed (another bad sign for me). I shouldn't feel this much energy after only a 4-hour sleep. Sleep? When did I get to sleep? Let's see...about 6 AM. I couldn't get tired enough to drift off. I didn't even try. I just stayed right here glued to the computer reading, reading, reading.
I haven't felt like this in...let's see...more than 6 months. About 8 or 9 maybe. Thinking back I went through a checklist in my mind. Sudden flashes of anger...check. Rage and accusation...check. Blaming...check. Thoughts that everyone else was stupid and only I had the ideas right...check. Trying to get everyone else to recognize my superior ways...check. Screaming...check. Talking faster...check. Oh, dear. This sounds just too familiar.
What am I thinking? "We live in a pigpen!" I shrilled to my husband yesterday. It didn't help that we had just found piles of sopping wet laundry downstairs in the basement. How did they get that way? I was yelling, "Why didn't you notice this sooner? How could you have not noticed this?" Etc. Etc. Raging. Fuming. Hurtful words. Accusations. Poison.
Yep, this is an onset of mania. It didn't need help from a backed up drain pipe soaking loads of laundry that didn't get noticed until we could smell it upstairs. But it got it. I hate mania. For one thing, it sneaks up on me. Hits me in the face and then squares off to fight with the other undeserving and sometimes surprised members of my family. This is how mania is manifested in me. I get unreasonably angry. More than angry--furious. Raging. I have to control a desire to punch something or someone, usually for no good reason at all.
Yes, I mentioned in another article that I usually liked the manic stage of Bipolar Disorder. Well, when I can talk faster, think faster, and create all kinds of creative ideas I do. But I'm not experiencing any of that this time. I'm in physical pain. It hits me in the back. My muscles are tightly gripping it. Ouch! I'm grouchy and pick fights over nothing. I know better than to treat my family this way. I know to be polite and understanding. Even as words spew out of my mouth, I am mentally scolding myself for being brutish. So later today I apologized to everyone, each person individually, face to face.
Once I acknowledge I'm entering a manic stage, it becomes a little easier to manage. I realize the thoughts racing in my mind are hurtful and painful to others. I try to take some control over my thinking patterns, turning from blame to accepting this phase and rolling with it. It's important for me to work hard at replacing the raging, out-of-control thoughts with calmer, truthful thoughts. No one soaked the laundry piles on purpose. It was an accident. The city was flushing the drains and some water must have come up through the drain in the floor. It's important to replace the turmoil in the mind with calm reason.
It's times like this that I become grateful that I love the Lord Jesus Christ and have the Bible nearby. I turn to the Psalms. I have long ago found that David the Shepherd, David the King, and then David the Warrior had a unique talent for summarizing destructive thoughts and turning them into trusting thoughts as he took stock of his problems and held them up against God's lovingkindness.
David knew what it was like to experience anguish and anger and distrust. He had been betrayed by his own son. He knew what it felt when life was unfair. His own Generals deserted him. If you look closely at some of the Psalms, you'll find that there's a pattern. David turns his troubled thoughts over to God every single time they attack him. What a terrific strategy for anyone who suffers from depression, anxiety, suffering, loneliness, friendlessness, rage, hopelessness and other emotions that can leave us feeling left outside life's window looking in.
I'm fortunate that I experience this part of bipolar only about twice a year, unless something extreme triggers it. I remember the last trigger. It was about 8-9 months ago in the coldest part of winter. That was one of my worst episodes. You should have seen the look on my son's face when I let loose and shrieked! A banshee couldn't have produced a better one. Fortunately I had medications to take then. They do help some. The mania stayed with me a week.
This time around, I don't have the right medications available. Long story. No time. I don't expect this to be over very quickly. I hope I'll sleep tonight.
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Comments: 29
Sue, my mom was an angry manic and we just hated that part of her cycles. After they were done she never could remember being angry. Amnesia, a common problem with bipolar. Because of her, I became very determined to get help, get on medication, learn to tone down the fury. I feel bad that this time around I don't have my medications.
Danielle, praying helps a lot! Thanks!
Glen, it took years of trying hard to be proactive about my bipolar, recognizing symptoms, heading them off, keeping up with meds, etc. It's hard work managing a mental illness, but it usually pays off. But sometimes I slip up, like this time, not having my meds. It's rare that I run out.
You know it, Heather! Thanks for your prayers. I managed to talk to hubby this afternoon and apologize for being so harsh with him. Whew! I just hate being "witchy."
I am sorry that you are going through this. I know what it's like to an extent, yours is worse than mine, but we can still help each other. It was nice chatting w/you & being silly & relaxing tonight.
I haven't heard from you in a bit, so I hope you are sleeping soundly.
(either that or my last comment about the eye patches scared you away)
Fortunately, when I wrote this, the Mania was abating. I don't get Mania very often. Maybe twice or three times a year. It's quick, fierce, and then it's gone.
Of course, put Menopause on top of that, and my family sometimes has to run for the hills. But I DON'T throw anything (hubby said his friend told him to watch out because his wife threw things in her "fits.").
I like the impromtu chats. We'll have to do that again! I'm up at this time of night almost every night-a night owl; I do my best thinking at this time.
Joan, I feel very grateful that I know the Lord and that He helps me through these cycles. Not that He takes them away, but I know He walks with me through them. I don't think I'd be as emotionally healthy as I am today if I didn't have His loving care and Presence with me. I know that even if I have a hard time making and keeping friends because of this horrible brain dysfunction, I know He will never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5). He accepts me just as I am,
Hi Bevery , was leaving you a comment about I think his name is Anson Williams, I can't remember and telling you to google to find help in getting free medications and the above is a site that you can sign up on and see if you can get help. Just try it, it can't hurt, and it may help you a whole lot, for you and the rest of your family. I did it myself, just to see, and since I found it, try the link.
I would encourage anyone else who suffers from any type of depression or mood swings or any type of mental illness to write down your thoughts and feelings while going through the episodes. I found that it helped me to avoid believing the destructive things I was telling myself.
We can't always stop how we feel during a manic episode or a depressive episode, but we can refuse to believe all our minds are telling us. I choose to be proactive in dealing with my bipolar, instead of being reactive. But it's hard work and it takes lots of practice.
The Bible, especially Psalms, are the perfect place to look for inspiration for dealing with this. But I've always wondered if the New Testament didn't have its share of heroes that dealt with depression and mania. Look at the rash way Peter acted at times. In many way he seems like the epitome of a manic-depressive person in that he runs his mouth and then is extremely withdrawn & ashamed of his actions. Please don't take that the wrong way - I believe the Bible represents all of us and mentally ill people are not well-represented. But what if Peter, one of the primary Apostles, was bipolar? His actions make me wonder. Paul also talks about the thorn in his side. Many believe it to be blindness or epilepsy, but I have to believe that a man of his faith and conviction would not allow physical ailments to drag him down. Instead, I believe that it was either a sin pattern of some sort or a mental illness that he had. And what was God's response? God's grace is sufficient. Trust in God - He will see us though.
Your writing was something I really enjoyed. I come from a mother who was and still is very shallow. She can talk about some things as long as the conversation is fairly "light", nothing TOO deep. What is my point?
I am totally her opposite, a deep person, very deep.
I think that you might be a deep person too.
I like that !
Did you ever think about Saul and his behavior toward David when Saul was king of Israel? I always loved how music helped to calm him. I've found that to be true for myself, too. Saul always sounded rather bipolar to me.
And yes, the Psalms are a wonderful place to study, especially in light of how open David was about his emotional torments. He confessed to having fears and anger toward the unjustness of the world, but in the end of most of his songs and poetry, he always came back to the place where he found the most solace, God.
And I do try very hard to go into "seclusion" when the angry mania begins. I would rather be isolated than hurt someone else by splashing them with my angry bursts. As it is, I have to make myself reflect on what I say during that period of time and then go about asking for forgiveness of each of the family members (and others) whom I offended or stormed at.
Cayenne, I have gone online for years and found very little that helps in practical ways dealing with my bipolar. Most of the websites are medical in nature and are all about taking your medications, seeing doctors, etc. etc. What we really need are more coping strategies. We need more assistance in how to deal with living with our bipolar. Perhaps the lack of material online is due to the fact that those of us diagnosed with a mental illness are not yet seen as capable of handling our diagnosis ourselves, or perhaps they don't realize that we are thinking, breathing, real live people. Whatever the problem, I think we can do something about it. That's what I'm doing here at Gather. I have a lot to say, and I plan on saying it!
I know your frustrating with your Mom, Cayenne. I run into people like that all the time. My pastor thinks I'm too reflective, self-contemplative. We've had some very long talks. Being a "normal" person, I don't think he quite grasps the nature of this mental illness. It tends to make those of us who suffer with it very self-centered--out of necessity. I really want to explain this to him, but I haven't found the words yet that would do the trick. But I'm still trying.
Keep reading.
I am Not My Diagnosis
Book Review on Coping with Bipolar Disorder
What I had to grow up is the topic of another article some day. My Mom was/is bipolar, but it has gone undiagnosed and untreated. There were a lot of things going on in my home that I thought was normal. All I can say now is Praise God for college. I had some terrific roomates and we talked a lot. I got an interesting understanding of what normal really was and was not.
Most of what I grew up with was manic rage. At first, my brother and I thought Mom was a "rage-a-holic." A real one. He and I used to search the library and talk together to find out what was the problem. It's a real pity that he died of leukemia when he was 17. Mom always listened to him. If he had actually found out her real problem, she may have gotten treatment and all our lives would have been completely different. Whew! Blows the mind!
So I really do hope this is helping you out. I have just begun to write a series of articles that should be very practical for anyone dealing with any mental illness, regardless of the degree or type. I hope you'll enjoy it.
Strategies for Living With a Mental Illness Tip #1
Strategies for Living With a Mental Illness Tip #1
I'd love to be an email buddy. Thanks!
Support Group: To Be or Not to Be, Do I Have a Choice?
Strategies for Living With a Mental Illness Tip #1
Depression is Real website
for everyone could use a bit more during the holidays
I Hope you and yours have a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!