At 2:30am my eyes sprang wide open. I usually wake this time each night for a trip to the bathroom but have no trouble falling back to sleep. This morning was different. I wrestled around in the sheets for what seemed like forever unsuccessfully trying to go back to sleep. Finally, I turned on the television and watched a movie called “Feeling Minnesota”. At 5:30am I decided I could lie there no longer. Next I played solitaire but it did not seem to cure my restlessness. The urge to write had finally reappeared.
Once again I feel a loss for ideas to write about. All I know is I feel I need to put something down on paper. I need to make my thoughts concrete whatever they may be.
It has been three months since I have written anything. The desire just has not been there. There has not even been a desire to read because my concentration has been so broken. I have to read a paragraph two or three times before I can comprehend it. I do hate that the only thing I ever know to write about is my illness but it consumes my life so entirely that there is little time for anything else. But that feeling is starting to wane now. Still, it has left a bitter taste in my mouth that I cannot wash away. All my creativity seemed too have vanished and a pervading dullness only existed. Even the scrumptious taste of food was bland. I steadily lost weight, but that was a good thing. Finding joy in any shape, form, or fashion was a chore. I never laughed. My thoughts were morbid. All I could think of is each minute we were one minute closer to dying. It was as if I was waiting around to die. But maybe the depression is starting to lift now. I can only hope.
Gather has changed so much in the past three months. Video has come about and that is something I do not ever see myself doing. There have been so many changes in the three months since I have been gone. I still do not know if I am up to coming back each day but this morning I hope will be the beginning of another recovery for me. And with that recovery means more time on Gather which I used to could not live without each day. Funny how things change.
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Comments: 47
Love ya, Girl!
Elaine, thanks! It is feeling pretty good to be back this morning.
Don't worry bout being creative or even posting.. just be well and enjoy whatever you can find to enjoy and i dont just mean on gather.
( i can send you heaps of games better than solitaire.. I currently have forearm overuse syndrome from computer mahjong.. but I'm not saying that's a good thing.. i've had to change drinking arms for a start...)
And from what I see, videos aren't really all that popular.
Hello, flit. Thanks for stopping by.
Carolyn, thanks so much for stopping by to say hello and especially for caring. It means so much to me to read your comment. Thanks again and by all means take care of that drinking arm. Haha.
I have this awful problem of worrying about things that MAY happen...
I often struggle with insomnia as well. As for writing...one of the things I enjoy most about gather is that I don't really have to worry too much about what I write or whether or not others read it or understand it...sometimes it just helps to get it out there and know that someone in the world understands!
Take care.
Second, don't worry about the video. No one really seems to like it. I think I've only viewed a couple of them and found them to be pretty lame. That's what YouTube is for.
Lastly, I wake up every morning at 2:30, too. I can seldom go back to sleep until after 5. I never gather, then. I'm afraid that will get my mind racing too much and I'll never find sleep again.
Okay, so maybe that was only 3 things instead of 48.
Hello, Deb. Thanks so much for commenting. I am sorry to hear that you too are having some bad days as well. Sucks doesn't it?! Maybe together we can pull through this. Heck, I know we can. Thanks for being here.
Kathryn, you a scamp? Do tell. Thanks for thinking of me of Kathryn. Hopefully I am back to stay. We will see.
your creativity has not left you, honey. this posting proved that.
take care of yourself, stop by when you can, and know that we love you.
Good to see you Serina. Big huggers to you.
My life right now has been so hectic with so many changes I dont know what to stay on. part of depression for me. sleepless nights are my specialty!
It's so good to see you around Serina. I was so worried about you. Take Sue's advice and take baby steps. No need to rush yourself sweets.
There have been a lot of changes on here. Some good, some great, and some, eh, not so good. I can't view the videos at home because of dialup and am limited to my time on the computer at work so I see very little of them. I'll probably never do one.
Well, I'm moving on. YOU TAKE CARE and keep in touch. We've all missed you sweetie.
Keep trying...S