As of Wednesday I will officially be a member of the sandwich generation, one of the ten million Americans caring for their parents while simultaneously caring for their own children. My mom is moving in with us - oh joy!
A bit of history: My mom is only 54, but has already suffered 2 heart attacks and bi-pass surgery. Oh and she also has severe bi-polar and randomly decides to stop taking her medicine. She has had to be hospitalized seven times in the last 5 years. Unfortunately, the meds they give her to stabilize her quickly have horrible side effects including short term memory loss. It is like talking to an eight year old, so needless to say, she can no longer hold a job. She has applied for social security, but was denied.
Anyway, she has lived with her current boyfriend since 1994 - but he has decided that he can no longer care for her - so he is dumping her on our doorsetp - great guy huh?
This man just made her move to Utah, and then Washington because he has had a difficult time finding himself since his own mom passed away 3 years ago leaving him over $5 million dollars. He is a major part of the reason she stops taking her meds. He tells her that they are making her fat and that he is no longer attracted to her!
Any advice for caring for a parent?
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Comments: 17
Check into support groups and even free respite groups for times when you need a break. Often there is a long waiting list, so you may need to sign up early but good ones have well-trained nurses and other people who can provide respite for short periods while you take a much needed break.
I care for my mother part-time (we have help the rest of the time) as she is in her late 90s and has early onset Alzheimers as well as very mild diabetes. It can be exhausting to balance needs of aging or ill parents and the needs of my husband and family without proper organization.
Good luck, feel free to drop me a line anytime.
P.S. Thanks for commenting on my article about all the free things available in drugstores.
2. Is there possibly some sort of group you could join for when things get to be too much so that you can have some "vent" time? It is so important to remember to get things off your chest. Easier to cope when you have people who will be good listeners for you :)
Unfortunately I don't have any sage advice since I have not got there myself. I can see what my mother goes through when she has to constantly parent her own mother and I know how much she appreciates spending time with me when we just talk. It also helps her so much when she has one other person who she is able to rely on to share some of the load. If you can find someone who is able to take one thing off your plate - even if it's just cleaning your house for a small monthly fee, it might be worth it. Good luck :)
There are so many layers here that my heart really goes out to you!
My first reaction was that her jerk boyfriend dumped her because after 13 years he was tired of taking care of someone who wasn't taking care of herself.
Please talk to people and know that regardless of your mother's issues, she should never be a burden to you and your family. Your health and happiness needs to be primary so you can be a benefit to yourself, spouse and children.
I'm a firm believer that a parent's greatest role is to give us life and nurture us to the best of their ability through our childhood, to become our own best advocate for ourselves and others when we are adults. It always breaks my heart to hear about parents that don't live up to that standard and instead become victims of their own fears/issues and eventually burdens to their children.
Your anger/angst at this moment of transition is so healthy!
Don't crumble in this time of trial. Find a quiet space and figure out what your boundries are so that your mom's intrusion in your life won't destroy everything you've created. Then stand tall and let Mom know what those boundries are and give her the respect she deserves to be herself but also be clear to hold her to the requirements you expect from her as a member of your home.
Remember that this is your home, your life and it is your family home and they all have their lives, dreams and goals. Do not let your mom's issues, rule your life, or theirs.
I know what I'm talking about. My mom was a quadriplegic for 46 years of my life and she refused to be a burden on anyone.