At 2:30am my eyes sprang wide open. I usually wake this time each night for a trip to the bathroom but have no trouble falling back to sleep. This morning was different. I wrestled around in the sheets for what seemed like forever unsuccessfully trying to go back to sleep. Finally, I turned on the television and watched a movie called “Feeling Minnesota”. At 5:30am I decided I could lie there no longer. Next I played solitaire but it did not seem to cure my restlessness. The urge to write had finally reappeared.
Once again I feel a loss for ideas to write about. All I know is I feel I need to put something down on paper. I need to make my thoughts concrete whatever they may be.
It has been three months since I have written anything. The desire just has not been there. There has not even been a desire to read because my concentration has been so broken. I have to read a paragraph two or three times before I can comprehend it. I do hate that the only thing I ever know to write about is my illness but it consumes my life so entirely that there is little time for anything else. But that feeling is starting to wane now. Still, it has left a bitter taste in my mouth that I cannot wash away. All my creativity seemed too have vanished and a pervading dullness only existed. Even the scrumptious taste of food was bland. I steadily lost weight, but that was a good thing. Finding joy in any shape, form, or fashion was a chore. I never laughed. My thoughts were morbid. All I could think of is each minute we were one minute closer to dying. It was as if I was waiting around to die. But maybe the depression is starting to lift now. I can only hope.
Gather has changed so much in the past three months. Video has come about and that is something I do not ever see myself doing. There have been so many changes in the three months since I have been gone. I still do not know if I am up to coming back each day but this morning I hope will be the beginning of another recovery for me. And with that recovery means more time on Gather which I used to could not live without each day. Funny how things change.