Child Rearing Made Easy

All new parents, when their child is born (usually in a hospital) should be given these instructions as the baby is placed in their arms:

 Here is your new child, it is a wild animal that will act only on its own needs, instincts and fears.  Your job is to:

1) Love this child;

2) Provide for its needs;

3) Civilize it;

4) Nurture its physical, intellectual and spiritual growth.

 Here are some guidelines for how to accomplish this Herculean task which will occupy a great part of the next two decades of your life:

1) Loving the child involves showing affection and kindness to it.  You must be gentle in your treatment of this child while also ensuring that you give a firm guiding hand and consistent discipline.  Discipline will, at times, require physical force but need never involve striking the child or hurting it in any way.  Restraining the child will at times be necessary.  Hug your child, kiss your child and place your responsibility towards your child ahead of all other responsibilities you have in life, be they personal or professional.  You must give your child respect for its individuality and not expect it to be what you want it to be but rather allow it to become that which its own heart desires.  Play physically with your child, encouraging laughter and closeness.  Of course, adult expressions of sexuality are never to be engaged in with your child or in your child's presence.

 2) Your child will need to be fed, clothed, kept warm, given shelter and security and will need to be kept clean.  You will have to ensure that you provide food to your child that is nutritious and which will help the child to thrive.  If you do not know how to do this, you must learn how.  Your child is, right now, completely helpless and will require you to do every task except breathing for it.  It will acquire independent abilities accummulatively over the years ahead, so you will need to watch out for these emerging talents so that you make room for them and not stifle them with excessive doting.  The only language your child has to inform you of its hunger, thirst, pain or discomfort is to cry.  You must be a detective and investigate the reason for the child crying.  Over time you may learn to distinguish subtle differences in mood or the tenor of its crying that will distinguish various needs from each other.  Your child will learn language by listening to you, so use language and use it properly in your child's presence frequently.  Avoid baby talk, this will only retard your child's learning.

 3) As has already been stated, your child is a wild animal and will remain so unless you introduce the concept of civilization to it.  This is done in various ways, but primarily by demonstrating civilized behaviour to your child as your child is an excellent mimic and will learn most of what it acquires by watching you and copying your behaviour.  If you use inappropriate language when speaking to your child or speaking to others in your child's presence, then no doubt your child will also learn to use inappropriate language.  If you are rude or lacking in manners in speaking with your child or with others in your child's presence, your child will grow to be rude and lacking in manners as well.  If you habitually say "please", "thank you", "you're welcome" and "may I" when speaking to your child and to others in your child's presence, then your child will naturally mimic this behaviour.  If you sometimes fail at this, do not worry excessively, you are teaching your child that under some circumstance normal good behaviour must be put aside to deal with intransigent or ignorant people.  Sadly, this is likely a lession they must learn as well.  Manners are to a civil society what motor oil is to an engine:  they are the lubricant which reduces friction, helps prevent excessive wear, promotes good performance and extends the life of the engine.  You must teach your child by direct instruction and by demonstrated example to respect others, to take responsibility for its actions, to admit its mistakes, to be honest, to share, to help out when you can and to have tolerance for differences in people.

 4) In addition to all its muscles that allow your child to move and act, it has a powerful brain which allows it to think and learn.  If you encourage proper physical development in your child they will grow to be strong and healthy.  If you encourage proper intellectual development in your child they will grow to be clever and wise.  Physical activity helps develop muscle tone and function.  Mental activity helps to develop the ability to think independently.  You can help your child grow by playing with them.  Play games that encourage physical movement and involve their imagination.  Read to your child.  Read a variety of materials to your child, even ones which are beyond their age level, as this will encourage them to develop.  Converse with your child, don't merely talk at them.  If your speech is limited to giving directives and chastising you are losing a wonderful opportunity to bond with your child and to help them develop their language skills.  Share your (appropriate) feelings and concerns with your child and encourage them to share theirs with you.  Encourage your child to express their opinions, even when they disagree with your own.  If you plan to teach your child your own faith, whatever that may be, ensure that you are doing your very best to live according to its teachings.  Nothing undermines faith faster than hypocrisy, and your children will recognize this long before they know the proper word for it.  Do not, however, tell your children that they must believe what you do.  First of all, it will not work.  More importantly, faith is about the nature of reality and our universe, the origins of it and the question of whether there is a purpose behind it.  These questions are too profound to be left to phrases and expressions learned by rote.  Whether your child chooses (and we each must choose for ourselves) to believe in Chistianity, Bhuddism, Zoroastrianism, Shintoism, Baha'ism, Islam, Judaism or atheism they should make their decision after a careful consideration of these questions and a determination of what answers make sense to them.  Nothing else will ever be true in their heart and soul, but rather a mere adherence to a socially acceptable viewpoint.

There is no other task you will ever undertake that will be more important than to help this new human being, placed in your care, sharing part of your genetic make-up, created by you through an act of love, to develop to its full potential. 

Do your best, accept right now that you will make mistakes, learn from your mistakes and enjoy the many ways in which this unique person will open your mind to new experiences.

 (A slightly modified version of this will also serve for adopted parents.)