OKAY...I have been kinda hanging around here in a fog. I have something that has been bugging me and now is the time to tell you all.
I think some of you remember how I have talked about my daughter having ADHD. She was diagnosed about 3 years ago. It has been nothing but a struggle with her since she has started school.
Things have been getting worse. SHe is stealing and lying. And now here is the straw that has broken the camels back. I told her the other day...I went through all the things that she couldn't touch. My scrapbooking stuff, the stuff in my bookcase and my makeup. SHe nodded telling me she understood. I didn't think I would have to start locking things up. But after what she did today it will be the case.
She took a shower this morning. I couldn't figure out why she wouldn't let me see her face, but then I went to the bathroom and my makeup was different. I don't wear makeup alot so it's easy to memorize the way I put it last. The mascara was moved and my eyeliner. She will be 12 in January. I don't know what to do anymore.
Well I have to go pick her up now...this should be interesting....I hope it ends up okay...
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Comments: 59
Hang in there...this too shall pass!
;-)
bon
Relax, let her do it a little with your supervision. It's not too big of a deal if it's just a little.
I have several years to go yet before my daughter gets to that age.
Good luck with her.
If you view it as an attempt in exploration and self discovery that she didn't go about the right way... what is the right way in your house? Does she know 'the right way'?(You don't have to tell me, just throwing some thoughts out here) Is there a compromise that allows her to explore that, that also fits your house rules? (buy your own/you can have my old stuff/no wearing it out of the house, it's just to try... things along that line)
Obviously the lying and stealing are concerning and I'm not excusing them or saying you should. I just remember - the harder my mom clamped down, the more we went behind her back, which put my sisters in some really dangerous situations as they got older, because mom gave them no outlet or guidance for that self discovery that we all need.
But if I had kids, I would not let any daughters use make-up until they were adults, then it would be their choice then.
once I couldn't find my bobbypins to put up my hair for work. I later learned my sons had shot them at each other all through the house. The little darlings
For me, I was frustrated trying to make my daughter understand that with every decisions there are consequences and to be honest I was very concerned that if I did not do something to nip in the rear end soon, the problems as well as the behavior would get worse. Trust me, I tried bribing her, rewarding her for doing something good, praising her, yelled at her, grounded her, and punished her (by taking away her modem, cell phone, etc.), but nothing helped. It was not until I started taking her to therapy to not only deal with other personal problems she was going through, but to see if we could turn her behavior around.
Her therapist suggested being totally honest about everything with her whether it be about stealing, lying, behavior issues, sex and or drug use (examples he gave) and explain as if she was your friend instead of taking a parental role. Take the approach of saying something to the effect of I would like if you did (blank), because it would make me happy or what do you think you should do about (blank), not telling her what she should do. Let her feel as if she has power in deciding what is right and or the wrong thing and how she would handle it or resolve it.
I suppose you might have tried this already, but how about sitting down with her in private and really listening to what she has to say in regards to what could be wrong. If she asks your opinion, advice and or input, tell her honestly what you think and see how she responds. There is a book I just finished reading that is called Get Out of My Life by Anthony E. Wolf, which is not only funny, but might possibly give you some insight into how a teenager (a preteen, too) thinks and I was amazed how much I was able to relate to what he was saying.
I don't know if this helps, but thought I would put my 2 cents worth in.
BTW, yes the advice that her therapist gave me has worked and I have seen a complete 180 degree turn from where she was awhile ago to now.
We finally got through to him last year towards the end of the school year after he had stolen yet again from us. What we did was make him pick out his favorite 2 video games, and we made him sell one back to the used game shop to pay back what he stole (even though it was stuff we recovered on our own, it was a principle thing with us- showing him that there were serious consequences if he didn't learn to curb the impulse now).
SO far, it's worked. I don't know that it will work over all, but it's held for several months. Maybe try something along that line?
What medication is she on? Chris has been diagnosed for 2 years at the begining of November. Or, rather, he's been on medications since then, he was diagnosed a moth or two before that.
Anyway, he's gone through concerta, adderall, dexedrine, and straterra. He started Vyvanse almost a month ago, and so far, it's working. Concerta was his first med, and the difference in Chris was amazing for about 3 months. He was well behaved, he stopped lying, he wasn't giving into impulsive behavior, he wasn't getting into trouble at school, home, or on the school bus. He was a completly different little boy.
About March, he did an almost 180- he was impulsive again, he was stealing, he was unable to eat much (he never had an appetite, and had an upset stomache way too often), he wasn't sleeping much (he would go to sleep at around 2-3am after a 9pm bedtime, and would fall asleep constantly in school), so we stopped the medication. It had stopped reacting the way it should, and started reacting like it would in a non-adhd person- like speed.
None of the other meds have ever been as good, but with Vyvanse, so far, it's working much better than the others. It's sort of a last ditch effort. If he stops responding to this, we're going to try combining drugs to an every other day thing- like concerta one day, adderall the next, etc. If -that- doesn't work, then his doctor wants him to be observed by a psychiatrist to see if there isn't underlying issues such as ODD.
The thing with ADHD kids is they dont feel and react the way others do.
But on a brighter note. They say Albert Einstein was ADHD.
Once we get past a 2 month mark, though, we'll see. Because the pills have always messed with him in ways I don't like, I almost never medicated him on the weekends or over the summers when he's with me, to give his body a break. The only time we did was with Straterra, because it's the only med that has to actually build up in the body, as opposed to being an instant fix like the other types of meds.
The Doctor also explained, though, that some kids would find one that works, but as they get older, their metabolism changes, and their hormones change, and it effects how the medications work. If the child's metabolism speeds up, they might go through the pill more quickly, with the good effects leaving well before they should. If the metabolism slows down, they might last longer.
With her being a pre-teen, you are also getting the same thing I am with my 11 year old- pre-teen moodiness and that special dose of hormones all pre-teen girls get. My 11 year old has always been a very easy going child, and she's so moody now, I want to lock her in her room most of the time.
Maybe one thing that would help is having a written down account from the teachers on how she behaves in class, as well as keeping a journal yourself to mark down the way she acts and reacts at home, then show those to the doctor.
Have you ever tried combo drugs? For a short time, Chris was on both Straterra & Dexedrine which didn't work for him- but it might be something to consider for her.
That was an every day thing, not a switch from day to day, he took both each day. One problem I'd point out with Straterra, though, is that it's been linked to higher incidents of violence and sucicidal thoughts in -some- kids. That med works with different neurons than the typical ADHD medications, though, so it can be taken at the same time as a regular med.
I'd simply ask what medical treatments are left that haven't been explored- taking 2 different meds, trying one of the first ones over again (because, as I pointed out, sometimes the kids react differently as time goes on, so if she had one 3 years ago that didn't work then, it may work better now), going with a different dose for a different med, etc. Ask if Vyvanse is available, too, just for future reference.
I completly understand where you are coming from. ADHD children need to have much more rigid sets of rules, because they often don't think about consequences- they just react and do what they want as soon as the thought enters their minds. Rewarding them by getting something of her own isn't the best way to deal with it- but it might be a good thing to help keep her in line in the future, too.
Such as, "If you don't lie or steal for 2 days, I'll let you pick out a lip gloss" or, a week, etc. But if she messes up, then there should also be a set of consequences- no tv for a week, or phone, or what ever you think she would miss the most.
My 10 yr. old loves to play with make up. I just got her some of her own that she and her friends can play with here at home. The rule is that she's not allowed to go out of the house with the make up on (except during dance when she has to have it on). I will even let Angela put it on me sometimes...she's getting better also...I don't have that clown look anymore.
I'll tell you - my son had a seizure early this year. There were all kinds of things going on with him that were NOT right. And his doc is great usually but she just was not listening to me on this. I kept asking her about his diet, trying to bring it up, because I suspected it was related to my - and his - milk allergy. She didn't listen, saying it could NOT be 'an intake issue.' Well, it was. It was a vitamin D intake issue, and if I'd listened to her he could have died from it. Instead I explored other avenues, including, but not limited to, research on the web, and, even not knowing what it was, brought his nutrition up every way I could. And found him a milk source that he wasn't allergic to - goat's milk - which was vitamin D fortified and helped a lot to bring him back out of how run down he was. Usually people get enough just from being outside but we live in a wetter than usual state, it was winter, and our circumstances were such that we weren't getting out much over the winter.
Sorry for the novel - just - if you feel it's something more, push. You're probably right.
one thing we are good at doing as parents is setting to many boundaries, Me and my daughter went shopping for make up i think when she was in 5th grade LOL but of course i helped her pick it out so she didn't look like a freak like i did when i started experimenting with make up. she dyed her hair flame red that year too. They are kids, we just have to accept that things are not as they were when we were kids. Grant it I had a fit when the hair was being dyed because it made her hair striped LOL, But the kids at school loved it. and soon there were a dozen little girls running around with flaming red hair. what does it hurt.
I would much rather her be dying her hair green or purple at 12 instead of 18 while shes trying to get a job. mine is 16 her normal hair is brown but along with almost all of her clothes its now jet black. She has two more years before she has to grow up. and by then hopefully its all out of her system LOL
Thanks Jerri!! you are the sweetest!
She may have viewed this as using your makeup, not stealing or a lack of respect.
I remember wanting to be as pretty as my mom was.
Its very true the "more of an impulse thing they are doing" instead of thinking and then doing.Classic behavior of even the best kids with ADHD or ADD.
In time, maybe even get her some mild play makeup of her own. Yours will become less interesting,forbidden ect.
Here's a big hug from me to you - hang in .
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It sounds like your daughter is going through typical pre-teen behavior with the ADHD twist. Maybe you could explain to her how you feel when she lies about things and doesn't respect your things. I did this with my daughter every time she did something wrong. She felt bad for making me feel sad or hurt or whatever and has recently told me she doesn't go to parties where friends drink, etc., because she doesn't want me to be upset. She told me this after I asked her why her friends were dropping her off so early on Friday nights.
My daughter and I talk a lot! She knows she can tell me anything and I will still love her. I might be hurt, angry, or confused with her actions, but I will always love her. She has even called to have me pick up her and some friends over an hour away because the friend driving was, in her opinion, not safe. This is something she knows I will do. We talk over the consequences after she tells me what happened. Sometimes she knows she was wrong and sets her own punishment, sometimes she has no control over the situation and calls as soon as she can. We then talk about what could have been done and can be done in the future. Yes, she has ADHD, but we compromise with most rules. I first ask her what she thinks is reasonable, I tell her what I would like, and we come to an agreement. She is more likely to remember if she feels she has won a little extra freedom. She wore make-up at 11 when her friends started wearing make-up. It was, and still is, important to her to fit in because she already feels different. So I took her to the department store cosmetics salesperson I talked to earlier. The salespeople all made a big fuss over how beautiful she was and that a lot of make-up would hide her natural beauty. My daughter was the only girl to get this treatment, and the only one who felt sophisticated wearing pale pink lip gloss and pale eye-shadow.
Sometimes feelings build up inside her and she takes it out on me. I try to stay non-confrontational and get to the root of why she's so upset. She takes it out on me because I am the one person she is sure will not leave her. Yes, it's hard, but we get to the real problem and fix it. I agree with Krystal: talk, love, and talk some more. The impulsiveness is difficult to control, but feeling ashamed about what was impulsively done can lead to lying. I can't remember where I heard it, but "lying is what we do when we are afraid the truth won't get us what we want."
Stay hopeful, positive, and loving. It will get better.