1
Monday, October 15th
The hospital room shone a bright white as its fluorescent lights shimmered radiantly. It seemed like a tranquil room, one full of purity, but looks can certainly be deceiving.
Inside the bed lay Police Chief Tyler Holmes, his face completely wrapped in gauze; the lower half tainted with blood. Holmes’ fingers were all mangled and contorted. Splints had been placed on each one to try and straighten them out.
Every so often a nurse or doctor would check up on him, but for the most part he lay in the room alone. He was the only person who knew who barbarically murdered a group of people in the small town of Bridgton, Maine.
He was the only one that could tell the story.
But he couldn’t speak.
A young nurse entered the room and walked over to Holmes. “Mr. Holmes, there’s a man that would like to see you. I’m not even sure if he should come in here without Officer Williams present, but he said it was extremely urgent,” the nurse paused for a moment. “He says he’s someone you know.”
Holmes’ eyes were glossy, either from the tranquilizers that were given to him to reduce his pain or because he wanted to say something.
The nurse leaned in closer to Holmes’ face. “I could tell him to come back when you’re feeling better. I’m sure you’re exhausted; you saw a lot of people this morning. You should probably just get some rest.” She looked at his IV. “Maybe he can come back tomorrow.”
Holmes shook his head slowly from side to side. He tried to utter something, but only a nearly silent groan came out.
“So you want to see him?” the nurse asked. “You’re feeling well enough?”
Holmes nodded his head.
“Do you think we should at least wait until Officer Williams gets back?”
Holmes slowly shook his head.
“Okay then,” the nurse said. “Whatever makes you happy makes me happy too,” the nurse said as she walked towards the door.
She walked out of the room.
Friends, police, and reporters had visited Holmes hoping for answers to their questions, but it was all for naught. No one was able to understand him, and with good reason. He could barely understand himself.
He wished that he could turn back the clock and make things right. He resented himself for what he had done, for the mistake he had made. The night played out in his head over and over again. It had constantly haunted him since he had been in the hospital.
It would haunt him forever.
It would be a while until he fully healed. He may never be able to speak again, but once his fingers were mended he would certainly be able to write. And when that happened he would be able to tell the world who killed all those people.
Hopefully the murderer wouldn’t have added any more to his list by then.
Hopefully.
The nurse walked back into the room with the man right behind her. “Here he is, Mr. Holmes,” she said.
Holmes turned his head slowly to see the man, but his eyes were cloudy and he didn’t get a good look. It hardly mattered if he saw him or not. His eyes could not speak for him.
It’s not like they’d be able to say ‘hello.’
The nurse turned to the man. “Like I told you out there,” she started, “he will be unable to answer any questions. A lot of people have come in here to see Mr. Holmes and it seems as if no one has left with what they want. Everyone is searching for answers, but he can’t give them any. He cannot speak or write down anything. So if you’re looking for some answers about all this, you won’t get them. Pretty much all you can get out of him, for now at least, is the shaking or nodding of his head.” She sighed. “And even that has its flaws.” She looked at Holmes’ IV. “He’s been pretty drugged since he got here. He may not even understand what you say. I doubt he’s thinking straight with all that medication.”
The man nodded his head in agreement. “What exactly happened?”
The nurse lowered her voice so that Holmes would be unable to hear her. “As far as I know, sir, when police found him he had his tongue cut out of his mouth and all his fingers were broken.” She quietly cleared her throat. “He also has a pretty severe concussion and a ruptured larynx.”
“That’s terrible,” the man replied. “Absolutely terrible.”
The nurse nodded. “The poor guy’s been through a lot. From what I’ve heard, police are convinced that he knows who did this to him, but the irony in it all is quite incredible,” she said. “He cannot tell anyone what really happened. As hard as he’s tried, it’s pretty much impossible.”
“What a shame,” the man replied with a saddened look on his face. “What about one of those voicebox things? You know, those devices people with throat cancer or what not use? Couldn’t you use one of them?”
The nurse nodded. “We’ve actually tried, but it’s very difficult. The device operates by using the tongue’s vibrations to replicate sound, but in his case it doesn’t do any justice. The vibrations he makes are inaccurately read by the device.”
“So he may never be able to speak again?”
“Not in the way he once did,” the nurse answered. “But once his fingers heal he will be able to communicate. And if his larynx isn’t too badly damaged he may eventually regain some vocal ability. However, without his tongue there’s no telling how understandable he’ll be.”
The man nodded. “Why was he left alive when none of the others were?” he asked.
“I’m not the one you should be asking, sir. I’m just his nurse. If you want to get the details you could just wait around until Officer Williams gets back. He just went downstairs to get some coffee.”
“That’s quite alright, ma’am,” the man replied. “I don’t think I’ll be needing anything from Officer Williams. I just wanted to see Tyler so that I could send him my love and deepest sympathies.”
“I’m sure he’ll appreciate that” she answered with a smile. “I’ll be back in a few minutes to check on him. I hope you get what you came here for.”
“I will,” the man responded.
The nurse walked out of the room.
The man walked closer to Holmes until he was about an inch away from his face. Holmes’ eyes got big as he stared back at the man. They looked as if they were talking.
They were trying to tell everyone that the man who stood before him was the murderer. Holmes tried to get up from the bed, but the medicine had made him so drowsy he could barely move.
Why did he come back? Holmes thought. Was it to finish me off?
He tried to scream, but it came out as muffled silence.
The man pulled away from Holmes’ face. “What’s the matter, Tyler?” he asked. “Cat got your tongue?”
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Comments: 99
Silence can't be muffled or anything else.. it's silence.
Run a find on 'that'
'Mr. Holmes, there's a man that would like to see you.' 'who' would be a better choice here. That is a sneaky word.
Give "MINDSET" a try if you would. It's a bit more intense and racy.
what could be worse than being abandoned to a mass murderer by a dimwitted nurse? On the other hand, if she hadn't walked out of the room the guy would've killed her too, eh? Very engaging and a good set up for the rest of the novel. Good luck in the competition. --Laz
The Medicine People
I've read some of the comments you've given to others . You seem fair and constructive. I hope that you'll have time to review my novel, Kill Me Sweetly.
Thanks!
thom2007
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474977173689
Nice setting and good imigry (sp). I wonder if a nurse would be that free with information about his condition and the reason he's in the hosp. Just a thought.
Paul S.
______________
Two Birds, One Stone
Allegations
Terrific job...yeah, I want to know "why was he (Holmes) left alive when none of the others were," but I have a feeling we will soon find out. And I echo the comments of the other folks here: gripping, suspenseful, and tight writing. I look forward to reading the next chapter.
If you get the chance please read my first chapter of "The Urban Wolf" and let me know what you think. Until then, best of luck and have a Happy Thanksgiving!
Art
If I can point out a couple of things, I'd refer to Strunk & White's "The Elements Of Style" where Strunk explains that an 's is used to form the possessive of singulas nouns even when they end in s. The correct possessive of Holmes is Holmes's. This rule is on page 1 of the book which Stephen King endorses in his instructional book "On Writing."
I'd also look to eliminate all of the adverbs. There is no need to say fully healed. When something or someone is healed, they are fully healed - that's implied. You only need to describe the degree of healing when it's partial.
I try to use adverbs only when necessary, and that's almost never. Why say "Shimmered radiantly" when you can say glistened, or glowed, or just shimmered? Could fluorescent lights shimmer dimly?
A lot of potential here, David. You obviously (I used an adverb... Shoot me LOL) have a layered deep story going here, judging from your comments. I'm interested in seeing where it goes.
Best of luck.
great job, I liked it so much I decided to rate it a 10. Good luck David.
David
The Scent of Humanity
Darned murderer. He must really have it out for Holmes. First he cuts out his tongue and breaks his fingers, but lets him live. Then he comes to terrify him in the hospital, and now the murderer knows Holmes will be able to write eventually.
So Holmes is either going to die or have his hands removed... Ick either way.
Good story! Best of luck in the contest.
Best of luck in the contest!
"Holmes thought" Lose these. Stay in his POV without it. And what Wendy said on "that." Any reader would just see the mistake. Good luck. I know Bridgeton, Maine.
As many have said before, the premise is chilling. The helpless victim, the killer allowed to be alone with him - that's the stuff of nightmares. But as many have also said, the situation was manipulated to an unreal extent to create this scene. Small town or not, police and hospital staff are not that naive. But had you showed us the visitor creating clever diversions, 'happening' to come along at a time when nurses and police quards are (purposely) distracted, then slipping in to confront the helpless Holmes -- that would have us terrified. It makes the killer even more clever and more difficult to stop. I think your premise is compelling enough to make the revision worthwhile.
A few picky points -- "Inside the bed lay Police Chief..." Should be "In the bed". The nurse calls him Mr. Holmes. As you've pointed out before, people's speech patterns don't necessarily follow rules of grammar. But I wonder if she wouldn't use the more respectful title, "Chief Holmes."
Since the Chief seems to communicate fine with nods and head shakes, I can't immagine that investigators wouldn't simply write the alphabet on a poster board and point to letters until names or words were spelled. You have a difficult problem here -- if you make him so out of it that he can't communicate, he won't be fully aware of his killer. But I think you need to address this.
You have a good feel for what terrifies people deeply; good luck.
David
More Deaths Than One
I like the start of this novel. It grabs me and it's somewhat gruesome. You give intriguing clues about what happened previously that make me want to read further. About the adjectives and adverbs, other writers tell me the same thing but by now I ignore that. One of my favorite authors is Nabokov who can throw around a hell of a lot of adjectives and adverbs. Steven King does it, too. It just has to be done right and I don't see any problem with how you've done it. Even redundant phrases like "shimmered radiantly" can work. Some famous writer (I forget who) said that this kind of redundancy drives the point home.
I did think the nurse's dialog could be more consistent. Sometimes she talked like an immature busybody proud to show off what she knew, but other times her explanations, like about the voice device, seemed too technical and precise.
I knew who the visitor was immediately, which would have been OK if I understood why the policeman was gone and why the nurse would let him in. I think some development before this scene would be good. Something where, for example, the policeman talks to the nurse and tells her he's got to pee really bad and they joke about it and he tells her not to tell anyone he's leaving his post for a minute. Something that develops the cop and the nurse as not too bright and unaware of the danger.
Good luck in the competition and with your writing.
And thanks for your comments about my entry, Horror Flick.
thanks for the kind words on If They're Dead, So What. Don S.
You've created a very interesting antagonist here. This story looks like it will be very thrilling. Good luck.
Linda
I feel like I am looking at a platter of delicacies, and can only have one. I want to know more, read more... so that's good! The nurse had me scratching my head. She's either the town gossip, or really bad at her job... but I guess we have to wait to find out! I have a feeling this is one of those stories where you think you have a clue, then find out you don't. This was fun. If you win, I'll buy your book. :) Ka-ching!
You will be there.
White Lies
If you get a chance I'd lovefor you to comment on my entry.
The Flowers That Grow Between
David
Anyway.....your novel is very close to publishing. You have real promise, a sense of restraint and image, in short, a voice. Perhaps stretch out the identity of the visitor a bit. Whatever. Keep writing. Find a good editor and work together. Most important tool for a writer - an editor you trust. Thanks for having the courage to speak out. So many contestants seem afraid to be honest. Good on you.
-Tina
David V.
To all others, for every person that reads my chapter, I read and rate in return, and I only vote 10, because it's all that counts.
Please check out my entry--MURDER IN WINNEBAGO COUNTY--thanks!
Best of luck in the contest!
Kenna
Identity Crisis
David
Nitpick: Holmes' eyes were glossy, either from the tranquilizers that were given to him to reduce his pain or because he wanted to say something. I had trouble visualizing this for some reason. Would "glassy" work better?
Nitpick:"Okay then," the nurse said. "Whatever makes you happy makes me happy too," the nurse said as she walked towards the door.
She walked out of the room. This would be stronger if you lost the second "the nurse said". You might also want to rephrase this to avoid having both the nurse walking toward the door and walking out of the room. Having both seems unnecessary and slows the story down.
Nitpick: It would be a while until he fully healed. He may never be able to speak again, but once his fingers were mended he would certainly be able to write. And when that happened he would You have one present tense phrase in there along with several past tense phrases. I would switch 'may' to 'might'. I would also lose the word 'certainly'. It doesn't buy you anything and slows the story down slightly.
Nitpick: Holmes turned his head slowly to see the man, but his eyes were cloudy and he didn't get a good look. It hardly mattered if he saw him or not. His eyes could not speak for him. I got a little confused as to who "him" was referring to on the first pass. I figured it out on the second pass, but it drew me out of the story a little.
A somewhat more serious problem: I'm having a lot of trouble seeing a nurse let somebody in the room under these circumstances. I would think that the only witness to a multiple homicide would be under police guard 24/7 until he could communicate what had happened. I don't have enough background on the where and why at this point to know for sure, so author gets the benefit of the doubt until I finish the chapter. I suppose a small enough town might not have enough manpower to do that.
Nitpick: The man nodded his head in agreement. "What exactly happened?" I would lose "his head in agreement". It slows the story down and doesn't really add info.
Nitpick:The nurse lowered her voice so that Holmes would be unable to hear her. "As far as I know, sir, when police found him he had his tongue cut out of his mouth and all his fingers were broken." She quietly cleared her throat. "He also has a pretty severe concussion and a ruptured larynx." In this phrase I would change "would be unable to " to "wouldn't". Tightens and simplifies. I would also lose "As far as I know" unless it's important to establish the character of the nurse. You might also want to get rid of "of his mouth". Neither of those phrases seem to add anything to the scene and they slow it down slightly. I would also chop "pretty" in front of "severe concussion". It doesn't tell me enough to be worth its weight.
Okay. Enough with the nitpicks. Feel free to take them or leave them, obviously. None of these things stopped me in my tracks or made me stop reading the story.
Switching to reader mode: Okay, I finished the chapter with no further nitpicks. It seems short. I was barely getting untracked when it ended. I know it's too late for this in this contest, but it might have been better if you had combined two chapters for the purposes of the contest.
What you have is certainly an interesting beginning. A multiple murder. A witness left alive but apparently deliberately left unable to communicate. The murderer visiting the witness, apparently to gloat, or maybe to finish the job. I am interested in finding out what happens next, which I guess says you've done your job.
As to the nitpicks: I would go through this after the contest and tighten it up a bit. I sometimes set myself a goal of cutting the word count on a chapter by 15 percent. I can almost always do it, and the result is always a stronger chapter. In any case, good luck in the contest, and I hope you get what you came for out of it.
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I don't know if you've stopped by my entry Char yet, but if you haven't feel free. Your opinions, and yes, your nitpicks, are welcome.
Your first chapter is awesome! I echo a comment made already, the speed/pace of your story is a movie playing before my eyes.
Have you considered dropping from the race and seeking a movie producer?
WOW! Exciting to say the least
I wish you ALL the best!
Kimberly
The May Day Murders - Chapter One